Too old for Tumblr, too young to die! This is a sideblog for all the cartoons I'm a smidgen too embarrassed to talk about on my main. Restless orange juicer with a dash of scientist.
It’s that time of year again when I have to remind everyone in my family that if they gift my child an elf on the shelf it will immediately become firewood because one thing mama ain’t raising in a snitch.
Things I’ve done to children instead of elf on a shelf:
Told 4-7 year olds that throwing tantrums makes their teeth come loose
Green vegetables taste bad because they have the same stuff in them as the ninja smoke bombs that make people pass out, but if you eat a little bit at a time you will become immune and thus defeat ninjas.
The dentist knows the tooth fairy
Dogs and cats know when you say swear words and it hurts their feelings
Monsters in the closet think the floor is lava and can only walk on toys and clothes you haven’t put away
The good spirit of the house likes the sound of water, so flushing the toilet and washing your hands will remind it to protect you
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If Chowder ever had a "customer from hell" episode, I imagine it would go like this.
Chowder's in the kitchen, bouncing on his toes, as Mung tells Schnitzel (who is taking to instructions with a salute like a military soldier) and Chowder that they have a very important food critic, Samosa (a grey elephant) expected. Samosa doesn't *exactly* work with the health department, but if an establishment gets three scathing reviews, their license to operate goes in naughty chef jail and they can't cook for like, a month (even for themselves). Mung Daal's is already in the red where one strike could be it for them, so it's very important they provide the best customer service.
A loud door slam and dinging is heard, and it's revealed that Samosa has entered (with a bell on her own hat instead of above the door), the boys snap to attention, and Truffles quickly shakes her hand and starts making polite conversation with her as a way to stall for time while the boys get their act together.
Samosa orders a platter of wonton bombs--which, Mung has a recollection he used to know a super fast way to make them at a three Michelin star level, but can't recall (and it drives him crazy) (it doesn't exist. He's referencing an older episode where he and Chowder, in the present, managed to use some fourth-wall time travel shenanigans to go back to when Mung was an apprentice and swap out the terrible wonton bombs he made super fast with professional ones premade by Mung in the present). While Mung Daal is tying himself into knots trying to remember the shortcut recipe, Schnitzel steps in and (interpreted by Truffles) firmly explains that the wonton bombs will be a three-hour wait and she is welcome to come back then or have them delivered (for an extra fee).
Samosa immediately grumbles that it shouldn't cost more money to have them delivered if she has to wait so long, and she can make (cheap, terrible) wontons in the microwave in ten minutes. Chowder, being eight, confusedly asks "Why don't you make wontons in the microwave, then?" and Samosa gets super, super uppity at this child effectively (hyperbole) telling her to go home and cook herself. Mung Daal starts panicked-shushing Chowder and apologizes to Samosa for his insolence, promising a complimentary upgrade in wonton quantity if she still wants them (so, she pays for ten but gets fifteen). She does--flash-forward, she gladly accepts all twenty in the delivery but refuses to pay, saying Mung Daal said they'd be free.
Mung Daal tries to awkwardly explain that the *extra five* were free, and she bites into one and says it's not even that good and she wants a refund. Chowder snags one from the open bag and munches on it, confirms it's just as tasty as any wonton bomb, and Mung Daal is almost turning blue awkwardly stammering over the fact that they can't refund catered food (it's a health department thing; once it touches the table, they can't take it back). Samosa becomes incensed and throws three wonton bombs at them, one at a time (that all explode dramatically like grenades), as Mung Daal and Chowder retreat.
So. Chowder and Mung Daal return to the kitchen, mildly scorched, only to see the police walking out with their framed license to operate and dramatically putting it in a big version of a toy jail box. (Truffles has a pretty scathing newspaper review from Samosa in the lobby that she published in the time it took the boys to get back). Mung kind of slides down despondently against the counter to sit on the floor with a sigh, Chowder mimics it, and Mung absently swipes a finger against Chowder's cheek (where some of the exploded wonton bomb filling is) and tastes it, staring off into the void. He absently mutters something like "Yep, one of our best recipes yet."
Chowder goes outside to kick rocks and not cook, and one of the rocks he kicks accidentally hits Ceviche, who yelps. Chowder runs over to apologize, and sees Ceviche is limping; Chowder quickly offers a boo boo kiss, but Ceviche (while he appreciates the gesture), sighs and explains the limp is from pulling a muscle trying to execute a complicated jump (somewhere between a jete and an echappe) during rehearsal for an important client. It was supposed to be a much more manageable flourish for him (Pate was supposed to do the more complicated jump with both of them, Ceviche was going to do more of a saute from there). He landed wrong and twisted his ankle, and the client, Samosa, left them a harsh review. (They still have two more strikes to go, but, it was their first bad review ever).
Chowder, at this point, asks suspiciously if Samosa paid, and Ceviche remarks "Of course not! Dance is free." (Larger events are paid for by public taxes, I think, and unbeknownst to Ceviche yet, I feel like Pate does charge a small fee for private events--but Samosa would have paid after the performance at whatever event she was going to have them at). At this point, Ceviche whines/whimpers loudly about his sore leg, and Chowder has a lightbulb moment (it happens sometimes. Rare, I know), snaps his fingers, stuffs his hat in Ceviche's mouth to bite down on, and dashes off towards the market saying he knows how to help him.
Ceviche, still hurting, spits out the hat and confusedly asks "...can you get me an ice pack?" and Chowder, midway through running off, calls back that ice is actually bad for an amputation! Common misconception! Ceviche looks noticeably more pale. While he's running and looking back, he slams into Gorgonzola, who backhands Chowder off and looks noticeably grumpier than usual. Chowder delightedly remarks that Gorgonzola is just who he needs and starts tugging him by the wrist over to where Ceviche was sitting.
Gorgonzola snaps "Quit it, Chowder! I don't like you any day, and today is a bad day to begin with!" and tries to wiggle his wrist out of Chowder's grip, but Chowder's hand is still sticky with strawberry jam and thus, the seal is iron tight. Chowder's like "Oh? Join the club :)" (he made buttons with "WORST DAY EVER CLUB" for all of them already), "Maybe you could tell us about yours?" and Gorgonzola proceeds to bitch about a bigger woman with long, glittery braids and chique glasses looking at candles to buy, but then getting upset that they "don't burn right", wax drips down the sides at a rate she can't hold it in her hand and if she tilts it, the hot wax will burn a hole through the side/rim of the candle.
And of course, she burned multiple candles while demonstrating this and instead of paying, cursed out Stilton and Stilton just kicked Gorgonzola out for the workday because of it.
(It's about then that he stomps his foot and says "And they're literally fine!! Look!", whips out a candle and holder from his pocket, lights it with a match, and Chowder snags it from him to heat up a butter knife from his own pocket "to cauterize the wound".
He's kind of holding Ceviche down during this and Ceviche shrieks and uses his other leg to quickly scoot further down the bench.).
It is at this point that the boys all ask each other if "you're thinking what I'm thinking" and then all say their plans at once (and they are all wildly different. Gorgonzola's is selling her intentionally terrible products, Chowder's is to write a review about her, and Ceviche's is to learn from the experience and try harder next time, and after saying it, they all look at each other confused.)
So, the third and final act: the boys come up with a tentative plan to track her down and Ceviche to distract her while Gorgonzola and Chowder write a bad review of whatever she does for a living and post it to the local newspaper. They try to put together the shops she's been to, what she tried to buy, and then Ceviche's jaw drops in abject horror as he realizes where Samosa's likely heading next.
Flash forward to the boys all dashing towards Endive's (Chowder's sticky hand wrapped around Gorgonzola's wrist, Ceviche leaning on Gorgonzola as he awkwardly leaps/hops along with them).
By the time they get to the window, Paniniand Endive are clapping their hands and singing "Happy Birthday" to Samosa over an elegant three-tiered birthday cake. Panini, for maximum effect, looks almost elated and proud of her work in this scene. Samosa giggles and, with one hand on Endive's shoulder, confidentially tells her it's great to finally see good service and she would not believe the day she's had.
(Outside, the boys are on each other's shoulders and Chowder is pounding on the window yelling). Endive chats with her a second and Panini begins to box the cake up; Endive then conversationally mentions the price and Samosa, again, begins "What?!? For that price, I could make three cakes at home!" before laughing, giving Endive a side hug, and quipping "But they wouldn't be anywhere near the quality of yours!"
Endive quickly shuts the blinds and makes some comment about being almost ashamed to take money from her on her birthday, but promises the decoration is actually one of Panini's first commissions (so, Panini will be paid about 10 percent of the cake price).
The boys (stacked up outside) tumble over; they rush to the back gate yelling Panini's name and she locks it before they can get through and hisses "Not now!!"
Samosa, to Endive, makes some offhanded jab about twenty dollops being really a lot for an eight year old apprentice, and Endive just as politely responds, "Oh, yes, but she's definitely earned it!"
Samosa plucks a sugar rose off the top of the cake to taste it, and as she's munching and her eyes sparkle, about to respond that it's delicious and likely give Panini a tip, the boys come crashing through the front door (which they didn't try before for some reason) panting that Samosa is not going to pay and she'll leave a bad review, no matter what but she should NOT take it personally and become super irritable for the next week.
Ceviche, by accident (still trying to gingerly put weight on his bad leg), accidentally trips and knocks the cake out of Samosa's hands; he apologizes fervently, but she huffs, whips out a typewriter, and immediately writes three scathing reviews (one after another) of Endive's patisserie.
The police arrive soonafter to take their license to operate as Endive stands there in shock.
Panini, mind however, can be somewhat terrifying when she wants to be, and growls at the police to stop; then, slowly, icily, she tells Samosa to write a five-star review. Samosa writes the review; the boys are instructed to write an additional public apology, which they do, petrified; the license is returned and all previous bad reviews of Endive's are rescinded, but Samosa becomes a millenial gossip columnist next and her next article is titled something like "Birthday Blunders: Forgetting The Time They Forgot Your Birthday With This Horror Story Of Freebies Gone Wrong"
Also in fun concepts, hear me out: sometime down the road, Mr. Peanutbutter marries a chocolate lab named Mr. Nutella, and Mr. Nutella is STRIKINGLY similar in personality--the only person who's been able to be meet Mr. Peanutbutter on his baseline level of good vibes and happy-go-lucky energy (even a smidgen moreso than Todd! Just a smidge) except. Mr. Nutella's upbeat energy is like 110 percent of Mr. Peanutbutter's.
They agree on a $100 budget for their anniversary gift, Mr. Peanutbutter sheepishly-but-also-mostly-excited apologizes for going a liiittle over budget, and he's surprised him with dinner in the V.I.P. section of a super exclusive restaurant. And Mr. Nutella is like "No way!! Great minds DO think alike, because I just bought us the IMAX movie theatre down the street from that place! The whole theatre! We can even sneak in snacks!"
It makes Mr. Peanutbutter's eye twitch just a teensy tiny bit (although on the whole, he does love his husband, very much).
The real wham shot would be Diane's--because she'd, to the dogs, be very sweet and polite and be like "Aww! That's awesome! You guys are great together!" and as an aside to Bojack in the kitchen (they're both mixing drinks and trying to catch a quick breather from the party, usually Mr. Peanutbutter as a host would kind of bounce through the scene as the party went on and make sure everybody's having a great time--and Mr. Nutella does the exact same thing, so you'd end up checking in with one of them every, like, twenty to thirty minutes.), hedge her bets that that marriage is not going to last long at all because, again, they're both so high-energy it's bound to either cause chafing or run into the same problem Mr. Peanutbutter's not long ago really put work into addressing--that sometimes he opts for good vibes at all times over really listening and being attentive in a sensitive moment.
(The Peanutbutter & Nutella couple, by the way, do have their own issues, but I think they actually outlast all the previous Peanutbutter marriages! At least one brand deal also tries to do something with them promoting a combination PB&N spread and of course, the commercial is a huge and very charming hit, but the dogs end up spitting it out right after the camera stops rolling. They wanted to like it. They really did. They both thought it was kind of gross, actually. Todd takes the rest of the promotional PB&N jars to try and workshop a pairing or recipe with them that's actually good, like chocolate pretzels or using it as a croissant filling, and Princess Carolyn ends up eating at least one jar with a spoon at like, 3:00 AM in an exhausted toddler parent delirium. )
I don't know if you've ever seen that Onion headline that's like "Heartbreaking! The worst person you know just made a great point" but that's, ah, me seeing radical feminists having headcanons about what sort of radfems their favorite HP characters would be and then saying "And Snape would be a trans woman".
Like RAAAGH I know y'all probably didn't mean that in good faith, but trans woman Snape is kind of based, actually? Hear me out hear me out.
She's got just about premium HRT on lock because she's brewing it herself.
She's probably still a bit of an angsty curmudgeon just because I feel like that's kind of central to Snape, but she's got more of that sort of refined peace (think how Alan Rickman carried the movie role, Snape definitely gets irritable or strict with their students but their voice rarely really goes above that soft flat effect) especially compared to her teenage self (who, at least in the books, is often just kind of erratic and irritable for many reasons).
She looks less pale and sickly because she's actually going outside sometimes and taking care of herself. I don't think her name would be Lily, like I could see her choosing it after Lily Potter's death as more of a "carrying on the legacy of a loved one" but I think she'd rather have had her friend's last name than her first, if you catch my drift, hehe!
More likely, I think she'd choose another flower or herb, like Sage Snape (with a runner up for Iris--symbolizing wisdom, knowledge, and truth seeking).
Lukewarm take, but I think if she got a portrait before she transitioned, she wouldn't have it changed or destroyed, she'd just spread the rumor that she inherited the role after her brother's untimely demise.
Dumbledore does have great fondness for her, but, ah, still misgendered her (mostly on accident) about 100 times a day for like three years and if her dirty looks weren't enough, the confusion of every new DADA professor as to why the headmaster was calling the female head of Slytherin "my boy" and whispered questions to Sage in staff meetings asking if Dumbledore wasn't a little bit senile (she snorts into her tea once, it makes up for her mild annoyance) made McGonagall and Sage throw together the equivalent of Hogwarts sensitivity training.
(Dumbledore gets it right now! It's not really better, but a lot of it was due to him still kind of thinking of Sage as the age she was when he taught her at Hogwarts. Instead of "my boy", he now calls her "my dear").
I would also tentatively say as much as long hair/bun Snape would be super cute, she'd probably still keep her hair about shoulder-length and have earrings that are tiny little potion vials (of something like the magical equivalent of nalaxone, in case of potion overdoses, or liquid luck, in case she's in a bind).
Trans woman Snape is actually such a vibe, and I love her.
I was thinking Snape's earrings would be more one potion set at a time (e.g, they're either both liquid luck OR naloxone) but I could very easily see her having them split up. And they are functional!
They're tiny hoops (pretty close to the earlobe, you know the type) with the potion vials as dangly charms, but they're each full with a few drops of the according potion. It's a rarity to see Sage have to use them, they're very much a strictly "emergency last resort only thing", but I think one of the upper-level (think A-level) sixth or seventh years has seen her yank out one of her earrings, wordlessly transfigure the back post/charm prong into an IV, and jab it into a student who had misbrewed their potion and was about to go into cardiac arrest.
(Of course, she gave them a mild little whack on the back of the head for not following procedure once their condition was stabilized, but the worst was over as soon as they got the jab).
Also, the original idea touched on this next topic briefly, but my idea is better sooo hear me out: Harry finds out Snape is trans accidentally as a very slow puzzle through 1) brief little offhanded comments about what went on in the Marauders Era from Lupin in Harry's third year--
(Remus, at least, is decent enough to catch on and call Sage her preferred name and pronouns as soon as he gets hired on as a professor. She's still, of course, very prickly towards him and makes it clear she remembers QUITE well their school years, even as he's trying to be nice and polite towards her because it's been over a decade, but obviously, calling someone the right pronouns/name is basic respect irregardless. It kind of depends on how absent-minded Remus is at the time, he delivers a lot of his exposition to Harry clearly very fatigued, as to whether he genders the teenaged Snape correctly. but for the most part as he tells the story, Sage and Lily were best friends and Sage and James didn't get along much at all. Some jealousy about Lily. Harry thinks it's kind of a "James romantically interested while Sage is possessive of her bestie" thing until it v e r y slowly hits him randomly later that Snape is a PHENOMENALLY unlucky lesbian.
Sirius, I think, misgenders the teenaged Snape a lot mostly because he has no idea the character development that happened while he was in Azkaban and is like "Ah, Snape? Yeah, he sucked. Weird little snivelly guy who was always kinda creeping around Lily, didn't even know he had a sister." and he thinks Sage is an entirely different person.)
and 2) it finally clicks in Harry's head what happened during fifth year occlumency when he sees Snape's own memory and sees her teenage self used to be male-presenting in her own head. To Harry, this would be somewhere in the Top Ten Anime Plot Twists but it's background static while he's still trying to process that his father was actually a tremendous bully.
Once he processes all that, and also does the 1990's equivalent of Googling "What is transgender", he responds with his pretty standard "Okay".
(Like, Harry did not care at all that Remus Lupin was a werewolf, with actual violent and uncontrollable potential. I really don't think he'd be weird about one of his professors happening to be born in unpreferred circumstances).
(Snape, of course, is just as distressed and volatile after Harry sees her worst memory as she was in the books, if not moreso. It does nooot calm her temper in her extremely erratic emotional state right then and there that Harry is extremely normal about her being trans (especially for someone who just found out what "transgender" is like five seconds ago), although when she calms down a bit later, Harry would quip something like "So what if you were born a guy? Could be worse. You could be born the Chosen One" and she almost breaks character to snicker a little bit).
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Obsessed with the implications of this note. K'nuckles is established to be illiterate and this is brought up with fairly decent continuity--meaning either he does know how to draw this specific phrase without knowing how to read it, or he got somebody to write it for him and stick it on the rope tied to a whale's gullet.
This is how it feels to go online after being out of the loop for a little bit and hear someone say something like "Oh man, what is Milkshake Duck even doing now?"
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Once again out from work and down for the count (migraine this time), so you're hanging out with me! But gang aft, might there be some repercussions to two jobs, one dealing with wastewaters, by how much sick time I've burned.
Me, the pinnacle of hubris: Huh, I just have not been feeling the vibe lately. I'd love a day to sleep in and watch movies, but I hate being snotty and gross. Maybe some cramps or nausea?
Me, today, hunched over the toilet: God is pulling me towards Hell
Oh! Random tangent, but it is so amusing to me (as one who used to dream of being an animator) to read those "lost episode" creepypastas--not anything filmed on an underground network like 1999, mind you, but episodes of popular shows that require you to believe that some oddball in the boarding room successfully managed to single-handedly write, board, rig, animate, provide voice acting for, render, to broadcast a scary episode of SpongeBob.
I feel like Nazz is a lesbian who comes out as a teenager and nothing really changes because half the boys who used to hang around her (who just liked her because of puppy crushes) swap out instantly with girls who hang around her because of puppy crushes.
Rolf will realize he's some form of Achillean/ace in his late twenties and that's actually not unheard of in the old country, they just call it something weird and expect him to choose a premium husband to help on the farm.
Double D is so far in the closet she's pulling out winter clothes. By the time she confesses emotionally to Eddy that she might be a little transgender, Eddy kind of just gives her a tired look and is like "Oh, you're just figuring this out now?"
one of my favorite things to think about is that the time period in flapjack's misadventures isn't just the dark, plague-ridden middle ages; the entire cartoon takes place almost in the middle of the Little Ice Age.
it takes place in stormalong, a town in the middle of the ocean where the weather is often crap. if you look at history, by that time, an entire generation of chinese had already died early from weakened immunity due to the lack of a proper heating system (it was, after all, the Little Ice Age, when nature challenged humanity, and there was no summer for a very long time). starving rats began to approach human villages and feast on dead bodies. and then they quickly made their way to europe ^__^, which is how the bubonic plague was born.
flapjack, by the way, really loves rats and plays with them, despite the plague. little did he know.
It's funny that in the cartoon, people eat either sweets and candies or seafood. there's nothing else to eat. because of the colder climate, farmers' harvests plummeted, and the price of wheat seeds rose. nothing grew. the seas and oceans froze so much that people from different countries could walk across the ice to reach each other. during the Little Ice Age, people were so terrified of the cold and hunger that christians thought god was angry, and they actually started "burning witches," in other words, warming themselves by the fire where pagans and magicians were lying, the ones who once contradicted the christian idea of "only one god."
so, it's clear why captain k'nuckles doesn't take off his jacket, and flapjack, even though he's wearing a light shirt, still has a scarf around his neck. everyone is dressed relatively warmly, because it's cold in stormalong.
I've had a rather horrid week--between stress from car maintenance, lab work, aaaand watching TMMOF while riding the red wave, it's not a real surprise that when I saw the iconic big jar of Red Vines on sale, I gave in to a childhood dream and bought them.
Predictably, I'm about 20% in and already kind of sick of them. Here's, what I've been doing now.
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Flapjack, I think, is naturally a very chatty person; in the same vein, I'd also like to think that he picks up working or traveling songs from sailors in other ships and sings them or makes up his own melodies with a rather nice tune. I'd like to think there's about a month or so when he's older that his voice cracks all the time, shifting to a much higher or much lower pitch erratically, and it cracks K'nuckles up every time. To cheer him up, he's told that his voice is shifting and it will be deeper like a proper adventurer's; it does deepen a little bit, to about the Wander voice. His laugh stays exactly the same. Peppermint Larry teaches him how to do a simple partnered waltz about this time, and Flapjack mostly uses it to get more dexterity (and absolutely charming Bubbie when he takes her flippers and tries to lead her in a six-step Viennese).
Bubbie, since adopting Flapjack, has managed to teach herself how to speak without moving her tongue; this strengthened the vocal cords and larynx whales use to sing, and when he was a baby, she'd sing him to sleep with whale songs. When the boys are out and about, she speaks regularly, and often talks to herself. I feel like if she were a human, she'd have one of those naturally loud, boisterous laughs that make people want to come over just to hear her.
Captain K'nuckles would never admit it, but the quiet unsettles him. He feels most at home among a lot of chatter and if there's none to be found, he'll try to strike up a conversation more or less to hear his own voice. He likes telling stories and casting shadow puppets, and prefers being the one to lead a conversation, but he's grown an affection for Bubbie's sass and quickness to chime in, or Flapjack's cheerful melodies.
I am, oddly enough, of the mind that while Flapjack generally likes candy, he doesn't crave it--he enjoys a little sugar boost like anybody else from time to time, but also doesn't really mind going without candy for a few days if other food is available.
However, I do think if Chowder was offered a piece of Stormalong candy, he'd munch on it for a little bit, say it was pretty good, ask if there was any more, and move on with his life afterwards.
If Flapjack was offered a scoop of Marzipan City Thrice Cream, he would be licking it off his hands and possibly apprenticed to the cart owner within the hour.
