saying "question mark?" and "however comma," out loud are game changers. punctuation on the go. and it's always the funniest thing that anyone around you has ever heard

sometimes people experiencing psychosis and/or mania will come up to you on the street and talk in confusing or upsetting ways. your job is to either have a regular human-to-human conversation with that person or politely leave. your job is not to call 911. do not call 911. you might kill that person if you call 911.

gap in my résumé cause i was just snuggled up so cozy

the water in hotel showers will do things to the texture of your hair you didn’t even know were possible

Sometimes it feels like nobody wants The Character to get hit so hard they cough up blood anymore.

i know the way people talk about their pets now is probably how we’ve been doing it for all of history. a cat owner in ancient rome saw their cat lounging on the dining pillows and commented “he thinks himself to be the senator claudius 🤣”

There should be an "It's Christian" section when asked why you pressed "hide ad"

these teenagers and their dog are trying ruin our money laundering business. no tony put the gun down were doing this the old fashioned way. were gonna dress up as monsters and scare them

you gotta come to the club man drinks are $18 and were all on our phones googling dog surgery

*seductively takes off glasses* wow you're fucking blurry