.45
I haven't really written about my feelings in a long time. Tonight I feel sick. I feel love struck and nauseated. I'm diving into an ocean of strong emotions I've kept myself away from for over a year and there's a reason why. I can't handle love. I can't handle heartbreak. Now someone's come into my life and I've lept for that person. Undoubtedly he's caught me, but he has no idea that he's going to make me or break me. If he breaks me I'll return to my wild untouchable self. Night crazed and slithering my way back into the center of attention to the opposite sex. Breaking up doesn't scare me but I don't want to be that person again, I was so fake I believed I was happy. Now I'm paying the price for my bad decisions well after I've committed them. Another thing that terrifies me is what I'm willing to go through for him. What I'm willing to stand behind before I get burned. It's hard, I'm trying to desperately grab the emergency break on our relationship just to pause to build my walls just a little more cause he's torn down most of what I've put up. His choices can hurt me as if I've made them, I can barely handle myself I can't bare a burden of two heartaches. I only got over Eldin as of this year. I've carried so much hatred for him I've finally come to peace with the fact I was hurt where I didn't think it was possible. Now Colt is slowly becoming more and more apart of my world and I'm scared of myself.
