"i was born to tell stories"

2016 October 11 - tuesday

Last night was hell. Like worse than that night it all started. Someone had left the mask one of the Venandi’s that attacked me had worn in my bed. Well surely that’s a message. There’s definitely more vampires that want me gone. I’m so shaken up, man! Like this is the second time someone breaks into my room, I don’t feel safe in my own fucking house.. 

Of course I couldn’t sleep at all after that. I ended up asking mom if I could sleep in her bed (and also apologized for blowing up on her) but still. It did feel better to at least be with her.

I got up at 5, probably slept two hours or something. Marian took me apart when I showed up at work. She said she sees no point in pretending like we didn’t see each other last night. And that she’s glad to see me in one piece. She thinks I’m just shaken up from the trial (I don’t think I should talk about the mask to anyone but Cas and Gab). 

Cas had remembered my schedule this week and showed up 15 minutes before my shift was over. Weirdly sweet.. Marian didn’t seem very happy to have him in her shop though.. It made me feel 

I told him about the mask, he seems just as alarmed as I am. Cas is convinced it can’t be another Venandi (despite everything that happened last night?).. well I’m not so sure about that but who knows. Obviously not all Clements are the human-lovers they portray themselves as either. Just look at Lewyn.

He did admit that the vampire that got her head crushed last night could be identified by her tattoo’s and turned out to be a Venandi too. 

I asked Cas where we were going and he told me he wanted me to meet someone. And that yesterday had made him realise he shouldn’t hide anything from me anymore either. We ended up going to the area with the benches behind the school, now empty because of the break. The guy who’d also been with him at the party was there. The guy I’d assumed was the other killer that night. (Turns out I was right)

His name is Seth and he’s actually really shy, sweet and polite, nothing like Cas. He’s the youngest Venandi and he only started reintegrating back into society a few months ago, during the summer break. He lives with Cas and is his ‘foster brother’. He was turned in 1998, at age 16. That's crazy, he’s like both older and younger than me, in a way! After being a vampire for so long he should be safe for humans to be around. Emphasis on ‘should’, I guess, since he still ended up attacking Abigail.

Astoria assigned Cas as Seth’s mentor a few years ago in an attempt to teach him some responsibility and prepare him for his reintegration. And Cas really is very protective over him, to the point where he’s willing to take the blame when he fucks up.

Cas assured me he isn’t dangerous. Seth has a hard time with hunting, but his prey drive still made him end up with the Venandi’s. Seth says he doesn’t like hurting animals and flat out refuses to hunt humans. Generally Venandi’s hunt in packs every two weeks and share one big prey together, making it so he can let someone else do the actual killing. However sometimes everyone just catches a smaller prey for themselves, which was the case that night. Seth failed to catch anything and only came clean about this to Cas a week later, who had taken him hunting after the party to catch up. I guess he didn’t know how badly he needed the blood. Obviously things had gone completely wrong. Abigail already had a fresh cut on her leg when they stumbled upon her, triggering Seth’s bloodlust. All I could think about was how easily something like that could have happened to Gabriela..

Seth seems really fucked up over it all and said he’d learned his lesson. Well, I wonder how many more other vampires in this town are basically landmines waiting to explode.. But I do believe him. I’m not scared of him. And it’s a lot harder to be mad at him, considering he shows remorse.

Once the heavy stuff was out of the way we hung out for a bit, which was nice. I really like Seth, I understand why Cas would feel so protective over him. After a while they wanted to get going and asked if I wanted to tag along but I took a raincheck since I barely slept last night. 

I napped til I was called down for dinner and watched tv with mom all night. Not a super eventful day in the end, I guess, but it was nice spending time together!

Because Seth was with us, me and Cas didn’t talk about last night at all, I’m not sure if I even want to (yet?) anyway. But things didn’t feel weird or awkward so there’s that.

2016 October 12 - wednesday

Woke up feeling like garbage because I got my period, but decided to tough it out and go to work anyway. When I walked in, Ben just immediately was like ‘absolutely not!’ but I insisted and once the painkillers kicked in it was doable anyway. Daniel is also pretty good at distracting me so that definitely helped. I was still very glad when my shift was over though, Daniel paid for some cookies and brownies for me to take home so that was really sweet of him! 

I ran into Cas on my way home (or more like he was probably waiting for me since he knows my route home) and told him today I’d definitely not be able to go do anything adventurous or whatever cuz I didn’t feel well. He said he’d just come home with me then. I was secretly pretty grateful for that, I just really don’t like being alone right now.

While we were walking home, Cas told me he worries Seth would be executed if Astoria deems him out of control, even if it was a one time thing, because staying secret is so important to the vampires.. I can tell he cares a lot about Seth and knowing the full story does put things in a different light to SOME degree, maybe? It’s insane when Cas is all like ‘ooh we Venandi’s look out for each other, we’re a family’ when at the same time they’d execute their own people and torture them and stuff. Dude seems brainwashed as hell. But yeah, HE obviously cares a lot about his coven.

When we went into my room, I told Cas to take his clothes off if he wanted to sit on my bed. Immediately regretted it when he got this big smirk on his face. I think 3 weeks ago he would’ve done that too, though. But 3 weeks ago I couldn’t even imagine ever taking him into my room to hang out together. (I also just realised he left still wearing the shirt I’d given him. Well I still have his too though. Maybe I’ll just keep it, I like Mercyful Fate too. I wonder if it was on purpose, at this point we’re sharing closets haha). 

He showed me some werewolf movie from the 70s called ‘Claws’. I seriously hadn’t ever heard about it! It sucked but he already told me beforehand that it wouldn’t be a good movie, we still had a lot of fun though. We both laughed a lot at the terrible special effects and acting, I think right now I’m more in the mood for something like that anyway. I’m already kinda living in a horror movie right now. And even realistic fictional gore just kinda hits differently now, especially after Monday. Man, I hope this bullshit isn’t for real gonna ruin horror for me.

Afterwards we just talked about movies and stuff like that, nothing special, really. I had a good time! It was nice to hang out like this, like just watching a movie together instead of climbing a building or jumping off a cliff. Just hanging out like two normal human teens would. Ever since Monday something has definitely shifted, like he’s been so sweet to me.. I’d been worrying a bit that he’d start moving faster after I kissed him Monday. But it hasn’t been like that. Sure, we sat really close together today, but nothing that went over my boundaries. Well I mean, it was only a kiss on his cheek anyway, maybe I’m making it into something bigger than it really is.

We already agreed to go into the forest tomorrow (if I’m feeling better at least, but most of the time I do) after I mentioned wanting to run again under the influence of vampire blood. So that’s what we’re doing tomorrow!

I called with Joy today, it fucking sucks that I can’t tell her the complete truth. So I keep having to come up with some other story, but it’s so hard! When I can’t sleep I just spend the night fabricating cover up stories in my head and getting used to them so I won’t slip up. I ended up telling her Gabriela had lied about something, but it was pretty private so I wouldn’t get into it more. Not really a lie! And told her I’ve been hanging out more with Cas ever since. I haven’t told her about the kiss because I honestly don’t WANT to talk to anyone about it. No, not even Joy. I’d rather just figure it out for myself first, I guess.

It’s been weird just not talking to Gabriela at all. I’m already getting withdrawal symptoms. I don’t think the time is right yet to face her. But man do I miss her. She’s been such a constant presence in my life these past weeks.. But because of that it only hurts even more that she lied to me and put me in danger. Like I thought she cared about me, but then why would she do that?

2016 October 13 - thursday

Libby stopped by the coffee shop today and asked if something had happened between me and Gabriela after the Autumn festival, because she hadn’t heard from either of us all week. And Gabriela apparently acted off during her shift yesterday, but pretended like nothing was wrong when asked about it, of course. I didn’t really have time to chat and told her yes but that it was between us. She asked if it had anything to do with Cas, ugh. Monday I already felt like she really didn’t like it when I left with him for a bit and I guess now she thinks I’m cheating or whatever!! I mean it isn’t even cheating anyway, it’s not like we’re in a fucking committed relationship or whatever? GOD!! And it sucks even more that that really wasn’t the reason, but it’s not like I can fucking tell anyone about that so!! I guess now I look like the asshole, great!

After that I had another two hours to go and I even messed up some orders because I honestly just felt so bad. I wish she hadn’t confronted me during my shift. But okay whatever, I get that she’s protective over her friend. And I’m still the new girl so of course everyone picks Gabriela’s side.

Cas came to pick me up again after my shift and we went straight into the forest after stopping by my place for a bit so I could eat and change.

He took me all the way to the edge of the ley lines. Now that I’m aware of them, it’s so obvious! It’s autumn now so the trees don’t look too different, except there really aren’t any green trees in Crimson Beech. The colours are different too, brighter, almost like they glow. And it’s also just way colder outside the leylines right now! Crazy! I don’t even have to wear a jacket in town right now.

He let me bite him again, it got less messy this time, I just broke the skin and licked off the first drops. I learned my lesson last time, maybe I can slowly work up though.. Once the blood had kicked in and his wound had closed up, we raced each other. We never got a winner though, because it was cut short when I ran into a tree. Which then fell down, somehow. I think we probably laughed for three minutes straight, it was so funny, I really wish I could tell Joy about these kinda moments! 

After that I jokingly lifted up the tree and tried to hit him with it. Which somehow led to both of us playfighting. We both really got into it, no way I’m letting that annoying motherfucker win, so I gave him a hard time. But he didn't go easy on me either (And I don’t want him to). We went at it for so long, tackling each other and rolling over the ground. We were both covered in leaves and dirt but I didn’t care. At some point I had him pinned down by his wrists and I told him to surrender already. Instead he kissed my cheek and because of the total surprise he could overpower me again! And he won because I was just so like ‘okay what did he just do’. I had to keep myself I almost But worst of all, I almost kissed him back (on his lips). Like, I liked it. Okay. Yeah I guess I like Cas like that. Shit! 

Okay I don’t even care if I’m bisexual after all, nothing wrong with that, even though it’s still like. I don’t know. I don’t understand, I guess? I’ve been digging through my memories if I’ve maybe ever had a crush on a guy and maybe just not realised? But no. But he’s also way prettier But this still feels like, okay damn why am I even thinking so much about this when me and my moms lives are LITERALLY on the line. Why do I care!!! 

When we walked back home I thought of bringing up last Monday, but I couldn’t get myself to do it. I really really need to tell Gabriela about this before anything more happens. What if I just feel this way because I miss Gabriela? And I miss the intimacy from the past weeks or something? I don’t know. I mean he couldn’t replace her, they’re so different. And I don’t WANT to replace her! I hope she won’t be hurt or anything.. 

2016 October 10 - monday

So much happened tonight, today was a complete disaster! FUCK Gabriela Rivera for real this time, the biggest fucking liar I have ever met in my entire life! 

It turns out she’s a vampire AND a liar. I can’t believe I’m even saying it, she’s a VAMPIRE and I had no idea. I almost died tonight because SHE tried to KILL me!! I survived another Nexus trial AND I think I have feelings for Cas. My brain is melting!!!

Gabriela came to pick me up this morning, mom asked her to bring me home by ten, Gabriela said in that case make it 9:50. 

Well, she wasn’t the one who walked me home and on top of that it was like almost 3 hours later than that. Mom obviously no longer likes Gabriela, she’d been worried sick because in all the chaos I’d forgotten to text her that I’d be home later until it was already later than 10.

Most of the day was great, we spent a lot of time with our friends, I tried a lot of food, I won like 6 plushies for Gabriela and we had so much fun! I was so happy! Gabriela was so excited to show me around.. You know, I believe all of that was genuine. That’s really not the problem.

After a while we ran into Cas. He said Astoria had sent him to check if we were behaving, (yeah, sure). Gabriela told him not to ruin our date and he mentioned that he’d been hanging out with me too, the past weeks. And I started feeling like they were playing tug-of-war with me again. 

I took Cas away for a bit while Gabriela stayed with the rest and told him to leave if he was just gonna try to ruin our day. I joked about him being jealous and won a little stuffed toy that I gave to him. At the time it was just a joke like ‘I guess you feel neglected. There, I’ve given you attention, now scram.’ But I guess maybe he really was a bit jealous. I really had no idea.

I got a text from Gabriela that everyone was gonna go on the ferris wheel and met her there to take a ride together. It was really fun, especially the forest is beautiful from so high in the sky.. Once we were really high up, I asked her where she had her first kiss. She pointed at the park close to school and told me it was with a boy named Haru. At that time I wondered if he went to our school, but I guess if anything, Haru’s kids or grandkids might be our classmates. Who knows how old she is..  

Gabriela also pointed out all her favourite spots in town and where she’d like to take me to.. Things she was still going to show me.. We kissed and yeah, everything was great. Literally in that moment I was thinking about how lucky I felt to have found her. It all feels so tainted now.

When we got off the ride, Gabriela said she’d run home real quick to drop the bag with all the plushies off, so she didn’t have to drag that around all night. Aiden and Jade had ran off together and Libby also ran into some guy and left with him, so I was left on my own. I waited for her on a bench, but after a while I noticed a lot of people walking towards the woods, so I texted her where I’d meet her and followed the crowd. 

They all went to this huuuuge beech tree that had been decorated for the festival. People were climbing up on ladders and hanging up pieces of paper onto the lower branches. A lady saw me looking all confused, I guess, and told me they do this every year. It's called the ritual of good fortune or something? She gave me a piece of paper and a pen and told me to write a wish on it and hang it up. I’m pretty sure it’s the same tree as the one mentioned in that journal me and Gabriela read through together. Supposedly the strength from all the wishes would assure that the trees don’t lose their leaves for the rest of the year. After I hung up my wish (protect my loved ones) and got down again, I noticed something shiny in the grass: another talisman! I’d planned to ask Cas about it, but I ended up using it already this night. Gabriela called it a silver ward talisman when I showed it after everything went down. When you push the gem in the middle, a cloud of silver shoots out. I can actually hurt vampires with this thing.

As I was leaving to return to my spot, a group of three masked vampires ambushed me. I barely had time to even process what the fuck was happening. They brought me to the gym at school. I did manage to hurt one of them with the silver key Gabriela gave me though, but it obviously wasn’t enough to fight them off. Not much later Gabriela also entered the gym. I yelled at her to leave, thinking they were gonna kill us both. Instead one of the vampires cut my arm and pushed me towards her. And when I looked at her I saw her eyes were silver. I didn’t even process it right away, I genuinely thought they’d just turned her or something?? Like I couldn’t fathom that she’d just been lying to me all this time! 

She didn’t look back at me with any recognition and that’s when I knew she was not, like, ‘there’ anymore. I slapped her in the face, hoping that would snap her out of it and in her confusion she did come by a little for a bit and attacked the other three vampires instead. While she was distracted, I texted Cas that he had to come to the gym asap and prayed to like every possible god in existence that he’d read it and show up in time.

And then I started helping her, putting my talismans to use. In hindsight I could've just left the gym and gotten as far away as I could, but it’s still Gabriela. And even as I’m writing this, I care about her and don’t want her to get hurt. And I’m SO glad she didn’t get hurt! Not physically hurt at least. 

It was fucking crazy seeing her like that, like the amount of damage and violence she could cause in maybe only like three minutes? Immediately they all turned on Gabriela instead and from behind her I used the disorientation talisman to blind them and buy her a bit of time. While they were still recovering, she just grabbed the closest one and tore their throat out. And mind you, this didn’t even kill them, so for a bit they just laid on the floor making these agonised gurgling noises.. 

Then another one jumped Gabriela and they started fighting, they moved SO fast I could barely even make out what was happening. While that was happening, I doused the other one in silver from my new talisman. It was such a risk, like I didn’t even know what it’d do! I could hear their skin SIZZLING as they writhed on the floor, this shit really really hurts them! It bought us enough time for Gabriela to finish the other one off by staking them with a piece of wood from the floor. 

The vampire I’d just doused in silver had gotten up again (I guess the mask protected them from the worst of it) and attacked her, after which they started fighting, too.

By then I noticed that the first one still wasn’t dead and just laid there, gargling on their own blood, I guess. And I don’t know WHY I thought that would do anything, but I jumped on their head because I thought I could just crush it like that (I couldn’t). Instead they grabbed my leg and I fell on the ground, right next to them. I shouted her name and Gabriela threw the other vampire to the side, they hit the wall so hard there was a crack in it. (Astoria’s really lucky we’re on break right now because otherwise I’d have no idea how she was gonna hide the damage left behind). 

It barely took a second for Gabriela to reach us and she crushed their head with her foot. She made it look so easy. It was like 4 inches from my face. It was the most disgusting, brutal thing I’ve ever seen in real life. I heard their skull crack open and one of their eyeballs popped out of the mask, which also broke in two as Gabriela stomped on it. Their head was just a mess of minced meat and broken bone after that.

I was still looking at the crushed head and trying not to barf when I heard Gabriela rip off the head of the last standing vampire. And when I looked at her, she was just standing there, their head in her hands and covered in everyone’s blood. And now her eyes were on me again.

It’s so fucking crazy to see someone you’ve grown so fond of in just a few weeks, someone who’s, so far, only looked at you with affection, someone you’ve shared a bed with and KISSED, look at you like you’re fucking prey. I can’t even describe it but it was somehow more disturbing than those three mutilated bodies surrounding us in that moment. 

I backed away while begging her to please not kill me. That it was me, that she didn’t want to do this. I knew I had the silver ward talisman, but I still couldn’t get myself to hurt her. 

Thank god that’s when Cas entered the gym and tackled her right when she leaped for me. He seemed so worried and angry. He kept her pinned to the floor while she struggled against him. He told me to get as far away as I could, that she’d gone feral. Something that happens when a vampire is starving and is exposed to blood. I just stood there, shaking like a fucking leaf, I couldn’t believe what had just happened. There was just no way.

Cas asked me to unmask all of the dead vampires (well, the ones that still had faces), who turned out to be Venandi’s. Not surprising I guess. I stripped a piece of fabric off a robe, because I was bleeding very badly. And Gabriela started coming by after that. Cas still warned me to stay away. She started crying when she took the scene in. And honestly I did feel so bad for her. Despite everything it kinda broke me to see her in so much distress.

That’s when Astoria and some other vampires entered the gym and took us to the Nexus. They didn’t even bother to knock me out before taking me there this time. Astoria was PISSED but I don’t remember a thing she said on the way to the Nexus. BECAUSE I didn’t get knocked out I was so sure she was 100% for sure gonna execute me anyway. 

Once we got there, I got brought to some sort of infirmary where a vampire lady stitched up my arm while they brought both Cas and Gabriela to the dungeons deeper into the Nexus. Once she was done she wished me good luck for my trial and one of the vampires who’d been with Astoria led me to the dungeons. On my way there we passed Marian and I KNOW she saw me. I’m super glad that she now knows that I know she’s a vampire, though I wonder if she’s gonna pretend otherwise. And if she’ll still be so nice to me.

I was relieved to find Cas and even Gabriela still in the dungeons too. Immediately I started screaming at Gabriela about how she lied to me for WEEKS. And she reacted like I was scaring her. And then I calmed down already, seeing her like that. I still care so much about her. I feel so much right now, I’m angry at her but I also feel bad for her. I wanna punch her and scream at her and I wanna embrace her and tell her it’s okay. I know that wasn’t her but FUCK. 

Cas was SO pissed! Like okay, tonight proved that he actually cares about me. A lot. Like he was SO angry at Gabriela for putting me in danger this whole time by not drinking blood. That’s honestly what fucked me up the most too, like it wasn’t even just ME who was put in danger but also all our friends, my mom, the kids at the hospital??? Every human in town, really??? If all it took for her to go feral was just a sudden cut like that?? Some blood??? What if my mom had cut her finger when she was cooking for us last week? Or Aiden or Jade last Friday? Like it just feels like.. if you care about me, then why would you put me in danger like that? Honestly, even if she didn’t, WHY would you put people in danger like that?

Gabriela said she’d been tapering her feedings, trying to last longer and longer without blood. I angrily asked Cas if he knew about this and he said he didn’t. He hadn’t expected she’d do something this stupid. That her lying about being human was funny to him (fucking asshole) because he felt it had to come out eventually, but obviously not like THIS. But obviously those other Venandi’s did know. Or assumed it, I guess. 

She very obviously hates being a vampire and thinks vampires are unnatural monsters. I definitely think there’s a lot going on there, but I’m just so fucked up over how she put me in danger, how she lied to me, so damn easily over the past couple of weeks?? I feel like an idiot. Like I’ve been bringing up the future already sometimes and she just played along, I feel so embarrassed.

I asked why she didn’t just tell me. And if she really thought I wouldn’t accept her like that?? If she’d just told me before any of this could’ve happened I would’ve been fine with it. Her being a vampire is really no issue to me.

She claimed that Lewyn told her not to. And also that she’d been assigned to watch me ever since my first trial!! Cas said she just pretends to be human just because she can’t accept what she is. And that she probably liked roleplaying as a human with me. Gabriela wanted to argue back, but I cut her off because I felt like our biggest problem was the upcoming trial. And we were wasting our time by arguing. 

Gabriela said that she wished she could take a look at the bylaws in the Chamber of Laws, a part of the Nexus where they keep these texts, among other things. And figure out a way for all of us to get out unscathed. Cas offered to break us out of our cell and we snuck past Clyde to get there. Of course Cas knows how to pick locks.

Luckily it wasn’t too far from the dungeons and Cas carried me so they could run at full speed. We had to go through a huuuge library before reaching the Chamber Of Laws, what I’d give to have a look at that collection..

Once we got there we all worked together to find something that could save our asses. Pretty quickly Gabriela found something that was relevant for all of us. I looked around a bit, I wish I’d had more time but oh well. There was this mural that depicted two vampires being cast out of Crimson Beech. A man who turned his lover into a vampire to save her life. It’s against the rules to turn someone without the coven’s permission. An offense punished with banishment.  

I asked why banishment was such a cruel fate, since vampires could walk in the sun anyway. Gabriela explained that Crimson Beech was founded on ley lines, underground sources of power that give vampires the ability to walk in the sun. Outside the ley lines vampires will get sun poisoning when they’re out in the sun for too long, so they’d have to hide during the day. 

That’s when I realised, that time I took Gabriela out of town, that’s why she got so sick! I could’ve killed her! Cas thought it was hilarious but I feel a bit bad. Even if it’s her fault for not being honest with me! God I almost killed her..

We managed to get back without being caught. I was up first, this time only principal Yao, Lewyn and some elders were there. They were reeeaaaallly pissed, my talisman was burning against my wrist like crazy, like it actually left a mark. I explained what happened and how they attacked me within town borders, most of all! Honestly all of this is so fucking stupid anyway, I didn’tget myself into that situation? in the end the elders decided to let me go again. 

However Lewyn did inform me that mom’s been digging deeper and deeper into the cases. And for some reason I, her 18 year old daughter who’s in highschool, must somehow deter her. Instead of her fucking boss. Even Lewyn seems eager to just get rid of us. Astoria threatened she’d kill me and my mom if I failed. And he steps in like ‘Oh no, Astoria! We’ll kill them.’ With that terrible smile on his face. Fucking villain.

After my trial Cas and Gabriela were up. They both managed to convince the covens not to punish them with the brand (I think if they’d gotten branded, the covens would’ve made me watch, Astoria literally already had it with her) and when we were done they escorted me out. I was panicking due to what Lewyn had just told me and they comforted me, promising to help me protect my mom.

Gabriela and Cas both offered to walk me home. Gabriela said she could explain herself more on the way home. But I turned her down and said I needed some time away from her, feeling myself get angry all over again now that I wasn’t worrying about being put down anymore. I promised I’ll let her know when I feel ready. I know I will in a few days. I felt a pang of guilt when I asked Cas to walk me home instead, even worse when the asshole shoulderchecked her right after. Gabriela looked awful, I KNOW she must feel horrible, I just don’t wanna hear her out until I’ve had a few days to cool down. Like I want to fix this, I hope we can. But I gotta be in the right mindset for that.

On our way to my house Cas said he needed to come clean about something. And I’m just like ‘God damnit not YOU too!’ But he wanted to tell me that he actually doesn’t hunt humans that often at all, since vampires can feed from all animals. Most of the time they just run into some deer or an elk and feed off those. The Clements also drink bagged blood that’s been collected at the local slaughterhouse. Human blood is ‘better’ though, keeps the thirst for blood away for longer and stuff, apparently.

Cas told me a lot of vampires have a prey-drive, here in Crimson Beech that’s often the thing that determines which coven you’ll end up in. If he doesn’t hunt he said he ‘starts feeling and acting crazy’ after a while. He admitted that when he and his hunting party do run into humans in the woods, they do go for it though. There are some Venandi’s who stick to animals, but he’s not one of them. I asked when he last killed a human and he said around 10 years ago. That they tend to hunt far away enough from towns that they don’t really run into any people. Ugh I just hate the idea of it.. Also now I’m realizing HOW OLD IS HE??? I genuinely thought he’d maybe have been turned a year ago or something, but obviously not if he was already a vamp 10 years ago.. 

I ended up wanting to change the subject, so I asked about what he was like when he was still human himself. And then his mood immediately just dropped and I could tell he was annoyed with me for asking again. He said he’d rather forget and when I asked further he said he was weak and alone back then and now he’s not. I didn’t ask further, I won’t for now. Obviously he didn’t have an easy life. 

I also wanted to know when he last had a human friend and he said he hasn’t had any since turning. That it’d just make things weird, that humans didn’t interest him like that anyway  and that he’s not interested in having to hide what he is. I asked if he’d like me more if I was a vampire and he said I’m pretty okay like this. But also that I’m like a half-vampire already anyway with how much blood I drink.

Cas suggested taking me to the ice cream parlour since it was still open this late. I’d texted mom earlier when we left the Nexus that I’d get home later so she knew I was okay. So I was like.. ok fuck it, why not. I could use it honestly.

Because I said I eat literally everything, he wanted to try and come up with a combo even I’d find disgusting. Well apparently rosewater flavoured ice cream is a thing and it’s NOT good. I really didn’t know ice cream could be disgusting. He tried it too and then couldn’t stop gagging for like a whole minute or something. I thought he was gonna barf all over the table. Cas told me he rarely ever eats human food anymore because he doesn’t have to and doesn’t like most of it either. That’s craaazy to me, I love food!!

We had fun though.. It was nice after everything that happened tonight, Cas is good at distracting me when I need it. After torturing ourselves with the ice cream from hell, I got us two scoops of vanilla ice cream, which we shared. Cas mentioned having worked at an ice cream parlor himself at some point when he was human and we ended up talking about jobs we’ve had and stuff. I also told him about my current job. Was a good idea anyway so he won’t show up at our house on a Saturday when I’m not home yet. Eventually the scooper guy kicked us out because the shop was closing, but we probably could’ve sat there for hours otherwise.

As we were walking to my house, Cas put an arm around me. And I leaned in. And that’s when it dawned upon me. I like him. I think. Maybe? I can’t, right?? I don’t like men like that. Maybe it’s the trauma talking?? Just latching onto the person who makes me feel safest right now. HE MAKES ME FEEL SAFE??? CAS??? Jesus Christ. Maybe I fell on my head earlier, or something. 

When we got to my house Cas pulled me into an awkward hug. He said he just wanted to make sure I’m safe, after everything that went down tonight when I was like ‘um where did that come from?’ He mentioned something about wanting to make sure I ‘didn’t make it into something it’s not’, and very obviously gave me the opportunity to kiss him if I wanted. And on impulse I kissed his cheek. I don’t know, WHYYY DID I DO THAT?? I feel like I just cheated or something. Is it just because I’m mad at Gabriela? 

To be fair it didn’t start tonight, I think. When I bit him it might’ve kinda turned me on, if I’m honest with myself.. But I didn’t really know what to make of that.. maybe it was the blood doing something to me.. I just decided that had to be it probably. That vampire blood could have an arousing effect. I’ve NEVER been into a guy! Like yeah I can see he’s pretty but that shouldn’t have to mean I wanna fuck him?? But right then? I could’ve. I thought I’d just move on, didn't really want to think about it. And felt like I didn’t have to. But I guess I should.

Ugh I’m so confused, what if it’s really just the trauma?? I was gonna ask Gabriela to be my girlfriend tonight.. I know it’s just a kiss on the cheek, it’s not that big of a deal I guess!! But the thing is that I DO want to see where things could go with Cas. I can’t believe I’m even saying that!! At the ice cream parlor I was also just thinking about how nice this was and how I’d like to do this more often with him. I keep fantasizing about what he’d be like in a relationship, I want to bring out his soft side holy shit this is DISGUSTING what the fuck is wrong with me!! 

I still like Gabriela. Yeah I’m pissed at her and I just feel really betrayed and embarrassed, but in the end it doesn’t undo how I feel about her. I can’t imagine NOT liking her.. I know I’m gonna start missing her within a few days. And I think I will come clean about the stuff with Cas.. man I hope THAT won’t cause me to lose her instead. Sometimes I also just kinda forget that most people want to be the only person you have eyes for..

After I kissed him I hurried inside. Mom was waiting for me in the kitchen, she was PISSED. Not just at me, but also at Gabriela, especially because she could hear I got home with a guy. I told her me and Gabriela got into a fight and Cas took me to get ice cream to cheer me up. Didn’t feel like as bad of a lie, since there’s some truths scattered in there too.. But I can tell she doesn’t completely buy it. She tried to dig more and I angrily went upstairs.. God I hate what this vampire bullshit is doing to our relationship..