Lawfully Acquired Spouse - Natasha Romanoff
pairing: Â Natasha Romanoff x Reader
summary: one drink turns into several. you accuse a very patient stranger of kidnapping you. unfortunately, sheâs your wife.
tags/warnings: established relationship, married couple, drunk reader, funny drunk, chaos night out, protective Nat, Wanda is TIRED, accidental flirting, domestic fluff,reader has no survival instincts.
author's note:  hi đ¤ iâm supposed to be studying for my exam on thursday (as i said, supposed), but somehow this turned into me projecting my inability to drink responsibly onto reader. that oneâs on me. Wanda being done with everyone and Natasha having infinite patience felt inevitable.
english isnât my first language, so please be kind. iâd love to hear what you think, comments always make my day.
Youâre halfway through putting on your jacket when Natasha looks up from the couch.
âYouâre not wearing heels.â she notes.
You freeze mid-zip. Slowly turn. âWhy does that sound like an accusation?â
âItâs an observation,â she says calmly. Too calmly. âWhen you donât wear heels, you drink more.â
âThat is fake data.â
Natasha smiles like she has spreadsheets.
You narrow your eyes. âYou cannot possibly haveââ
âI have charts,â she says. âTrends. A very upsetting bar graph.â
You laugh, walking back toward her. âI am going out for one drink.â
She raises an eyebrow.
âTwo,â you amend. âMax.â
Nat stands, steps into your space, and fixes your collar with unnecessary precision. âText me when youâre done,â she says. âIâll pick you up.â
âI can Uber.â
âAbsolutely not,â she says. âIâm picking you up.â
You grin. âYouâre obsessed with me.â
âYou're my wife, so yes.â she agrees easily.
You lean in, kiss herâsoft at first, familiar, then deeper because she hums against your mouth and her hand slides to your waist like it belongs there. Because it does.
She pulls back just enough to murmur, âBehave.â
You smile sweetly. âNever.â
Two hours later, the bar is loud, sticky, and absolutely not designed for the amount of chaos currently occurring inside it.
Everyone said just one round.
Everyone lied.
One drink becomes two. Two becomes celebratory. Wanda is sipping slower than everyone else, Maria is already laughing too loud, and Carol has decided tonight is a physical challenge night.
âCarol,â Wanda says, blinking slowly. âWhy are you on the floor?â
âFor prideâŚâ Carol says, already lowering herself.
âI can do twenty push-ups!â Carol announces.
A group of random men at the next table perk up immediately.
âIâll do thirty.â one of them says.
Carol cracks her knuckles. âCount me in.â
Youâre half-slouched on the couch, cheering with full confidence and zero balance.
You clap weakly from the couch. âGO MUSCLE LADY!â
âFIVEââ Carol shouts.
Wanda? absolutely done.
Sheâs seated at the table, nursing the same drink sheâs had for an hour, eyes glazed with the resigned patience of someone babysitting a disaster.
Youâre on your thirdâfourth?âdrink, perched dramatically on a barstool, telling a bartender a very emotional story about how your wife once reorganized the entire spice rack alphabetically and youâve never recovered.
âAnd she smiled,â you whisper, hand over heart. âLike it was normal.â
The bartender nods solemnly. âThatâs terrifying.â
âIt was hot.â you correct. âBut terrifying.â
Then, across the room, Wanda watches you stand on a chair to cheer Carol on.
âTen! Eleven! Twelve! CAROL YOUâRE A NATIONAL TREASUREââ
Carol collapses onto the floor, laughing. The men look like they might pass out.
Wanda sighs, pulls out her phone.
Natasha is halfway through paperwork when her phone rings.
She answers immediately. âIs she okay?â
Wanda doesnât bother with greetings. âWellâŚsheâs not hurt.â
âWanda...â
âShe is, however, extremely drunk.â
Nat exhales through her nose. âWhere are you?â
She gives the address.
âIâm on my way.â
âShe says sheâs married,â Wanda adds.
Nat pauses. ââŚYes.â
âAnd that sheâs waiting for her wife.â
Nat closes her eyes. âIâll be there in ten.â
Youâre mid-sentenceâsomething about proposing to your wife again because she deserves itâwhen Wanda touches your arm.
âSheâs coming.â
You blink. âWho?â
âWife.â Wanda says flatly.
âNo,â you say, shaking your head. âMy wife.â
âYes,â Wanda replies. âThat one.â
You frown. âYouâre confusing me.â
âI know.â
Wanda glances at the door, then at you.
âOkay. Showâs over.â
Natasha walks in.
Nat laughs the second she sees you.
âOh, youâre funny drunk,â she murmurs. âI forgot about this version.â
You spot her immediately. You always do.
Your face lights up like she personally invented electricity.
âOoooh,â you breathe. âSheâs pretty.â
Nat steps closer. âHey, baby. Ready to go home?â
You recoil like sheâs crossed a line.
âAbsolutely not,â you say. âIâm married.â
âYes,â Nat replies patiently. âTo me.â
You gasp.
âNonono,â you say, shaking your head. âMy wife is hot.â
Nat smirks. âCorrect.â
âAnd intimidating,â you add. âAnd she would never approach me like this.â
Wanda points at Nat. âThatâs literally her.â
You shake your head. âNonono. Donât confuse me. Sheâs blonde.â
Natâs smile turns wicked. âYouâre married to a redhead.â
You lean closer, squinting harder. âThat is exactly what a stranger would say.â
She sighs fondly. âYouâre impossible.â âI will scream.â you warn.
Before you can react, she grabs youâefficient, practicedâand hoists you over her shoulder like you weigh nothing.
Maria chokes on her drink. Wanda laughs so hard she has to grab the counter. Someone whistles.Â
âHEYââ you protest, dangling upside down. âPut me DOWN. I donât KNOW you.â
Nat pats your leg. âRelax.â
âIâM BEING KIDNAPPED.â you announce to the room. âBY A⌠VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.â
âYour wife.â Wanda says.
âI will be reporting this,â you insist. âTo my wife!â
Nat starts walking toward the door, unfazed.
You squeal.
âHEYââ you smack her back weakly. âWanda! WANDA IâM BEING TAKEN.â
Nat gives your ass a firm pat. âBehave.â
You gasp. Loudly. âSHE TOUCHED ME.â
âThat's my ass,â Nat says calmly. âIâm allowed.â
âSheâs gonna be so mad,â you continue. âShe doesnât like strangers touching me like that.â
Nat adjusts you higher on her shoulder. âSheâll survive.â
âI donât know that.â you argue, upside down.
Carol waves happily from the floor. âBye!â
The car ride home is⌠a lot.
Youâre slouched in the passenger seat, gazing at Natasha like she hung the moon.
âYou drive so well,â you say.
âThank you.â
âYouâre very strong.â
âI know.â
Five minutes pass.
Then you turn your head.
ââŚYouâre very pretty,â you say thoughtfully.
Nat smiles without looking over. âDrink your water.â
âAnd your arms,â you continue. âTheyâre⌠disrespectful.â
She laughs softly. âCareful.â
You lean close, lowering your voice like itâs confidential.
âIf I wasnât married,â you say, âI would absolutely flirt with you.â
âOh?â Nat glances at you.
âYes. But Iâm a faithful woman.â
âGood to know.â
You lean closer. âAre you single.â
She laughs. âNo.â
âThatâs a shame,â you say sadly. âMy wife would hate you.â
Nat glances at you. âWhy?â
âBecause Iâm flirting with you.â
You suddenly freeze. Eyes widening.
âOh my God.â
Nat raises an eyebrow. âWhat.â
âI cheated,â you whisper.
She blinks. âYou did not.â
âI emotionally cheated,â you insist. âWith⌠you.â
Nat bites her lip, trying not to laugh. âBabyâŚâ
You clutch your chest. âSheâs going to be devastated.â
âI think sheâll survive.â
âNo,â you say solemnly. âShe loves me.â
Nat reaches over, laces her fingers with yours. âI love you.â
You stare at her hand. At her face.
ââŚWait.â
The realization hits you like a freight train.
âOh.â
She smiles gently. âHi.â
âYouâre my wife.â
âYes.â
âI flirted with you.â
âYes.â
You think for a moment. âThatâs okay then.â
Nat laughs so hard she has to pull over.
At home, she changes you into comfy clothes while you narrate everything.
âThese are my pants,â you inform her. âThey are very soft.â
âI know,â she says. âI bought them.â
You pause. ââŚYouâre incredible.â
She tucks you into bed.
You immediately sit up. âWait...â
âWhat?â
âYou still havenât proven youâre my wife.â
Nat arches an eyebrow. âHow would you like me to do that?â
You think hard. Way too hard.
ââŚShow me your scar.â
She lifts her shirt just enough to reveal it.
You gasp. âMY WIFE.â
She smiles. âSleep.â
Morning comes with consequences.
Your head is pounding. The light is offensive. Your mouth tastes like regret.
Nat is already awake, sipping coffee, watching you with entirely too much amusement.
You groan. âWhy are you smiling?â
âYou told a stranger youâd report me to your wife.â
You bury your face in the pillow. âDid you⌠did you carry me.â
âYes.â
âAnd then?...â
She smirks. âI patted your ass.â
Your eyes fly open.
âYou did WHAT??????â
She leans down, kisses you slow and smug. âYou didnât complain.â
You groan again. âNext time Iâm wearing heels.â
Nat smiles. âIâll update the chart.â










