what the fuck is gender

today I am a boy

wrenching mismatch of soul and skin burning relentless, dry ice in my chest, frost on every curving, smooth, wrong question of anatomy, winter storms in the curve of my hips,

today I am a boy who cowers from shadows and curls in his shell on the bedroom floor, waiting for breath, for the shuddering phantoms to dissolve back into dust, for the comfort of strong hands around his wrists,

today I am a boy and I hold fear and disgust like cupped water in my hands, steel bands around my heart, my thoughts are rows of great white shark teeth embedded in my skull;

today I am not a boy but a bleeding wild animal, barbed wire piercing my belly and thorns in my fur, snarling and whimpering in my den of self-inflicted pain,

approach me slowly with hands outstretched,