#flat bill caps

Hats, while once holding useful utility both in keeping the elements off one’s head and proclaiming one’s profession to everybody that could see your head, have become, in a majority of cases, something more advanced and far more sinister.

The first modern hat was developed in 1976 by haberdasher Peter Reilly in Atlantic City, NJ. The age of the utilitarian hat had just leveled off from a steep decline, to where the only classical hats left were those that provided warmth or physical protection to the wearer. Mr. Reilly wanted to give hats a new lease on life, so he used the blackest magics in haberdashery to give hats one final lease on life:

Personality.

If you have ever seen somebody wearing a hat, and you’ve felt like it was a fashion mistake, or something that they cannot take off of their heads, THIS IS TRUE. Hats have been purchased now for decades as a way for men without any personality to get one for the low, low price of a SINGLE HAT.

For solitary, bland men  who wish to be seen as interesting, the fedora is a neat choice. It looks somewhat adventurous, but still classy. They believe it will turn them into an adventurous, yet classy individual that will have questions asked of them. 

If only that were true.

While hats can provide personalities, it is rarely the personality any rational human being would want. Fedoras turn bland and solitary men into bland, solitary men with a penchant for blaming women for their problems. The flat-cap will turn a blank slate of a human being into a sad, partially balding man (regardless of the gender of the person BEFORE the hat was worn) who invariably uses a typewriter, and believes himself to be a genius that others simply haven’t recognized.

What if the wearer already has a personality?

For the aggressive, extraverted hyper-masculine man between the ages of 13 and 25, the flat-bill cap is an excellent choice. This cap doesn’t implant or exaggerate any personality trait, it simply alters the wearer’s vision such that speed limit signs are showing much higher numbers, and women are perceived as only their breasts and vagina (the clitoris remains invisible) and let’s the man’s social conditioning take care of the rest. 

There are other hats with more niche personalities that I will not get into, but remember this. We must pity the daily hat-wearers. Those hats, since they bear dark magic and personalities, are sentient and seductive. They make the wearer dependent upon them for the personality they offer. Those men will lose years of their life as a donation to their hat, a sick contractual agreement that the wearer isn’t even aware of.