[awesome title here]

TLDR - If someone you know is struggling, offer support more than once.

So this sounds familiar. I've both heard and said it many times... but how many people take up the offer? Sometimes more is needed.

Well in my case it was. After finally having the "oh shit, yep. I need help" moment, I opened up to family/friends about where I was at. Comments like "I'm here if you need to talk" or "let me know if you need anything" felt almost final, a token gesture of support. At the time it felt near impossible to open up with everything I was feeling, it was overwhelming and embarrassing so my response was "thank you" or "I appreciate that" . Which I did...

but... What I needed came later. After a week or so of building up to normalcy, the time had come to go grocery shopping. It was time to leave the house andddd I couldn't. Cue the anxiety and the shaky sweaty panicky mess that comes with it. Right, time to take people up on those offers to help...

Keep in mind I had been answering messages and working from home, even conjured up a few lol's and haha's in that past week. So its understandable people may have assumed all was well. I messaged 7 people "Hey, are you free?" - all of which was no reply or the honest answer that they weren't. I didn't end up getting to the shops.

Now, I know if I had told them the necessity of their attention things would have been different. Honestly though, I never would. I don't think many people are comfortable with that kind of request.

I have a new rule. Every "are you okay" or "I'm here of you need me" is followed with a "I'll touch base with you tomorrow."

I set a reminder. After that I adjust the reminder for next week, then next month, until I know things are right.

I'm not saying this is the perfect way to support everyone. I just know it would have helped me. It's hard when when you don't know what to say or do. All you can do is be there.

I've been frozen in place for a week. I've let down work, family and friends. The guilt is just another ramification of this current state, along with the complete lack of respect for my health and the mess that currently surrounds me. Ubereats bags, scattered tear filled tissues, half folded laundry and cigarette butts. I haven't showered in days. The poor attempts for excuses no longer cut it today and I was found out. I had to be honest with everyone that yes, I'm here again. Sorry.

OK, now the self-indulgent wallowing is out the way... I'm actually all about self-improvement this year. This is just a bump in the road, I know that. I am incredibly lucky that I have such supportive people in my life. Apparently i need to start living outside of my head and channel my melancholy into something creative. Considering I have the artistic (and time management) skills of a drunk squirrel, I thought I'd try get back on the blogging train. It's risky, basically an invitation for people to use my words against me. BRB just need to go repress some high school trauma...

So I was recently diagnosed with ADHD. The time, money and energy it took to finally get an answer to why my brain is like this was ridiculous. It hurts my heart to know there could be other people going through what I did that don't have the resources to get an accurate diagnosis. Tell you what though, it makes sense that most of the people I have ever truly connected with have problems with substance abuse.

In my quest for inner peace, or at least inner content, I have spent countless hours in a google vortex looking for insight, advice or a faint glimmer of hope from anyone in the same boat. Where are my other ADHDers at? Where are the misfits and weirdly intelligent yet lacking basic life skills types? Where are the kindred spirits? I don't need to read anymore articles about managing kids and partners. That doesn't apply here. Give me stories from the lonely. From the poor decision making, awkward deviants who talk, drink, smoke and eat too much. Give me something, anything. freaking. relatable.

Honestly, if I see one more smiley faced, flower clad socially acceptable pinterest popping info graphic resembling anything close to live laugh love mediate give up caffeine exercise positive self talk b u l l s h i t - I will scream.

Anyway... the plan is to use this space to dump my thoughts and learnings, in the hope that it not only will help me get out out of my head... but maybe be a place that anyone, even just one person, can find what I've been looking for all this time.