emkayewrites

Chapter 40 of my slow-burn, friends-to-lovers Lukola fanfiction. It's a few months before the Bridgerton S3 press tour and their relationship is getting interesting.

26th August 2023 – London (UK)

“Oh, Jaysus. I’m starting to take this weather personally,” Nicola muttered as she slid into the plush booth, her jacket slipping off her shoulders as she exhaled. The warmth of the bar wrapped around her, a welcome contrast to the crisp evening air outside. She had just returned from a sun-soaked winter in Sydney, only to find London already tipping into autumn.

“You definitely missed the standard three days of British summer.”  Camilla said with a sympathetic shrug, already halfway through her cocktail.

Around them, a soft hum of conversation filled the bar, muffled by the golden glow of pendant lights that swayed gently above each table.

“Anyway, you’re late,” Camilla added, nudging a menu across the table.

“It’s these bloody heels. Why do I do this to myself?” Nicola lifted one foot, revealing a pair of deep velvet platforms that were as beautiful as they were impractical.

Camilla laughed. “Because you have taste. And a flair for drama.”

She was effortlessly chic in high-waisted black trousers and a cream silk blouse that shimmered with every movement. A delicate gold chain rested at her collarbone, perfectly paired with bold red lipstick she wore like a signature. Nicola, by contrast, had chosen a midnight-blue wrap dress woven with subtle silver threads—a quiet mix of comfort and elegance.

“So,” Nicola said, reaching for the cocktail Camilla had already ordered for her—something citrusy with a hint of spice. “Tell me everything. What’s the latest on your side of the world?”

“Nah, we’re not talking about my mildly chaotic collaborations or my eternal battle not to check emails after ten,” Camilla said, shaking her head. “Not when the plot twist of the season is happening right here.”

Nicola laughed.

“I’m sorry, but I’m still digesting the absolute wildness that is your life right now,” Camilla continued. “You and Luke are basically imitating art.”

Nicola grimaced. “Can we not say that?”

“What?” Camilla arched a brow.

“Imitating art just makes me feel... weird.”

It was funny how some realisations hit you all at once.  As the words left her mouth, it dawned on Nicola that it was hard to confront the fact that their very private love story was also a very public love story.  Although she and Luke had not explicitly spoken about it, she knew the thought of their on-screen romance being compared to their off-screen relationship would not sit right with him either.

“Hmm.” Camilla pursed her lips thoughtfully at her best friend. “I was wondering how you were feeling about that side of it. I don’t imagine it will be easy to navigate.”

In that moment, Nicola felt more grateful than she had ever felt before for Camilla.  To have such a close friend who knew you so well but also shared the same industry as you and just understood your dilemmas was invaluable. 

“Understatement of the century.” Nicola took another sip of her drink.

“Well, is there a world in which your boyfriend being your on-screen boyfriend makes your life easier?” Camilla teased, flashing a mischievous grin. “Think of the brand potential! The collabs! Social media gold! That’s where the real money is anyway.”

Nicola narrowed her eyes. “Don’t.”

“What?  Look at Mollie Mae and Tommy Fury – minted and happy.”

She was clearly joking, but the image alone made Nicola queasy. She knew that she was feeling a deep love for Luke, and she was sure he was feeling the same thing for her.  She also knew that they were not interested in the idea of celebrity, they were both serious about wanting to be known for their craft and their craft alone. 

“I know you’re trying to be funny right now, but I might actually throw up and if I do, I’m aiming at it you.” Nicola grimaced, making Camilla chortle.

“I think you’re going to need laughter to get through this.”  She shrugged. “That and a bit of advice from the old Shondaland PR team.”

Camilla was right.  The production of Bridgerton was a very well-oiled machine, and every moving part was accounted for with some contract or another.  As season leads, she and Luke had signed and notarised a hefty tome that had every kind of stipulation you could think of – everything from ‘no physical alterations’ to ‘morality’ clauses.  There was a prominent section in there about dating one another which stated that it was something that had to be reported to showrunners immediately. 

Although she and Luke were already starting to feel apprehensive about publicly presenting as a couple, and the pressures that would place on them – neither of them had really thought about their contractual obligations.  Would the Bridgerton team even support them dating?  It was not unusual that a network might ask actors not to date especially when it might affect promotional tours and even more so when it might affect the way a fandom connected to a romantic pairing.  What would happen if they dated and then broke up as they started press for the newest season?  Would they have to fake being together for the sake of the show?  What if they stayed together and were going strength from strength as the tour kicked off?  Would they be asked to lean into it, to perform their relationship for the audiences whilst they were in civilian mode as just Luke and Nicola?  Was that the kind of relationship they wanted?  Luke detested sharing anything that was not work on his Instagram and although she was more laidback and happier to share parts of her day and personality on her own social media, even she had a limit.  Her closest relationships were the limit.  Her family were never featured.  She did not intend to feature her boyfriend.  Yet, it would become inevitable would it not?  Then there would be the scrutiny.  Not just of Colin and Penelope but of Nicola and Luke.

“If it means anything,” Camilla said gently, cutting through her thoughts, “I’m really happy for you. We like to act like we’re cynics about love, but seeing you like this? It makes my heart grow a little.”

This elicited a smile from Nicola. “Who said anything about me being happy?”

“Please.” Camilla rolled her eyes. “You practically blush when I say his name “I mean, where did the script end and you guys begin?”

“You know, I think I forgot sometimes.” Nicola let out a deep sigh. “He’s got Colin’s heart but without all the misogyny and fancy tailoring – and he’s so easy to… it’s just so easy to like him.”

“Woah.” Camilla was wide-eyed as she drank in the dreamy expression on Nicola’s face.  She had never seen her quite like this before about a guy.  There was usually something unbothered and casual about her approach to dating and relationships but here, Nicola was most definitely bothered.

“So, what do you think did it?” Camilla leaned forward almost conspiratorially. “Was it filming all those sex scenes?”

Nicola could not help but to flush at this. 

“Oh, God, the sex scenes.” Nicola held her face in her hands.

“That good, huh?” Camilla chuckled.

“Something like that.” Nicola smirked. “Alright, can we get the spotlight of me?”

Camilla looked at her thoughtfully for a moment as she stirred the straw around her drink.

“You seem really… in love.” Camilla finally stated.

“Fuck, I think I really am.” Nicola admitted, a glint of fear in her eyes.

For a moment, they both sat there in silence listening the voices of the men a few tables behind them who were animatedly discussing cryptocurrencies and the stock market.

It was a big deal to digest the fact that she was in love with Luke and to do it out loud with one of her closest friends was really cementing it for her.  This was a real thing that was happening to her. 

Love. 

Being in love.

Being invested in someone. 

Trusting someone.

The only thing she could compare this experience to was with how Ezra used to make her feel.  The difference was that with Luke, she felt on steady ground, and things felt easy.  There was nothing unspoken, there was no tension.  It all just fit together and happened without much effort. 

“Sorry, pal.  I asked you out for a night of fun drinking and catching up, not to give you more to worry about.”

“No, it’s good.” Nicola reassured her. “It’s good to talk about this stuff.  Especially about the work side of things.  Luke and I have just… I think we’ve tried to avoid thinking about how it’s going to affect work.”

“Well, amen to avoidance.” Camilla held up her half-finished drink.

“Amen to avoidance… at least for another night.” Nicola agreed, meeting their glasses together with a clink.

--

Later that night, Nicola lay in her bed with Luke’s body curled against hers.  She was in a deep but troubled sleep with her forehead creased and her breath catching in little starts.

In the depths of her subconscious, she found herself on a bright red carpet.  Cameras flashed in every direction, a frenzy of light and noise.  She moved down the carpet, feeling disoriented.  She had no sense of what she was wearing or even what she was doing there.  In fact, she was feeling something she rarely felt anymore when she was out at an event – she felt self-conscious. Watched. Small.

Then suddenly, Luke was beside her, smiling that easy smile of his. He looked sharp, golden. Every part of him effortlessly camera-ready. He reached for her hand and laced their fingers together.

“You guys are a beautiful couple!” A female reporter declared.

“What’s it like dating Luke?” Another reported shouted at her.

"Luke’s girlfriend, give us a spin!" Another disembodied voice coming from somewhere.

She tried to open her mouth to answer but no sound came out.

The camera bulbs flared brighter. Her cheeks burned. She tried to step back, to let go of Luke’s hand, but it was like her feet were glued to the floor. The more she tried to pull away, the closer the noise, lights and people seemed to get. 

She knew she was dreaming.  She knew it was a nightmare.  Yet, she did not wake up.

Instead, she nightmare replayed itself over and over again.  Sometimes it started with her on the Bridgerton set being interviewed about Luke.  Sometimes she was on a red carpet again.  Yet, the theme was always the same: everyone around her had a hungry, obsessive need to know everything about her relationship with Luke, and no one was interested in their work as actors and more importantly, in her work as Penelope.

She woke the next morning to a migraine and bright light pouring in through her floor-to-ceiling windows.

Her mouth was dry and her eyes stung.

Luke was still in a deep sleep next to her.

She tried to shake off the uneasy feeling she had, reminding herself that alcohol and anxiety were never a good mix, and she had had quite the cocktail of both the night before.  Yet, the feeling was proving hard to shift.

She really hoped it wouldn’t linger.

Another snippet from my slow-burn, friends-to-lovers Lukola fanfiction. We're on chapter 39 and in August 2023. Check it out!

13th August 2023 – Sydney (Australia)

Nicola sat on a bench in the Royal Botanical Gardens, sighing as she kicked off her dusky pink kitten heels and wiggled her toes.  The August air carried the scent of eucalyptus and freshly cut grass, mingling with the distant and briny tang of the harbour.  Looking straight at her from across the water was the cluster of white sails that made up the building of the famous Sydney Opera House.

Sally, a thin, mousy woman with a blunt fringe dashed towards her with a bottle of water.

“You’re a babe.” Nicola took the water from her gratefully and took a sip, visibly wincing at its icy coldness.

“We’ve only got the ones in the cooler.” Sally stated apologetically. 

“Aw, you’re fine, Sal.  Don’t worry about it.” Nicola felt the usual instinct to reassure kick in.  A light breeze picked up, rustling the jacaranda leaves behind her and sending a cool shiver down her spine.

Nearby, the production team and film crew were all taking a break.  Sally, the assistant director, headed back towards everyone else.  There was a director’s chair, several bits of lighting and camera equipment and a small table that served as the snacks station occupying the small section of the park that they were commanding for the day.  Stood by the crew and munching down on a sandwich was Lewis, her costar, dressed in all the trappings of a Regency-era nobleman: a navy tailcoat, white cravat and top hat.  Nicola eyed him somewhat jealously as she rubbed a hand up and down her naked arm to try to quell her goosebumps. 

I can’t resent him for being warm.  She thought.

It was a hard thing to achieve when she was sitting there in a thin, baby pink maxi dress with red spaghetti straps and spending most of her time shivering between takes.

She had been very excited to be flown out for the week to Australia by Uber Eats to film an advertisement that would be part of an international campaign.  Having an all-expenses paid trip was not bad but what really sweetened the deal was how much she was going to be compensated for the work.  She had discussed it with her mother, and they had both realized that the amount she was going to receive for a few days of filming was going to substantially dwarf what she was paid for first season of Derry Girls.  It had felt like a true pinch-yourself moment. 

Is this what making it felt like?

She didn’t feel any different.

OK, that was a lie.

Somewhere in the last few years, she had made the transition from feeling guilty all the time about taking jobs that would mean she could not afford to pay rent or feed herself to someone who just… simply could afford things.  She and her mother had both taken a moment to really let that sink in.  Nicola wanted to be intentional about recognizing those moments so that they were not taken for granted.

However, it was starting to feel challenging not to take the opportunity for granted as another gust of wind made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up.

The weather in Australia was the running joke between Nicola and Luke’s text messages to each other.

Somehow, in all her enthusiasm to show up for an easy gig like this one, she had failed to consider that August was Australian winter.  Luke had watched her gleefully dance around her bedroom as she packed sunscreen and mini-dresses and boasted about leaving the mugginess of London city behind her and he had not said much.  It was only when she arrived at Sydney airport and saw people in parkas, jeans and cardigans that her suspicions started to be raised.  She oscillated between being annoyed that Luke had let her pack so badly to being somewhat impressed by his commitment to a prank.  The first text message she had received from him upon landing had been a screenshot of the Weather app that showed the weather for the week in Sydney would range between a chilly eight to thirteen degrees Celsius alongside the emoji of the face that was sweltering in the heat with the words ‘try not to burn!’ 

Just as she was thinking about that memory, a text message pinged through on her phone.

It was Luke.

It was just a screenshot of the Weather app that illustrated the time and temperature in London.  It was five o’clock in the morning there and the app showed that it was going to be twenty-three degrees Celsius that day. 

Cheeky sod.  She thought.

Nicola Coughlan: I will leave you.

Luke Newton: -laughing crying emoji-

Luke Newton: How’s it going?

Luke Newton: You working hard on getting us free UberEats for life?

Nicola Coughlan: Can’t

Nicola Coughlan: Too cold to function

Luke Newton: It’s 13 degrees, that’s cold for summer but it’s not cold for winter.  You can do this!

He was right.  This was the mildest winter experience she had ever had in her life.  The Aussies did not know how good they had it.  Still, it was hard when you expected yourself to be sweating and battling heat exhaustion and were instead trying to find any patch of sun to stand or sit under so that you might experience a tiny bit of warmth.

Nicola Coughlan: The outfit isn’t outfitting

Nicola Coughlan: I’m in a flimsy dress and Lewis is in about three layers

Nicola Coughlan: Dismantling the patriarchy when?

Luke Newton: I miss you and your flimsy dresses

Nicola rolled her eyes.  As much as she enjoyed her boyfriend potentially salivating at the thought of her in a sexy dress, she also felt a twinge of annoyance that that was the part of her messages that he was zeroing in on.  Then again, she could not expect Luke to fully understand the layers at play here and what was really bothering her about the way the wardrobe had been orchestrated.  She decided it was probably best just to get through the shot and then talk to him later, fearing she might let her frustrations show.  The last thing she wanted was to get snippy with him – especially when she missed him so intensely. 

She took another sip of water and tried to orient herself to her surroundings.  She tried to pay attention to the smells, sounds and the colours to ground herself.  Just then, another ping interrupted her thoughts.  She debated putting her phone on silent and tucking it away into her bag but decided against it.

Luke Newton: Why does he get to be Three Layers Lewis and you’re in a silly dress?

She found the edges of her mouth upturn into a smile for the first time that day as she stifled a giggle.

Nicola Coughlan: Been told I need to wear a dress for aesthetics

Nicola Coughlan: I did try to ask for something warmer but director is not keen at all

Nicola Coughlan: *male director – no significance of course

Luke Newton: Of course(!)

Luke Newton: Isn’t the whole treatment 21st century woman puts 19th century man in his place?

Nicola found herself nodding at her phone screen.

Nicola Coughlan: YES.

Nicola Coughlan: Exactly.

Luke Newton: What a pisstake.

Nicola Coughlan: YES.

She didn’t know why but her heart seemed to swell up ten times in size during that exchange.

He understood her frustrations.  He was getting it.  God, it felt so good to be got.

Nicola Coughlan: Just got to put up with it for a few days

Luke Newton: Fuck that

Luke Newton: Ask for something warmer

Luke Newton: Be the 21st century woman

Nicola began to laugh off his comments but then stopped and really thought about it.

Alright, so she really did not want to be the kind of person that made waves.  She didn’t want to be the bitch on set that made a mountain out of a molehill.  Yet, here she was, on a film shoot where the message literally was about a woman being empowered enough to put her foot down to misogyny and she as the actress was not able to have the basic human need of being warm met.

Luke Newton: Or don’t.

Luke Newton: Do what feels right.

She appreciated his words and in that moment she felt pretty sure she knew what was going to feel right.

“Actually Sal – do you think I could get a cover-up?”  Nicola shouted across to Sally who was now also standing by the food station.  Sally was immediately responsive and grabbed the green and pink striped cardigan that was resting on top of a box that was filled with wardrobe bits.

“Winter out here always feels like you’ve got a fever. You go between being too hot and too cold constantly.” Sally joked, handing Nicola the cardigan.

“I’m noticing that.” Nicola responded, keeping her tone matter of fact. “I’m going to keep this on in the rest of the takes.”

She watched Sally’s face contort into one of confusion.

“It just feels true what a modern girl would do and wear on a day like today.” Nicola continued.

“Well, we did discuss this earlier and the look just isn’t right for the tones and colours we’re going for – remember, we’re giving the visage of summer.”  Sally spoke carefully.

“It’s not very summer to be in a three-piece suit though, is it?” Nicola shot back, her voice a tad sassier than she would have liked for it to have been. 

She watched Sally visibly falter and regretted her own bluntness.  She wanted to maintain professionalism but also convey that she had a voice, and she had boundaries, and those did not need to contradict the mission statement that day – they could work together if she would just be valued enough to have an input.

“I don’t believe my wardrobe choice comprises the artistic vision at all.  If anything, I think it compliments it.”  Nicola continued, her tone calm and firm.

Sally chewed this over and then with a big sigh, she shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.”

Sally walked back over to the director.  Nicola pulled the cardigan on as she watched them converse, the director looked over at her and she gave him a terse smile and small wave back.

She realized in that moment that she was not scared out of her wits about what she had just done. In fact, she felt as composed as she had ever been.

This is what it really meant to make it.  She thought.

It wasn’t about earning more money than she had ever before although that was nice.

It was about having her voice and not being scared to wield it.

This was what making it truly was – and God did it feel good.

Luke had played a role in pushing her towards that.

Nicola Coughlan:  Gonna wear a cardi. Director 100% hates me. It’s looking unlikely on the free UberEats for life.

Luke Newton: Deliveroo’s better anyway.

---

A *new* snippet from my Lukola fanfiction: finally updated after nearly 5 months! I TOLD YOU I'D BE BACK!

28th July 2023 - London (UK)

“Oh, God. This is really shite.” Nicola let out an exasperated sigh as she surveyed her work.

She was lying on her stomach, stretched across her living room floor, dressed in nothing but a large white T-shirt.  She was focused on the paper in front of her which was covered in indistinguishable black scribbles.  Strewn all around her were an assortment of coloured felt-tip markets and balled up pieces of paper – evidence of a creatively-challenging afternoon.

Luke appeared behind her and knelt over to peer at her handiwork.  She watched the expression on his face with some bemusement.

“It’s…” He started to formulate his words, his face blank.

“It’s…?” Nicola pressed; one eyebrow arched.

His eyes met hers and he smiled a smile that she had been getting to know well.  It was a pacifying smile. 

“You’re really pretty.” He concluded and moved his lips closer to hers.

She raised a palm up so that it created a barrier between their faces and rolled her eyes.

“No!” She shook her head at him. “You can’t distract me again.”

He seemed to take little notice of her protest, instead focusing his attention on placing a kiss on her hand.

Ugh, why did that have to feel so good?  She thought while gently prying her hand away from him.

“We need focus. Or you need to leave.” She threatened.  It was a half-hearted threat. 

If she was being honest with herself, it was not even half-hearted.  It was completely empty. 

It was not lost on her that they had not spent a single day or night apart since the Barbie premiere.  It hadn’t been intentional.  By some miracle, they had both found some slack in their schedules and it had just felt right to spend almost every waking moment together when work was not an obstacle.  Admittedly, they did spend most of their time in a bubble in either her apartment or his, away from the world but that was exactly what they were both craving.  In fact, the only thing they seemed to be craving these days was each other.  It was kind of becoming a problem.  After all, she was sure it was the reason why she was in the position she was in now: wearing nothing but her boyfriend’s T-shirt at four o’clock in the afternoon, desperately trying to work to a deadline that was very important to her but failing because said boyfriend was intent on being a menace every opportunity he could.  Sometimes all it took was her to look in his direction and before she knew it, they were both naked.    

“Alright, alright.” Luke stood up, holding his hands up.  “I’ll be helpful, I promise.”

Nicola put her attention back to the page.  She wondered if the creativity she needed would come more naturally to her if she was working on fabric rather than paper.  This made sense to her given that her design was going to end up on a t-shirt for the ChooseLove charity.  The charity had always meant a lot to her and she had been wanting to find a way she could tangibly contribute beyond just money and her famous name so when this opportunity had popped up, she had jumped at the chance.  It was only now that she was realizing how tough this was going to be.

“Maybe I need to draw it out on a t-shirt.”  She mused out loud. “Got any plain white tees?”

Luke looked up at her from behind the kitchen island where he was now stood over a large steel pot.

“Do you want me to answer that, or will a glare do?” He replied, eyeing her up and down.

Nicola looked down at what she was wearing and then cackled in response. 

She had kind of monopolized his wardrobe.  Every hoodie and t-shirt that belonged to him had sort of come to belong to her.  There was just something comforting about pulling on an oversized piece of clothing and letting yourself sink into it – and the fact that it all smelt like him was just a bonus.

“Your clothes are so comfy.” She sighed. “I want them in the divorce.”

Luke laughed at the remark despite himself.

She found her heart skipped a beat at the exchange.  She had made the quip without thinking but the fact that she was joking about being married and divorcing him and his reaction was one of ease did not go unnoticed to her. 

It was an odd thing.  She had experienced many crushes in her life – some more crippling than others.  OK, one that was more crippling than others.  Yet, she had never experienced anything like this before.  She had never felt closeness to someone who felt like a best friend and a lover and like family all rolled into one.  The fact that she could share her darkest and stupidest thoughts with him – things that she usually reserved for Grainne - was enough.  Yet, this was also a guy wanted to kiss all over when he was naked – and she often did just that in a slow and deliberate manner that drove him crazy.  Was this what real love was?  Was this the kind of thing her grandparents who were married for sixty years had?  Was this it?

“Alright, come on.” 

Her thoughts were interrupted by his voice.  He stood over her again, but this time, he was holding a plate of the chili and rice he had cooked earlier that day.

“What are you doing?” She frowned, wrinkling her nose at him as he sidled up beside her.

“You draw, I’ll feed.” He replied, his tone serious and business-like as he held a forkful of food up towards her.

She laughed in response.

“I’m helping.” He shrugged. “Open up.”

“I can feed myself.” She smirked, gently batting him away.

“You haven’t even had lunch. I think that’s half the reason you’ve got this creative block.” He was insistent.

“I know.” She relented. “I just can’t get to the food part of my day until I’m done with this part.”  She gestured frustratedly back at the paper in front of her. 

“I know.” He agreed. “So, I’m not telling you to stop even though I think you’re approach to meal planning is atrocious.”

She opened her mouth to protest but he interrupted her.

“It’s atrocious but I’m not here to change you, I’m just here to be a solution. You keep your hands drawing, mine will keep you fed.”

She thought about it for a second.

She hated to admit it, but he was right.

She had never quite figured out how to fuel herself and how to be busy at the same time.  It was like her brain hyper-fixated on the task in front of her and refused to let her go anywhere else until that task was completed.  It had made her an efficient and reliable person but if she was honest, it had not always been the best for her health.  It often meant skipping meals, starving, feeling lightheaded, and not getting to eat until the early hours of the morning sometimes. 

Luke was watching her face as she processed his words.

“I’m right, aren’t I?”  The cheeky smile spread across his face again.  “You’re thinking – he’s a genius. Why have I not been listening to him this whole time? I’m a tiny, little idiot.”

Nicola narrowed her eyes at him, biting back the urge to laugh again.  “It was going so well until you threw that remark in at the end.”

“Open wide, my tiny, little idiot.” He said with a smile, and she could not help herself but obey.

Somehow, the transition from afternoon to evening happened without them realizing.  Between forkfuls of food and many, many redrafts of her design, they managed to settle on something that was simple but also captured a little bit of her essence.  The night ended with them lying tangled beneath the covers, their limbs entwined. Nicola felt the stir of a long-forgotten feeling – it was deep, warm and unmistakable: satisfaction. 

My face when I haven't updated my #Lukola fanfiction in too damn long. That all changes this week!

13th July 2023 – London (UK)

Luke Newton: How far away are you?

A smile stretched across Nicola’s face as she typed out a reply on her mobile phone.

Nicola Coughlan: I’m sending you my live location.

The response was instant.

Luke Newton: It’s not as fun as you trying to tell me where you are and failing.

Nicola Coughlan: I’m doing my best!

Luke Newton: You’re nowhere near Canary Wharf.

Nicola Coughlan: My head barely reaches up to the window.

Nicola Coughlan: Did I mention I’m very small?

Luke Newton: Being short can’t be an excuse for everything.

Nicola giggled out loud at his response and then remembered where she was.  She looked self-consciously at the front seat of the car she was in.  The middle-aged taxi driver was staring straight ahead, his eyes bloodshot, and his face slightly weary.  He gave no indication that he had noticed her sudden giddiness. 

God, was she giddy.

Her life felt like it had never been better.

The last few weeks had allowed her to finally be in the same city as Luke and they had taken every opportunity possible to be together, usually at her apartment or his.  This had also been an incredibly busy time for both, and they had been pivotal cheerleaders for one another as they went through career milestones.  When Luke was invited to Wimbledon for the first time as a guest of GQ, he had responded in true Luke fashion: with joy at being acknowledged but also severe anxiety at the whole idea of being a fashion object of some sort.  She was fast learning how much he loved being an actor but how much he equally struggled with just being Luke at these events – being most comfortable when he could disappear into a role.  She had reminded him how only a year ago, he had teased her about her own Wimbledon appearances and now here he was – being a fashion icon at a top British sporting event.  She found the way he blushed in response to her praise endearing.   She loved how quick he was to remind her that she was invited to several Wimbledon events this year and was constantly being revered in the fashion pages for her style – she loved this not because she wanted him to admire her but because it demonstrated how humble he was.  He never wanted the spotlight for too long, and he was all too happy to cast it back on her. 

In their personal lives, they had not been shy about demonstrating their affections for each other around people they knew.  She attended the wrap party for The Shape of Things as his date; they had walked in together and then spent most of the night pressed up against the side of the bar, not-so-discreetly making out, much to everyone else’s amusement.  They had decided they did not want to nor feel the need to be more public, with both agreeing not to post anything on their respective social media accounts or to discuss their relationship in the press.  They knew that at some point, talking about each other would be inevitable but they were keen to keep as much of their relationship for themselves for as long as possible.

Nicola thought about how she had never felt so good in herself.  She was in the city of her dreams, with a burgeoning career, and with a boyfriend with his own successes, and they were both aligned in their core values.  They just seemed to fit.

How the hell does it get better than this?

Some days, she worried about whether she was peaking too soon – in both her career and love.  She dismissed these thoughts quickly, and usually on that kind of day, there was something consuming on her schedule that distracted her from the fears.

It was this kind of high that Nicola was riding as she sat in the back of the taxi, watching London landmarks whizz past her.  When she looked down at her outfit or caught a glance of her reflection in the wing mirror, she really wanted to pinch herself.

She was dressed in an outfit that she could only describe as being from her literal dreams.  The true credit had to go to Aimee, but Nicola could not help but to admit that she was the one who made the dress look damn good.  She was in a silver corseted gown that was covered all over with Swarovski glass crystals.  Off-setting the shimmering outfit were her freshly dyed red locks which were beautifully styled into soft curls that framed her face, and her make-up was doll-like but subtle, with soft pink lips and light pink contouring.  She felt good.

Only hours before, she had walked onto a bright pink carpet to flash bulbs, screaming fans and an endless litany of famous faces at the London premiere of Barbie.  It was a film that had hype - it was breaking records in the worldwide box office as well as shaping popular culture.  She had negotiated interviewers and photographers, and she had become keenly aware how much attention she was getting.  Even further validation had come in the form of messages from friends and family who were at home watching the photos of celebrities at the premiere come in on their social media feeds.  Luke was the most enthusiastic of them all, sending her screenshots of herself on the carpet a mere ten minutes after she had taken them with statements like: “How are you a real person?”

She would be lying to herself if she said that she was able to sit inside Cineworld in Leicester Square with A list stars and watch one of the most hotly anticipated films of the year that she herself was featured in and fully appreciate it.  Of course, she was excited to be there, and it was a special thing to be around such talented people and to celebrate a project like this.  However, there was a part of her that wished Luke was there by her side, not sat at home avidly scanning Instagram Live and Twitter feeds for scraps.  He could have been there as one of her guests and kept Grainne company in the family and friends seating, but they had both decided against it.  They reasoned that it did feel too exposing, and anyway, if they were not able to sit by each other’s side, it did not feel worth it.

It was in this spirit that she had found herself ending her night a little earlier than she usually would at an event like this.  She navigated her way into one of the free taxis provided by the press team and asked them not to take her to the afterparty, giving them Luke’s address instead.  She had texted her sister to let her know she would not be at said party, to which her sister had responded in her usual nonchalance:

Grainne Coughlan: Do I need you to get in?

Classic Grainne – straight to the point.

Nicola Coughlan: Not if you’ve got your premiere tickets

Grainne Coughlan: Alrighty

Nicola Coughlan: I won’t be there though

Grainne Coughlan: But Margot Robbie will

Grainne Coughlan: So I’ll live

Nicola Coughlan: Don’t do anything to tarnish the Coughlan name

Grainne Coughlan: I only want a SMALL lock of her hair

Nicola Coughlan: I know you’re joking but still, the fear of God resides in me

Grainne Coughlan: Tell Lukey I said hi ;)

Before she knew it, Nicola arrived at the large Victorian terrace and hastily attempted to tip the driver, but he politely refused, insisting that tips were also taken care of for the night.  No sooner had the taxi left then the front door flung open and there stood Luke, his hair slightly tousled, in a white t-shirt and dark sweatpants.

She felt her heart race as he drank in her appearance.  His eyes seemingly bulged out of his head.

“Fuck.” He finally said. “You look….”

She felt herself blush.

She never blushed.

Jesus, what was this boy doing to her?

“You look too good to be stood on this street at this time of night.” He finally concluded, reaching out to take her by the hands and pull her into the house.

The door had barely closed behind them before they were all over each other.

This had become one of their main communication methods lately: tongues.

They always greeted each other with a hunger but tonight was different.  She could feel it.  Tonight was the night.    

It was a strange thing but in the last few weeks, despite numerous sleepovers, they had not got there yet.  Luke had insisted that he was not in any rush when it came to sex, and she herself had a sneaking suspicion that the romantic in him would not allow them to just fall into having sex one random night, she knew he wanted it to be special.  He had still not completely recovered from the way his plan to confess his feelings to her had fallen apart; he often expressed that he felt she deserved better than a phone call – not that it mattered to her.  She made it clear she was low maintenance in that regard.   

As the days had passed, Nicola had realised that most of their nights started off with a lot of kissing and touching, but also a lot of talking.  So much talking that often, the sun was starting to come up just as they were drifting off to sleep.  Nicola realised this was the first time she had been in an intimate relationship with someone who had been one of her best friends, and because of that, there was always so much to talk about. 

Well, some might call it talking but the more accurate term was gossiping.

They gossiped about everything and everyone.  Their worlds had been so intertwined, and they had shared so many experiences that they never ran out of things to comb over.  It was an intoxicating experience to be able to make out with your best friend in one breath, and then in another, be able to share your deepest, darkest thoughts about yourself or about people you knew.  It was a level of intimacy that was deep and terrifying.  She could not imagine being so emotionally open with anyone other than him.  There was also a deep desire within her to know him inside and out.  She wanted to know his thoughts all the time, and he seemingly felt the same way. 

Yet tonight, Nicola could tell they were both thinking about the same thing, and it wasn’t talking.

They stopped kissing for a moment and Luke delicately placed his hands around her waist, being careful to not cause damage.

“Well, all I’ve thought about since seeing pictures of you tonight is tearing this dress off you…” He stated.

“Ugh, no.” Nicola let out a small, disapproving gasp in response and peeled his hands off her waist. “I shouldn’t even be here in this dress.  I’m meant to literally extract myself out of it without it touching any of my make-up and put it into an airtight bag.”

“I know, I know.” He gave her a knowing smile.

Nicola gave him a puzzled look.  She knew him well enough to know he was up to something.

They were stood in the semi-lit hallway that had two doorways along it; one door led to a kitchen and living space and the other led to a bathroom.  Right next to them was a carpeted staircase with a wooden banister that led up to two bedrooms. 

Luke led her into the living room.  An ornately engraved fireplace, high ceilings and wooden floorboards made up the period features of the space which were coupled with modern touches that included a dark leather sofa, a dark green island and kitchen cabinetry and a large bookshelf containing a mixture of DVDs and books.

The first thing she noticed was that the usually bright room was dimly lit because the only source was lighting was candles.  So many candles.  Candles everywhere.  On the kitchen island. Along the bookshelves. On the mantlepiece.  The light bounced off the crystals on her dress making her literally shimmer. 

She felt silly at how oddly emotional the sight made her feel. 

“You’re glowing.” Luke whispered in her ear from behind her, as if reading her mind.  She felt his arms wrap around her from behind, felt his chest press up against her back as he placed a kiss on her neck.

“This is… this took you some time, huh?” She managed to croak out.

He laughed in response. “You have no idea.”

“And the fire hazard alone…” Nicola joined in with his laughter. “This is enough to give your landlord a stroke.”

Luke’s hands started to move carefully across the bodice of her dress, and she started to help him. Together, they identified the zip, and she let Luke tug at it so that the dress started to slide down her spine.  She started to extricate herself from the tight-fitting arms of the dress, until she was stood there in just a nude thong and bra with the fabric at her feet.  Luke gave her a hand as she stepped out of the gown and then dutifully bent down and to lift it up carefully by the sleeves.  He held it up before them, unblemished and without a single piece of embellishment missing.

“She’s perfect.” Nicola remarked. “Nicely done, sir.”

“Nearly three years of watching you get in and out of impossible gowns pays off.” Luke shrugged.

He took great pains to gingerly lay the dress across the length of the sofa.  For not the first time, Nicola felt a warm feeling travel through her.  The way he cared about the things she cared about was everything to her.  It was so unbelievably sexy that she had to have him, right there and then.  She grabbed him by the neck of his shirt and pulled him in for a kiss and he responded eagerly.  Before she could process what was happening, she was hoisted up, her legs wrapped around his waist, his hands groping at her waist and naked buttocks as he carried her back through the hallway and into the bathroom.  She gave little thought to the change of location.  It was hard to care about anything when your entire body felt like it was on fire.  She found her back pushed against the wall of the bathroom as they continued to kiss, but she wanted more.  She pulled her face away from him as she tugged his t-shirt up over his torso and his head, but it was slightly stuck around his neck.  He tried to assist despite his face being covered by the shirt, his arms flailing hilariously to get it over his head. 

She took in his body, his glistening abs, his biceps which bulged as they supported her weight; she found herself tracing kisses along his shoulder and up his neck as he let out a moan, finally freed from the shirt.  She felt the hardness between his legs, she tightened the grip of her legs around his waist, pulled her own soft wetness against his member and felt the hot frustration build in her at the barrier of fabric between them.  She wanted him in her.

Those sweatpants needed to come off.

She found herself tugging at them when Luke gently pulled back.

It was only then that she took in the room around them.  The bathroom was spacious and lined with wooden floorboards.  A glass walled rain shower stood to one side and a claw-footed bathtub to the other.  The entire room was also decorated with lit candles.  The bathtub was filled with foamy bubbles and rose petals.  A small side table stood by the tub with a bottle of champagne, a box of chocolates and two crystal flutes.  A bouquet of roses lay to one side.

“Wow…” Nicola gasped for the second time that night.

“I know how much you like a nice bath and some bubbles, and I thought you’d need it more tonight than anything.” He smiled.

“Oh, Luke, this is…” She found herself blinking back tears.

How was she ever going to top a day as good as this one?

She started to slip out of her thong and bra, her sudden nakedness feeling more apparent to her as she padded her way across the room to the bathtub.  She felt his eyes on her, his expression was one of someone spellbound. 

“I can’t be the only naked one.” She teased as she started to slide into the water.

He grinned back at her and in one sweeping movement, he pulled down his bottoms and boxers so that he was fully exposed to her.

“That’s a move right out of Magic Mike.” She managed to joke as most of the breath left her body.

The sight of him like that was almost too unbearable.  She really wanted him.

There were parts she had seen before of course.  You don’t film sexually explicit scenes like the ones they had and not see something.  Yet, there were definitely parts she had never seen before.  His erect penis being one of them.

How could someone be so perfectly sculpted?  She thought.

“Get over here.” She managed to say, her tone demanding.  Her desperation seemed to please him, he smirked in a self-satisfied way but obliged, and walked towards her, and then crouched beside her as she lay in the tub.

“What are you doing?” She frowned, impatience affecting her. “I want you. Get in.”

“I want to take care of you first…” He responded. “We need to get that make-up off you.”

He was right.  She was covered in body make-up and glitter.  Some of it was bleeding into the bubbles and petals, turning the water slightly amber.

“You’re pretty dirty…” He continued.  His hand reached into the water and was between her legs before she could respond.

Jesus fucking Christ, she had never been this horny in her life.

He used the firmness of his fingers against her, pressing and rubbing at alternating intensities that were somehow just right.  She closed her eyes tight and let out one moan and then many moans as pleasure took over every part of her body.   

“But you’re dirty in all the right ways…” He sounded breathless as he spoke, as his hand worked on her.  She could feel him vibrating with desire as he watched her writhe before him.

She began pushing herself into him, her hands gripping the bottom of the tub as she forced her pelvis against him.  Her back arched and she felt her breasts leave the warmth of the soapy water as they were thrust into the air, and then she felt the wetness of his mouth on her nipple, his tongue working on it as hard as his fingers were down there.

“Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck…!” She found herself practically screaming as she came.  Electric jolts travelled through her body.  She convulsed as the sensitivity in every nerve in her body increased.

“Fuck…..!” She sighed, her head against the porcelain of the tub, a bead of sweat travelling down her forehead. 

Before she had time to really catch her breath, Luke was pulling her up so that they were both stood, naked, pressed against one another as they entered a passionate kiss.

“Bedroom, please.” She managed to beg.

She wanted him inside her so badly.

He pulled her up, slippery and naked, so that her legs were around him again.  They continued to lock lips as he carried her out of the bathroom. 

They made it as far as the stairs.

Nicola learnt something that day: a wooden banister provides great support for certain physical activities.

(Excerpt taken from my fanfiction 'Curtain Fall')

Chapter 34: 27th June 2023 – London (UK)

“Are you sure you don’t want to come up?” Nicola enquired.

Charithra looked thoughtful for a moment as she reconsidered the offer.  It was a moment that seemed to stretch on forever.  Nicola was already silently rebuking herself for being so insistent.

What if she accepted?

What if she wanted to come up?

Nicola’s eyes briefly met Luke’s; she could tell he was also having the same thoughts whilst trying to retain an air of nonchalance about himself.  Neither of them wanted to give Charithra the impression that they were waiting for her to leave – even though they were.

“Nah, I really should make my way back.” Charithra finally concluded.

“Are you really sure?” Nicola found the words leaving her mouth before she had even formed them in her mouth. “We’re having such a nice night celebrating Luke, don’t end it here!”

What the fuck is wrong with me?  She thought to herself.  Luke’s face told her that he was asking himself the same question.   She was nervous and she was trying to appear uninterested in having any alone time with Luke but perhaps she was protesting too much.  The situation was tricky.  All she wanted was to finally have Luke all to herself, but she could not let anyone else know.  They had both agreed to be discreet about things until they both felt confident in what their status was.  She felt particularly strongly about this.  They had not been able to talk face-to-face about their feelings and it is important to her that this happened before they even considered revealing any of this to the rest of the world.

“Aw, I know!” Charithra let out a sigh. “I’m sorry, Luke.  We’ll have to do another celebration with more of the crew and at that one – I promise I’ll be the last to leave.”

“No way, this was great!” Luke responded reassuringly and reached out to envelope Charithra in a hug. “Thanks so much for coming down and being a friendly face in the crowd.”

“You were amazing.” Charithra expressed to him. “Truly, made for the stage.”

“That American accent…” Nicola smiled, seeing him start to blush. “Agree, made for the stage.”

She meant every word she said.  She and Charithra had sat side-by-side, fully enraptured by his performance.  There was something exciting about seeing someone transform into a character, especially if it was someone you knew so well.  Nicola could really appreciate how well Luke disappeared into the character he was playing.  There was no denying that he was talented but there was something more that she picked up on too.  There was a way he was carrying himself that felt unbelievably sexy to her.  She wondered if he had always been that sexy and she had just been ignorant, or if something had shifted inside her.  She sensed it was that she was now not holding back on her feelings, she was finally letting herself really see him without any holds barred.  The gloves had well and truly come off and she never wanted to put them on again. 

“Well, if the reviews are half as kind as you two…” Luke replied with a laugh.

“Alright guys, I’ll see you.”  Charithra extended an embrace to Nicola before walking away from them.

They were left standing at the entrance of the modern tower block that was her apartment building.  The bright lights from the lobby and the streetlights worked together to cast some illumination over them.  Luke wore a white snapback with a teal V-neck sweater that exposed tufts of dark chest hair.  He looked so effortlessly gorgeous that it made her ache inside.  She wondered if he had agonized over his outfit choice as much as she had about her own.  She had changed at least four times.  In the end, she had opted for a form-fitting black dress that provided ample view of her cleavage.  It was a dress that made her feel confident and sexy but now, as she stood next to him, she realised that he made her feel that way no matter what she wore.

There was an unspoken understanding between them as they silently walked into the building, made their way past the concierge desk and straight into an empty elevator.  This was their moment.  Finally.  The thing that they had been vying for. 

As the elevator doors closed, Nicola thought about how close she had come to sabotaging their chance to be alone.  They could be stood in that elevator with Charithra.  He moved until he was so close to her that she had to crane her head back to meet his eyes.  There was a mischievous sparkle in them.

“You were working pretty hard there to make sure we didn’t end up alone.” He teased, placing his hands on her shoulders and bending down so that his mouth was closer to hers.

“Us alone? I couldn’t think of anything worse.” She smirked, moving her lips closer to his.

Electricity tingled through her entire being as his grip tightened on her.  Her heart raced making her chest visibly heave in a way that she could only imagine did things to him. 

They met in a kiss that was soft at first, their lips just grazing one another in a manner that was tentative but then they pulled closer together, and with more of a hunger until their mouths were smashing against each other’s in a way that was frenzied and passionate. 

She realised that even though they had kissed many times before, this was their first real kiss.  This was the first time their mouths explored one another’s without any hesitancy.  This was the first time his hands ran up and down her body without restraint. 

It was only the ding from the elevator signalling their arrival at her floor that broke them from the spell that was each other.  They had not seen each other in months and yet here they were, making out like it was something they did all the time.  The chemistry between them came so easily that it was almost unnerving to Nicola.

As they walked along the plush carpeted hallway and towards her front door, Nicola turned over her shoulder and shot him an apologetic look.

“Now, I just have to let you know – and I am very sad to let you know this, because I know you’ll probably feel really weird about it…” She spoke, turning her key in the lock with a click. “But there is no chorus of teddy bears perfectly arranged in a semi-circle, waiting to welcome you into my home.  I really hope that’s not a dealbreaker.”

He rolled his eyes at her as she waltzed into her apartment and placed her handbag onto the kitchen island, giggling at her own joke.  She felt him wrap his hand around her wrist and gently tug at her so that she twirled back around to face him.

“Again - do you want to end this night alone?” He asked jokingly. “Because I’ll leave right now.”

A response had been formulating in her mind.  Something witty and cutting.  Yet, it disappeared as they began to kiss again.  She felt the heat of desire in her body.  He ran his hands over her waist and her bottom, provoking a wild need inside her to be even closer to him, to have his hands on her naked flesh. 

After a moment, he pulled back slightly, allowing them both the opportunity to catch their breaths.

“You have no idea how badly I’ve wanted to be alone with you.” He whispered to her.

“I do.” She laughed. “It’s probably about a tenth of how badly I’ve wanted it.”

“I missed you so much.” He ran a hand over her hair and placed it at the back of her head, pulling her face closer to his again.  This time he placed a kiss on her forehead.  It was surprising but tender.  She felt what she could only describe as butterflies in her stomach.

From a forehead kiss!  She thought to herself.  God, I’ve got it bad for him.

“This… isn’t as weird as I thought it might be.”  She admitted.

“Were you worried it might be?” He queried.

She thought about it for a second.

They had confessed their feelings to each other over the phone.  The start of their relationship had then happened virtually and at a distance.  Yes, she had had some fears about what seeing each other in the flesh might be like.  She had thought about whether they might see each other and feel awkward, realizing their feelings had been some kind of confusion caused by their acting roles.  She need not have worried.  Seeing him and being with him felt right, like something slotting into place.

“Tiny bit.” She finally replied. “You?”

“I didn’t worry.  I’ve never been so sure of anyone in my life.” He spoke with a conviction in his voice that she had never heard before.   

“I can’t believe you doubted us.” He continued, the teasing tone returning to his voice. “Trust you to be the weak link here, Coughlin.”

This made her laugh, and she gave him a playful shove away from her.

“Yeah, OK, occasionally I get in my head.” She shrugged, moving towards her fridge. “Sue me, I’m human.”

“I love your humanness.” He concluded with a smile.

He was seeing something in her that she was usually careful to disguise with people: her vulnerability.  He was not only bearing witness to it but almost encouraging it.  Something about this exchange gave her a sense of relief.  He accepted her.

“Alright, I’ve got… a salad, half a slice of cheesecake and a bottle of white.”  She stated, peering into her fridge.  

“Salad, cheesecake and wine? That was going to be your dinner tonight?” He raised an eyebrow at her.

“Probably just the cheesecake and wine.” She smirked.

“There’s no way that’s going to be your dinner. You can’t sustain yourself on that, Nic.”

He moved to her cupboards, opening each one to discover: stacks of plates and glasses in one, a half-eaten box of Coco Pops in another and in the final one: an unopened bag of flour, a bag of sugar, and a can of Nespresso instant coffee.  She watched him with some amusement as he became more and more aghast as the contents of each cupboard were revealed.

“Please don’t tell me you live like this.” He stated.  She laughed in response, grabbing the cheesecake and wine from the fridge and carrying it over to the island.

“Let me introduce you to the wonderful world of… girl dinner.” She took him by the hand and gently steered him so that he was stood by her aside in front of the items.

“This is the world of malnutrition.”  He scoffed, making her laugh even harder. “Good food is everything.  This is not good food.”

Before she could mock him further, he was the one steering them towards the door again.

“What are we doing?” She asked.

“We walked past a Tesco Express around the corner that’s still open.” He responded. “I’m making you dinner.  You’re going to love eating something real as much as me.”

“No way I’m letting you cook for me after you’ve worked a twelve-hour day.” Nicola insisted, pulling the hand she was holding towards her. “We’ll order in.  There’s a Domino’s open somewhere.”

“Alright, now you’re just saying things to wind me up.” Luke fixed her with a look. “You’re not going to a long day at work on pizza and wine.  You deserve better.”

“Hey – are you blind or did you miss the Coco Pops?” She remarked. “I believe that’s part of a balance and nutritious breakfast, unless that money is telling lies.”

“You know Coco Pops have an expiry date, right?” He shot back.

“I… I knew that.” She lied.

“You’re going to eat those Coco Pops tomorrow?” He probed. “That box hasn’t been sitting open in your drawers for months?”

“Yes, I’ll eat them…” She continued the lie, but she could tell he was seeing right through her.

She watched him bite his bottom lip thoughtfully as he deliberated whether to continue challenging her or not. 

“Alright, how about this… you not getting scurvy is my love language.” He joked. “Let me live my love language?”

She considered this for a moment.

“Well, I guess I can live with that.” She responded. “But only if you need to do this for yourself.”

“I need to do this for myself so badly, I might die if I don’t.” He said with mock-seriousness.

“Well, it’s pretty selfish of you but I’ll go along with it.” She pretended to huff.

He gave her a wide grin and pulled her in for another kiss. 

There was something affirming about the whole exchange for her.  Here they were, discussing something as mundane as dinner and yet, he managed to do it in a way that made her feel loved and cared for.  She realised it had been a really long time since someone had shown her care like this. 

“Right, what are you craving?” He asked. “I’m thinking carbs and protein.  Spag bol?”

“Sauvignon blanc?” She returned.

“Alright, so you get no opinion.” He remarked.

(Excerpt taken from my fanfiction 'Curtain Fall')

Chapter 31: 9th May 2023– London (UK)

Luke stood somewhat anxiously before a tall building with distressed brickwork and took a deep breath as he thought about what had led him to that moment.

It had started with a text from Nicola.

No – in actuality, it had been several texts.

Granted, they had come through in a stilted way, often with a gap of several days between them but nonetheless, he received them with gratefulness.  His gratitude to those messages had come easily; they were the only things keeping him grounded during a time when his life felt adrift.  The last couple of months had been tough on him.  He had finished his Bridgerton reshoots and then spent several weeks auditioning tirelessly for West End productions without any success.  Eventually he had to admit that it made little financial sense to live in an exorbitantly priced London flat when he quite literally had no business being there anymore.   

He had wanted to be the type of man who didn’t complain about his circumstances.  He had wanted to be grateful for the fact that he had excellent parents who had welcomed him back home with open arms.  They refused to accept any rent, they helped him continue to rehearse for potential roles and at times, they even drove him back up to the city for the occasional audition. 

It would take a special kind of bastard to be angry at this situation, he had thought to himself.

Regardless, it was not easy returning to a small seaside town known more for fish and chips and retirement homes than its opportunities for the young.  It was even harder when the distractions London had offered him, such as drinking sessions with Rory, had become unavailable.  At the same time, he and Nicola had continued to struggle to make time to speak to each other, let alone see one another.  A part of him had started to feel like he had messed something up, that a moment had escaped him that he could never get back with her.  It was a feeling that had been torturing him.   In the solitude of his childhood bedroom, he had not been able ignore his own self-pity and heartbreak. 

Ultimately, all this angst had embarrassed him because he didn’t feel like he had a right to it.  He had chosen to end his relationship with Jade because he had fallen out of love with her.  He had chosen not to be honest with Nicola about his feelings for her because the timing was not right.  He had decided to move back home.  These were choices dealt by his own hand. 

You did this to yourself, he had thought.

Eventually, his thoughts evolved from melancholy, to angry, to determined.  He decided that he needed to something.  To do anything.  Anything that would allow him to get some control of his life back again. To remind himself he was not a hopeless passenger of fate.  It had started with a gym routine that was an intense as it was obsessive.  It gave him some sense of confidence to see how his body changed; the muscles he had developed and defined for the last season of Bridgerton grew bigger and harder and he felt stronger.  He tried to ignore the fact that the weights he lifted became heavier and his runs became longer on the days he really missed her and particularly when she was hard to reach.  He wanted to deny that correlation for as long as possible.  He could not control how much contact they had, and he had a sense, neither could she.  He tried hard to not follow the publicity surrounding her, realizing it did not feel the gap between them but rather widened it, but it was impossible – she was seemingly everywhere.

That was when one of the texts from her had arrived, following a two-week drought:

Nicola Coughlan: I know you’re not in the ole smoke anymore but if you wanted an excuse to be… Big Mood wrap party on 09/05!  We’ve got a whole bowling alley with a DJ to ourselves. 

Luke Newton: Wahey!  Well done!  I’ll bring my shoes!

Nicola Coughlan: Luke Newton, you do not OWN a pair of bowling shoes. Tell me that’s a lie.

Luke Newton: Customised with my initials on the soles and everything.

Nicola Coughlan: Stop it.

Luke Newton: Matching jacket too.

Luke Newton: It’s velour.

Nicola Coughlan: If you show up in anything BUT, I’m gonna be disappointed.

Nicola Coughlan: Expectations have been raised.

Luke Newton: Deal.

Nicola Coughlan: Here’s the invite!

Luke Newton: Consider me RSVP’ed!

Initially, he had not wanted to recognise how absurdly happy the exchange had made him.  A man in control of himself and his fate did not react with delirious excitement to an invite.  He had told himself that he cared for her, but he was not dependent on her.   Yet, his happiness had been evident to all, even his parents: he had skipped the gym three days in a row and consumed ice cream for the first time in weeks.  Happy Luke liked to eat. 

The pendulum swung just as quickly in the other direction with the arrival of her next batch of text messages.

Nicola Coughlan: I’m a shit.

Nicola Coughlan: I’m a complete shit.

Luke Newton: Is this a declaration that needs my input?

Nicola Coughlan: I’m so sorry, Luke.

Nicola Coughlan: I completely ballsed up.

Luke Newton: Damn!  Who did you kill?

Nicola Coughlan:  The wrap party is crew and cast only. Don’t know if you googled the venue but it’s tiny. Cam was happy to make an exception for you, but I feel like a right arse having a plus one when no one else does.

Nicola Coughlan: Got a bit too used to those epic Netflix parties, forgot we’re on a pittance of a budget here.

Nicola Coughlan: Again, I’m a complete shit.

Luke Newton: Don’t be silly!

Luke Newton: Makes complete sense, pal.

Luke Newton: No tickets were booked yet, don’t worry.

Nicola Coughlan: If it means anything, I wanted you to be my plus-one.

Luke Newton: It means a lot.

Luke Newton: I bet Grainne was mad.

Nicola Coughlan: Fuming.

Nicola Coughlan: Face the reddest it’s ever been.

Luke Newton: I’m gonna need an exact shade for visual reference.

Nicola Coughlan: Whatever’s after tomato.

Luke Newton: Wow, now I do feel flattered.

Nicola Coughlan: lol

Nicola Coughlan: I really feel like a shit

Luke Newton: Don’t

Nicola Coughlan: I miss you a lot.  I really want to speak to you. Like really speak to you with your face in front of me in person.

Luke Newton: I’ve been having that feeling too.

Nicola Coughlan: Will message you my availability.

Luke Newton: -thumbs up emoji-

Luke Newton: I’m proud of you. Have a great wrap.

He had absorbed the exchange with a flurry of emotions: frustration, sadness, amusement and hope. 

She had wanted him to attend the wrap party and no one else.  That meant something.

She wanted to see him in person, just like he was dying to see her in person.  That had to mean something.

She must be feeling it too.

It had been months since they had seen each other, and she was still thinking of him and wanting him.  His newfound desire to be a master of his own fate kicked in as a plan formed in his mind.  A plan that led him to where he was stood at that very moment.  The building before him was Strike Wandsworth, a retro bowling alley.  Tonight, bright strobe lights were visible through the large Victorian windows and the throbbing sounds of music and dancing could be heard from inside. 

He was dressed in a sharp dark blazer with a white shirt on underneath, and dark trousers.  In his hands, he held a large bouquet of red roses, and a rectangular-shaped gift box.  It was nearly eleven o’clock at night.  He could see his own breath in the cold night’s air.

He felt less sure of himself now that he was here, face-to-face with the reality of what he was planning to do.

He had pictured it in his mind for several weeks leading up to the day.  He had tingled all over with excitement at the thought of arriving at this moment.  Now, he felt marginally sick.

He had decided he would not attend the wrap party itself; he would respect the professional boundaries she wanted in place for that night.  Instead, he decided he would meet her at the end of the party as a surprise, he would give her her wrap gifts in person and invite her on a moonlit walk to another surprise.  He would take them back to his hotel and the surprise would harken back to one of their favourite pass-times during filming: a midnight picnic and Netflix.  He had already spent the early evening checking into the room, paying extra for it to be upgraded to something with more ambience, then going out to buy a picnic basket, a picnic blanket and all their favourite snack foods.  There, in comfort and with privacy, he would tell her everything. 

He hoped the moment would feel thoughtful and romantic and not pushy or creepy.  He had experienced more than a few nightmares where her face contorted into a horrified expression, and she ran away from him like he was Frankenstein’s monster.  Yet, the overpowering sense that there was something there between them never left him.  He pictured the alternative, more positive scenario.  The two of them curled up together on the deep and plush carpet of his suite, taking bites of cheesecake and giggling, and then the moment becoming solemn and tense as he confessed everything, a look of surprise on her face that then gives way to pure joy as she grabs him by the collar and pushes her lips to his in response.

He had to admit that was why he had worn the collared shirt.

Just then, a text message notification flashed on his screen.  It was from Lydia.  His secret accomplice. He had confided his plan to her, and she had been fully supportive, and agreed to notify him when Nicola was leaving the building.

Lydia West: The Eagle is on the move.

Luke Newton: We don’t need to speak in code.

Lydia West: Don’t ruin my fun.

Luke Newton: Thanks, Lyd.

Lydia West: Have a good night, lover boy ;)

With those words of encouragement, he took a deep sigh and headed into the semi-lit entrance.  He heard the clacking of heels and his heart raced. 

Fortune favours the brave.  He told himself.

He tried to picture the happy yet potentially delusional images of how well his attempt at a grand romantic gesture would play out.

Luke Newton on 3rd Oct:

Me: *I guess we're writing through the night!*

Thank you for the much needed inspiration, Luke. The delusion was almost wearing off but you keep us fed, sir!

You just KNOW I have to write a chapter where Luke makes this meme himself on Canva. Speaking Nicola's love language much?

Lukola fanfic excerpt: Luke and Nicola have feelings for one another but have not confessed them to each other. They are filming the one-take wedding dance scene. It goes as well as you can imagine.

(Excerpt taken from my fanfiction 'Curtain Fall')

28th November 2022 – Surrey (UK)

The Gallery was an ornately decorated room, with adornments of brightly-coloured flowers, sumptuous tapestries and antique furniture.  Large windows framed by draperies of velvet and silk lined the space, allowing natural light to filter through.   

Nicola considered how this majestic room would very shortly be filled with people and noise.  There would be the crew and then there would be the cast mates and extras, all in their various regalia.  This would be the last time this season that they would all be together in a scene.  Although some of the cast would still be returning to film additional scenes, today would mark her last filming day with everyone – including Luke.  If that was not enough to create an enormous feeling of occasion; it was also the day they would be filming Penelope and Colin’s wedding dance.  If she let herself linger on these thoughts for too long, she found her throat becoming dry and her heart start to race.  She could not let her mind overcome the muscle memory she was planning to rely on – not today.

She tried to orient herself to something that would distract her.  She gazed at the mirror on the wall in front of her and at the scene it showed was happening behind her: two crew members fiddled with lighting as Tom, their director, presided over them with his usual commanding yet father-like presence.  There was something about the familiarity of the scene that felt comforting.

Then her eyes shifted to her own reflection.  Whilst it was true that she had been in front of mirrors since five o’clock that morning, she had not truly looked at herself.  She had been going through the sleep-deprived motions:  taking sharp intakes of breath as the wardrobe team fitted her into her corsetry, yawning her way through the make-up teams’ application of thick, glamourous make-up on her face, neck, cleavage and even arms.  Sure, she had been slightly more alert when she was allowed to cautiously sip a strong black coffee with her usual seven sugars as her hair was expertly styled but even then, she had not really woken up.  Now, in the bright light of day and with the adrenaline coursing through her; she finally realised why everyone had been getting emotional at the sight of her.  She understood what all the fuss was about.

She stood resplendent in a blush satin gown that gracefully fell to the floor around her.  Her silhouette was perfectly accentuated by an empire waist; the neckline was tastefully rounded and short, slightly puffed sleeves added a little of Penelope’s individual flair to the look.  Her hair was a more striking shade of auburn than usual and styled with jeweled hairpins into a soft, intricate up-do with curls gently framing her face.  Her makeup was a lot softer and more natural in appearance than it felt on her face; rosy cheeks, a hint of pink on her lips and subtle but dark eye make-up enhanced her large eyes.

Even she had to admit that she looked beautiful. 

“Woah.”

Luke’s voice came from off to the side.

He walked in through the grand entrance: tall, dark and handsome.  He wore the traditional formalwear of the Regency era; a black, finely tailored frock coat that highlighted his athletic build with an ivory waistcoat underneath.  An expertly tied navy-coloured cravat and silver brooch finished off his look. 

She felt her breath catch.

He was immaculate.

He looked at her with awe written across his face.  It took her a minute to realise he was likely as mesmerised by her as she was by him.

“Hello to you too.” She managed to respond, forcing a smile that should be coming naturally.

It was not that she was not happy to see him.  It was that she was too happy to see him.  All she wanted to do was leap up, wrap her arms around him, run her hands through his beautifully combed hair and kiss him.  The urge was so strong that it took her aback.  She would need to scale her emotions back around him; she would need to be the best actress she had ever been to achieve this.  The one small mercy that she had was that once the cameras rolled, she could ease up on herself.  She could let herself look at him with the mixture of fascination and obsession she wanted to because it would not be her looking.  It would be Penelope.

His eyes scanned over her, she thought that there was an element in them that conveyed restlessness and some sense of dissatisfaction.

Was she reading too much into things?

She had been plagued with thoughts of what if. 

What if he felt what she felt?

No, she could not read too much into his emotions.  She tried to remind herself that this day was bringing an emotional side out in everyone.  It would be strange if he was his usual laidback self.  In fact, it made more sense that he seemed somewhat disturbed.  They were all disturbed.  The scenes they were filming were high stakes, carrying with them the weight of the most important love story from that season.

“You look…” He started but seemed to interrupt himself. “I mean – are you – are we OK?”

“Yes, of course.” She was quick and somewhat defensive in her reply. “I’ve just been insanely busy as things are winding down.”

This was a lie.

Over the last few weeks, Luke had been contacting her nearly every day with an assortment of memes, random musings and direct requests to meet up for private rehearsal of their final scenes.  She had responded evasively, if at all.  She had felt awful doing it.  Yet, the alternative was to spend time with him alone – something she did not trust herself with.  In truth, these were not intimacy scenes that she or he would be highly anxious about and need private or even additional rehearsals for.  She knew that he was asking so that they could just spend time together, but this no longer felt appropriate for her.  He wanted a friend to banter with, she wanted to do things to him she could not say without blushing.  They were in different places.

“I really wanted to celebrate your last day in our traditional style – with some kind of feast in one of our trailers.” He smiled, a sparkle of excitement in his eyes. “You pick.”

She reminded herself of her sister’s sage advice: keep your distance and keep your knickers on. 

“I’m really sorry, I’m heading off set and straight to a Barbie shoot.” This was at least not a lie.

“Oh, wow, I forgot that was coming up. That’s amazing, Nic.” He continued smiling, a hopeful tone to his voice. “I’ll be wrapped and back in the city on Saturday – maybe we feast then?”

She felt her heart sink. 

Why was he so sweet?

Why did this feel like killing a puppy?

“I’m sorry Luke…” She apologized again. “We’re doing Christmas abroad this year and leaving in under two weeks. I just haven’t got the time.  We can catch up when I’m back in the New Year?”

He seemed unconvinced by her answer, concern spreading across his face.

Before their conversation could continue, Tom was standing over them with Jack, their lead choreographer, right behind him.

“You guys look amazing.” Tom complimented them, scratching at his head.

“So, are we ready?” Jack asked, rubbing his hands together with excitement.

Nicola surveyed the expansive yet mostly empty room around them.  She spotted their cinematographer and a handful of the crew by the cameras, watchful and waiting.

“Is everyone else late?” She found herself asking out loud.

Jack and Tom exchanged knowing looks.  Luke stared at them and then at her, matching her confusion.

“No, no one is late – you guys are just a little early.” Tom explained, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. “I wanted time for us to get Penelope and Colin doing their first dance here, just the two of them stealing a moment alone together.”  Tom gestured to the room around them, a wide grin on his face.

“And Jack’s here a little bit early too just to offer some choreographic wisdom but really, I was hoping you guys could just let go a little, be a little spontaneous in movement…” Tom continued.

“I would say, do the steps but without overthinking the manners and formality.” Jack added.

Nicola digested this.  The one area of safety she had been clinging onto was to switch her mind and emotions off, and to surrender into the role of Penelope with the carefully planned out steps and words that she was scripted to do.  Now, she was having to contend with having to act from a place of improvisation.  Improvisation that had previously led her to completely lose control of herself with him.  The mental gymnastics of it all made her brain hurt. 

“Sounds good to me.” Luke responded in a nonchalant tone that seemed inauthentic to her.

“Do you guys want to go through a quick sequence…?” Jack queried, but Tom was quick to wave off his suggestion.

“No, let’s just go right now with whatever you guys have in the bag – I want to get as many spontaneous takes as possible.”

“Yay, spontaneity.” Nicola weakly enthused, eliciting a nervous chuckle from Luke.

“Right, we’ll go from your mark here.”  Jack guided them to their spot in front of the cameras before shuffling back to stand behind one of the monitors.

Nicola felt her heartrate increase again.

They stood face-to-face, the gap between them was just a few inches.  She felt as if her whole body was vibrating.  There was something about being in a wedding dress, in front of him in a tux, in this grand and historic room that caused a swell of emotion to overcome her.

Jesus Christ, get it together.  She tried to tell herself.

“Let loose a little bit.  There’s no audience.  It’s just Colin and Penelope.” Tom directed, standing behind the camera. “It’s the day they’ve overcome obstacle after obstacle to get to.  This is where they finally get to just be themselves, no pomp and circumstance.”

Luke nodded in acknowledgement, and Nicola followed, bobbing her head at Tom.

“Alright – action!”

Immediately, her eyes were locked onto his.   That was all it took for her to decide to just surrender.  No more defenses.  She knew she was gazing at him adoringly, wistfully, hungrily… her chest heaved with the deep breaths she took as she fell into the familiar configuration of steps that they had repeated hundreds of times.

They moved in perfect synchronicity like they had a so many times before in their rehearsals but this time, it felt different.  This time, she was Penelope without her guardrails.  She was Penelope alone with the man she had ached for for most of her life.  She was Nicola.  She was Nicola not having to restrain herself from not only touching him but holding onto him with a grip so tight that it was telling on her.

The world and people around them seemed to disappear as they danced around one another; drawing closer, touching, then breaking apart again, gently pulling further back before once again, being lured towards one another.  Pulling and pushing like two gravitational forces that could not quite work out if they attracted or repelled.

She could not take her eyes away from his.  There was a look in them that was intense and longing.   

This is our goodbye. She thought to herself, her heart silently breaking.

The surge of emotion was so great, she felt tears sting angrily at her eyes.  There were so many reasons why she could not cry right now.  She saw that his own eyes were glassy with the threat of tears too.  Instinctively, they pushed against each other, holding one another tightly, and she felt his hand gently caress the side of her face, making electricity shoot through her body as their lips drew closer and closer.

It was all she could do to hold her position there, millimeters from kissing him.

There was a pause that felt like it went on forever before Tom’s voice sliced through the silence, yelling cut.

Immediately, Nicola moved her face away from Luke’s hand, letting go of him, and turned to face the crew.

The looks on their faces were on par with the looks she had received when she had first stepped out in full costume that morning: pure astonishment.

“That… that was the fucking take, pardon my French.” Tom laughed, bewildered. “Jesus, I don’t know what you guys channelled there but that was it.”

“Just… sublime.” Jack echoed, shaking his head in disbelief. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, you’d have been flayed alive for some of those steps at a real Regency era ball but for what this is meant to convey… just, wow.”

Nicola found herself chuckling, grateful for the hint of comic relief.  She was almost too scared to look to her side, to catch Luke’s eyes.  The whole thing made her ache.  She was still working hard to keep the tears back.

“Get over here, you need to see yourselves because I don’t think you realise what you’ve just pulled off.” Tom enthused, ushering them over so that they were stood behind one of the monitors.

Their scene started to play out in front of them.  Nicola saw a couple moving together in beautiful harmony, clearly infatuated with one another.

“I only wanted you guys to get into character before the wedding dance with everyone, but I think we need to get Jess’s eyeballs on this, see if we can put it in somewhere.” Tom lauded, watching with them. “Really, well done, you guys.”

“Wow, that’s amazing.” Luke spoke, his eyes on the screen, but his voice sounded strange.

“A one-take wonder!” Tom laughed. “Might be worth saving a clip of this in case this just ends up on the cutting room floor.”

Nicola thought about whether she would want a copy of something so real and raw, or whether this would be better off relegated to obscurity. 

What would hurt her less?

Lukola fanfic scenario, Luke POV: Luke and Nicola are in the middle of filming Season 3, and Luke has just realised he is infatuated with Nicola. Only problem is he's in a relationship and so is she. During a short break from filming, he catches up with his parents, who have some sage bits of advice for him...

(Excerpt taken from my fanfiction 'Curtain Fall')

31st October 2022 – Salisbury (UK)

“Oh my God, it’s Colin from Bridgerton.” He heard their hissing whispers before he saw them.

Two young women stood at the entrance of The Bell and Crown pub, trying desperately to appear nonchalant.  They were wrapped up warmly in thick coats with hats and gloves and holding an array of shopping bags.

In a situation like this one, he had decided he would follow suit and pretend he did not notice them noticing.  He sensed this might be hard to achieve as they were partially blocking his way into the pub, but he did his best to try to manouevre past them with his head down.  The brunettes’ eyes widened at the realization that their paths were about to cross.  Luke watched as she nervously took a few steps back from him, the back of her legs hitting the giant ornamental pumpkin that was placed on the ground behind her.  She had barely let out a squeal as she started to tip backwards before he reached out and grabbed her by the arm, steadying her.

“Woah, careful.” He gave her what he hoped would be his most reassuring smile. 

Regardless, the colour drained from her face.

“Oh m-m-my God, I-I’m so sorry.” She sputtered.  She looked like she was going to be sick.

“We’re really big fans!” Her friend in the mustard-coloured coat behind her suddenly burst out, her eyes widened with excitement.

He was not sure how to receive their two very different energies.

“Thank you.” He replied, again hoping that he came across kind.

“So, you guys are filming up at Wilton House, right?” Mustard coat continued.  “We love it up there, it’s so gorgeous.  Are you guys there for the rest of the week? Oh, wait, you probably can’t say! Or wait, can you say? You probably can’t say what you’re filming though.”

“Yeah, we are. I’m sorry, I’m going in for some lunch.” He gestured to the inside of the pub.

“Oh! God! Look at me going on and on. Of course, of course.” Mustard coat shuffled away, pulling her friend away with her.

He knew the whirlwind of emotions that you could experience when you encountered someone famous, he had been the fan many, many times in his life.  He hoped he had never been the embarrassing fan though.  He had also been recognised before, but this was the first time in his life that he had found himself being recognised this often. 

In fact, just a few weeks ago, he and Jade had been drinking in a London bar when a group of girls had realised who he was and had encircled them.  The situation had turned incredibly awkward when they started talking about how hot he was and then one of the girls tried to give him her number.  It did not help matters that the girls were a group of European models celebrating their last night of work in the city.  He had watched Jade’s face go from mildly annoyed by the inconvenience to viscerally angry.  They had ended up cutting their night short and heading home; Jade had remained stoically silent the entire way.  It had worried him.  He knew she did not blame him for the reactions he was getting but he wondered how much she would be able to tolerate.  How much could any woman’s self-esteem tolerate seeing other women throw themselves at their partner?  He had reminded Jade that it had been public knowledge that he and Nicola were this season’s protagonist and ever since filming had started; fans of the show were constantly awestruck when they saw him or Nicola out anywhere.  The reactions were even bigger when the two of them were spotted out together.  He had hoped it would reassure her somewhat that this was the Bridgerton effect.  He felt a need to remind not just her but also himself that he was not the one changing, it was the situation.  He had not suddenly become hot, whatever that meant.

If things are like this now, what will it be like when the season’s out? He thought.  He could hardly fathom it.

He thought about the ways Nicola had reassured him about what was to come.  In her typical, unflappable way, she had told him it would be hilarious, and they would get through it together.  It was silly advice but because it came from her, he believed it. Those words had been keeping him grounded.  No matter what happened, she would be with him, and they would surely navigate it all together.

Now though, he felt as if that certainty was threatened.  He had been having dreams.  Then out of nowhere, Ezra had shown up.  He could feel deep in his bones that he was agitated about what Ezra’s presence in Nicola’s life meant more than anything else.  He also knew that was wrong.  This should not be occupying so much of his brain.  He was also aware that he was not very good at hiding how wound up he was feeling.  It was becoming apparent in his body language, and sometimes it was slipping through in what he said.  This was why he was so grateful for an afternoon away from everyone and everything, and to be around the two people who always helped him gain a sense of perspective.

He walked through The Bell and Crown, taking in its historical features that included wooden ship beams suspended from the ceiling and stone floors.  The smell of fried food and woodfire hit his nostrils as he spotted them seated at a mahogany table right at the back. 

“Mum, dad!” He greeted them with a small wave as he made his way to them, pulling off his jacket as he did so.

His parents were sat with an assortment of small plates before them and three glasses: one with water, one with wine and the other with beer.  His mother, Sharon, was a petite woman with short blonde hair that was scooped up into a ponytail with a fringe.  His father, Lee, sat opposite her; his sandy brown hair was covered by a dark red beanie hat. 

It was too easy. Luke thought, as he yanked the hat off his father’s head and took a seat next to his mother. 

 “Thank you!” Sharon exclaimed, putting her hands together in a praying gesture. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

Lee looked from Luke to Sharon, and then back at Luke: “Do you want to sit here with a man with hat hair or a man with a hat?”

“It’s ungentlemanly to wear a hat indoors.” Sharon shook her head at her husband. “Just smooth it out.”

“Why aren’t you using that hair gel I got you for your birthday?” Luke added, amused.

There was no escapism like being around your parents and watching them bicker over the smallest things.

“I’m not using any ruddy hair gel!  I’m a fifty-nine-year-old man Luke, not a member of One Direction.” Lee snapped back, making Luke roar with laughter.

“We ordered for you.” Sharon nodded at the food in front of them. “We knew you wouldn’t have long before you would have to head back and service here is woefully slow.”

There was something to really love about the predictability that came with your parents’ habits when they reached a certain age.  He had all but compiled a bingo card in his mind of the things he knew were going to be coming up during this meal.  At the top of the list was his mother picking fault with the service in the pub – never mind that the pub was five-star reviewed.  His mother could make Gordon Ramsay look soft.

“Thanks mum, I do have to get back in about an hour.” He popped a fry into his mouth.

“How are you, my love?  You look a lot more tired than when we last saw you.” Sharon eyed him carefully.

“You do look a little rougher around the edges.” Lee added, some concern in his voice. “How many hours are you doing on set?”

Luke was appreciative of how much his parents cared for him.  Even though Lee was not his biological father, he had always treated Luke like a son – in fact, Luke was sure he was treated better than most sons were by their biological fathers.  Lee had also been in the entertainment industry and had taken great pains to ensure Luke was protected and well supported as he sought to make a career for himself.  Luke was sure that he would not have been half as successful if it had not been for Lee’s wisdom.

“The hours are fine; I’m just not sleeping too well.” Luke replied, surprising himself with his own admission. 

“It’s a lot to be carrying a whole season your back.” Lee said sympathetically.

“Well, how’s Nicola? She will be a good one to help you through.” Sharon advised, taking a sip from the wine glass.  “She’s done it all before with Derry Girls. Although I imagine this will be on an even grander scale…”

He had not wanted to talk about Nicola.  He knew that between Ezra and his dreams, the topic was too loaded for him.  He had wanted to come away for a nice meal with his parents to get a break from those thoughts.  Yet, talking about her and about him seemed irresistible to him. 

He could barely stop the words exploding out of his mouth. “Oh, I don’t think she’s losing sleep. She’s got a distraction right now.”

The words came with a little more emotion than he had intended them to.  His parents knew him too well not to pick up on it. 

“Oh really?” Sharon raised an eyebrow. “How so?”

“She’s got this… guy friend who’s visiting and she’s all over him.” Luke stated, he hoped he sounded less bothered than he was.  He picked up his knife and fork and began to make a start on the giant battered cod that sat on his plate. 

“Guy friend?  Is that what you millennials call boyfriends?” His mother laughed.

“They’re not calling themselves that… yet.” Luke grimaced.

He caught the exchange of looks between his parents out of the corner of his eye.

“So, I take it you don’t like him then?” Lee asked.

Luke realised there was no one around that could judge him for his real opinions on the matter.  He had had to put on a mask on the Bridgerton set but around his parents, he could be honest.  He felt liberated.

“I just don’t get what she sees in him.” He replied. 

“Oooh, that is really tough.” Sharon made a face. “But she isn’t just your friend.  She’s also your scene partner, you can’t upset things at this stage of filming by saying anything too honest.”

“I know.” Luke felt the frustration rise again slightly. “Believe me.  I’m swallowing it.”

“Nicola’s got a good head on her shoulders.  He might not be as bad as you think.” His father shrugged, slicing into his steak and taking a bite. 

Luke shook his head emphatically at this.  “No, this guy is everything we would make fun of.”

“Well, matters of the heart aren’t always a straight line.” Sometimes, Lee doled out predictably vague dad wisdom.

“I don’t think you should be making fun of anyone.  It seems cruel.” Sharon added, wrinkling her nose as she frowned.  Sometimes she said predictably mum things.

Luke pulled out his phone and with a few swipes on the screen, he pulled up an Instagram page and held it up for them both to see.  “This is him.  LOOK at him.  Skinny jeans, v-neck white t-shirt that’s too small for his arms, standing in front of designer luggage with the caption CEO mode.  Am I going mad or is this man not a parody of himself?” 

Sharon threw her head back in laughter. “Oh God, yes, he’s quite something.”

“And Nic – she’s the opposite.” Luke continued.  “She’s down to earth, she’s not flash, she wears designer clothes but it’s tasteful, it’s not like this-”

“I’m sure she is the wonderful, thoughtful friend you know but she’s also a woman.” Sharon interrupted him.  She surveyed the photo on the screen with a smirk. “You know, as a woman, I get the appeal.”

Luke made a disgusted face and looked at Lee for some help in the matter. 

Lee stopped, his fork mid-air, and moved his face closer to the phone screen.  He eventually shrugged. “He's a fine specimen of a man.  Sorry, I’ve got eyes, Luke.”

“Ugh.” Luke groaned, taking his phone off the table.

“But hey, this is good, isn’t it?” His mothers’ eyes twinkle with realisation. “You can knead your concern for your friend into Colin’s concern for Penelope.  They are keeping the love triangle element?”

“You know I can’t say script specifics, mum.” Luke said dismissively.  He could feel the simmering annoyance that had now settled in.  He needed to change the topic.

Just then, Sharon reached forward for a napkin that was in the center of the table and her hand knocked her wine glass, causing it to tip onto the table and onto the sleeve of her cream cardigan. 

“Oh, Jesus!” She leapt up in her chair.  Luke grabbed at the remaining napkins and started to pad the table dry, and Lee started to get to his feet to assist.

“It’s alright Lee, I need to wash this out in the ladies.”  Sharon gestured for him to sit. “Thank God it was only a white wine.” She grabbed her handbag and walked away from the table.

Luke continued to dab at the table, which was now drier but also stickier.

“Word to the wise, focus on the girlfriend you’ve got.”  Lee’s voice interrupted him, making him stop. 

He fathers’ words took him slightly aback. 

Lee took in his reaction and continued: “Look, Nicola’s a very beautiful girl. It’s easily done.”

“I’m not… nothing’s being done.” Luke responded, but his voice cracked as he spoke.  He knew he was lying to himself and Lee by pretending not to know what his words meant. 

“It happens, you know.” Lee spoke calmly. “I saw it all the time. Feelings getting intensified and confused on a shoot like this.  I’m just saying, keep the work as work and don’t neglect your real life.”

Luke felt the weight of what was being said.  As always, Lee was able to read him better then he could read himself.  Yet, the feelings felt too raw to be exposed like this.  He could not rationalise them so he did what his instinct told him to: deny them.

“I’m not.” He repeated, firmer this time. “Nothing’s getting confused.  She’s my friend, I just don’t like the guy.”

“Well, then do a better job of it.” Lee’s voice was equally stern.

“Better job of it?” Luke was confused.

“Of acting like you’re not.” Lee shot back. “You know, acting? The thing you’re good at but seem to be completely unable to do when it comes to this.”

Luke felt himself getting flustered.  He knew he was having a hard time hiding his feelings but was he really being that obvious?  Before he could respond, Sharon had appeared behind him, and she was carrying what looked to be a mountain of paper towels.

“Jesus, did you leave some for the rest of the restaurant?” Lee exclaimed.

“Very funny.” Sharon rolled her eyes. “What are you two looking so serious about?”

“Plotting your Christmas present.” Lee spoke before Luke could.  That was the signal to say that particular conversation was over, and Luke could not feel more grateful.  It was hard enough denying those thoughts and feelings to his father, let alone his mother.

“Oh, I already said I don’t want a big fuss.” Sharon sighed. “Don’t you dare let him make a fuss, Luke.”

“Well, I don’t control the man, mum.  I’ve already got him to downsize the gift from a trip to the Maldives.” Luke teased.

“The Maldives?” Sharon gasped.

Lukola fanfiction from Luke's POV- Luke and Nicola are filming the carriage scene but both of them secretly like each other - and both of them are unavailable.

(Excerpt taken from my fanfiction 'Curtain Fall')

5th November 2022 – London (UK)

It was a surreal experience to be on a soundstage, even though he had been on dozens of them by this point in his career.

The Bridgerton production did soundstages like nowhere else.  Everything was huge, and everything was opulent.  He stood in front of a dark blue, four-wheeled carriage.  It was elegant with an exterior adorned with intricate gold-leaf patterns and lacquered wood that contrasted sharply with its’ gleaming brass fittings.  It stood looking rather out of place in front of a giant green screen, in the middle of the chasmic space that was Soundstage 12. 

He was dressed in the finest formalwear that the Regency Period had to offer, and he was covered in what he approximated to be about twelve layers of make-up and two entire cans of hairspray. 

He usually felt a mixture of nerves and excitement before filming a scene as crucial as the one they were about to film.  Today, he was just plain nervous.

He was hardly able to take note of the other people on the soundstage.  At one far end, there were several chairs and tables surrounded by a small group of the hair and make-up team.  At another end, there were a handful of crew members working with cables, rigging and lighting fixtures.  Usually, he would be approaching them all, making small talk, trying to ease his own racing mind but he felt too unsettled to make conversation.

He knew that the way he was feeling was not just about the nature of the scene they were about to film.  It was about her.  She stood several feet away from him with Erika and John adding touches to her make-up and clothes.  She was resplendent in a shimmering baby blue gown that was cinched in a way that flattered both her waist and her ample breasts. 

Breasts he would have to touch again. 

All he wanted to do was to touch her again.

He felt nauseous.

At the same time, he knew that was the very last thing he should do.

He sensed there was something different in her since that night in his trailer too.  She appeared to keep more of a distance, the bantering dialogue they usually had was reduced to a few quips.  He could not be sure, but he felt some sort of frustration emanating from her.  As if she wanted to say something but could not.  He could also be imagining it. He did a lot of that recently.  Imagining conversations with her.  Imagining being with her.  He then got angry at himself.  Then he felt the inevitable anxiety that always came when he realised that he was having strong feelings for the woman he would now have to act like he was having strong feelings for. 

His fathers’ advice echoed in his mind: Keep the work as work, and don’t neglect your real life.  How could he do that when the real life was becoming his work, and the work was becoming his real life? 

Six burly-looking men of various ages approached the carriage.  Andrew trailed behind them, a headset wrapped around his neck and clipboard in hand.  Andrew, their director, was a slight man in his earlier forties with a refined yet approachable air about him.  He gestured for both Luke and Nicola to come towards him.

“Guys, guys… you both look incredible.” Andrew’s eyes beamed with enthusiasm. “Wow!”

In that moment, Luke felt thankful that it was Andrew who was going to be taking them through these scenes.  There was nothing like having a director that not only led you through your scenes, but also lifted you up and empowered you throughout the process. 

“Right, so the way we’ll do this is – the camera will be in the carriage with you guys, we’ll be back over here with the monitors to give that added illusion of intimacy in there.” Andrew explained, pointing to the monitor setup a few feet away.

“And these lovely men…” Andrew motioned to the guys standing by the carriage. “They will be our carriage hydraulics!  We can’t have the carriage attached to real horses for a scene like this, so this was Netflix’s next best offer.”

“Well, we’ll try not to make it too long of a shoot day for you guys.” Luke found himself saying with a nervous chuckle. 

“Right, so we’ll get you guys up into position…” Andrew nodded towards the carriage. 

Luke felt the instinct to go to Nicola, to take her by the hand and guide her up onto the carriage, but one of the carriage men beat him to it.

They stepped into the luxurious interior and seated themselves opposite one another as the script requested.  Andrew looked in through the window at them.

“So, we’ll be on the monitors and the camera will follow you from there…” He motioned to the other side of the carriage, where a camera was positioned, looking in at them through the window.

Luke watched Nicola orient herself, taking note of the cues Andrew was outlining.  He was taken aback by how intimate it all felt now that he was inside the carriage.  It was just going to be them and one camera.  

“That looking good to you, Luke?” Andrew interrupted his thoughts.  Luke was not sure he had taken everything in, but he felt compelled to nod. 

“Alright, so we’ve got this mixture of anger and hurt – but there is a tension running underneath it all.”  Andrew’s eyes lit up again. “It’s the tension of longing.  And that tension finally breaks to give us – the carriage scene!”

“Let’s do this!” Nicola high-fived Andrew, matching his excitement.

He could not ignore how she lit up when she smiled.  He thought about how it did not help that she was made up to resemble an actual Goddess on earth.

“Alright, great! On my cue, guys.” Andrew pulled the headset over his head and moved away from them.  They heard his echoing footsteps recede as the entire soundstage became eerily silent.  The lighting around them dimmed.  Suddenly, the carriage started to move in an undulating way. 

Luke’s eyes met Nicola’s and for a second, they both stifled a giggle at the ridiculousness of it all. 

They heard Andrew’s shout: “ACTION!”

Then their masks came down.

Nicola vanished, and the misty-eyed Penelope sat before him, a look of anger etched on her face.

He fixed her with a stoic look as he spoke: “You cannot marry that man. He will leave you, and he is too particular.”

He watched her watching him, her face getting angrier.

“And he is – he is just not right for you, Pen.” He continued, part-insisting, part-pleading.

She shook her head furiously at him. “He did not propose.”

He stared at her, stunned. 

“In fact, he rejected me because of you.” She practically spat the words out.  “Because the scene you caused led him to believe you have feelings for me.  An idea so preposterous, I do not know what to do besides laugh.”

There were times when she was acting that he found himself lost in what she was doing.  The way she conveyed emotions with so much power and grace.  He watched her with awe.

She continued, through gritted teeth: “Now, will you please leave me alone and let us ride home in silence?”

His heart was racing and there were tears in his eyes as he leaned forward.

“I cannot.” His tone was defiant.

“Please!” She snapped at him, near tears herself.

“I cannot!” He found himself snapping back, a hot, angry tear rolling down his cheek.  He could no longer tell if they were acting tears, or tears of real frustration. 

“Because…” He swallowed, as if mustering up his courage. “What if I did have feelings for you?”

He felt the nausea again. He wanted to remind himself that this was acting, that he should not be having such a visceral reaction to those words but at the same time, he knew it was helping his performance. 

“What?” She blinked at him, still frowning.

He moved so that he was closer to her and then knelt before her.  He was aware he was shaking.  His breath was laboured.

“I have spent so long trying to feel less, trying to be the kind of man society expects me to be.”  He reached forward for her hands, his nerves increasing as he was aware she was surely able to feel the sweat on his palms and feel how much he was shaking.  He found himself squeezing her hands tightly, as if to anchor himself.

“And for a moment, I thought I had succeeded.” He continued. “But these past few weeks have been full of confounding feelings.”

Where did Colin end and he begin?  He thought to himself.  He felt himself getting choked up.  He felt the weeks of frustration and conflicting emotions rising inside him. 

“Feelings like a total inability to stop thinking about you. About that kiss.”

She reacted to his words with a small gasp.

“Feelings like dreaming of you when I’m asleep.  And in fact, preferring sleep because that is where I might find you.  A feeling that is like torture.”

Speaking these words felt terrifying, electrifying and cathartic all at once. Another tear rolled down his cheek.

“One which I cannot… do not… and will not give up.” He spoke emphatically.

“Please. Do not say things you do not mean.” She shook her head at him, disbelieving.

“But I do mean it.  It is everything I have wanted to say to you… for weeks.”

An expression of confusion and pain appeared on her face.

“But… Colin, we are friends.”

Even though the rejection was merely playacting, it still stung.

“Yes, but we…” He spoke with hurt in his voice.  He wanted to say more but swallowed back his words and recomposed himself. He moved back to his seat. “Forgive me. I do not know what I was thinking.”

“But I’d very much like to be more than friends.” 

He stared at her with a mixture of amazement and desire.

“So much more.” She added, a look of longing in her eyes.

He moved closer to her, and for a moment, their faces met, and they took each other in, both breathing heavily.  All he wanted to do was to kiss her, but he was also terrified of what that would do to him.  Then, their mouths met in a passionate kiss.

He found his mind and body travel back… back to the inside of his trailer… back with his hands all over her.  Her mouth and body responded to his with a willingness and desire equal to his own.

He felt the stickiness of her lipstick smearing around the corners of his mouth, her hands in his hair – neither of them having any thought for their hair or make-up.

And then suddenly, he heard it as she did because they found themselves springing away from one another at the same time.

“CUUUUUUUUUUUT!”

A bright light exploded in their faces as the spotlight above them came back to life.  Andrew and Liam, the cinematographer, were stood by the window next to the camera.  Andrew surveyed their messy faces and hair with wide eyes.

“Woah, you guys were really into that.”

Luke instinctively wiped at his lips with the back of his hand as Nicola smoothed out the front of her dress.

“We’ve been yelling cut for over a minute while you did the kiss – we even timed it!” He laughed.

“Don’t say we don’t give you one hundred and ten percent.” Nicola joked.  Despite her humour, Luke sensed that she seemed unsettled.

“That’s for sure!” Andrew agreed. “Alright, let’s get hair and make-up in here and then we can get the next angle.”

Andrew and Liam moved away from the carriage.  Luke could hear the rest of the crew outside the carriage also dispersing as the normal noises of set life resumed. 

He watched Nicola as she touched gently at her own hair, assessing it for damage.

“You look beautiful.” He found himself saying out loud.

She stared him with a look he did not recognise.  She did not reply.

Lukola snippet from my imagination. One cold night, Nicola and Luke are rehearsing their most intimate Season 3 scenes in his trailer when they get a little carried away...

(Excerpt taken from my fanfiction 'Curtain Fall')

2nd November 2022 – Salisbury (UK)

Nicola stepped out of the make-up trailer and onto the sludge that had once been a green, well-kept field.  Several days of non-stop rain had not been kind to the grounds of Wilton House and wellies had become essential wear for the cast and crew.  It was a bitterly cold night with a bright moon hanging overhead. Nicola pulled the big brown fleece she was wearing more tightly around herself and made her way determinedly towards his trailer.

She was equal parts exhausted and frantic.  It was a strange way to feel.  It had been a very long day of filming so she should want to do nothing more than go to bed but her mind would not let her rest.

After all, she had spent several hours on set with Claudia, filming some very emotional scenes that occurred between their characters.  Several takes had been needed because of lighting problems and because Claudia was struggling with a chesty cough.  They had finished their night seated in front of their respective vanity mirrors as the make-up team helped them scrub off the layers of foundation and lipstick, and they had talked about how desperate they were for the warmth of their beds.  Nicola had not entirely lied; she was eager to be warm.  Yet, sleep was the last thing on her mind. 

In less than two days, she and Luke would be filming the most exposing and intimate of all their romantic scenes together.  For several weeks, they had been meeting discreetly in their trailers to rehearse kissing, touching and even tentatively exploring the idea of seeing each other naked.  This had been done without the knowledge or involvement of anyone else even though Lizzy had made it clear to them that the production team would not support the rehearsal of intimate scenes without a coordinator.  Regardless, Nicola had felt that their extra rehearsals were giving her confidence but as the big day approached, she had been losing sleep.  It did not help that since Ezra had arrived less than a week ago, she and Luke had had no time together to privately rehearse.  It also really did not help that she had not seen any part of Luke under his clothes until just a few days ago.  The sight of his tight abdominal muscles, the way his jeans hung just low enough for the revealing V-shape of his obliques to be visible – she shook her head as if to try and shake the image from her mind.

How am I going to have that body on top of me and act?  She thought.  It was not just his body.  It was the fact that she already found his personality attractive – so to find him physically appealing as well would be torturous.  She reasoned that exposure would help.  She was just overwhelmed at seeing him in such great shape for the first time but repeatedly seeing him would surely dull the effect.

So, she had been grateful for the exchange of texts that had happened between her and Luke as she was having her hair and make-up undone for the day.

Luke N: Plans for tonight?

Nicola C: Staring at my ceiling for four hours before my alarm goes off. You?

Luke N: Wow, same.

Nicola C: Rehearsal would probably be a good idea.

Luke N: Definitely.  When do you finish?

Nicola C: Being de-Peneloped in make-up right now.  Can be with you in 10?

Nicola stared at her phone.  She had sent him that message over half an hour ago and there had not been a response.  She tapped out a message as she approached his trailer door.

Nicola C: You better not have fallen asleep.

“BOO!”

She was so engrossed in her phone that when the noise came, she squealed and jumped several inches off the ground.  Her phone slipped from her hand and into the mud. 

Luke was stood behind her in a black button-down t-shirt, carrying a small Styrofoam takeaway box and laughing.

“Jaysus fucking Christ!” Nicola snapped, and immediately bent down to rescue her phone.

“Oh shit, is that your phone?” The smile disappeared from his face.  “Is it OK?”

Nicola peeled the phone off the ground using only the tips of her fingers.  It was completely covered.

“Why would you do that?” She glared at him.  The intensity of her own anger took her aback.  Perhaps it was the very long day of filming or maybe it was the heightened adrenaline she had been experiencing since Ezra had arrived – either way, she was not able to do what a well-rested, clear-minded Nicola would do: laugh.

“It looks alright.” Luke spoke softly and carefully, recognising that a line may have been crossed on his part. “See, the screen’s still lighting up and there’s no cracks…”

Nicola narrowed her eyes at him.  Before she was able to fully form a thought, she found herself thrusting forward, grabbing him by the arm and then smearing the gloopy mess that covered her phone across the cotton fabric of his top.  He let out a shocked yelp and jumped back, pulling his arm away from her but it was too late, the front of his shirt was completely covered.

This time, Nicola laughed.  He looked down at his clothes in disbelief and then at her.

“Happy now?” He sighed.

“No.” She replied, holding her phone up. “My phone is still disgusting.  You’ll have to do the recording tonight.” 

It was true, her phone did not look any cleaner, instead it looked like the mud had just been more evenly spread across the phone’s surface.

“Peace offering?” Luke gestured to the box in his hands. “I got us some chips.”

“You remembered the vinegar?”

“I would throw myself down in the mud right now if I hadn’t.” He attested, leading the way up his trailer steps and inside.

Nicola stepped inside and was hit with the blast of warm air from the space heater that stood by the paisley patterned sofa.  Opposite this was a small kitchenette area with a sink and work surface where Luke placed the box of chips. 

“Oh my God, I feel like I’m melting.”  Nicola sat down, pulling the fleece off herself to reveal a black vest underneath.

“That heater only has two settings – on or off.”  Luke apologized.  “It’s better on then off right now.”

She watched him as he pulled out his phone from his trouser pocket and started to stage it on the work surface before him.  He propped it up against a cup so that it was stood upright with the camera lens facing her on the sofa.

They had taken to filming their rehearsals so that they could watch them back together to see how their performance looked.

He started to unbutton his shirt, trying to avoid touching the dirt where possible.

Nicola watched him, hawk-eyed, as he pulled the shirt off his shoulders to reveal the very sight that she had not been able to get out of her mind.  

How did he still look that ripped at the end of a day?

“I’m sending you the dry-cleaning bill.” He joked, balling the shirt up and pushing it into a laundary bag.  He grabbed at a white t-shirt that was hanging off a hook behind him.

“No.  Keep it off.” She noticed herself gulp as she said the words.  He froze and looked at her.

“I mean… for the scene.” She continued.

“Right.” He let his arm drop away from the hook and he moved towards her. 

Why was her heart racing so fast?

Jesus, he was beautiful.

He has a girlfriend. You have almost got a boyfriend. A very hot boyfriend.  A boyfriend with abs. She repeated in her mind, trying to remind both her mind and body of the facts.

He sat inches from her and a mischievous smile spread across his lips. “If I remember right, we’re both topless in at least one of the scenes.”

Nicola laughed; she knew he was joking but she could not resist commenting: “These are coming out once and once only.  When I’m being paid a crap-ton of money for it.”

“Should I be charging for this?” Luke looked down at himself.

“I think you should be paying me for this.” She quipped and placed a hand on his chest.  She felt him shiver a little at the coldness of her touch, which amused her.  They both stayed in that position for a moment, sat on the sofa, leaning towards each other, her hand on his heart.  He felt warm and his heart was racing.  She looked at him in surprise.

“Nervous?” She found herself asking.

“With you?” He half-smiled. “Always.”

She was not sure how to take his words.  She was sure a look of confusion was spreading across her face.  His heart seemed to thud even faster under her hand.

I make him nervous?  She thought.

What happened next felt natural.  

He leaned forward and pressed his mouth against hers, one of his hands was on the back of her head, holding her face against his.  It was the epitome of a closed mouth acting kiss.  

They had gone through these very movements so many times, it would have been odd for it not to feel natural.  Yes, this was what regular rehearsal and being in your comfort zone with your costar felt like, she was sure of it.

She was not sure how other than the fact that every part of her mouth longed for it to happen but suddenly, her tongue was in his mouth.  Tentatively at first.  He did not pull back.  In fact, his tongue seemed to greet hers with glee.  His hand gripped the back of her head even tighter, and he wrapped his other arm around her waist, pulling her so close to himself that the hand she had placed on his chest was now squeezed between their two bodies.

Wait - what scene was this even?  The question swirled very faintly in some corner of her mind that was easy to ignore. 

All she cared about was how ferociously hungry he seemed to be for her.  He held her so tightly it was almost as if he was afraid to loosen his grip for fear that she might slip away.  His lips left hers so rarely that taking in oxygen was not the easiest thing.  She didn’t care.  Oxygen no longer mattered. Barely being able to breathe felt too good.     

She could hear his breathless panting as he pulled the strap of her vest down and she felt the warm air of the room against her naked breast.  It was the wake-up call she needed to come back into her own body.

What are we doing? 

You should not be enjoying this.

The voice in her head was louder now.

What scene is this even?!

She found herself prying her lips away from his, her hand still on his chest, his heart still beating furiously.

He pulled back, breathless and looked at her.

“I-um, I…” She was at a loss for words.  She knew what she wanted to say but she did not know how to say it.  She wanted to ask him what he was thinking.  She wanted to know what he was feeling.  She wanted to ask him if he felt as crazy as she did right now?  She did not say any of this. 

Instead, she took a breath and pulled her vest back over her breast.

“Boobies out, time to stop.” She gave a chuckle that came off nervous when she had wanted it to come across nonchalant.

“Sorry. I, uh, I got caught up in it…” He trailed off. 

The energy between them was weird.  She knew it and she knew he knew it too.  They had never discussed a line that could not be crossed in rehearsal.  They had only agreed to try to be comfortable with each other and to try to portray the intimacy of their characters with authenticity.  That was the problem though.  This felt too authentic for her.

He has a girlfriend.

He has a girlfriend.

“I actually – you know, the night is just hitting me.” She sounded like a bumbling fool, but it was the best she could do in that moment. “I think I should just go to bed.”

She saw a mixture of emotions cross his face; upset, surprise, concern. 

“OK.” He had settled on agreeing with her, although she could sense he had wanted to protest. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, just – exhausted.” She reassured him. “Are you?”

“I could keep rehearsing but… I didn’t have a ten-hour shoot day.” He gave her a smile. “I’ll walk you to yours.”

“It’s fine, Luke.” She was already on her feet with her fleece wrapped around her.  She stuck her mud-encrusted phone into her pocket.

As she headed to the door, she suddenly remembered his phone.  She turned and looked over at the work surface where it stood.

“Luke – I would delete this one.” She iterated to him.  He nodded. 

Moments later, she was back out into the night.  She was still exhausted.  And her mind was still racing.  In fact, it was worse now. 

I really fucking like him.

As I’ve mentioned many times in my comments on Ao3. ur my lord and saviour atm with your Lukola fic so Ima have to follow you here too.

A few real images that inspired another sex scene from my Lukola fanfic. Lord, forgive my smutty sins, I did it for the fandom.

(Excerpt taken from my fanfiction 'Curtain Fall')

17th October 2022 – London (UK)

His naked feet made contact with the hardwood floor and he felt the cold travel up his body, sending a chill through his spine.

He was stood in a beautiful drawing room with ornate period features and antique furniture spread out all around him.  It would normally have been an inviting space but today, there were thick, black cables snaking their way across the plush tapestried carpet, multitudes of lighting poles and about a dozen different parts of camera equipment.  Everything was stationed around the perimeter of the room so that it faced the elegantly upholstered chaise longue that was the centerpiece. 

Soon, there would be a handful of people in this room, working together to operate the cameras and the sound and lighting equipment.

He suddenly felt very aware of his complete nakedness under the dark blue cotton robe he was wearing. 

Better get used to that feeling.  He thought to himself.

Nicola walked into the room in a light pink gown that in length just skimmed at her thighs.  Her blonde locks were not expertly coiffed in their usual way.  Instead, her hair was slightly messy.  As she sauntered towards him, there was something about how she carried herself that had him looking at her twice.  He could not place his finger on it, all he knew was that she was mesmerizing him more than usual.

He had a feeling surge through him that he usually tried to resist around her.  It was an unprofessional feeling. 

She came to a stop beside him, and in silence, she surveyed the chaise longue before them, seemingly unaware of how his eyes were locked onto her. 

Her gown was hanging slightly off one of her shoulders.  He tried to keep his eyes on her face, he tried not to notice how dangerously close the material was to slipping off her right breast, to the fact that he could see the outline of a nipple protruding through the thinness of the silk.

This felt like the first time he was seeing her.  He could not put into words what it was that all of a sudden seemed intoxicating to him.  It was not any one thing on its own.  It was the negligee she was wearing; he was sure it was inappropriate and too revealing for her to be cavorting in behind the scenes – what were the wardrobe team thinking giving her that?  It was the fact that she was not expertly made-up in a fashionable outfit and make-up and so there was no distraction from the Nicola underneath it all.  It was that when all those things stripped back from her, he could feel the vulnerability emanating from her.  She looked small, pale and… he tried to push the thought away but could not – she looked sexy. 

As his mind raced, her gaze wondered over to him.

“Well, I guess I should help you get warmed up.” 

Before he could respond to her comment, she had grabbed him by the hand and was pulling him away from the glaring set lights and towards a darkened corner of the room.  Electricity shot through him as she touched him.  Everything about how his mind and body were reacting right now was wrong.  He should not be feeling this. 

“What are we doing?” He managed to ask her.

“Just getting a little privacy.”  She gave him that mischievous smile of hers, the one he knew all too well.  

With a gentle nudge, she pushed his back against the wall, and then she sank to her knees so that her face was level with his crotch.  In one swift, determined movement, she pulled back the soft cotton robe and wrapped a warm hand around him down there.

It all happened so quickly. One moment he was a ball of confusion and anxiety, and the next moment, his entire body was on fire as the blood rushed to his penis.  Suddenly, he was aware of how exposed they were, and how poor her logic was to think they were away from prying eyes.

“Uh, I don’t think…” Before he could finish his sentence, he felt her hot breath on the inside of his thigh and then he felt her lips on him.  He felt her mouth move gently and deliberately as she took him in slowly, each inch making his body vibrate in anticipation.   

Her tongue swirled around him, making him groan out load.  He found himself placing a hand on her head, feeling the softness of her hair as he filled her mouth.   

What the fuck was happening?  This would have been a thought he would have had but the truth was, he did not want to think.  He just wanted to feel. 

From that point, he was aware the thinking had stopped for him.

Everything that followed was rabid animal instinct.  No, it was pent-up rabid animal instinct.  This was what he had been wanting all along.  It was so clear to him now.

He was suddenly hungry for more.  He needed to see her.

He found himself pulling her up towards him, tugging her negligee off her with his other hand and exposing her perfect breasts.  He pulled her waist closer to him before putting his lips to her right breast, his tongue working itself around her nipple.  She let out a gasp of pleasure, arching her back so that her pelvis was pushed closer to his erect penis.  He felt her hands hurriedly pull the front of his gown apart, fully revealing him.  Their actions were frantic and passionate.

He was dying to be inside her now.

He lifted her from the waist and hoisted her against the wall so that their faces were level.  Before either of them could take a breath, their lips were on each other.    

He felt her sharp fingernails dig into his buttocks as she pulled him in closer to her opening.  He maneuvered himself around her and she let out an animalistic squeal as he entered her. 

He found himself breathing harder and faster as a state of euphoria overwhelmed him.  He lost himself in the amazing feeling until suddenly, the world around him started to blur.  It was like a wave that came over him; the feeling of her hot flesh against his faded, the salty taste of her skin dissipated on his tongue.  He felt as if everything around him was melting and within a second, it was all black.

And then it wasn’t.

Luke sat bolt upright in his bed, the furious beating in his chest was there, sweat drenched his body and his eyes darted around as they acclimated to the dark room he was in. 

He was in his bedroom in his flat in London.

His phone rested on the bedside cabinet and the digital display read 2:12 AM. 

Next to him, Jade let out a deep sigh while in a state of what he hoped was a very deep sleep.  He held his breath as he watched her stir, afraid to wake her.

Another Behind The Scenes of Luke and Nicola rehearsing THAT sex scene taken from my Lukola fanfic. In my universe, this was just practice for them ;)

(Excerpt taken from my fanfiction 'Curtain Fall')

15th October 2022 – Buckinghamshire (UK)

Luke leaned over until he was on top, supporting his body weight with arms that enclosed her from either side.  She observed that he was not quite his usual alert self and his tousled hair and sleepy eyes evidenced this.  He was clearly sleep-deprived, a common issue afflicting most of the actors and crew at this stage of the production. 

Luke lowered himself so that his lips were right next to hers; the strong minty smell of toothpaste overpowered her senses.

He probably didn’t even get his morning coffee.  She thought to herself.

He delicately ran a hand across her forehead and over her hair.  It was a tender albeit unscripted moment.

“Can I follow that with a closed mouth kiss?” He asked, a small smile spreading across his face.

Another action that was not scripted.

“It feels right.” She smiled back.

He pressed his lips to hers and she felt her mouth tingle in response.  It was likely the most chaste kiss she had ever experienced but there was something about it that excited her nonetheless.  It was exactly how she imagined Penelope and Colin would be; shy but hungry, wanting more and more of one another but still somewhat hesitant.

As Luke pulled back, his face above her again, their eyes briefly met before he looked down as he manoeuvred himself above her into position.  The position.  She found herself instinctively placing a hand on his chest to stop him.

“Wait.” She breathed. “Don’t break eye contact.”

He nodded in response.  They both started to move together in the slow, rhythmic motions of coitus, their eyes never leaving the others.  She had been right about the eye contact.  There was something about it that added to the intensity of the moment.  She wondered where his mind was right now as they made these sensual movements together. 

The modesty cushion that was placed in the gap between their pelvic regions pressed into her, and she felt a light pressure down there. 

She felt the cushion shift and then she felt the distinct motions of the cushion not only pushing down on her but also rubbing against her.  She was pretty sure that was not supposed to happen.  She let out an audible gasp of surprise.  Despite it being off-script, Luke responded with a mischievous smile and quickened his pace above her.  She thought that he was clearly reading this as Penelope showing enthusiasm and passion.  The friction between her and the cushion increased and she was beginning to realise that it was not entirely soft, it in fact had pretty hard edges.  She found her heart racing at the sensations that were starting to happen between her legs and pressed a hand into his chest, as if pushing him away.

“Oh, oh!” She exclaimed breathlessly. “That’s touching, that’s touching!”

He was quick to respond, a look of concern crossing his face.

“Wait, what?” He pulled back, sitting up and appraising the neutral-toned, heart-shaped cushion that had been between them. 

“Nothing could be touching - the cushion remained in place.”  Lizzy stood up from the armchair she was seated in and walked towards to them.

They were on set in the room where this scene would be filmed in front of the crew and the cameras.  They were rehearsing with just Lizzy, trying to finalise their choreography using the real space where the action would occur.  Nicola and Luke were situated on a large check-patterned chaise longue that they had been told would likely be used in the actual filming.

“It might have looked in place, but it felt like it was going up and down the place, if you catch my drift.”  Nicola explained, using her elbows to support herself into an upright position.

Luke’s eyes widened as he took in her meaning. “You mean…?”

“Yeah.” She smirked.  She marvelled at how comfortable she was with admitting something like this.  The instinct to feel embarrassed or awkward about anything relating to their intimacy scenes had long left them both. 

“Wow, you’re welcome.” He joked.

She could not help but to cackle in laughter at the remark. 

“Oh, drat.” Lizzy was appraising the cushion with a frown. “I think this needs to be glued or strapped down to stop that happening.”

Nicola pictured herself, all but butt-naked, with the modesty cushion glued to her nether regions as she paraded herself through a set filled with, amongst others, the director, the cinematographer, and the grip.  She could tell from the amusement spreading across Luke’s face that the same image had crossed his mind.

“I knew I was going to look a little ridiculous, but I think we’ve reached the peak here.”

“Hmm, I think it needs to be fastened to both of you to prevent rubbing on either end really.” Lizzy had barely registered Nicola’s comment, instead she was turning the cushion this way and that, her mind already in problem-solving mode.

“I stand corrected.” Nicola quipped, the visual of her and Luke attached to one another’s nether regions through a cushion taking over her thoughts.

“Great, we’ll be a really sexy pair of conjoined twins.” Luke remarked, making Nicola snigger.

“Hmm, I think we’ll need to take this over to Wardrobe and see how we can attach this to the modesty garments.” Lizzy continued. “Why don’t we break for an hour and that will give me time to whip something up with this?”

This was not what Nicola had wanted to hear.  They had only started their rehearsal twenty minutes prior to this.  It was not setting a good precedent for the rest of the day.  As enticing as it was to be given regular breaks, those breaks also served to elongate what was already going to be a very long day.  She could sense Luke was feeling the same way from the face he pulled.

“Well, I guess we could rehearse other parts of the scene while we’re in here.” He suggested.

Lizzy’s expression quickly changed into one they rarely saw. 

“I really wouldn’t recommend that.” Lizzy stated sternly. “This is a safe space to work out boundaries and consent and my presence helps to ensure that from a professional but also legal standpoint.”

“I think we can handle it. I feel like we’ve got the consent and boundaries well laid out.” Nicola added in support of Luke.  “Honestly, it almost felt like you weren’t even in the room now.”

Lizzy blinked at her with the same unchanging look on her face.  “As much as I’m glad you’re so comfortable in my presence that I may as well be furniture in the room now – I am still in the room, and that part is important.”

Nicola was not sure she was entirely convinced but understood that this seemed a non-negotiable.

“Fair enough.  I won’t protest to work more when I could be taking breaks.” Nicola shrugged.

“Good.  I’ll see you guys at eleven o’clock.  Why don’t you grab a cuppa and go for a walk - it’s lovely out there!” The smile returned to Lizzy’s face; she seemed content that her point had been made.  She disappeared from the room, cushion tucked under her arm, leaving them to collect themselves.

“You’re thinking it, right?” Luke fixed Nicola with a knowing look.

“That it’s a stupid rule and we are going to take any opportunity to practice that we can?” Nicola asked.

“Yeah!” He enthused.

“Yeah, I was thinking it but I’m surprised Mr. Never Even Jaywalks is.” She teased. “Are you sure your conscious will allow it?”

“Why do it when there’s a zebra crossing or traffic light on every street? Why even take that risk?”  His voice was tinged with an annoyance that served to amuse her further.

“You’re right, there should be special prisons for those people.” Her tone was mocking, and he rolled his eyes at her.

“Alright, well we’ll start with breaking a set rule or two, and we’ll work our way up to the ol’ jaywalk.” Nicola reassured him. 

“Rehearsing extra hours is not really a rule break.” He replied dismissively, almost as if to reassure himself.

“This is going to break your brain, isn’t it?” She snickered. 

“I’m not gonna be given a hard time for following rules, thanks.” He intonated, raising his hands in the air in a back off gesture. “But some rules are made to be broken.”

As soon as the words left his lip, she could tell he regretted them.

“Did ya just hear your voice out loud and realise how lame you sounded?” She asked.

“I really can’t pull that statement off, can I?” He sighed. 

She laughed and wrapped an arm around his neck.  “Well, at least you’re self-aware about it.”

He pulled an arm around her waist in return.  These were actions they hardly thought about.  There was an instinct that kicked in that made them reach for each other, physically or emotionally. It was something that had developed gradually and was now a feature of their relationship. 

“We’ll have to rehearse those scenes in one of our trailers when Lizzy’s not around then.” He suggested. "Could head there now?”

"I've never known anyone so keen to break the rules!" 

"It's not a rule if it's stupid." Luke continued to insist as they left the room, arm in arm.

OK - another BTS of Bridgerton Season 3 moment in my Lukola fanfic. Luke and Nicola rehearsing THAT sex scene.

(Excerpt taken from my fanfiction 'Curtain Fall')

12th October 2022 – Buckinghamshire (UK)

Of all the rehearsal spaces they had been able to inhabit so far, this was one of the grandest.  In another lifetime, this had been the nursery for the Victorian family who lived here.  Attesting to this history were the period features: dark wood floorboards and panelled emerald-green walls.  These days, the room stood largely empty apart from the heavy green curtains that framed the bay windows and a blue chaise longue that the production team had positioned in the centre.  A purple blanket was messily strewn across the chaise longue.

Luke and Nicola sat cross-legged on the floor beside the piece of furniture, a script cradled in each of their laps.  They were both dressed casually, Luke in dark jogging bottoms and a white-shirt, and Nicola in black leggings and tank top.  Lizzy sat opposite them, wrapped in an oversized maroon cardigan, her auburn curls pulled up into a high ponytail. She tapped the end of a ballpoint pen thoughtfully against her bottom lip as she scanned her own copy of the script.

“OK, so, do we want a break or do we want to move onto the next section?”  She surveyed them.

“I’m happy to carry on for a bit.” Luke responded. 

Nicola nodded in agreement, her eyes catching the clock by the door as she did so. She was surprised to see that they had been working for nearly four hours without interruption.  They were deep into a process that Lizzy called negotiating your boundaries.   This meant that their morning had been spent walking through their intimate scenes and figuring out exactly how they would enact them.  Lizzy was there to facilitate them as they maneuvered through the challenging dialogue and actions.  Every single touch was discussed, choreographed, and evaluated in explicit detail. 

Initially, Nicola had walked in feeling slightly on edge and she knew Luke was going through the same motions.  Neither of them had ever worked in scenes where they had to portray sexual acts in such excruciating detail and the idea of doing things like working out the mechanics of digital penetration had been daunting.  Yet, they had done exactly this for several hours and to her surprise, it had been one of the most enriching and comfortable experiences she had ever had in a rehearsal.  It had felt tough but only in the same way coordinating steps to a dance routine could feel tough.  There was something about Lizzy’s gentle manner and her assuredness that made even the most intense scripted action seem manageable.  Most of all, there was Luke.  She had not known she could feel this comfortable with a co-star until they had started working on the sex scenes.  Luke was gentle and respectful.  As they directed one another, step by step, through kisses and touching, Nicola forgot for a moment that anyone else was in the room, observing.  He made her feel like they were the only two people in the room which was exactly how she needed to feel to really embody her character in those scenes. 

It was also a consuming process.  The only thing they had to care about was one another and the performance they were there to deliver.  The rest of the world fell away.  It was just what she needed, and she was happy to surrender herself entirely to the work.

“Great.” Lizzy smiled. “Let’s go from line 347 to 523.”

Nicola shuffled herself up onto the chaise longue, and Luke moved so that he was a few steps away from her.

Lizzy held up the script and read: “We have our rear view of Colin - pun-intended -as he stands before Penelope, fully exposed and vulnerable.”

Nicola looked up at Luke, he faced her with his back to Lizzy.  He stood tall and stiff.  He was so good at playing the character that even without a single line of dialogue, he exuded Colin. 

Lizzy continued reading: “Penelope leans back on the chaise longue, a blanket draped across naked body, tastefully obscuring her breasts, abdomen, and upper thighs.  She looks up at Colin as he approaches, her face is a mixture of hopeful anticipation and nerves.”

Nicola arched her back against the chaise longue, pulling the blanket across her chest, stomach, and thighs as she did so.  Luke’s eyes travelled across her body, a shy smile on his face.  She met his expression with a look of excitement and nerves.  All Penelope wants in this moment is for him to be right next to her, for him to touch her. 

“OK next - Colin gently peels the blanket back, takes in her naked body.” Lizzy directed, watching as Luke walked three small yet purposeful steps towards Nicola.  He reached forward and gently tugged the blanket away, his hand caressing her stomach as he did so.  Although she was not naked, she imagined she was, and let out a small gasp at her own sudden exposure.  His eyes scanned over her stomach, along her breasts and then into her eyes.  He did the thing most men did when they looked at her breasts, he lingered.  It was brief but noticeable.   It was hard in moments like this one to forget that this was an attractive young man pressed on top of her. 

Penelope is aching for him to be on her, in her. Nicola thought, trying to keep her focus.  She felt her heart race.  In that moment, a part of her ached for him to hurry up and touch her.  She could not explain what the feeling was or why it was there, only that it had been present all morning and it had made the work much easier.  When their skin touched, when she felt his breath against her, it felt good.  To her, this was a win.  She was doing sex scenes with someone and enjoying them.  Is this not what acting should be?  She was getting something right.       

“He leans over her, tugging the blanket over them so their dignity is covered. The entire time, their eyes remain locked.”

Here, Luke moved so that he was leaning on top of her, supporting his body weight with his own arms.  She watched as he tried to pull the blanket over them in one smooth motion but instead, struggled.  It was hard for him to support his body weight with only one arm and adjust the blanket with the other.  This scuffle continued, becoming less sensual and more comical as the seconds passed.

“Sorry – it’s either I move the blanket and crush you, or I don’t move the blanket.” Luke sighed in exasperation, sitting back up.

“Can I help him?” Nicola looked over at Lizzy.

Lizzy gave them a thoughtful look.  “Let’s give it a go. From the top.”

Once again, Luke appeared on top of her, using one arm to hold himself up and the other to tend to the blanket.  They stared deep into each other’s eyes as they did.  Nicola felt around for the blanket, trying not to break eye contact as she did, and felt the cotton fabric scrape her fingertips.  She shuffled herself further down to try to reach, still trying to maintain the intensity of their gaze.  Luke’s face began to contort from lovelorn to amused, eventually making him break character.

“What are you doing?” He laughed incredulously. “All I’m seeing is you slipping further down and away.”

She sat up. “I was trying to reach the blanket, I’m too bloody short!”

This made all three of them laugh.

“Alright, so that doesn’t work.” Lizzy stated. She took her pen and began to scribble.  “How about we make a slight edit…?  Out of shot, Colin tugs the blanket over them, so their dignity is covered.  The camera holds on their faces.  There we go, movie magic!  They can adjust it off-camera.”

“I’m happy with that.” Luke agreed.

“I think that could look really beautiful.” Nicola added. “They keep their eyes on each other whilst the action happens below.  It’s sexier.”

“Yeah, a tight close-up on the face Nic was making right then– that would be really sexy.” Luke said the words in a matter-of-fact tone but nonetheless, Nicola felt her face flush.  

“Oh, you’ve got Nicola blushing.” Lizzy laughed.

“I mean Penelope’s face. Which is also Nicola’s face. You know what I mean!” Luke continued, a little self-conscious. “That expression you’re making is really hot.”

“Keep talking like that Luke and you’ll get me into bed for real.” Nicola retorted, making all three of them laugh once again.

This was the thing about intimate scenes.  Things got intimate.  It was inevitable.  There was nothing to be done about it except to have a good sense of humour and to use the awkward emotions to create a great scene.  She also had to admit to herself that she agreed with Luke’s vision of the scene.  There was something incredibly sexy about their characters holding each other’s gaze so intently as they touched each other in the most intimate parts.  She tried not to let her mind wonder into thinking about what that said about Luke and his sex life. 

“The only note I have so far is maybe some more breathlessness from Penelope?” Lizzy queried. “That and her expression changing from sort of stunned to really keen - it definitely heats up the scene. What do you think?”

“Sure, why not?  I’ll remember to bring my inhaler.” Nicola joked.

“Alright… then we go from 401. ” Lizzy returned to the script.

Nicola leaned back again, and Luke looked down at her, his waist was pressed slightly against her abdomen, but his legs were positioned to the other side of hers.  It was not as intimate as the real soon would be when it was eventually filmed in front of a camera.  Then, his legs would be between hers, and there would be a protective cover between them to prevent any touch there.  Regardless, she noticed him taking great pains to keep his parts down there away from her down there. 

“You’re so beautiful.” Luke whispered to her, his face sincere and serious.

“Penelope is overwhelmed by love for him.  She pulls him towards her, crushing their mouths together in an intensely passionate kiss.”

Nicola broke from the scene to look back over at Lizzy: “So, tongues?”

“That is entirely up to you and Luke.” Lizzy smiled.

“He’s already slipping one body part in, what’s another?” Luke smirked.

Nicola pulled a face. “Ugh, don’t say it like that.”

“Sorry, I’ll rephrase.” He looked at her apologetically, and then reached a hand across to push a strand of hair that was creeping into her eyes back behind her ear.  It felt surprisingly intimate, almost inappropriate, perhaps because this was an action by Luke, not Colin. 

He gave her a small mocking smile and spoke in Colin’s voice. “Penelope, can I interest you in duel of the tongues?”

Nicola followed suit, speaking as sweet, wide-eyed Penelope. “A duel?”  A steely look crossed her eyes as she returned to her usual Irish accent. “I want your tongue boxing my tonsils – go deep, lad!”

The remark had its desired effect.  Luke buried his head into her shoulder as he shook with laughter.  If it had been anyone else’s hot breath on her neck, their mouth suspiciously close to her chest, she would have been quick to pull back politely but firmly.  Yet, she did not mind this one bit - it felt like being embraced by a broad-shouldered cuddly bear.  She resisted the urge to wrap her arms around him and pull him in closer.  Again, she reflected on how it could seem so strange that they were so physically comfortable with one another, but she was sure this was normal when you filmed such scenes.  She was not sure many outside their industry would understand though.

She took the opportunity to mimic panting noises and asked Lizzy: “Are we doing it right? The sex?”

This made Luke laugh even harder.

They were a ridiculous sight; Luke with his head nuzzled into her shoulder, in a fit of giggles, and Nicola panting like a dog.

Lizzy laughed through her eye roll.  “Oh yes, this would be great for the Nature channel.”

I wrote another behind-the-scenes-of-Bridgerton-Season-3 moment in my Lukola fanfic. This time, it's about the making of the mirror scene....

(Excerpt taken from my fanfiction 'Curtain Fall')

5th October 2022 – Buckinghamshire (UK)

He stood in front of her with a face full of determination.

“I will always stand up for you.” He insisted. “Because I love you… Pen.”

“Are-are you sure?” She found her words catching in her throat as she swallowed back tears.

He met her wide-eyed, slightly terrified gaze with a small yet reassuring smile.

“Everything I said to your mother is true.”  He looked away from her and towards the full-length rectangular mirror that was propped against the brick wall behind her. “And you shall see it as well.”

With those words and with some grace, he gently maneuvered her so that she was turned away from him; her back pressing into his abdomen, his arms hugging her from behind.  They both directed their gaze into the mirror before them, catching each other’s’ eyes in the reflection.

This part came easily to Nicola.  Conveying the hope that he truly loved you but not being able to let go of the fear that it was all a mistake or hoax somehow.  That any moment, he might pull away with the coldness and unfamiliarity of a stranger.  She knew as she played the part and said the words that she was channelling feelings that were years old and about Ezra, and the unrequited nature of their relationship.  She did not want those dots to connect but this was part of the challenge of being an actor; you did not get to choose what the work bought up for you.  This was what had kept happening to her every time they walked through these scenes.  She tried to orient herself to the present moment: to the fact that she and Luke were in a practice being presided over by Lizzy in a small rehearsal studio in the middle of nowhere.  This was not real.  Yet, this exercise only pulled her further away from the pivotal emotions she needed for the scene.

Luke’s hands travelled up her bare arms and rested tenderly on her shoulders as he bought his mouth close to her ear.  She inhaled deeply, holding his gaze in the mirror. 

“You… are the cleverest, bravest woman I have ever known.” His breath was warm against her skin.

This was meant to be an emotional moment; she felt the energy reverberating through him as he continued speaking to her with the passion of a man deeply in love.  Yet, she was no longer in the moment because she actively was trying not to be. The emotions had felt too difficult to hold.  She took another deep breath, trying to portray the feelings of overwhelm that Penelope would have to those words being spoken to her. 

“You make me feel seen in ways I have never felt seen before.” Luke had disappeared, all she could see and hear was Colin.  He was on fire.  “And then there is…”

He reached up to her hair which was gathered up rather sloppily in a bun and held there by a long, green hairpin.  He gently plucked it out and let it drop to the floor, letting her hair fall to her shoulders.  Nicola knew she should emote here but instead, she focused on Lizzy who she could see out of the corner of her eyes, huddled in the corner, watching them with a kind of enthrallment Nicola rarely saw.  She noticed Luke becoming aware of her distractedness; it was evident in the way he slightly stiffened, almost breaking character for the millisecond it took him to process what she was and was not doing.

“The way your hair cascades down your shoulder…” He carried on, but she could hear a change in his voice.  It was less romantic, more unnerved.  “The way your eyes shine when you look at me, like two blue pools.” 

He paused and turned his gaze from the mirror to her, making a point to look directly into her eyes.  She tried to hold his gaze with the nervous, lovesick eyes of Penelope Featherington but it felt impossible.  She no longer felt the tension and climatic build-up associated with romance, instead she felt like a thirty-something-year old in a slightly stained t-shirt and leggings play-acting the most ridiculous scenario. 

Comparing blue eyes to two blue pools? Really? She wanted to laugh.

Luke moved an index finger up to her chin and then began to run it ever-so-delicately across her bottom lip. “The firmness of your lips parted just so...”

It became too much.  It would have been fine if all he had to do was the talking but as usual, the touch pushed her beyond her threshold.  It came through as a small giggle at first, startling him slightly but he retained his resolve and tried to continue.

“…And the softness of your skin…”

No sooner had he finished the sentence than she had found herself bursting into laughter.  He let out a slightly frustrated sigh and dropped his arms, releasing her from him. 

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry.” She apologized. “We can go again, I’ll keep getting better.”

“This keeps happening.” Luke was addressing Lizzy, not her.

“OK, well that was really great from both of you until that moment.” Lizzy reassured, standing up and walking towards them.  “I really got the emotions from you both but then you seemed to shift, Nicola.”

Nicola was not used to feeling the spotlight hit her and wanting to hide from it but, in that instance, she was not sure how to respond and wanted to avoid the topic altogether.  Lizzy was right, she had been the one to break character and there had been nothing going on in the room that had taken her attention away.  It was all internal and she was not sure she was ready to share what the content of that was.

“I was really trying.” Nicola lied.

“Are you sure?  Could what the mirror scene involves be making you get a little in your head?”  Lizzy prodded gently.  Luke was also appraising her carefully, a mix of concern and annoyance on his face.

“No, God, I’m alright with the upcoming nudity, honestly.  I might just be a little tired.” Nicola replied, hoping this would lead to a break and allow them to move on from the matter. 

There was a scoff from Luke that took her aback.  She fixed him with a frown.

“Anything you want to say, Luke?” Lizzy queried, picking up on the atmosphere.

“I don’t think you’re tired because this has been happening for ages, every time I’m delivering the most heartrending of lines.  You’re not tired, be honest.” He spoke with a frustration she had never really heard in his voice before.  Again, it surprised her and on some level, it also angered her.  She was trying, she was tired and yes, she was also secretly distracted by the complex emotions involved with Ezra right now, but he did not know that part, so how dare he accusingly state that there was something more to the situation?  She knew her train of logic was unfair but, in that moment, after several days of rehearsal, she did not care.

“I am tired.” She spat with some venom.  She noticed Lizzy tense up as she took stock of the direction the situation was going in. 

“OK, well I think we can communicate through this.” Lizzy spoke carefully. “Delivering highly emotional and sexually charged scenes is intense, it can bring up a lot.  I think it would be useful just to take a step back and check in with ourselves – what is coming up here?  Luke, can you elaborate?”

“Alright, I’ll say it.” He spoke with a forthrightness that was unusual for him.  “What’s coming up for me – I’m intimidated by you, Nic.  I’ve respected you and your craft and I’m just here trying to measure up. Every time I put heart and soul into a scene, it’s not convincing enough for you, you’re laughing or your breaking character.  It’s giving the distinct impression I’m not measuring up here.”

Nicola took a second to absorb the words.  This was the most emotionally exposed she had ever seen him.  She felt a sharp sting at his words and at the realisation that he had not just been nervous about playing a lead, but he had been worried about playing a lead alongside her.  There were always many jokes made about her perceived success and experience in the industry by many on the Bridgerton set.  They were a cast of many unknowns or first-time actors, therefore it was not difficult to stand out even with a few acting credits to your name.  As such, Nicola had never paid too much mind to these light-hearted comparisons.  Clearly, Luke, the conscientious overthinker that she now recognised him to be, did.

Standing beside her, Lizzy also seemed to be receiving his words with a solemness. She reached out and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Luke, I’m really glad you shared that.  I think we can forget how our performances are incredibly enmeshed and there is a metanarrative running through what you both do, in character and out of character.” Lizzy looked at Nicola expectantly.  “Do you have any thoughts, Nicola?”

“Well, I feel like a right dickhead, for one.” Nicola replied. She watched his features soften and relax. “It’s not you, mate. Lizzy is right, there is a metanarrative that I was hoping I could push past but it’s clearly affecting me, and now you.”

“What metanarrative?” He asked.  There was a look of relief spreading about him that made her feel simultaneously better and awful – she could not believe he had been carrying that much worry about his own performance.  She owed him an explanation.

“It’s…” She started but was not sure how to continue.

Sensing an opportunity, Lizzy interjected.  “You know what? I think… this is a great thing to talk through over a break and a coffee.  Maybe journal out your thoughts first and then share them with each other if that is easier.  Work out a way to support each other through your differing metanarratives?”

“That’s a great idea.”  Luke stated and Nicola nodded in person but in mind, the idea was terrifying.