Day 500 of me being obsessed with Immortal Desires

2016 September 24 - saturday

I guess it’s just gonna become a thing that Cas picks me up every Saturday. Though I was surprised to even see him after last Tuesday. This was the first time I saw him since our fight, I haven’t seen him at school at all ever since. Today he just acted like nothing happened and I decided not to bring it up anymore (for now) either.

We went into the forest again, of course. I told Cas I wanted to know more about how vampire healing works. Since I’ve noticed that any injuries he gets, go away pretty fast. And he takes out his knife again and tells me to cut his arm, ‘cause why not just show me’. So I did. It was kinda cathartic, I can’t believe he just let me do that! But as I watched the cut close up almost immediately, I got why he was so nonchalant about it in the first place.. I didn’t know it’d be that fast! I don’t know but there’s just something about watching it heal up like that, that’s so cool to me.. Like real life special effects or something. I’m just so fascinated by how vampire bodies work.

I asked him if it hurt and he said it only stung a little bit. He compared it to what being scratched feels like for humans. So obviously they have way higher pain tolerance too! That makes sense I guess. I asked if I could keep going and he just let me.. I ended up carving bigger shapes and words (and my name! hehe) into his arm and stuff, I kinda had fun. Though it felt kinda gross too because all his brand scars are a bit raised and it just feels kinda weird cutting through them. The deeper I cut, the longer it took to heal. He seemed so proud of himself or something, like he always does when he shows me his abilities. There’s something endearing about I wonder what would happen if a vampire lost an arm or something. Or if their guts spilled out, like how would that heal? What if they lost a tooth or an eye?? Would it grow back? 

I really should note down all the questions I have, because I often just kinda forget in the moment. I did finally think to ask Cas if werewolves exist too though! He said he hadn’t ever heard anything about them but he wouldn’t really be surprised if they existed either. I asked what other supernaturals do exist for sure, but he had no idea. He didn’t seem to really care either.

Cas said that since he let me use him as a cutting board, I should do something for him too. And ok my heart sank like… Is he gonna ask to drink my blood??? (or even worse: just take it), because no way in hell will I let him do that. But then he said he just wanted to go for a swim in the lake again, but without giving me any blood this time. I thought he was gonna be a complete cunt about it or something now that I was a lot weaker than him and stuff.. But he was surprisingly gentle with me.. like I had fun. Like he still annoyed me by making waves at me and swimming too fast for me to keep up and stuff, but he didn’t hurt me. (I would’ve had more fun if he’d given me blood though, but I’m not gonna nag him about it..)

While we dried off I thought of asking him how often he killed humans. But I’m still not sure if I want to know. Am I just sticking my head in the sand? I don’t know, I can’t help but feel disappointed in myself, for just hanging out with someone like him as if he doesn’t regularly just end the lives of people with hopes and dreams and families.. And just like it’s nothing. Like I remember him saying he does this all the time. He seems uncomfortable talking about that night, but I think that’s more to protect his friend.. But also his reaction earlier this week makes me feel like he DOES have a bit of a conscience.. 

I skyped with Joy while trying to do my homework tonight and filled her in on everything. Minus the crazy supernatural stuff of course. But like about the job and stuff. And Cas and Gabriela. I managed to somehow talk Cas into sending me a picture of himself for Joy (where he sticks up his middle finger though, of course). And Joy thinks he’s cute. BAAAARF!! Okay he isn’t ugly at all I guess. If I was into guys he would probably be the kind of guy I’d be into, since he doesn’t look boring at least. And if he wasn’t a murdering cannibal and all that. Joy asked if she could have him, since I didn’t want him. I told her she could do muchhh better. Joy asked why we even hang out if I don’t like him. I don’t even know, I mean I can’t tell her about the blood and stuff, obviously.

2016 September 25 - sunday

I was so bored this morning, even though I could’ve worked on my homework I guess. But instead I decided to text Gabriela to ask if she’d like to go for a ride with me.

I picked her up around 1 pm and decided to surprise her and take her to Redport since I’m getting bored of just always staying in town. I thought maybe we could’ve stopped by the beach, now that it’s not that cold yet.

On the way we passed that castle too, so I asked her about it, of course. Or well, Gabriela corrected me and said it’s actually a small fort and NOT a castle. All she knows is that it belonged to the vampire hunters and this one was used as a retreat safe from vampires and to store weapons. There’s some more forts deeper into the forest, one of them is bigger and that one’s where they kept and tortured the vampires they captured so they wouldn’t be like right in town. I asked if we could go there sometime, but Gabriela told me it’d be a bad idea.

But then after we’d been driving for about 10 minutes, I looked over at her and she looked like she was about to keel over or something. She said she thought she got her period, so I immediately turned around, of course. Oh man, I thought my periods were bad.. like she got all flushed and sweaty and she was shivering really bad when just a few minutes before she was completely fine. I offered to come with her, but she really didn’t want me to, maybe she doesn’t like me seeing her like that? I mean I get it but I don’t think she’s weak for it or anything. 

After I dropped her off I stopped by that little convenience store next to the bookstore and got her some snacks, since she did that for me last time too. When I stopped by her house to drop them off, her aunt opened the door. Something about her was kinda weird like, I dunno I can’t put my finger on it, I mean, she seemed nice? But okay yeah, I don’t know. Like I get she’s not her mom, I’m just used to my friends’ parents showing more interest in who their kid’s hanging out with, I guess? Maybe they’re just not that close. I can tell she doesn’t ever really want to hang out at her place, I just don’t really wanna pry.. Is that bad? I dunno. I figured if she wants to talk, she’ll bring it up, right? 

2016 September 27 - tuesday

I had my first day at work! Obviously I still need to get the hang of things, but I think it helps that they don’t have like 5 million drinks on the menu, like at some other places. Most of the time it’s pretty quiet, but every now and then there’s a big surge of customers, which made me understand why the extra help was welcome. Another girl from school, Missy, was also working today. She’s in my English, Algebra and Spanish classes, though I didn’t really know her until today, though she stood out to me cuz she’s really pretty. She seemed really nice so far! She didn’t mind helping me when I needed it. And so did my boss, her name is Marian. She’s really nice in general! I dunno but for some reason I feel so relieved to finally have met a vampire who’s friendly. She kinda has the same vibes as Lisa, maybe that’s why I really want her to like me and I already liked her right away too.

I’m still super behind on my schoolwork, but Gabriela said she’d help me try and tackle most of it next Sunday! 

2016 September 29 - Thursday

Survived my second day at work! I’m still feeling very good about the job. Today I worked with Jill and Benjamin. 

Jill’s in my History, Economics and Algebra classes but I hadn’t really talked to her before besides borrowing a pen from her and telling her I liked some pins on her backpack. She was really nice though and she suggested walking to work together each Thursday since we both have fixed schedules. We chatted about music and movies we like and stuff, I could see us becoming friends!

Benjamin’s older than us (like in his 20s?) and I’m not sure what to think of him. Like he was nice and very patient with teaching me stuff (and a good teacher too) but he just gave me weird vibes, like it didn’t feel genuine or something I guess? I dunno maybe it’s just paranoia from the past weeks, like I’m definitely just always on my guard more. And like, people disliking me right off the bat isn’t necessarily a new thing to begin with.. He’s just like, very serious, maybe it’s just that? I don’t know.

2016 September 30 - Friday

Today was very uneventful, I kinda embarrassed myself in history class because I wasn’t paying attention and then got asked a question in front of everyone. But like if that’s the worst thing that happens on a day I’m honestly happy, with everything going on.

Me and Gabriela hung out at the park after school, the weather’s still so nice! I really love hanging out with her, no matter what we do.

2016 September 19 - monday

Me and Gabriela went to the library after school and she helped me catch up on a lot of work. I finally understand all of the stuff I struggled with in Algebra and Economics. Well not completely but enough to get a C on my exams I guess. I feel so lucky to have her, she’s so smart and patient with me. If I don’t get something she just tries to figure out different ways to explain it to me until I do and she doesn’t make me feel stupid for it either. 

Afterwards we dropped by Crimson Coffee, that coffee shop I always pass on my way to school. Before we left I asked if they were hiring and the lady behind the counter gave me an e-mail address I could send my resume to.

I really need a job again and I liked the place, so I mean, why not? I still got enough saved up I guess, but now that I’m not earning any money I don’t really wanna spend much either. And with the autumn festival coming up I really wanna be able to give Gabriela a great day! I can tell she’s really looking forward to it too! 

Working at a coffee shop seems pretty fun and it wasn’t terribly busy while we were there. And I know I can deal with busy anyway! It was often busy at Sicilia (well that feels like an understatement). I don’t know, I just don’t wanna work as a waitress again I guess. But first I gotta see if they even want me anyway, I guess, since I have basically no experience making coffee.. But it’s worth a try.

2016 September 20 - tuesday

I ran into Cas on my way home and he tagged along. I’m still fucked up and angry after reading about Abigail last weekend. And decided to tell him about her too, to remind him she was a PERSON!

He ended up getting really pissed off. He said that ‘I made it weird’ like fucking what??? Like as if I’m an asshole for telling him about the person he killed??? He’s fucking insane!! I wonder if vampirism just melts the whole empathy part of your brain or whatever, like how can you BE like that??? And then he just disappeared. Just left me standing there, shouting into the void like some fucking idiot.. I guess we won’t be hanging out anymore, which is good actually, because I shouldn’t hang out with someone like him in the first place! And I don’t want to anyway! 

On a more positive note, I already got an email back that I can come in for an interview on Thursday. I didn’t expect it to be that fast, but I’m not complaining.

2016 September 21 - wednesday

I promised mom I’d visit her at work sometime after school this week and surprised her with takeout (I have yet to find a restaurant I don’t like in town, which isn’t great for my wallet, so let’s hope I get the job). 

I asked about the case and while they’re closing Abigail’s case and calling it an animal attack, she clearly suspects something fishy’s going on.. AND APPARENTLY CALLED A FUCKING MEETING WITH THE SHERRIFF?? Please!!! Why does she have to make this so hard!! I told her to stop digging but clearly she also thinks it’s weird that I’m suddenly so interested in what she’s up to and telling her what to do. She started getting annoyed and dropped it on me that apparently she’d gotten a call from school because I’d left the autumn festival meeting last week and she’s had a feeling I’ve been going into the woods, despite my promise to her. I did tell her the truth, (as far as I could at least). That Cas convinced me to leave with him and that me and him have gone into the woods twice now. She’s not happy about it but I feel like knowing I’m not alone reassured her a little. I guess it is good that mom likes Cas after all. Though that’s over now, so I probably won’t be going into the woods anymore anyway (good). I left after we finished our food. 

While walking past the children’s ward I thought I heard Gabriela singing, so I decided to go take a look (imagine if I’m just so down bad I’m hearing things now) and yup! She’s a volunteer at the pediatric ward. She can sing and play guitar too?? That’s so hot??? AND she’s good with kids!!! I hit the fucking jackpot, seriously. As if I couldn’t be any crazier about her.

I decided to join to listen, the kids were all so sweet, I hope they’ll all be okay.. They wanted me to join in and sing for them too. Well until I opened my mouth and actually sang cuz then they begged me to stop instead haha. Gabriela was so good with them and it was so cute seeing her with the kids and just making up little songs on the spot with them. She’d be such a good mo And she’s genuinely just really good at it, I’m so amazed honestly..

Of course eventually the moment got ruined though. Lewyn (I found out that’s how you actually spell his name, oops!) was at the nurses station and when he noticed us, he just like stared in our direction like a fucking creep. Like he doesn’t even give a fuck when you notice and make eye contact, he just keeps staring anyway. He honestly unsettles me more than principal Yao does, despite her being the one who literally eats people. Meanwhile I just don’t know what his deal is. Thinking back to what my mom had just told me, I started internally spiralling like crazy, like oh my god we’re FUCKED.. Gabriela (and some kids, I feel terrible) picked up on it and she decided to leave early with me. I feel so bad that I couldn’t just pull myself together because the kids really didn’t want her to leave yet..

Gabriela thought I needed a distraction and decided this would be our 2nd date, if I wanted. Um yes of course???!!! No need to even ask at this point.

She took me to the arcade, Libby was working today and very excited to see us together. I could tell Gabriela was very much holding back when we played games together. Until I called her out on it and then she kept absolutely smoking me. Well, I guess we’ll just have to go on more arcade dates so I can practise until I can finally beat her. We shared some fries afterwards. Gabriela said she had another place she wanted to take me to on the way home.

And then took me to a cemetery. She said it’s one of her favourite places in town. A girl after my own heart. Seriously though, Crimson Beech’s cemetery is very beautiful, I bet mom would love it too! She said since I’m so interested in all the vampire stuff and town history, she wanted to take me there to show me something. Apparently a lot of graves are empty! Vampires don’t age, but obviously they can’t just stay in town forever because people would notice that they don’t age. So at some point most vamps fake their own death (Or just pretend to move away and stuff like that, faking your death is so dramatic though, I love it) and then hide in the Nexus for a few decades. That sounds awful! Imagine having to live underground and not seeing the sun for DECADES? I would rather die for real. Not even the coolest powers would make that worth it. We both joked around imagining what Lewyn and Principal Yao could’ve been like in the past. She showed me whose graves belonged to certain people in town. The postman is a vampire! And the owner of the coffee shop, yes that coffee shop! I asked Gabriela if she knew if she’s a Venandi or Clement and at least she’s the latter. Well I’m not sure if Venandi’s would even want to work in a coffee shop anyway. Too much interaction with those lame humans.

After a while Gabriela decided we should get going, since it was getting late. I could’ve probably spent another hour there, I dunno, it came kinda out of nowhere but she said we shouldn’t linger so long around the vampire graves together. And I guess she’s right. Like I really can tell that people are keeping an eye on me, I can feel the stares when I walk alone through town, some hide it better than others. Some obviously want to scare me. It sucks because this is really just fascinating to me.

Emma made a new group chat last week since Juliet kicked Mikki, Cam and me off the team chat because we’re no longer part of the team (rolling my eyes..). I’ve been trying to stay in touch but it’s definitely hard, all our old chats always died off, so I expected the same to happen this time. But I guess it’s different now since we don’t see each other in person anymore. Either way, it’s just nice to at least have a place to talk together, no one really expects anyone to text every day. Mikki rarely uses her phone anyway so she’s said like five things so far? And she and Cam seem a lot busier now anyway. But today we all skyped to catch up a bit! Mikki was with Cam, they both go to UIC now and have been hanging out a lot together. We all updated each other on what’s been going on in our lives. Well, I told them the stuff I could be honest about at least. Emma asked about the murders, I was like ‘let’s just talk about anything but that.’ 

Cam brought up maybe all meeting up sometime next summer, me and mom will probably fly back to Chicago anyway for a few weeks.. It was really nice catching up a bit with everyone again. Cam said she has some classes with Devin and Maja, I haven’t heard from them and Lara at all since moving. But I can’t say I’m surprised anyway. And I haven’t really made any effort either, to be honest. I think it’s fine like this.

I’m nervous about the interview tomorrow, but oh well, I’ll see how it goes! 

2016 September 22 - thursday

I had my interview today, it went pretty well I think? It didn't seem much of a problem that I don’t have much experience making coffee yet, the owner said she likes my enthusiasm. She seemed really nice, honestly! I mean vampires really are just people too, in the end. I guess it’s not fair to assume they’ll be weird or rude just based on that. I guess it’s just that a lot of vampires I’ve met so far have treated me like I’m lesser than them just for being human.

Gabriela, Libby, Aiden and Jade waited for me while I was getting interviewed, so they could either comfort me if I messed up or celebrate with me if it went well. Well celebrating felt a bit much since I don’t even know if I got the job. We went to get milkshakes and we had a great time! I didn’t realise how much I’ve missed being part of a group like this. The team would sometimes hang out after practice, but I wouldn’t say we were friends I guess, besides Cam, Mikki and Emma. And that was still different cuz we didn’t hang out much at school since we all had separate friend groups. 

We all left around 5:30 because Libby had to go to work and Aiden and Jade needed to get ready for band practice. I just kinda wanted to be alone with Gabriela for a bit longer and asked if she had time to watch a movie at my house or something. I gave her some of my clothes to wear so we could lay in my bed. It always does something for me to see girls in my clothes.. especially when they’re so much smaller than me. I didn’t even have ulterior motives, me and Joy did this all the time, but in hindsight I feel real smart anyway. Because we cuddled up together and it was so nice having her in my arms and she smells sooo good too. I barely paid attention to the movie. I was only thinking about her, I can’t believe someone like her would even be interested in me like that. 

When the movie was over we still just laid there together in silence, but it wasn’t awkward at all. And then I asked if I could kiss her and she kissed me!!! HOLY SHIT!!! And it was good!!! She’s a good kisser!!! She uses flavoured lipgloss, isn’t that SO cute??? 

Buuut then my mom ruined the moment, because she got home and called for me downstairs. Gabriela jumped up and changed back into her own clothes fast enough she probably set a record. Poor Gabriela haha.. Mom was just like ‘Oh good I’ve been wanting to meet you!’ when we got downstairs while she still looked all flustered. Of course mom asked if she’d stay for dinner. I have a feeling any other time she’d have said yes haha.

Instead I suggested to take Bram for a walk and drop Gabriela off at home while mom made dinner. I teased her a bit about it but also told her like. My mom’s really chill so like it’s all whatever. Gabriela said her aunt and uncle wouldn’t mind either. I hope soon she won’t feel so embarrassed anymore so she can also really just relax at my place. When I dropped her off she gave me a little peck again (on the lips).

Oh man this is going so fast suddenly.. Are we girlfriends now? I mean that’s definitely a convo we need to have now, right? I dunno, I don't wanna come off too strong I guess?? This is so different from how it’s ever gone in the past. I’m not sure I want to put a label on it yet. I mean I’m crazy about her, like REALLY crazy. Insane. Bonkers! Never been this absolutely mega fucking ultra crazy about a girl before. But I also just really care about her as a friend and the whole friendship we are developing, that’s important too. And I don’t wanna jump into anything I guess? Cause we haven’t known each other for that long yet. Even though it feels like we have. But I don’t wanna friendzone her or whatever! I wanna kiss her like 1000 times more. And then another 100 times just because. I’m on cloud 9 but I’m also SO fucking scared!!

I skyped with Joy and she’s so excited for me! I’m glad it doesn't make her sad since she and Simon broke up recently.. I definitely wasn’t that mature when she’d moved away and almost immediately got with him while I was having a shit time at school. Well I didn’t like him anyway, he was boring and I think Joy deserves someone who’s as cool as her.

2016 September 23 - friday

I got the job!! I’ll start next week on Tuesday! I only just saw the email, so I haven’t told anyone yet, I’m about to head to bed. I’m SO surprised at how fast this has gone?? I mean, I’m not complaining though.

During our break today, me and Gabriela sat apart from the rest and talked about the kiss and like. Ok what are we, y'know? We both want to see where this goes but agreed to not stick a label on it yet. I could tell she was also relieved that I’m in no rush to put a name on it yet.

Today wasn’t very eventful otherwise, I took a ride after school again and drove past that castle thing again. Which reminded me I should ask Gabriela about that! I’d like to take her for a ride out of town sometime anyway, there’s a lot to do in Redport and it’s only like 25 minutes away. 

River was born v overdue so Ripley was soo over it by th time River was born lol. Like she just wanted 2 see n hold her baby u kno, so she also didn't rly expect 2 'miss' it or anything. But then she was still a bit sad I think, like it kicking in more in tht moment tht tht's a chapter that's closed now? Esp bc Ripley has always been v sure River wld b her only kid. Plus she's so used 2 always being Together w River it's also just weird 2 be away from her for the first time ever (even tho she's only a room away rly).