A Window Into my Mind

Truthfully the most precious thing I have ever had the privilege to repost.

This makes my heart so happy. ❤️❤️❤️

Cassettes had side A and side B, therefore it was kind of logical its successor was the CD.

Periods are canceled for 2018. This year, I don’t want to bleed unless it’s from a wound I earned in honorable combat.

I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.

I’m glad there’s a teacher version of “accidentally called teacher ‘mom’”

when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”

One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”

Yesterday I went to Wendy’s and the girl said “Welcome to McDonalds” and then just sighed

Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered “please open your books to page eight”, and we just kind of stared at each other, blinking.

one time, since I used to work as a daycare teacher with preschoolers, i was on my college campus in my gym, and someone was running in the weight room and tripped over a machine and fell, and instead of offering to help, I just stared and said, “This is why we use our walking feet.” we both sat there for a while until the guy nodded and said, “yeah, okay, i should’ve done that.”

I work in an office and send tens of emails to customers every day. Once my mum asked me to send her a train ticket I had bought for her. I emailed her “Hello mum, as agreed, please find attached the ticked you requested. Thanks, Alex”

i worked as a camp counselor, and i would have the kids tap somewhere on my legs if they needed something because im a pretty tall dude. today asked my cat if he needed something.

I have woken up in a cold sweat saying “is that for here or to go?”

One thing I’ve learned in life, if you act really self-assured and confident you can pretty much get away with anything.

For example, I’ve watched someone walk on to a plane with no passport. Just walked right on.

Once walked out of a dude’s house with a pair of his pants slung over my shoulder. Did all the usual eye-contact, saying-goodbye movements and noises, just… while stealing his pants. He did not notice. 

I told my English teacher that she graded my final paper(I did not turn one in) and that she told me it was well written. She scrambled 3 days trying to find the nonexistent paper, then apologized to me for losing it and gave me a 96%. Confidence is key

my dad’s mate just walked out of a shop with a canoe and didn’t get questioned

Humans are like bees: if they sense you’re an intruder all hell will break loose, but if you get inside the hive they just assume you belong there. Be confident.

Bee confident

This is funny but also true, and a huge tip when traveling. Act like you belong, and you won’t be bothered like other tourists might. Especially on public transportation… do your research ahead of time and look like a disinterested commuter and you’ll blend right in.

Fun Fact about Bees: they use pheromones to communicate and the pheromone to signal ALARM is the same chemical that makes bananas smell like bananas so if you eat a banana and then breathe on a beehive you will regret it and this seemed relevant when i started writing it

Next time you’re on public transport in a foreign country, throw a banana at someone.

too many of u are lactose intolerant get some fucking enzymes god

No one wakes up and decides “ooh I don’t want produce an enzyme today, I want IBSD, and the inability to digest milk fat, and protein” You aren’t edgy because you’re complaining about people with dietary restrictions. No one enjoys this type of life. Read a fucking book, educate yourself, god.

literally the funniest thing ive ever read to this day, thank u queen

wake up america

this is to educate my non-American followers. This really is how the US sees itself. (and yes, 95% of the time, Florida = WHAT?!)

… Please tell me you guys are kidding.  

Florida is like it’s own country I swear

I’m from Florida and I can confirm this. Also, South Florida is basically Miami and alligators.

oh, i always assumed florida was part of The South?

north florida is yes. The rest is not.

I’m from Florida, and grew up in SC/NC. Can confirm all true. 👍

Um. This is so wrong.

This last one is on point

As a Texan, I can confirm this.

Texas isn’t the south Texas is Texas

my parrot is a fucking dumbass with no sense of self-preservation. proof? he got spooked by a pear - by all accounts a green and tasty friend - and flew into a wall to escape, but when greeted with a sink full of soapy boiling water - by all accounts a harmful, bird-killing abyss - he launched himself into it at top speed and cried when I locked him in baby jail to stop him from killing himself. 

Please tell your parrot I still love him.

he just threw his seeds all over the carpet and laughed about it so I will not

A lot of adulthood is shouting “AUGH MY LAUNDRY” hours after you put it in the washer/dryer and running to go fetch it

oh shit my laundry

reblog to save someone’s laundry

this is a companion post to the “don’t forget your made tea and its getting cold” one

also you’re probably cooking something right now