Intrusive suicidal thoughts are the worst when they hit you at unexpected times, like dinner with a friend, in the middle of doing your job at work, sitting in a dark theater watching a movie surrounded by people. I’ve walked through the last 2 years of my life, numb and tricking myself into believing I was okay because feeling nothing was better than feeling pain. Then something happens to swipe the rug out from beneath you, and it all comes sweeping in like a tsunami, the urge to self medicate and self harm, the constant desire to end it all versus the fear of death itself.

I’ll begin with a warning… this is a very touchy, vulnerable and controversial subject. This is also something I’m very passionate and care deeply about as I know people who died by suicide and I myself have struggled with bipolar disorder which automatically increases my risk of suicide. So let’s get to it, shall we? “Suicide is a selfish act.” When I hear this, I don’t get angry as much as I do sad that people still believe this. If anything, in the mind of the one who takes their own life, it’s a selfless act.I believe there are two possible reasons why some say suicide is a selfish act. The first may be an attempt to comfort the suicide loss survivor(s) in an effort to help shift the guilt burden (blame) to the one who died. The second reason may be it is easier for them to say “suicide is a selfish act” rather than really try to process why someone would take their own life. Being a suicide survivor gives one much more perspective— and I hope to use this to educate others. I’ve heard many different opinions on this subject but the ones I hear most are “suicide is selfish” and/or, only cowards commit suicide. First of all, people who believe this obviously never struggled [firsthand] with mental illness or are most likely heavily influenced by religion. If you were ever in the grips of depression, you know you’re not “killing yourself” to take the easy way out. A majority of the time, you don’t want to die, rather, you just want the pain to end and feel there’s no (other) way out. When I’ve felt suicidal in the past, it’s not that I was weak, instead, under the influence of my neuroses and trauma; convincing me I’m better off dead and nobody cares about me. To an extent, it is selfish only because when you are in such despair, it’s nearly impossible to look at the big picture and realize thoughts and feelings are not permanent. All you can see is a deep darkness while feeling extremely desperate for the pain to end and hopeless in the situation. You’re not thinking about how your decision may impact others because you are convinced nobody gives a shit about you and no one would notice if you were gone. Personally, I don’t think people that die by suicide are cowards. The only situation where I think so is when there’s a mass shooting (such as columbine) and the killers took their lives afterwards to escape the consequences. I’m not suggesting suicide is ideal or encouraging people to kill themselves; rather, to have an open mind & compassion for people that take their own lives. If you’ve ever tried to take your life, you know how scary it is. It’s an adrenaline rush like no other and extremely frightening. Can you imagine how much suffering a person must feel to get to that point? If you can’t, you’ve probably never experienced it therefore you have no right to claim these people are “selfish/cowards”. I know how scared I felt prior to overdosing as it was my last resort. It’s not that I wanted to die, but I truly felt there was no other viable option. You have to understand people who attempt or are successful at suicide are most likely mentally ill. It’s not them making the decision but their illness. Nobody gets mad at someone who dies from cancer. They may say they “lost” their battle, but these people get sympathy and remorse. Now, picture how people react when somebody dies from suicide. I’ve gotten remarks about how people would be “so mad” if I took my life and I’ve even had family members ignore me, saying I was doing so for attention. Nobody would get angry at a loved one with cancer, so why do we for mental illness? If you had a voice screaming in your head 24/7 that you’re unloved, unwanted and a worthless piece of shit, wouldn’t you want it to be over? People are insensitive saying they should just “suck it up” or were too weak without ever having been in their shoes. It’s so much more than having a bad day. Depression and sadness are correlated but everyday, situational sadness comes and goes. This is very different from clinical, major depression or any other mood disorder/illness like schizophrenia. “As human beings, it is difficult for us to relate to mental pain and empathize with what someone so afflicted is feeling. I believe this is one of the reasons suicide is so stigmatized and misunderstood. Most of us can easily understand physical pain since at some point or another in our lives we have experienced some form of it. Peoples judgments strengthen my resolve to continue to inspire conversation about mental illness and suicide with the hopes of dispelling myths like “Suicide is selfish.”

— Ned Vizzini, It’s kind of a funny story

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it doesn’t matter how you loved me, it matters how you left me.

I wasn't that enough, was I? // ma.c.a

i hope i make it obvious ( @late-nights-and-daydreams )

you is like trying to stop breathing

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— B.M. 

— Jeanette Winterson, Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal?