Howdy!

*during a world threatening, all hands on deck emergency*

Batman: everybody understand the plan?

Flash: we’re good to go, on your word.

Batman: then lets get on with it.

Robin, picking up his katana: agreed, let us engage the enemy. and also real quick before we do, i have to tell you that i got suspended from school for two weeks for slamming another student’s head into a table. alright, lets go.

Batman, visibly doing a doubletake: -woah wait hold on, Damian-

Red Robin, scornfull: seriously B? you’re gonna get distracted and let THOUSANDS of people die, because of that little tidbit? what, and now i guess you’re gonna freak out because i got a DUI a few days ago?

Batman: YOU GOT A DUI-?

Robin: father, honestly, priorities.

Batman: i- uh-

The rest of the league, exchanging blank looks:

*massive explosion*

Batman: um- OK WE HAVE TO GO BUT WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER-

*after the fight, ten hours later, everybody is exhausted and covered in blood and dust*

Batman, wrapping gauze around Robin’s wrist: i… feel like there was something i was going to say earlier. regarding you.

The league, watching the Robins stay completely silent:

Red Hood, without blinking: yeah old man, you promised us all that you’d buy pizza on the way back to Gotham.

Batman: …i don’t remember saying th-

Nightwing: fucking course you don’t. first you forget to tell me my little brother dies until after his funeral, now you forget to feed me. are you gonna forget to invite me over for game night, too?

Batman:

Robin: *silently making an ‘a-ok’ gesture behind Bruce’s back*

Batman: …right. yeah. that must have been it. we’ll get pizza ordered to the manor.

Superman, leaning over to Green Arrow: do you think he’ll be ok alone with them? they’re kinda mean

and then his kids come along and his entire backbone just falls apart at the seams.

Tim, walking into the cave and interrupting an online JL meeting: sorry just grabbing the bleach!

Bruce, pausing: what do you need bleach for?

Tim: oh, Jason killed another guy and wants help with the cleanup.

Bruce:

The JL, who know Batman as the strict ‘no kill guy’:

Bruce:

Bruce: …but just one? he only killed one, right?

Tim: yeah.

Bruce:

Bruce: bleach is over there

JL: ?!?!?!

-

Superman, video calling Bruce: i know you don’t allow metas in Gotham, but there’s a crossover between a job i’m on in Metropalis and a deal i believe to be going down in Gotham, so i was hoping that-

Bruce: no. send me the case, i’ll sort it. stay out of my city.

Superman: Bruce-

Duke appearing in the background of the call: B! COME LOOK AT THIS SHIT, I FIGURED OUT A NEW WAY TO USE MY POWERS!

Bruce: that’s great, chum! I’ll be right there!

Superman:

-

Batman: I will not have guns in my household.

Damian: you understand that both Pennyworth and Drake have firearms in the manor, correct?

Batman:

The JLA:

Batman: when did Tim get a gun?

Damian: when Todd took him and I to a shooting range and gifted us them.

Batman:

Batman: …you have a gun too?

Damian: i do.

Batman: but not in the manor right?

Damian: of course not.

Batman: oh thank g-

Damian, pulling out a handgun: i keep mine on me

Green Lantern: but how are we supposed to know who the mastermind is? i mean, GOD knows who's behind all this!

Damian, got bored 20 minute ago, is rolling a pencil back and forth on the table and not paying attention in the slightest: *absently* my brother knows god,

Everyone:

Nightwing: Dami what

Damian, sleepy, rubbing his eyes and yawning: i mean i don't think they're friends, apparently he got kicked out for being annoying. but they have met, because Akhi still claims god was on his side that killing the Joker would be ok.

Everybody:

Batman: what?

Superman, baffled: how are you telling the truth right now?

Damian: *bored grunt* *looks around the room and freezes, finally realising who he's talking to*

Everyone:

Damian:

Damian:

Damian: man, Jason's gonna kill me.

Nightwing, choking: JASON-?

Damian: aw shit i did it again-

I really like nether queen cookie's design, it's beautiful and she's beautiful

+ an extra

Nexus: ”I can’t wait to kill Moon.”

Dark Sun: “And once that’s completed me and Ruin will fight over who gets Sun,”

Ruin: “I’d like to see you try,”

Nexus: “What.”

Ruin: “Hm?”

Nexus: “What do you means ‘who gets Sun?’”

Ruin: “Dark Sun and I will fight over who gets Sun’s hand in marriage.”

Nexus: “HUH?”

Dark Sun: “What? You don’t even like Sun, not like he’s your brother anymore,”

Dark Sun: “eclipse was alive three times and fumbled sun every time, ruin fumbled once as well, I will not do the same,”

Nexus: “HES STILL MY BROTHER, HES NEVER NOT BEEN MY BROTHER”

Ruin: “Of course, so you are just a bitch,”

Dark Sun: “I’d let Sun be a bitch to me,”

Nexus: “STOP TRYING TO DATE MY BROTHER”

Bc so many ppl focus on the idea of telling A Trusted Adult, but even a well-meaning individual can fuck up and let abuse fall through the cracks or not know what to do

Whereas if a child tells LOADS of adults AND other kids, there's far less opportunity for an abuser to do damage control

Consistently telling their story and spreading it around disempowers the abuser to control and coerce the flow of information, or to utilise gaps and weaknesses in systems of reporting or welfare to isolate the child

batman will provide a list of rules for the JLA any time they need to work in gotham and the JL will just look between the rules and the group of kids hanging out behind batman like. hold on now.

flash: no metas?

batman: yup.

flash: who’s that then?

batman: that’s signal, he can glow and he’s lovely, now take his fucking name out your mouth.

flash: …

~

superman: and you said no guns?

batman: yeah absolutely no guns allowed.

dick: *from upstairs* dAAAAAAD I’M GONNA BE LATE FOR WORK HAVE YOU SEEN MY BADGE AND GUN?

batman: *yelling back* I THINK YOU LEFT THEM IN THE OFFICE.

dick: OH YEAH, THANKS.

batman: NO PROBLEM SWEETIE HAVE A GOOD DAY AT WORK!

superman: hm.

batman: he’s different.

superman: how?

batman: i love him.

~

wonder woman: you are against taking human life, are you not?

batman: absolutely and that is non-negotiable. we are not judge jury and executioner.

wonder woman: i see. turn around.

*jason and tim two rooftops over, arguing how best to dispose of the loa assassin corpses they just took down*

batman:

batman: i dont see a problem here. those are my sweet boys.

jason, distantly heard from behind: yeah fuck you we’re his sweet boys.

wonder woman: *sighs*

~

batman: honestly the most important thing is that we serve justice and keep morality intact even when dealing with the toughest cases.

green lantern: damian has a secret prison under the titans tower where he’s been torturing their villains rather than trying to reform them.

batman: he’s so cute and small. my baby.

green lantern: bruce-

Bruce did not know Jason would be doing this. Bruce was happily standing next to Jason during this initial live interview. Bruce is caught on camera abruptly dropping into a look of pure indignation that he directs at Jason in a screenshotted still that in the future will become a Gotham-wide reaction meme for the rest of fucking time.

for now though, everybody thinks he kicked his kid out the house at fifteen and that he's a horrible father, so he has to do damage control.

unfortunately, publicly pointing at Jason like an enraged child and saying 'HOLD ON- NO HOLD ON THAT'S BULLSHIT WAIT A SECOND-' is not overly helpful. Bruce's pr managers decide the best way to convince everybody Jason is lying is to get somebody else who was actually there at the time to speak up in Bruce's defence.

they put Dick on a live interview, who solemnly swears he'll have the whole thing sorted out in minutes.

"yeah man that happened. you think Jason was the first victim? why do you think i had to go to Bludhaven? he still won't let me move back to Gotham, you guys. i can't pay my heating bill. i get cold at night. it hurts. i really miss when Bruce loved us, you know?"