🙃 so hungry but out of room for the day. Waiting till breakfast. I want breakfast.
I had cake today. And cake the day before, with pizza. Because it is too much but not satiating. I end up hungry in bed. It becomes not worth the temporary enjoyment. Use my allotment intelligently. Eat filling foods and so many vegetables.
When i was eating crap all the time i never figured id find myself laying in bed at 1 am, salivating over the anticipation of turkey tofu bolognaise, boiled potatoes, green beans, and a chocolate protein shake. it is school lunch coded. and it sounds heavenly right now. How lucky i am that i am capable of craving the shit i eat 4 times a day, every day.
Except, Fuck. This batch is bbq.
Turkey tofu bbq. Boiled potatoes. Green beans. Protein shake.
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"slut era" i say as i rot and decay in my bedroom and watch the years pass me by as i miss out on core experiences other people my age are having while i think about the past
once you get over your ass and realise you will never get some people and that’s ok you are basically immune to right wing fearmongering. otherkin? none of my fucking business
I must not fall victim to disgust. Disgust is the heart-killer. Disgust is the little-death that brings total apathy. I will face my disgust. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the disgust has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
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I just want to be surrounded by so much love in my life. And not just relationships. Love for my job, my home, the stars, the sunsets, the place I live where ever in the world that is. I want to experience love in all forms
That difficult stage of being unable to determine my actual bf % ballpark because im not sure if its just a muscle mass issue vs body fat. Ive been... wrong? Every time, cause i just keep shrinking whilst getting more and more visibly muscular. Every time i think ive hit my end result and am just skinny fat, more melts off and more definition pops, leaving me both smaller and more muscular than i could ever predict..
Im pretty much down to just the stubborn areas having noticeable fat, but im not sickeningly striated on my undeniably overtrained muscle groups. Just vascular as hell.
But the issue i run into, is that this entire time ive been feeling really close to being quite lean, but the goal post keeps moving because, well. It keeps moving. I was warned i had more fat than i assumed, and that has turned out to be true every time i thought i hit a decent low. Never did i figure id get sub 150 and not start looking like a leaf. Been sitting around 145 for what feels like forever and i feel great, but the lower belly and back fat that remains is frustrating. Fighting the urge to change what is clearly working and is clearly sustainable is the most difficult part, just being impatient. I know i need to start focusing on muscle building soon but the deficit is so easy. Sit back and watch it melt off vs lift and lift and lift. And jesus, im tired. Blame it on the deficit, blame it on forgetting my vitamins, blame it on working too much. Whatever it is... 😴
Its weird to realize that it may be difficult for me to add on the same amount of muscle as fat i have lost. Its weird to realize that my ideal weight may be accurate and that i am just destined to weigh less than 2 bags of concrete mix. It is a strange feeling to realize that I am just. Small.
If i am nice to myself and say im at 15% bf at 145, logic states thats like. 21.5 pounds of fat. I cant lose that all or id be dead, so with no muscle changes thats the floor being 123.5. So. 12% would be about 5 pounds away from where i am at.
And that 5 pounds is more intimidating than the first 25, because the last 5 from 150 to 145 has been a fucking slog.
The clothes i do have that fit are all asos specials from 2019 because they were too small but i kept them so i just look. Dated. UGH But EVERYTHING is super baggy fits now and tbh even the smalls swamp meeeeeeee
grmmfpy being so little and accidentally having legs that are just. So big
Means the pants that fit me best always look painted on around the quads and calves which like. Neat, i look like i have a fucking bangin body but lord does it start to look dated and dare i say inappropriate and my kneejerk says it makes me look like im trying very hard
Ughhhh can someone else just dress me and tell me that i look good so i dont have to rely on my isolated echo chamber. I have to cull 97% of my wardrobe but it is also illegal to be naked
And no stores near me carry even close to my size so what the FUCK.
Weirder part so far is realizing that my normal tshirts are almost too big. Gildan heavy weight mediums. My staple because they fit my shoulders and chest but had enough in the middle to help hide the gut that doesnt really exist anymore.
Tried a small. Didnt feel like a sausage in a casing. But while this felt like a win it also hit thw confidence in a bad way. Shoulders and arms arent Tight but they dont really need as much tailoring as the mediums did and that is a weird feeling. I continue to feel like im wearing someone elses clothes.
To go from a life of everyone pointing out that im small but also being a chubby guy to... now everyone points out im small but im like. Little little. If i was a little more balanced aesthetically i might feel better.
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