My coworker sent me this insane Gwyneth Paltrow jewelry ad this morning and it FUCKING H A U N T S me. SPOILERS, but I have so many questions. Is the husband just in space or is he dead? I mean, he’s dead. If you took away that jaunty French music it would be obvious that he is definitely super dead. How many of those CASSETTES are there? Putting aside how spooky it is, just visually (Does Alice ever have people over? Do they just pretend to ignore that she has this CRAZY PERSON BOOKSHELF full of HAND-LABELED CASSETTE TAPES like some Martha’s-Vineyard Fox Mulder??), that must have taken literal days of his life. Locked in the bathroom for an entire week like “DON’T COME IN HERE, ALICE, I’M BUSY.” How long ago did he go to space if CASSETTE TAPES were considered an acceptable way to record audio when he went up? He has been in space for 20 years. He is dead. What is Alice’s life now? She just wanders around her giant, spotless 900 million dollar house, imprisoned by her own privilege and the ghost of her former life. Drawing the same three drawings over and over like the kid from “The Ring.” Drinking juice from a carafe with an EMPTY GLASS on the other side of the table, presumably so she can imagine her dead space husband is there. “Drink up, darling,” Alice says lovingly, reaching into the empty air to cup an imaginary bristled cheek. “You haven’t touched this delicious guava-lavender purification tea I brewed for you, and you must get your vitamins before you go to space.” Also, she has a picture of HERSELF next to her picture OF HIM, instead of a picture OF THEM, together, which makes me wonder: is Gwyneth Paltrow’s character “Alice” at all?? Is this like that astronaut love triangle where the one astronaut attacked the other one???? Did Gwyneth murder Alice while her husband was in space, and now she pretends to live Alice’s life???? “Alice has been such a recluse since Roderick went to space in 1996,” Alice’s friends say, not realizing that Alice has been mummifying in the charming 18th century icebox in the servants’ kitchen since 1996 and Gwyneth is the new Alice. “We’re so happy together, aren’t we, Roderick,” Gwyneth croons to her tape player, wrapping her arms around her own torso, swaying dreamily before the full length mirror, wearing nothing but Alice’s special 20-year-old surprise necklace and a wig made of of Alice’s hair. I love this commercial so much.
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