God nerfed me

People who are making posts telling us what is happening over on threads, twitter, and Instagram are like war correspondents sending us reports from the front.

can't wait to say "during pride month?" at every minor inconvenience all of next month

8 hours of decent sleep will have you thinking things like 'i am a beautiful horse and i will never die'

2 hours of bad sleep will have you thinking things like 'i am a stranded whale and i need to be covered in dynamite in an ill-advised attempt to clear the beach'

complimented a womans clear raincoat this morning and she said Well i feel like a sandwich

I would have said clit if I was her

you keep your clitoris in a plastic bag?

if you vote me for president i vow to make everything the ocean again. no more land only ocean. this will solve all of our problems and replace them with new, far more interesting problems

“Why are you scared of dating” I’m not scared of dating, I just haven’t found anyone’s company to be more enjoyable than my own. And also I don’t care

I just don't want anyone to steal my very cursed amulet

Also the amulet

Is that you talking? Or the amulet? Are you SURE a new hand doesn't want to touch the beacon?

The amulet and I are not currently looking for a third

sometimes older people get annoyed when i say "no problem" instead of "you're welcome" but the truth is it's literally not a problem

and sometimes you're not welcome

you should get a second evening for reading fan fiction. And you should get an extra day in the week to do arts and crafts.

add me to your discord server so I can do the online equivalent of arriving at a party saying hi to the people I know then standing awkwardly in the corner for the rest of the night

sources say there are muscles in the back of my neck. and they want to kill me

btw it's so fucking stupid you can be anxious physically in your body even after you've decided mentally you don't care. I'm supposed to be in charge here

i love you semicolon. no one look at my 80 word sentence

Anyone else notice the tumblr app being really glitchy

You'll have to go somewhere else, little boy. This is no place for you.