charredmeteorzz

i post here more frequently than my main 😬😬😬 damn i gotta learn how to shut up

as much as i want one very particular friend to find this blog im kinda scared at the same time because there's so many stupid shit here which could genuinely creep them out

the weird shit and intrusive thoughts and overthinking that goes on in my mind could genuinely be adapted into a tragedy where the main character is almost completely irredeemable and that sucks because i have the power and knowledge on how to do all of that. i could be an obnoxious bum regarding my personal theism and shove it down the throats of everyone who doesn't want to go to church for completely valid takes. shit i could just show everyone as i feed four years of refined and refined oc lore into chatgpt. im capable of many, many terrible things, and im capable of even daring to think about it. i don't want totdo them, at least, i hope i don't, but possessing such knowledge might say way more things about me than all the words i've said my whole life

with each fuckup that happens i genuinely start to think about killing myself and every day i start to treat those urges seriously. i fear the day it'll get to me and i'll learn how to cut myself and i fear even more the day i lose hope and end it. but i don't want to. but partially i want to. and i don't want to feel that way at all. i shouldn't think about hurting or killing myself ive still got a long way to go. i don't want to feel this way

i can't remember what it was like to be without worries

PLEASE TELL ME SOMEONES THERE TO LISTEN PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

im not important enough to be checked in on, huh?

you want to be as thoughtful, smart, and talented as i am. haha... i can only wish to observe those traits, L.

i wish i could learn how to shut the fuck up for once

i wish i wasn't so socially lazy. i need more friends in my life and i can achieve that by getting into many fandoms. but i don't want to consume all that media. i have a life. but i can't just larp. that'll make me a bum. im sorry acid for not liking weezer. i'm sorry mari for not being drawn to pokemon or deltarune and by extension the egg saga and pit saga or whatever you like. and im sorry for every person that could've been my friend. every clubmate i never knew existed, every online user i scrolled past. i could've been a much happier person if i just locked the fuck in.

well that was fucking embarassing

my hands that form masterworks are the same ones that make messes. my keyboard that types to humans is the same one that types to what isnt. my heart that wishes for the best is the same one that lusts for the worst. my mind that works wonderfully is the same one that chooses terribly. my hope that i swear is enduring is the same one that is crippling. my friends that i should be more open to are the same ones i never reveal anything to. my identity that i swear is who i am is the same one manufactured around the satisfaction of others.

lowkey as much as im terrified for the mental health of my friends im glad they vent because it reminds me they're actual people and that i shouldn't picture them as one-dimensional caricatures of how they are irl