"i was born to tell stories"

2016 October 14 - friday

Today was a LOT but in a good way. Gabriela told me everything she didn’t tell me the past weeks. And from now on there are no more secrets between us.

Cas came to pick me up from work this morning and it felt a bit bad to tell him I was gonna meet up with Gabriela instead. He seemed so excited to do whatever he had planned too..  At least he knows that I like Gabriela already, I was really dreading telling HER about me and him.

This was the first time I was at Gabriela’s place. Her room looks exactly the way you’d expect it to look, lots of flowers and pastels. It even smelt nice. Lacy white curtains, lots of little trinkets. And of course with a very big, neat organized desk. She has a lot of stuffed toys laying around and overall it just looks very cozy. Very cute. She’s good at interior design!

She looked terrible, I felt so bad for leaving her hanging for days, even though she hurt me so bad too. I still care about her, I can’t imagine not caring about her. 

I told her again just how betrayed and confused I felt (but more calmly and nicely this time). Gabriela admitted that what Cas said (about her enjoying pretending to be human) was true. That it’s still hard for her to accept that she’s a vampire and can’t live a human life, even after all these years. That being with me ended up making that feeling stronger, especially because I’d already talk about the future sometimes. Things like kids and travel, things she can’t have anymore.

And honestly.. I get her. I love fantasizing about the future, it’s really exciting to me. So many options, I don’t even know what I want to do with my life yet, aside from wanting to be a parent one day for sure. The idea of that being taken away from me is horrible, that’s my biggest reason why I know I wouldn’t like being a vampire. At this age there’s so much exciting stuff waiting for you as you grow up.

It also made me realise that me and Gabriela can’t have a future together. She can’t have that life with me, she’ll forever be 18 while I keep aging. But it doesn’t make me want to end things or lose interest. But I mean, it just sucks, you know? Knowing she wants that future but can’t have it. I’d rather not dwell on that for now. 

Her being a vampire in itself isn’t a problem at all to me though. Like she acts like I must see her as some kinda monster but I’m just like. No??? Of course not, I can’t even imagine thinking of her like that!! Not even when she went feral, that’s why I didn’t ditch her at the gym! She almost killed me, but right before that she saved me too, even in that state. 

Speaking of, Gabriela told me this was the first time she ever went feral. I asked what it was like and she said she just completely blacked out, like something else took over. Everything that happened between me getting cut and her snapping out of it, is completely blank for her. I wish I could forget about all of that too. I think I’m coping surprisingly well though.

I also brought up again how she starved herself and how I could NOT wrap my mind around that, knowing what could happen. She told me that ever since she was turned, she’s experimented with tapering her feedings a bit, seeing if she could drink less blood and less often. Vampires in town feed twice a month, but she usually only feeds once a month, sometimes a bit longer but she’ll feed when she feels like she has to. Or normally she did. When we met she already hadn’t drank blood for a few weeks and by the time she went feral it had been about 7 weeks, much longer than usual. Much longer than any vampire should go without blood, I imagine. 

I made her promise to me that she wouldn’t starve herself anymore AT ALL. She’ll feed twice a month just like everyone else. Seriously, if I find out she doesn’t.. It’ll really be over. This CAN’T ever happen again.

She said in a way it felt like, after being a vampire for so long without ever having gone feral, it felt like she couldn’t even go feral, she never expected this to happen. She hadn’t ever seen anyone else in that state either. She said looking back she doesn’t understand how she could do something so stupid. That she worried I’d smell or taste it on her. That she felt like if she was pretending to be human in the first place, she should act like it too.

Despite feeling so angry a few days ago, I could only feel bad for her, even more once I learned how she was turned.

Gabriela was turned in 1985, mid December, a bit more than a month after she turned 18. She’s 48 years old. She was in her senior year. She lived with her parents and grandmother and had four younger sisters. Her name is actually Gabriela Adalhard. Descendant of captain Adalhard. Yeah, THAT guy. The most notable vampire hunter in Crimson Beech history. Or even New England history. 

What she told me about her grandmother had been true. But of course the couple she lives with now, aren’t actually her aunt and uncle. The night her grandmother got captured and brought to the Nexus, a group of vampires broke into their home and killed everyone who lived there, except for her youngest sister, Luisa. Gabriela had just been hanging out with her boyfriend and got captured in the garden when she got home that night. When she got to the Nexus, her grandmother was still alive, but badly wounded because Astoria had been torturing her. Gabriela begged her to act her anger out on her instead and to let her grandmother go. 

That’s when Lewyn brought up the idea of turning Gabriela to Astoria in exchange for sparing them, to which Gabriela agreed, obviously. Lewyn treated her grandmother’s wounds but she still died a few days later, after which Gabriela got turned. I didn’t ask further about it, I could tell it was really hard for her to talk about at all. Man, she’s gone through so much.. It hurt to see her in so much pain.

She did mention that two of the vampires she killed last Monday, had also been involved in killing her family. That once she started showing herself outside her room at the Nexus more, they’d sometimes mock her when running into her. Man, what the hell is wrong with some of these vampires?! After learning about that I feel even less bad about their deaths, it only bothers me because it was gruesome and because of Gabriela’s role in it. I really couldn’t get myself to give a fuck about the lives lost. Honestly, even Cas didn’t seem to give a fuck about them when we talked about what happened. And even when I unmasked them, he just seemed frustrated that they were Venandi’s who caused this mess.

Gabriela told me she doesn’t have a prey drive like Cas. Not drinking blood affects her (obviously), though she didn’t elaborate on how, just that she has an easier time controlling herself I guess? So due to that she got to join the Clements.

The past 30 years, before returning to town, she’s been cooped up at the Nexus. She spent a lot of that time sleeping and reading. The town thought her family had been killed in a violent robbery and her little sister, together with her aunt, uncle and cousins, moved away from Crimson Beech. She has no idea what they are up to nowadays or where they even moved to.

Some of our classmates are the children of people Gabriela was friends with back when she was human. She still sees her old friends sometimes, but due to some spell put on her (she doesn’t really know the full details, I’m still wrapping my mind around magic being real??) they don’t recognize her. Man, that’s so fucked up..

After we’d discussed all of that, I decided to tell her about me and Cas, that I think I have feelings for him. That I don’t even know why and how it happened. That I STILL like her, nothing about that has changed, it’s true. But that I felt like I did need to make her aware. I felt like I was gonna throw up for a second, honestly.. like man, imagine throwing what we have away for Cas?? I think if she’d put an end to it I automatically would lose any sort of interest in him because I’d be too upset about what he indirectly caused.. 

But yeah, she didn’t put an end to it. Obviously she wasn’t happy about it but she didn’t get mad or anything either. She said it wasn’t up to her to tell me what I can and can’t do. But she definitely seemed hurt and that made me feel really guilty. Really, if I had a choice this wouldn’t be happening, maybe nothing WILL happen? But I'd rather let her know just in case, I guess? I joked about how embarrassing this was and we could both laugh about it. I dunno, I think know I did the right thing.

Once we’d talked about everything we had to talk about, Gabriela offered to take me to the cemetery again. She showed me her family’s graves. And her own grave too. Now I get why she was in such a hurry to leave last time.. We sat down on a bench and she shared stories about her family. She said it felt good to be able to talk about it, because she hadn’t been able to talk about the full story with anyone in a while. Since it’s hard to talk about family members you’ve known personally, who’ve been dead for 30 years when you’re supposed to be only 18 years old. And it’s uncomfortable to talk about with the few vampire friends she has too.

Afterwards she walked me home and we hugged before departing. A week ago we would’ve kissed. Things definitely are a bit awkward between us right now and might stay like that for a while and that makes me sad, but I guess it makes sense.

I told mom we made up today and she was like ‘oh nice’ but I can tell she’s still pretty pissed about last Monday.. 

I’m free for the weekend and tomorrow she’ll pick me up at 1 PM, though she didn’t tell me what she had planned.. I already texted Cas to let him know I won’t be home so they can’t run into each other or anything.

I’m glad we’re talking again, I missed her.

2016 October 15 - saturday

Well, what I wrote yesterday about ‘things probably staying awkward between us for a while’ can be dismissed because today we fucked for the first time. Fucked feels kinda too vulgar, it was actually very sweet and ROMANTIC!! It was super spontaneous, I hadn’t expected it to happen this soon but I feel good great about it!

Gabriela took me into the forest today where we met up with her vampire friends! Made me very happy because it feels like she’s truly letting me in now! I’d seen her with them a few times at school but that’s about it, they never sat with us or anything. They’re all Clements of course: Shiloh, Nicole and Harrison (Harrison is the guy who almost hit me with a ball on my first day and Jill’s twin brother, (which means Jill is a vampire too??? I only just made the link as I wrote it down, holy shit, that’s TWO vampire co-workers already)). I hadn’t really talked to any of them before. Me and Nicole are in art class together and me and Harrison in history class, but that’s about it. They were all really nice to me! 

They said Gabriela never takes her human friends to Clement hangouts. I asked if they’d hide their powers or if they do tell people sometimes and just keep it secret. They said that vampires do tell sometimes, but with coven permission and it’s this whole thing where, if they react badly, they might get executed for it. I asked if they didn’t feel weird about that, but Gabriela motioned at me to shut up, so I left it at that. Shiloh said that the covens really can’t and won’t risk a situation like with the hunters again. I was like ‘oh but I mean, you guys are so nice, I’m sure people would understand that you mean no harm?’ I’m pretty sure all of them have human friends too, after all. But Shiloh said when vampires like the Venandi’s exist, the humans will likely always lump all vampires in with that kind to play it safe. I guess it makes sense, initially I also felt like ALL vampires meant bad news.. Though that was partly due to how Lewyn treated me, otherwise I might’ve thought of the Clements as the Good Vampires or whatever. Harrison said that this way they probably spare more lives on both sides, these executions very rarely happen. Nicole said it was probably always a very hard decision for Lewyn when a human had to be executed. Oh yeah I’m sure. Gabriela looked at me again like ‘please keep your mouth shut’. 

Usually they do something more adventurous together, but because of me we just took a walk through the forest. I asked if they didn’t mind me holding them back but they said it was fine. They’re all way older than me and Gabriela. Nicole and Harrison have been together for 70 years, which is crazy to hear from two people who look and act like teenagers. Though once you know, you start noticing they’re different, though I might just be imagining it, I have no idea. Shiloh is even older than that, he has been around since the time before the Vampires found out about the ley lines and when the vampires were still being hunted. Okay it does sound pretty horrifying when described by someone who was literally there. There are more leylines all over the world, but usually there’s only one coven per leyline. They credit Lewyn for handling the hunter problem and seem to really look up to him.. 

After a while we departed and while we were walking back to town, Gabriela told me how despite everything, they all took her under their wing after she’d been turned. That despite the way she talked to them like they were monsters, in her grief and anger, they still wanted to try and bring her some comfort. And eventually they all did become friends and they’d made the past decades in the Nexus way more bearable for her. I’m really happy she has them, I can’t imagine how hard especially her first years as a vampire must’ve been.. 

I was kinda taken aback by how positively they thought about Lewyn, they didn’t seem like the types who’d think it’s okay how he treats me. Gabriela reminded me that they don’t know the full story. That it’s not like Lewyn goes mask off in front of a coven that’s supposed to trust and respect him. That even she previously felt more positively about him and that she’s been seeing him in a different light ever since I came into the picture. She never really imagined Lewyn turned her to hurt her and he’s always treated her kindly throughout the past decades.

After that we dropped the serious talk and just talked about like, school and work stuff as we made our way to my place.

This is where the afternoon turned into some kinda hallmark movie: It started raining and quickly got way worse. Like I didn’t know it could pour like that, holy shit! We ran to my house, both laughing, Gabriela took my hand and pulled me along while she boosted us a little with her speed. I THINK she did at least. It somehow feels really nice to have her use her powers around me. Like yes, don’t be ashamed please, you’re amazing. 

We were just gonna dry off in my room but the mood shifted when we got undressed and we started making out. I think it just kinda exploded out like ‘man I’m so glad I have you back!!!’ (Which is so dramatic, I guess, cuz it’s only been a few days..). We got more handsy and I checked in for a sec like ‘Ok can I take this further? Do you want me to?’ and she said yes, obviously! I (I guess) kinda unsexily interrupted the moment to go wash my hands first, I guess it wouldn’t even matter on a vampire but the idea of fingering someone with unwashed hands after being out all day is just gross to me. And it also gave me a chance to tell her first like ‘ok this is just a thing for me but I’m keeping my boxers on and please don’t touch my junk at all until I give the ok someday.’ Not that I expected any differently, but she was understanding of that. I’m still on my period anyway but it’s good to get it out of the way for the future. I’m not sure if that’ll be needed though, I really feel so at ease with her, but I’d rather wait until I feel like I actually want it, rather than just allow it, you know?

Oh I’m so so so crazy about her. She’s just perfect. I still can’t believe I’d ever get a girl like her. I can’t believe she felt like I might not like her anymore if I knew she's a vampire. It almost felt like a way to make it up to her, I feel so guilty about Cas. Maybe if it was someone else I wouldn’t, but like out of all possible people it’s gotta be HIM.. 

I wanted to make her feel like I obviously still like her so much. That I think she’s like the hottest girl in town. That NOTHING has changed! So she wouldn’t be able to doubt any of that. Of course it wasn’t perfect, I’m still so careful with her, constantly asking if this or that is okay, getting to know her and what she likes. But that’s so exciting! We made out a lot and it felt so intimate and romantic. Different than it’s ever felt before! I think because of the timing after we both worried about what would happen after Monday, it was extremely cathartic.

By the time my mom got home we were already done and just cuddling in my bed. Mom made it kinda awkward when we got downstairs, like such a big difference from usual when she’s all cheerful and asking if she’ll stay for dinner and all that. I already mentally prepared Gabriela for that at least. Mom’s still mad over her acting like she’d drop me off at home on time and then not following through. She says she thinks Gabriela is ‘fake’. 

At the end of each month I'll make a post where people can submit works for the event

Everyone can submit one fic and/or one misc. work (think of art, collages, playlists, edits, answers to ask games, info posts, literally anything). My reasoning for this is that for the last event most people submitted fics and I'd like to encourage other stuff too + I think this is also nice for people who don't have much time to read.

I'll make a masterlist each month and tag all the participants in it. I'm thinking of either organizing them by word count or by username, because I'd like to encourage people to also interact with people/books they usually don't.

Everyone who signs up has to reblog at least 40% of the entries. So for example if 10 people join and 15 works are submitted, everyone has to reblog at least 6 posts. I feel like this way people might feel less overwhelmed by the amount and might get burned out less quickly. I'm not sure if 40% is a good number though, so definitely let me know if you think it should be less or more.

I will be more strict about people not following through, if someone hasn't participated by week 2 I will send a dm to check in with them. If anything comes up that makes it so you can't really participate anymore and you haven't participated yet, you can also just let me know and I'll take you off the list.

If I had to check in with someone and they said they were still planning to participate, yet haven't done so by the end of the month, they won't be eligible for the next events. If someone wants to be able to join again, they'll have to participate one month by interacting with works but not submitting their own works. Does this make sense?

I also really like the idea of being able to submit other people's works, I'm unsure how I want to implement this though + how I'd do it (because I don't want the list to get too long). I'll make a poll but you can also just let me know what you think otherwise.

I'm also aware that due to the 40% rule, there might be people who are overlooked. I'm unsure if I should try and do something to still encourage people to interact with this persons work + how to do this.

2016 October 11 - tuesday

Last night was hell. Like worse than that night it all started. Someone had left the mask one of the Venandi’s that attacked me had worn in my bed. Well surely that’s a message. There’s definitely more vampires that want me gone. I’m so shaken up, man! Like this is the second time someone breaks into my room, I don’t feel safe in my own fucking house.. 

Of course I couldn’t sleep at all after that. I ended up asking mom if I could sleep in her bed (and also apologized for blowing up on her) but still. It did feel better to at least be with her.

I got up at 5, probably slept two hours or something. Marian took me apart when I showed up at work. She said she sees no point in pretending like we didn’t see each other last night. And that she’s glad to see me in one piece. She thinks I’m just shaken up from the trial (I don’t think I should talk about the mask to anyone but Cas and Gab). 

Cas had remembered my schedule this week and showed up 15 minutes before my shift was over. Weirdly sweet.. Marian didn’t seem very happy to have him in her shop though.. It made me feel 

I told him about the mask, he seems just as alarmed as I am. Cas is convinced it can’t be another Venandi (despite everything that happened last night?).. well I’m not so sure about that but who knows. Obviously not all Clements are the human-lovers they portray themselves as either. Just look at Lewyn.

He did admit that the vampire that got her head crushed last night could be identified by her tattoo’s and turned out to be a Venandi too. 

I asked Cas where we were going and he told me he wanted me to meet someone. And that yesterday had made him realise he shouldn’t hide anything from me anymore either. We ended up going to the area with the benches behind the school, now empty because of the break. The guy who’d also been with him at the party was there. The guy I’d assumed was the other killer that night. (Turns out I was right)

His name is Seth and he’s actually really shy, sweet and polite, nothing like Cas. He’s the youngest Venandi and he only started reintegrating back into society a few months ago, during the summer break. He lives with Cas and is his ‘foster brother’. He was turned in 1998, at age 16. That's crazy, he’s like both older and younger than me, in a way! After being a vampire for so long he should be safe for humans to be around. Emphasis on ‘should’, I guess, since he still ended up attacking Abigail.

Astoria assigned Cas as Seth’s mentor a few years ago in an attempt to teach him some responsibility and prepare him for his reintegration. And Cas really is very protective over him, to the point where he’s willing to take the blame when he fucks up.

Cas assured me he isn’t dangerous. Seth has a hard time with hunting, but his prey drive still made him end up with the Venandi’s. Seth says he doesn’t like hurting animals and flat out refuses to hunt humans. Generally Venandi’s hunt in packs every two weeks and share one big prey together, making it so he can let someone else do the actual killing. However sometimes everyone just catches a smaller prey for themselves, which was the case that night. Seth failed to catch anything and only came clean about this to Cas a week later, who had taken him hunting after the party to catch up. I guess he didn’t know how badly he needed the blood. Obviously things had gone completely wrong. Abigail already had a fresh cut on her leg when they stumbled upon her, triggering Seth’s bloodlust. All I could think about was how easily something like that could have happened to Gabriela..

Seth seems really fucked up over it all and said he’d learned his lesson. Well, I wonder how many more other vampires in this town are basically landmines waiting to explode.. But I do believe him. I’m not scared of him. And it’s a lot harder to be mad at him, considering he shows remorse.

Once the heavy stuff was out of the way we hung out for a bit, which was nice. I really like Seth, I understand why Cas would feel so protective over him. After a while they wanted to get going and asked if I wanted to tag along but I took a raincheck since I barely slept last night. 

I napped til I was called down for dinner and watched tv with mom all night. Not a super eventful day in the end, I guess, but it was nice spending time together!

Because Seth was with us, me and Cas didn’t talk about last night at all, I’m not sure if I even want to (yet?) anyway. But things didn’t feel weird or awkward so there’s that.

2016 October 12 - wednesday

Woke up feeling like garbage because I got my period, but decided to tough it out and go to work anyway. When I walked in, Ben just immediately was like ‘absolutely not!’ but I insisted and once the painkillers kicked in it was doable anyway. Daniel is also pretty good at distracting me so that definitely helped. I was still very glad when my shift was over though, Daniel paid for some cookies and brownies for me to take home so that was really sweet of him! 

I ran into Cas on my way home (or more like he was probably waiting for me since he knows my route home) and told him today I’d definitely not be able to go do anything adventurous or whatever cuz I didn’t feel well. He said he’d just come home with me then. I was secretly pretty grateful for that, I just really don’t like being alone right now.

While we were walking home, Cas told me he worries Seth would be executed if Astoria deems him out of control, even if it was a one time thing, because staying secret is so important to the vampires.. I can tell he cares a lot about Seth and knowing the full story does put things in a different light to SOME degree, maybe? It’s insane when Cas is all like ‘ooh we Venandi’s look out for each other, we’re a family’ when at the same time they’d execute their own people and torture them and stuff. Dude seems brainwashed as hell. But yeah, HE obviously cares a lot about his coven.

When we went into my room, I told Cas to take his clothes off if he wanted to sit on my bed. Immediately regretted it when he got this big smirk on his face. I think 3 weeks ago he would’ve done that too, though. But 3 weeks ago I couldn’t even imagine ever taking him into my room to hang out together. (I also just realised he left still wearing the shirt I’d given him. Well I still have his too though. Maybe I’ll just keep it, I like Mercyful Fate too. I wonder if it was on purpose, at this point we’re sharing closets haha). 

He showed me some werewolf movie from the 70s called ‘Claws’. I seriously hadn’t ever heard about it! It sucked but he already told me beforehand that it wouldn’t be a good movie, we still had a lot of fun though. We both laughed a lot at the terrible special effects and acting, I think right now I’m more in the mood for something like that anyway. I’m already kinda living in a horror movie right now. And even realistic fictional gore just kinda hits differently now, especially after Monday. Man, I hope this bullshit isn’t for real gonna ruin horror for me.

Afterwards we just talked about movies and stuff like that, nothing special, really. I had a good time! It was nice to hang out like this, like just watching a movie together instead of climbing a building or jumping off a cliff. Just hanging out like two normal human teens would. Ever since Monday something has definitely shifted, like he’s been so sweet to me.. I’d been worrying a bit that he’d start moving faster after I kissed him Monday. But it hasn’t been like that. Sure, we sat really close together today, but nothing that went over my boundaries. Well I mean, it was only a kiss on his cheek anyway, maybe I’m making it into something bigger than it really is.

We already agreed to go into the forest tomorrow (if I’m feeling better at least, but most of the time I do) after I mentioned wanting to run again under the influence of vampire blood. So that’s what we’re doing tomorrow!

I called with Joy today, it fucking sucks that I can’t tell her the complete truth. So I keep having to come up with some other story, but it’s so hard! When I can’t sleep I just spend the night fabricating cover up stories in my head and getting used to them so I won’t slip up. I ended up telling her Gabriela had lied about something, but it was pretty private so I wouldn’t get into it more. Not really a lie! And told her I’ve been hanging out more with Cas ever since. I haven’t told her about the kiss because I honestly don’t WANT to talk to anyone about it. No, not even Joy. I’d rather just figure it out for myself first, I guess.

It’s been weird just not talking to Gabriela at all. I’m already getting withdrawal symptoms. I don’t think the time is right yet to face her. But man do I miss her. She’s been such a constant presence in my life these past weeks.. But because of that it only hurts even more that she lied to me and put me in danger. Like I thought she cared about me, but then why would she do that?

2016 October 13 - thursday

Libby stopped by the coffee shop today and asked if something had happened between me and Gabriela after the Autumn festival, because she hadn’t heard from either of us all week. And Gabriela apparently acted off during her shift yesterday, but pretended like nothing was wrong when asked about it, of course. I didn’t really have time to chat and told her yes but that it was between us. She asked if it had anything to do with Cas, ugh. Monday I already felt like she really didn’t like it when I left with him for a bit and I guess now she thinks I’m cheating or whatever!! I mean it isn’t even cheating anyway, it’s not like we’re in a fucking committed relationship or whatever? GOD!! And it sucks even more that that really wasn’t the reason, but it’s not like I can fucking tell anyone about that so!! I guess now I look like the asshole, great!

After that I had another two hours to go and I even messed up some orders because I honestly just felt so bad. I wish she hadn’t confronted me during my shift. But okay whatever, I get that she’s protective over her friend. And I’m still the new girl so of course everyone picks Gabriela’s side.

Cas came to pick me up again after my shift and we went straight into the forest after stopping by my place for a bit so I could eat and change.

He took me all the way to the edge of the ley lines. Now that I’m aware of them, it’s so obvious! It’s autumn now so the trees don’t look too different, except there really aren’t any green trees in Crimson Beech. The colours are different too, brighter, almost like they glow. And it’s also just way colder outside the leylines right now! Crazy! I don’t even have to wear a jacket in town right now.

He let me bite him again, it got less messy this time, I just broke the skin and licked off the first drops. I learned my lesson last time, maybe I can slowly work up though.. Once the blood had kicked in and his wound had closed up, we raced each other. We never got a winner though, because it was cut short when I ran into a tree. Which then fell down, somehow. I think we probably laughed for three minutes straight, it was so funny, I really wish I could tell Joy about these kinda moments! 

After that I jokingly lifted up the tree and tried to hit him with it. Which somehow led to both of us playfighting. We both really got into it, no way I’m letting that annoying motherfucker win, so I gave him a hard time. But he didn't go easy on me either (And I don’t want him to). We went at it for so long, tackling each other and rolling over the ground. We were both covered in leaves and dirt but I didn’t care. At some point I had him pinned down by his wrists and I told him to surrender already. Instead he kissed my cheek and because of the total surprise he could overpower me again! And he won because I was just so like ‘okay what did he just do’. I had to keep myself I almost But worst of all, I almost kissed him back (on his lips). Like, I liked it. Okay. Yeah I guess I like Cas like that. Shit! 

Okay I don’t even care if I’m bisexual after all, nothing wrong with that, even though it’s still like. I don’t know. I don’t understand, I guess? I’ve been digging through my memories if I’ve maybe ever had a crush on a guy and maybe just not realised? But no. But he’s also way prettier But this still feels like, okay damn why am I even thinking so much about this when me and my moms lives are LITERALLY on the line. Why do I care!!! 

When we walked back home I thought of bringing up last Monday, but I couldn’t get myself to do it. I really really need to tell Gabriela about this before anything more happens. What if I just feel this way because I miss Gabriela? And I miss the intimacy from the past weeks or something? I don’t know. I mean he couldn’t replace her, they’re so different. And I don’t WANT to replace her! I hope she won’t be hurt or anything..