cats & tenderness

I always want to change the world late at night. All the powerful minds quiet, making space for my ever-growing hopes to flourish, for my everlasting dreams to linger. I wish this feeling was eternal, never-ending. Look at all this potential, don't blink, take it all in. It'll be gone in a minute.

No-one tells you that when your parent dies, life stops making sense. I thought I would be ready when my father's time was up, I thought I would be by his side and I would have had said goodbye. I didn't except a late night phone call telling me it was over. I didn't except to fall to my knees and cry. I didn't want to tell him "See you Monday", catch Covid and not be here Monday, only for him to die on Wednesday. I really thought I'd be with him until his last breath. I should've been here. Now all that's left is emptiness, and me trying to fill my head with anything so I don't break down. Life makes no sense. I should've been here.

I've been having the absolute worst time, I've forced myself to help others until I drained all the energy out of me, I've had no choice but to relive unhealed past trauma, I really just have been so sad about what life has given me. I should be down. I should be done. I should be gone, even. But there are souls so pure on this earth, who have given me so much love without me having to even ask, who look at me with all the tenderness I've always dreamed of. I should live my life for me, but until I learn to love myself again, I do it for them. This is for the people who love me and let me love them. All of me, I give to them.