Postbum

Tom and Janice started out building something nice. Although, their ideas of what a relationship consist of clashed in the end the both of them could not neglect the connection that had formed between them. Janice may have been the one reluctant to get fully involved with Tom but in her defense Tom was starting to get clingy. It is general knowledge that clingy people are the worst. Shortly after they parted ways Tom went through the biggest depression in his life. Janice on the other hand met someone else the day after she decided to ghost Tom. Anthony was his name. Janice will forever regret that she let Tom get away. Just like with Tom and Janice’s relationship Anthony walked into Thrift Town and swooped Janice right off her feet. Anthony was the typical guy Janice went for. He was toned and was up to date with hairstyles and the latest fashion. Ant, as Janice would later learn to call him, was an abusive alcoholic. Janice learned to love Anthony with flaws and all never able to get Tom out of mind. Tom became a saint she would turn to on the nights Anthony would be at his worse. Years later Tom and Janice would meet again at the local grocery store. Janice will be holding a pack of beer and Tom the hand of a beautiful woman. It was at this point in Janice’s life when she accepted her fate. Janice had always hoped she would run into Tom again, maybe share a conversation about Star Wars or Thrift Town. Maybe all Janice wanted was to spend some quality time with anyone else and have a quite conversation. Janice was not bothered by her situation and what could have. To Janice, life was a bunch of choices you have to make and one slip you are in shit. It was the last time Tom and Janice would ever see each other never to find out what became of one another. Eventually, Tom did go to back to the Thrift Town and asked a cashier about Janice. The cashier had no clue who he was talking about and Tom was fine knowing he tried and left Thrift Town for the last time. 

Early morning, driving away from Dallas along Highway 35, Shane tells me he is sleeping with Jackie. Jackie is a former colleague of mine from a past job at a local hardware store I was let go from a month ago. One night we were texting and she was going on about her boyfriend breaking up with her but how she was ready to meet other people. About two weeks back I invited Jackie to come hang out with Shane and I at some bar I can’t remember the name of. They hit it off quite well and it was good to see the both of them having a good time. This week Shane is sleeping with Marie. When I confront Shane about Marie he stays quiet for the remainder of Radiohead’s House of Cards playing over the radio. He lowers his window and sticks his arm out with his palm cutting in and out of the wind. I crack open the driver side window to vent out the smoke coming from a cigarette I just lit. Scanning through my playlist Shane starts weighing the pros and cons of dating both Jackie and Marie. Scanning through songs I decide on The Strokes Last Nite. Shane explains to me how Jackie just likes to fuck and he digs that about her. Marie is the total opposite of Jackie, Shane says Marie is a girl you would take home to meet your mother. Inhaling the final drag of my cigarette I tell Shane he needs to figure out what he wants out of his situation with Jackie and Marie before he ends up alone again. A little over a month ago Shane was going through a bad depression caused by a bad break up with his longtime girlfriend Giselle. The day he met Marie he was at a brewpub drinking his favorite beer trying to erase Giselle from his memory. Marie had been staring at Shane off and on the whole night. Just before he had a little too much to drink Shane went over to say hello to Marie. Turns out Marie was at the bar drinking for similar reasons as Shane so naturally they left the bar together. Shane tells me that Marie is the first girl that he has ever been attracted to and doesn’t mind that they haven’t had sex yet. He explains how he could see himself falling in love with Marie and how happy they make one another. Then he goes on describing all the sexual things he has done with Jackie. When I change the subject back to who he will decide to keep around Shane says he wants to keep his options open. Shane then pops open a tall boy of Miller Lite from the passenger side floor mat and takes a swig. I take another cigarette out, light it up, then take a long slow drag. It’s way too early for this shit.

Drinking near the fire the heat creeps up the foot holes of my blue jeans. The soles of my shoes  burn with a fierce intent to set my socks ablaze, I welcome it. Words come and go through my mind never to escape from fear they will disrupt the peace. For the moment I am one with nature, spiritually dancing with the fire. Sasha wakes up from an afternoon nap to lay against me by the fire. For a moment we are fixated on the flames not saying a word. Moments like this I can die. Then it happens, the inevitable flaw that surrounds us all, Sasha cries in my lap. Oblivious to her feelings I stay in silence in hopes to prolong the amazing experience I am having with nature. Sasha wipes the tears from her eyes while getting up from my lap to rest her forehead in her hands. Sasha sounds like she is still crying but I cannot say for sure for I cannot see her face through her long dirty blonde hair as she looks down at the ground. Sasha tells me she has been seeing someone else. The instant her words hit my brain I decide I will not participate in the conversation but I listen. Sasha tells me the other man has proposed to her and that marriage is all she has ever wanted since she was a little girl. She tells me his name is Dane. She explains to me, now sobbing more than she was before, that she has been seeing Dane for the better part of a decade. Sasha and I met a little under a year ago. Sasha asks me if I would ever consider asking her hand in marriage. Sasha ignores my silence and changes the subject to how badly she has been wanting to tell me about the great Dane. Finishing what beer I have left in my bottle I tell Sasha to leave. Sasha’s cry’s intensify as she rushes to the car. She drives off leaving behind a gust of dirt masking my view of the fire. Now laying on my back looking onto the early afternoon sky, I cry. White puffy clouds slowly make there way across the the vast blue sky. The wind picks up clearing what dirt was left from Sasha’s departure. Life could not be any clearer than this. Although, I sit here and cry tears of joy at the beauty of the world I can’t help but ask myself, “what if I could fly?”.

Drift cuts me a line of what he calls the next street craze. It is only cocaine but Drift tells me it’s laced with a hallucinogen he can barely pronounce. Drift snorts his line first then hands over a Pixie straw with red stripes and a small mirror all in one hand. Looking into the mirror I see my reflection and the man on the other side frowns. My face does not feel like it is making any expressions so I focus on my line. Sniffing the coke into my virgin nasal cavity I feel a burn followed by a drip of numbness falling down into the back of my throat. Drift tells me to take the remaining coke on the mirror and spread it across my upper gum. My eyes open with a rush of blood passing through my brain. Lighting a cigarette, Drift offers me a drag. The drag counteracts the high making the forced comedown even more relaxing. Drift tells me he is scared to die. Drift tells me he regrets ever doing drugs because of what he has become. Drift explains to me how he sees a man in the mirror with a frown. Drift takes a clear blue bag from his chest pocket and nods in my direction to let me know he is about to prepare another line. We rub our noses while sniffing aggressively clearing the prior contents in the back of our nostrils to prepare for the next batch. The man in the mirror frowns at me again and all I can do is smile. 

Sue is taking off her dress slowly, standing directly in front the foot of the bed like she used to do. She climbs up the edge and crawls over me, kisses my neck. Sue lifts her head smiling into my eyes. A lump forms in the sheets as she makes her way in the direction of my waist. The lights turn on, Sue disappears. There is a man reaching for his chest on the inside of his jacket. Sue is sitting next to me on a swing, on a porch, watching two kids chasing a golden retriever. There is a white picket fence, the sky turns grey, starts to rain. Thunder pounds the sky, the sun disappears, its dark. 

Lighting a blunt, Jesse asks me how my day went, he tells me he thinks he caught crabs from that one chick he met at Beauty Bar last weekend. Passing the blunt, Jesse puffs his share and asks me what I think about when he catches me day dreaming. Pinching the blunt with my fingers, I take a hit and explain to Jesse that all I ever think about is life. Holding the blunt to his mouth, Jesse asks me why men and women treat each other the horrible ways that we do. My lips create an airway to aid the suction of the blunt that is left, I tell Jesse that life is too short to worry about shit like relationships. Jesse lays down in the fetal position across my bedroom floor confessing his will to fade away. 

Alexa calls, drunk and driving, leaving our place and tells me that she is sorry. She tells me that she is sorry but that she can no longer stay with me. She tells me that i was right, that my intuition has been accurate to point out she has been seeing another man. Alexa has never been honest with me in the past so I tell her that I never want to hear from her again. She tells me she wishes she had done better by me and she should have agreed with her gut when it told her not to get into another man’s bed. Alexa hangs up the phone, I fall asleep. 

Oh wow, it has been a couple of years or less since I have posted to my page. I don't know how to feel about this, but I will do my best to post often. Lately, I have been writing more than ever so I suppose it is time to get some feedback if anyone is interested in reading what I have to say. I will try and write every week since I have a lot on my mind in currently. So much living has been done since I last posted. Bye for now

I want someone to watch movies with.