I think I'm losing my mind

starting from my earliest inquiries into existence via "where did I come from" questioning as a tiny child, I was introduced to pregnancy as an inevitability, something fundamental to being alive that I would experience. I began my life with the understanding that I would experience both childbirth and death, and that it was pointless and maladaptive to express fear about either of them.

as I got older, everything I saw and read and heard about pregnancy/childbirth taught me that it was scary, painful, disabling, and often caused death, but that this was a sort of noble sacrifice that everyone must endure for the good of (??? the species?).

and then one day it just hit me that a slight majority of people on earth never experience pregnancy ever. they live full, meaningful lives. so maybe I did not have to do this terrible scary painful thing to be a human being, and have my life matter to people.

but soon after that realization, I started witnessing & experiencing sexual violence and became aware that as long as I had that organ, it was not my decision. I could always be forced to endure this. learning about the reactionary movements to block access to all protections against this (birth control & abortion) further emphasized that this was not under my control.

during my first pregnancy scare when I was a young teen, I found myself with perfect unshakeable certainty that if I ever became pregnant and could not access abortion within a month, I would kill myself. it was the only option, and I would take it. as I grew into an adult, I took with me the constant knowledge that suicide was my final protective option.

I was terrified to die. I didn't want to kill myself. I wanted to remove my uterus. but despite me begging every single doctor to just let me learn about my options, it took thirteen years to actually get a referral to a consultation with a surgeon and finally get a hysterectomy.

if you want kids to not kill themselves, let them get permanent irreversible surgeries to reshape or remove their sexed traits. it is not a decision kids pursue without consideration for the world around them; it is deeply informed by the world around them. these are not expressions of trivial desires for short-term benefits without consideration for how it will impact their bodies for the rest of their lives. these are profound assertions about what constitutes a bearable physical reality for someone during their one brief shot at existence before death.