𝐦𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐨𝐫𝐚. 🩸☆

─── ⋆⋅ ♰ ⋅⋆ ─── ٬٬ meliora ⤹⤸ any prnz ٬٬ omni ,, 18 yrs☆ ⋆｡° ✮ digital diary , bpd (and others) blog ─── ⋆⋅ ♰ ⋅⋆ ─── abt me <3

☆ ;; i'm a huge fan of the band ghost !! (they're my special interest) ☆ ;; i'm goth, but i listen to a lot of other genres, including; heavy metal, rock, indie, nu metal, & new wave. ☆ ;; this blog is primarily for me to dump out my thoughts, rant, vent, and make connections with other like-minded people. ─── ⋆⋅ ♰ ⋅⋆ ───

interests. ☆

general: psychology - (i plan to go into the field!), forensics, criminology, horror genres (books, movies, games), vampires, gothic horror, alt subcultures / differences.

music/bands: ghost, the cure, type o negative, she wants revenge, mcr, korn, london after midnight, vandal moon, metallica.

movies/shows: the phantom of the opera, dracula (1933 & 1992), the silence of the lambs, the texas chainsaw massacre (1973), house of 1,000 corpses, hannibal, criminal minds, dexter.

dni: basic dni, z00s, peds, n3cros-- paraphiles in those general categories, racists, homo/transphobes, etc.

omg paperteeth pfp and a ghost fan?? and literally every other band you like?? your taste is so elite omg

sometimes i ask myself; who am i doing this for? and honestly, i don't know the answer to that question.

I hate having to suppress myself and my symptoms for the sake, and for the comfortability of others. I hate having to act like i'm not mad, like i'm not miserable, or tormented every waking second of every day. everything is awful. i mean that, everything.

do i try and cover it up more so it hurts less, or so that i don't feel as guilty when others begin to notice my sadness slipping through the cracks? i'm not sure anymore.

i don't want to be a burden to others, so i do as im asked and told without regard for my own regrets. i act like its fine during, but after, i find myself crying over the simple question; what if?

what if i did what i wanted to do? instead of letting somebody else hold me back, in fear of hurting them if i didn't, what if i let myself open the door to new memories, and opportunities?

okay so like please just say you hate me and everything that i'm fucking interested in and you want me to fucking die ig jesus fucking christ god forbid i like things and get excited ever about anything

I hate knowing that I'm such a burden to the people I am close too. Knowing that others feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me in fear of me getting upset. Knowing that I make others feel that way, when that's all I've ever felt about them, makes me feel horrible.

I am always terrified of upsetting others, and am constantly walking on eggshells so that I can be the best, so that I can be perfect, so that I can't and won't hurt them. But I feel like that's all I do anyway. All I do is hurt people, and that's all I'm doomed to do.

I try so hard to be good. I try so hard every day to remember my treatment plans, to stay regulated, because I don't want to be this way anymore. And nothing seems to work for me, and so the cycle repeats.

All I do is hurt the people I care about the most. And I hate that they have to distance themselves from me emotionally in fear of me splitting or getting upset. I hate that that's what I am, that that's what I do, and that I can't get anybody to stick around without eventually driving them off or pushing them away.

tw for sh