your feelings are valid

Self-validation: Respecting yourself, letting yourself feel, think, and want with acceptance – no judgments, second-guessing, or devaluing yourself.

With Mindfulness (about):

Observe, participate, and describe your thoughts and feelings non-judgmentally.

Let judgments pass. Notice but do not hold onto them, let them go.

Observe your thinking without participating or believing it’s true.

Identify and describe your feelings precisely.

Allow yourself to feel your emotions without avoiding them, escaping from them, acting impulsively, or numbing out from them. Try to manage your emotions skillfully.

Honor your own values.

Using Radical Acceptance (about):

Look for legitimacy and understanding within yourself, truthfully and without judgment.

Try to radically accept your feelings, thoughts, or actions as they are.

Respect your own experience with willingness.

Broaden and balance your views on what you are invalidating, putting them in a new context.

Change your response to yourself:

Act like you take yourself seriously.

Acknowledge your normative emotions without judging them.

Identify problematic behavior and try to change it.

Nurture and support yourself or seek support from others.

Show the same compassion for yourself as you would for any human.

Use your wise mind.

Note: Without self-validation, you might criticize yourself, beat yourself up, or feel embarrassment or shame when something happens.You would likely retreat from these emotions and fall into the same self-defeating patterns.

A self-validating pattern after an event might include:

Catching self-invalidation early.

Noticing your emotions and check the facts. Ask “what happened?” or “what would another non-judgmental person feel?’

Watch for more complex emotions like shame, but trust your primary emotions.

Don’t call yourself names like “jerk” or “idiot.”

Identify what you want and respect it.

Identify your vulnerabilities.

Ask yourself if what you’re feeling makes sense or if other people would react similarly.

Actively tell yourself how your emotions, sensations, and wants make sense.

Self-soothe.

Re-engage with your life in the moment as a valid, respected person.

Bottom line: Judging yourself usually leads to shame. If you feel shame, check whether you have violated your values. If you have not, try to stay in your primary emotion. Describe your wants and the situation. Try to allow yourself to just be; notice and describe. If you are still struggling to self-validate, ask yourself how you might treat somebody else and give yourself the same respect.

Your relationships will last longer if you are mindful of the other person.

Observe: 

Pay attention to those around you. Stay curious, attentive, and interested. 

Listen to the other person and practice GIVE even if you aren’t interested in what they’re saying.

Don’t multitask; give your friends your full attention when with them.

Remain in the present. Listen without planning what to say next.

Let go of focusing on yourself.  

Be open and willing to hear new information from the other person.

Notice any judgments you have and let them go. (Nonjudgmental)

Describe: 

Replace judgment with description. Focus on fact, not opinion.

Don’t assume or interpret what others are thinking. Check the facts. Ask questions. Remember that you aren’t a mind reader.

Avoid questioning other’s intentions, unless you’re given factual reason to.

Give other people the benefit of the doubt. Remember: everyone’s doing the best they can.

Participate: 

Interact with the people around you. Full participate.

Go with the flow; let go of control in the conversation.

Remain in the present. Pay close attention to the activity at hand and the conversation taking place. (One-mindfully)

I just started MBT and already I’m learning so much about my BPD.

I realized something about why I engage in splitting/black-and-white thinking. I settle on one extreme—love or hate, catastrophic or fantastic, all or nothing—because there is a sense of certainty that comes with it. And with certain comes stability. And when you have BPD, stability is the very thing we ache for so badly.

Think about it: everything about BPD involves instability. Our mood is unstable, our sense of identity is unstable, our relationships are unstable, everything is unstable. And when everything is in flux, when we can’t find some way to ground ourselves, having a sense of certainty about anything becomes extremely comforting. I may not know who I am, I may not know which people are still part of my life, I may not know what my mood will be like five minutes from now… but at least I know how I feel about this person. Or this situation. Or this scenario.

“I may not know who I am, I may not know which people are still part of my life, I may not know what my mood will be like five minutes from now… but at least I know how I feel about this person. Or this situation. Or this scenario.”

Add to this my lack of sense of self: I don’t know who the hell I am, but at least I know how I feel about this person/thing.

 Acting on your emotion is effective if your feelings fit the facts, and only to the level of which they’re justified. When your emotions don’t fit the facts, or when acting on your emotion won’t be effective, it’s time to act opposite to the emotion. This will help you to change painful emotions. (Read More)

When ANGER is not justified or effective:

Gently avoid the person you’re mad at; don’t attack them. (“I need some space before we continue this conversation.” not the silent treatment.)

Take some time to yourself and practice breathing. Calm your body.

Be kind; don’t be mean to the person.

Imagine understanding: Try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. Imagine the reasons behind their behavior. Maybe try writing a letter in their defense. Practice empathy.

Change your posture: Unclench hands, face palms upward, and relax your fingers. Relax your chest and stomach muscles. Unclench your jaw. Relax your facial muscles and practice half smile.

Change your body chemistry: Do breathing exercises or exercise.

When FEAR is not justified or effective:

Repeatedly do what you’re afraid of doing.

Approach what it is you’re afraid of (events, places, tasks, etc.)

Do things to give you a sense of control over your fears. 

Look and see: Observe the fearful event.

Take in information. (e.g. take notice of being safe)

Change your posture and sound confident: keep your head and eyes up, relax your shoulders, and hold an assertive body posture (e.g. sit up straight, knees apart, hands on hips, heels facing outward)

Change your body chemistry: Do breathing exercises. 

When DISGUST is not justified or effective: 

Move close: eat, drink, stand near, approach what you’re disgusted by.

Be kind to persons you feel contempt for. Walk in their shoes.

Imagine understanding: Try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. Imagine the reasons behind their behavior or appearance. Maybe try writing a letter in their defense. Practice empathy. 

Sense what you’re repulsed by. Inhale, look, touch, listen, taste.

Change your posture: Unclench hands, face palms upward, and relax your fingers. Relax your chest and stomach muscles. Unclench your jaw. Relax your facial muscles and practice half smile.

Change your body chemistry: Do breathing exercises. 

When ENVY is not justified or effective: 

Do not destroy what the other person has.

Make a gratitude list - name things you’re greatful for.

Don’t invalidate any blessings and do not exaggerate deprivations.

Change your posture: Unclench hands, face palms upward, and relax your fingers. Relax your chest and stomach muscles. Unclench your jaw. Relax your facial muscles and practice half smile.

Change your body chemistry: Do breathing exercises. 

When JEALOUSY is not justified or effective:

Let go of control over other people. 

Share the things you love and the people you admire with others.

Don’t spy or snoop. Don’t ask probing questions.

Don’t avoid: Listen to details and focus on sensation. Observe the situation and take in information.

Change your posture: Unclench hands, face palms upward, and relax your fingers. Relax your chest and stomach muscles. Unclench your jaw. Relax your facial muscles and practice half smile.

Change your body chemistry: Do breathing exercises. 

When LOVE is not justified or effective:

Avoid the person, animal, or item that you love.

Distract yourself from thoughts involving the subject. (list of distractions)

Remember why the love isn’t justified. When admiral thoughts enter your mind, remember the cons of loving the subject.

Avoid contact with the subject. Don’t look at pictures, letters, shared places, etc. Don’t go somewhere you know you’ll be reminded of the subject. Don’t follow, wait for, or look for the other person.

Stop expressing love: Don’t express admiral thoughts, even to close friends/family. Be unfriendly toward the subject (unfriend, block, etc).

Adjust your posture and expressions: Don’t lean toward the subject, don’t get close enough to physically touch them, and practice no flirtacious behavior.

When SADNESS is not justified or effective: 

Get active; approach the sadness.

Avoid avoiding. Get things done.

Build mastery: Do things that make you feel capable and confident.

Increase pleasant activity.

Pay attention to the present moment. Be mindful of your surroundings and each moment as it happens.

Change your posture: Keep your head up, your eyes open, and shoulders back. Speak in a perky manner; remain upbeat.

Change your body chemistry: Increase physical movements.

Acting on your emotion is effective if your feelings fit the facts, and only to the level of which they’re justified. When your emotions don’t fit the facts, or when acting on your emotion won’t be effective, it’s time to act opposite to the emotion. This will help you to change painful emotions.

To describe opposite to emotion action, I like to think of a swimming pool in the summer. The water may be freezing cold, but it’s common knowledge that jumping in any way will help your body adjust to the temperature. If you decide not to jump in, you’ll be forced to sit outside the pool and miss out on the fun of swimming.

How to apply Opposite Emotion:

Use mindfulness skills to observe and describe your current emotion.

Ask yourself if the emotion is justified or not. Does it fit the facts?

Don’t suppress your emotion. It’ll only increase suffering in the end. The emotion isn’t the problem; the intensity of it/your possible urges are. 

If your emotion and/or it’s intensity doesn’t fit the facts or isn’t effective, do opposite to emotion action. If it does, turn to the problem-solving skill instead.

Go all the way with opposite to emotion action. Don’t half-ass the skill or it won’t be as effective. This is likely to feel uncomfortable at first and that’s okay. Think back to the swimming pool example. If you were to only stick one foot in, chances are you’ll be colder than you would be if you just jumped. If you jump, you may be cold for a good minute or two, but it’ll fade and eventually you’ll be able to enjoy your swim.

Each emotion has a typical response:

Fear → Run/Avoid

Anger → Attack

Sadness/Depression → Withdraw/Isolate

Guilt/Shame → Hide

Each emotion also has opposite action:

Fear → Do what you’re scared of over and over until it’s no longer scary. Do things that make you feel in control of what you’re afraid of. Build mastery of the task. If overwhelmed, make a list of small steps in the direction of your goal. Do one thing at a time. Do each step all the way.

Anger → Gently avoid the person you’re upset with (”I need some time alone,” not the silent treatment). When away from them, don’t think about why you’re angry. Distract yourself. Do something nice for them. Find sympathy/empathy for the other person rather than blame or fault. Play devil’s advocate and write a letter in the other person’s defense.

Sadness or Depression → Get active. Do things that make you feel capable and worthwhile. Build mastery. Continue doing things that make you happy, even if they don’t work right away. Watch funny shows, listen to upbeat music, take a shower, contribute, etc.

Guilt or Shame → If justified: Make your behavior public to those affected. Make a repair. Apologize and offer to make things better, committing to not repeat the mistake. Accept consequences, let go, and move on. If not justified: Do what makes you feel ashamed or guilty repeatedly until you no longer feel that way. Don’t avoid the action.

Anger:

A significant goal is blocked or an activity you desire is prevented.

You or a loved one is attacked or harmed by others.

You or a loved one is bullied or threatened by others.

The integrity or status of your social group is offended or threatened.

Love:

Loving a person, place, or animal enhances your quality of life.

Loving a person, place, or animal enhances the life of a loved one.

Loving a person, place, or animal supports the achievement of a goal.

Sadness:

You’ve lost someone or something permanently.

A situation doesn’t meet your expectation or desire.

Fear:

Your life or the life of a loved one is threatened.

Your health or the health of a loved one is threatened.

Your well-being or the well-being of a loved one is threatened.

Disgust:

Something you’re touching could poison or contaminate you.

Someone you strongly dislike is touching you or a loved one.

You’re near someone who could harm you or a loved one.

Jealousy:

An important or desired relationship/object is in danger of being damaged or lost.

Someone is threatening to take away a valued object or relationship from your life.

Envy:

Someone else gets or has things you don’t have but want or need.

Shame:

You will be rejected by a person or group you care about if something about yourself or your behavior is made known.

Guilt:

Your behavior violates your own values or moral code.