myo

Chapter 4: What I Touch With These Fingertips

Searching for a soul-change, today, too, I wandered around an unfamiliar town - “A Handful of Sand / Sorrowful Toys” by Ishikawa Takuboku

Safely at Inukashi’s, Nezumi and Shion explain why they were late as Inukashi berates them for making a mess of the food they brought.

The explanation comes in the form of a brief flashback: Nezumi and Shion were waylaid by four men wearing all black, two with knives and two with brass knuckles. Nezumi took care of them handily, but one pointed a gun at Shion. Nezumi threw a knife at the man with the gun, who then shot at Shion and missed. The four men retreated into the darkness, and Nezumi and Shion didn’t chase after them.

Back in the present in Inukashi’s hotel, Inukashi is salvaging the stew. They say that Nezumi and Shion should have gone after the men, but Nezumi says Shion stopped him from doing so. Inukashi says that Nezumi probably wouldn’t have gone after them anyway—he’s not the type to do so. Nezumi asks why Inukashi thinks so, and they say that Nezumi hates working up a sweat, especially right before a meal. Nezumi shuts his mouth, completely taken aback, and Shion bursts out laughing.

Inukashi wonders why Shion won’t tell the Security Bureau that he got attacked a second time, and Shion says that the men weren’t after him—they were after Nezumi. Nezumi asks why he would be targeted, and after the three of them discuss, they conclude that one, the men were no amateurs, and two, they all went after Nezumi even though Shion—the Chairman—was right there. It seems they wanted to test how Nezumi would fight if he were protecting someone.

Shion says he needs to hear Nezumi’s story before talking to the Security Bureau, and Nezumi agrees, but says Inukashi’s report takes priority. Inukashi says that dinner is their top priority, and starts ladling stew into bowls.

Rummaging in Inukashi’s cabinets to their chagrin, Nezumi finds two bottles of red wine and a basket of vegetables. Teasingly, he asks where Inukashi stole them from, but Inukashi says they were a gift from Rikiga. Nezumi is briefly caught by surprise. Inukashi explains that Rikiga’s been quite kind to them lately, and even gave them a shirt and shoes for little Shion. Nezumi wonders what Rikiga’s motive might be, and advises Inukashi to return the gifts—Rikiga probably has some nasty job up his sleeve for Inukashi.

Shion interrupts, saying there’s nothing dangerous about Rikiga. Internally, he reflects on Rikiga’s determination to start a newspaper, and thinks that Rikiga probably wants access to Inukashi’s ability to sniff out information, and so is trying to get in their good graces.

Inukashi accuses Shion of scheming with Rikiga to make trouble for Inukashi, but Nezumi says that if Rikiga has Shion’s approval, there’s probably nothing to worry about.

Nezumi suggest they crack open the wine, and while Inukashi initially objects, the combination of the lamb stew and the wine wins them over. As Nezumi uses a small knife to remove the cork of one of the bottles, he warns Shion to take it easy on the alcohol, saying that Shion is a lightweight and is a handful to deal with when drunk. He removes a carrot from the basket of vegetables, and presents it to Shion, telling him to take a bite.

Shion does with no hesitation, saying it doesn’t taste particularly good or bad. Nezumi scowls and says Shion always disappoints him. Shion asks what he means, and Nezumi says Shion let him down. Shion asks what Nezumi could possibly want from him—should he have pretended to be a rabbit?

Inukashi interjects and says the image of the Chairman acting like a cute little bunny is just too funny. They praise Karan’s cooking, then lean back in their chair, hand to their forehead. Shion asks if they’re choking on the stew and hands them water.

Inukashi doesn’t take the water. Instead, they explain their reaction: in the West Block, how good food tasted didn’t matter as long as you had something to eat. People even died because they ate food they knew was bad—their hunger won out over their survival instincts. Nowadays, though, because of all of Shion’s hard work, the West Block has fresh, good food and public utilities. They ask, though, that Shion not change the West Block any more than it already has. They don’t want to lose the West Block they know to No.6.

Shion asks if other people in the West Block share Inukashi’s opinion, but Inukashi brushes him off, saying that the reason no one’s complained about the Restructural Committee until now has been because of how grateful they are to be able to live without fear of death, starvation, and the cold. Inukashi wonders, however, how things might change in the future. No one in the West Block has forgotten what No.6 did to them, and this incident with the fire might stoke old hurts. Because the fire department was quicker to arrive to the fire sites in the city than in the West Block, Inukashi heard people muttering that the Restructural Committee was treating them like an afterthought, or discriminating against them.

They trail off, and Nezumi presses them for more information, saying they’d better spill before Shion’s dead drunk. Shion complains that Nezumi is calling him a bad drunk, and Nezumi says he is one—he’s experienced it firsthand.

Steeling themself, Inukashi continues their story. They say that people are used to loss in the West Block, and Nezumi agrees. Inukashi says that even though people suffered immense loss in the fire at the Anthill, people didn’t seem too anxious about it—the murmurs of discontent that Inukashi had heard had come later. Meeting Nezumi’s eyes, Shion asks if a bad actor might be sowing discontent on purpose.

Inukashi doesn’t confirm outright, but says that one of their dogs caught a whiff of an unfamiliar smell at the evacuation sites and at the burned remains—a smell that wasn’t of the West Block.

Shion wonders if maybe the smell was from personnel from the city like firefighters or doctors that came to help, but Inukashi denies it. This smell is an entirely new one. They also have one more piece of information to share—one of their dogs found a knife like the one used to attack Shion in the park at a vacant house at the western edge of the Anthill. The vacant house was next to a bar, and so drunkards would sometimes sleep in it, making campfires to ward off the chill.

A corpse burned beyond recognition was found inside the house, and one of Inukashi’s dogs saw some men enter the house just before the fire started. Nezumi wonders that if those men had deliberately started the fire, why not wait until nighttime when it was less likely that they’d be seen? Shion answers that they were taking advantage of the evening wind from the west—the house was to the west of the Anthill, and the wind was blowing from the west, so the fire spread very rapidly as a result.

Shion starts to panic internally, wondering what he should do to solve this problem, but Inukashi pulls him out of it by saying that people’s complaining has largely died down thanks to Shion coming by to the West Block incident sites, listening to people’s needs and informing them of the concrete steps of the recovery plan. They say Shion should be able to breathe easy for a bit. Shion says he can’t breathe easy yet because there are too many unknowns.

Little Shion wakes up from his nap, and Inukashi asks adult Shion to go get him a new diaper from Inukashi’s room upstairs. Shion leaves to go do so, and Nezumi is alone with Inukashi. Inukashi has two updates on the job Nezumi tasked them with: first, they didn’t hear any rumors that the man in the hologram Nezumi had shown them had been seen at the Anthill. Second, they got a short video of the man talking to another man on a West Block street corner. None of their conversation is audible. They also got a photo of him getting in a car. That’s the limit of what Inukashi is willing to do for two silvers.

Inukashi muses again on the incredible things Shion has been able to accomplish, calling his ability to calm the anxiety of West Block victims of the fires akin to magic. They say Shion can control reality as he wills, even though he may not have noticed that he’s doing it. Nezumi agrees.

Inukashi asks how things will go with him in a year’s time—does Nezumi think Shion will truly be able to leave No.6? Will No.6 be able to stand on its own without him? Will the status quo deteriorate into fighting and taking sides?

Nezumi asks why they’re thinking about No.6’s future, and Inukashi counters that they’re thinking of their own future—they don’t want to raise their Shion in a world like the old No.6.

Shion comes back from upstairs. Inukashi comments that one of the wine bottles is already empty, and accuses Nezumi and Shion of drinking all of it. Shion says he only had one glass, and Nezumi says he should keep it that way—he doesn’t want to carry a drunk Shion home on his back. Inukashi tells them to stop arguing in front of their kid, and little Shion happily says “Drunk! Drunk!” The three of them burst out laughing as the dogs and little Shion look on in confusion.

The scene transitions to Nezumi and Shion alone in the underground room. It’s Nezumi’s POV. Toweling his hair dry after a shower, Shion comments on how nostalgic being in this room together with Nezumi feels. Nezumi asks if he wants to turn back time, and Shion sits down on the bed. He says, after a long moment of silence, that he wished that countless times these past two years, and it exhausted him because he knew that wish could never be granted.

Internally, Nezumi agrees—for him and Shion both, time can’t be turned back.

Shion continues, saying that he doesn’t want to chase after some past Nezumi. He wants Nezumi, wants him as he is now.

Nezumi sets down his book and stands in front of Shion. He comments that Shion’s sending him mixed messages—sitting on a bed and saying words like that sounds like Shion’s propositioning him. Shion says that he doesn’t mind if Nezumi thinks he is.

Nezumi shoves Shion in the chest, and finds Shion falls back all too easily. Nezumi climbs on top of Shion, straddling him, and remarks that Shion’s become quite bold. Shion says it’s because he’s drunk, and Nezumi says his eyes aren’t those of a drunk person. Nezumi thinks, though, that his eyes aren’t those of a person propositioning someone, either.

Shion calls his name, asking Nezumi what he and Inukashi had been talking about after they got him to leave the room. Rather than answering, Nezumi touches Shion’s neck, sliding his fingers leisurely along his red scar. He feels warmth, but also that Shion is trembling. He presses harder to crush down that trembling.

Nezumi finds himself pondering two choices: he could caress Shion or strangle him. He wonders which Shion will choose.

His voice perfectly level, Shion asks Nezumi what he’s been hiding from him. Nezumi asks him if he wants to know, and Shion says yes. His expression is one Nezumi knows very well—Shion’s eyes always look like that when he says he wants to know something. Nezumi recalls all the times Shion’s looked like that while saying that to him before.

Nezumi considers his two choices again: to caress Shion, or to strangle him. He wonders which one he himself will choose. He digs his fingers into Shion’s neck harder, but then sits up. Shion also slowly sits up. Nezumi says it’s about time he told Shion what’s been going on—starting with his two years away. He begins to speak.

The scene switches to Karan, near the end of her workday. Though it had been a busy day and she only had a few items left in stock, she finds herself sighing.

She reflects on how popular her bakery has become, with some people even driving more than half an hour to come by, and she almost never had leftover stock. Thinking of all the words of praise she's received, she feels contentment—a contentment she had never once felt when living in Chronos. When they had been cast down from Chronos, Karan had wanted to give her son a big hug and tell him thank you for setting her free. When they had moved there in the first place, neither she nor Shion had had any choice in the matter, and she had shrunk in on herself from fear, but still played the part of the ideal elite mother that the city expected from her.

Now, while living in Lost Town hadn't always been easy, and at times she had worked herself to death trying to provide for the two of them, she felt free. She didn't have to pretend to be someone she wasn't, and she could choose to live how she wanted. She had earned her happiness and her way of life through her own hard work. She was happy—she knew, down to her bones, the truth of that.

So, she wonders, why sigh now?

She realizes it's because she's worried about Shion, in both the short-term and the long-term. She's worried about him in the short-term because she hadn't heard from him since last night when he had briefly called her to let her know he was going to be very busy as he dealt with the current emergency situation. She's worried about the possibility of the situation escalating further.

She reflects on the Security Bureau, and how they had been agents of terror during the old No.6 regime, taking people into custody without warning or due cause. She still fears them now, even though the Security Bureau has been completely transformed and actually works to protect citizens' safety.

She's worried about Shion in the long-term because her generation, and Karan in particular, hadn't done anything to stop the old No.6 from becoming what it was. She hadn't fought against it, and so left Shion and his generation to inherit the debt that they owed. She hasn't explicitly apologized to Shion, Nezumi, or Inukashi for this because she knows it won't change anything. She knows, however, that Shion will never be free unless she learned not to cower in fear or be swept away by the current. She needed to stand up for her way of life. If she doesn't, Shion might just break.

Her name is called, and Nezumi steps in. He had let himself in through the back. Karan asks if she can give him a hug, and he says of course. She tells him welcome home, and Nezumi says she's the first person to say those words to him—neither Shion, nor Inukashi, nor Rikiga, told him welcome home. He asks if he can kiss her cheek, and she says of course. She comments on how tall he's gotten, and they have a lighthearted exchange about how when you get to be Karan's age, you don't notice how old you've gotten until you're practically senescent. Nezumi, mock horror on his face, comments on how terrifying that is. Karan thinks privately that he knows what true horror is, and so did Shion, Inukashi, and Rikiga—only Karan herself had never experienced abject terror.

She offers him dinner, and he refuses, but does accept to sit down for tea and ginger cookies from the day's unsold stock. Karan doesn't want him to leave until Shion comes home.

Nezumi says that her cookies are so good she must be a magician, and they joke about her being the fairy godmother from Cinderella. She thinks about how elegant he looks as he lifts his teacup to his lips, but also remembers how bold he can be, and feels like she's touched Shion's heart, even if only a little. She remembers how her son had looked as he had been entranced by Nezumi's movements.

Nezumi's innate contradictions—both his elegance and his boldness, and how knew the depths of despair and yet clung to life with all he had—must have shocked Shion to his core. How must that have felt, she wonders. Like agonizing pain? Like pure, trembling joy? Like he was breaking out of his shell for the first time?

Nezumi takes her out of her thoughts by musing on how difficult it must be to raise a child. She says it was, even though Shion was an easy child. She's interrupted by the two little mice that are Hamlet and Cravat's children climbing onto his shoulders. She asks if she can give them some crumbs of rye bread, and they delightedly begin to nibble.

Nezumi asks her what the difficult parts of raising Shion were. She explains that he often got fevers when he was little, and it scared her so badly. He also, she says, despised carrots—he wouldn't eat them no matter what she did. He would run away from her, and start bawling if he saw her even holding a carrot. She comments that while she never actually tried this, she's sure he would have run away in tears if she had chased him holding a carrot.

The mental image is so funny to Nezumi that he breaks out in laughter, genuine and warm. He can't stop laughing. He asks if she would chase him with a carrot these days, and she says certainly not at her age. Nezumi asks if she has any other stories.

She considers what Nezumi might want to know. She says that he has a stubborn streak, and Nezumi wholeheartedly agrees. Karan said it made raising him difficult at times, but Nezumi says it's an admirable trait. He's never met someone else so stubborn, and yet so honest with himself.

While they agree that self-deception isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's not good to continuously self-deceive. Karan thinks that if they hadn't deceived themselves—if they had seen reality for what it was and spoken up about it—then No.6 might not have come into being.

Nezumi says that No.6's rebirth was only possible because Shion refuses to deceive or compromise with himself. He says that while Shion intends to call it quits after the election one year hence, he's not sure Shion will actually be able to do so.

Karan asks what Nezumi would do if that were to happen, and Nezumi says he'll wait for Shion, as long as it takes for Shion to be done.

That doesn't make Karan feel any better, and she feels unsteady, almost drunk. Nezumi calls her name, and asks if he can steal Shion away from her.

Karan feels as if the world has lost its color, and her tea tastes of nothing. She works through her thoughts. Two years ago, she thought that Shion might leave with Nezumi, and though it hurt her, she knew being at Nezumi's side was the right thing for him. Now, though, that resolve to let him go is wavering because she has to actually confront the reality that he might truly leave, and so she feels unsteady. She's his mother, though, and she needs to get a hold of herself.

Karan says that Shion is very intense, and asks if Nezumi knows that.

Nezumi says he does—he's been nearly overwhelmed by Shion so many times. He says that Shion also has depth to him, and no matter how deeply Nezumi fords his way into him, he can't grasp his true nature.

Nezumi trails off, and Karan wonders if he's going to say he loves that part of Shion, but is caught off guard when he instead says he's scared. Nezumi doesn't know how to explain that feeling to her even though he knows she's the one person he should explain himself to. He wants to understand Shion even if he spends his whole life trying, but he's not actually confident he ever can. He clenches his hands together on the table.

Karan doesn't know what he means, and, putting her hand on top of his and meeting no resistance, asks him to explain. It's not possible to completely understand another person, and you can share your life with someone even if you don't.

But she realizes she still hasn't gotten to the heart of what Nezumi is trying to express. She asks him to explain again, starting to lose her patience. She says that Shion will go with him no matter what happens, so what have you chosen, Nezumi?

Nezumi pulls his hands away. He says he's going to set Shion free, taking him out of No.6 for good. Though he doesn't know where they'll go, they're going to go away together and never come back.

Karan is starting to sweat. She explains that Inukashi's been worrying over Shion constantly, and so she's glad that Nezumi is here for Shion, but Nezumi wants to set him free for an entirely different reason than Inukashi. She asks what that is.

Nezumi's face twists, and Karan has a flash of worry for him, but he speaks: he got Shion involved. Two years ago, he forced him to take up a terribly heavy burden, and hurt him deeply. He dragged him away from what that hurt did to him.

Karan finds herself frustrated and scared, and she stands up, yelling at Nezumi to explain what he means. The mice dart under the table to hide. She sits down, burying her face in her hands, and apologizes to Nezumi for losing her temper.

Nezumi says he's the one that needs to apologize, and reiterates that he can't explain himself beyond that he intends to get Shion out of No.6. He doesn't have the right words.

Karan wonders if he's afraid that Shion will lose himself if he stays. She sits up straight, and says she won't pry further, but asks that he does as Shion wishes and lets him live his life with Nezumi. She says that Shion is serious, though, and asks if Nezumi can accept that. She says it won't work out if the only reason Nezumi is choosing to live life with Shion is that he feels he owes him a debt, made him suffer, or forced a burden on him. She says that atonement is different from love.

The mice hear the sound of a dog howling—a different dog than the black dog protecting Shion. Karan reflects on how more people are adopting dogs and cats as pets these days—it had been prohibitively expensive for many people in the past. She recalls a conversation with Inukashi where they had complained about having to vaccinate their dogs, and Shion had explained that the city covered the cost of pet vaccines. As she had listened to them talk, Karan had wondered about adopting a dog herself.

People's changing attitudes towards pets was a microcosm of the changes in the city as a whole. No.6 was opening like a budding flower. Would Shion throw that all away, she wondered? No need to wonder—she knew he would. He would take Nezumi's outstretched hand and leave without a second thought. Nezumi, she thinks, you're the one hesitating, not him.

Nezumi interrupts her thoughts with a sigh. He explains that he intends to take Shion out of No.6 as soon as he can, but it's Shion who first needs to decide when he's ready. Shion won't be able to go anywhere if he doesn't feel like he's done his job completely.

In the meantime, Nezumi has his own job to do. He shows Karan a short video. He wants her to confirm something. The video is a short scene in the West Block, where a crowd of people throng somewhere that seems to be the market, but she's not sure. In the midst of the crowd, she sees something that makes her nearly cry out.

She meets Nezumi's eyes, but then they hear a dog bark. Shion is home. Nezumi quickly hides away the hologram device projecting the video before Shion can see it. Shion greets Nezumi, but Karan feels like she's frozen in place.