The Chrooth Will Set You Free

gordon: ok I will have the grilled cheese

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small

Employee: You didn't even try it on

My EMR instructor: You arrive at a scene with a patient laying on the ground. You check their level of alertness and they appear unconscious. You have already opened their airway with an adjunct and are administering oxygen.

What do you do next?

Student: Call 911!

After several decades of hiatus from the franchise, George Miller returned to the battlescarred post-apocalyptic world of Mad Max in the latest installment, the spectacular Fury Road. Here’s the chroofacques about the movie you may not have known:

When shooting began, Miller knew that it was going to be a Mad Max movie, but he didn’t know what else to call it. Then, during Nux’s (Nicolas Hoult) introductory scene, Hoult improvised the line “If I’m going out, I’m going out riding historic on the Fury Road.” Miller liked it so much that it became the title of the film. 

While it is common knowledge that Charlize Theron was so into developing the role of Furiosa that she shaved her head. What most people don’t know is that she also CUT OFF HER ARM. The limb was stored cryogenically and reattached by special-ops surgeons (medical care for only the super rich and famous) after shooting the movie. 

The most expensive part of the budget was not building the sets or vehicles from scratch. Instead, it was the enormous effort it took to turn the namibian night blue instead of black, like it usually is. George Miller refused to let the tinting effect be CGI because “...the sandstorm had already eaten up that budget.” He turned to the assistance of chemtrails, shamans, and radium to give the night scenes that eerie blue finish.

Tom Hardy didn’t know they were making a movie. He was drugged and kept in a dungeon until his beard was good and shaggy. He was brainwashed into thinking that his name was Max, and then they dumped him in the middle of a desert, and the cameras started rolling. Everybody else knew what was really going on, but in order to keep Tom Hardy’s “acting” realistic, they had to shoot the movie in order over the course of four days. The shooting required extensive “tom-free” rehearsals so everybody could go through four days without breaking character. Everybody selected for the movie was chosen based on their improvisation capabilities.

Hats, while once holding useful utility both in keeping the elements off one’s head and proclaiming one’s profession to everybody that could see your head, have become, in a majority of cases, something more advanced and far more sinister.

The first modern hat was developed in 1976 by haberdasher Peter Reilly in Atlantic City, NJ. The age of the utilitarian hat had just leveled off from a steep decline, to where the only classical hats left were those that provided warmth or physical protection to the wearer. Mr. Reilly wanted to give hats a new lease on life, so he used the blackest magics in haberdashery to give hats one final lease on life:

Personality.

If you have ever seen somebody wearing a hat, and you’ve felt like it was a fashion mistake, or something that they cannot take off of their heads, THIS IS TRUE. Hats have been purchased now for decades as a way for men without any personality to get one for the low, low price of a SINGLE HAT.

For solitary, bland men  who wish to be seen as interesting, the fedora is a neat choice. It looks somewhat adventurous, but still classy. They believe it will turn them into an adventurous, yet classy individual that will have questions asked of them. 

If only that were true.

While hats can provide personalities, it is rarely the personality any rational human being would want. Fedoras turn bland and solitary men into bland, solitary men with a penchant for blaming women for their problems. The flat-cap will turn a blank slate of a human being into a sad, partially balding man (regardless of the gender of the person BEFORE the hat was worn) who invariably uses a typewriter, and believes himself to be a genius that others simply haven’t recognized.

What if the wearer already has a personality?

For the aggressive, extraverted hyper-masculine man between the ages of 13 and 25, the flat-bill cap is an excellent choice. This cap doesn’t implant or exaggerate any personality trait, it simply alters the wearer’s vision such that speed limit signs are showing much higher numbers, and women are perceived as only their breasts and vagina (the clitoris remains invisible) and let’s the man’s social conditioning take care of the rest. 

There are other hats with more niche personalities that I will not get into, but remember this. We must pity the daily hat-wearers. Those hats, since they bear dark magic and personalities, are sentient and seductive. They make the wearer dependent upon them for the personality they offer. Those men will lose years of their life as a donation to their hat, a sick contractual agreement that the wearer isn’t even aware of.

On April 1st, 2017, I took things too far.

I hope 2015 me finds this and stops this madness.