caseywond3r

So the other two in my group are used to my antics by now. We’re all friends, so the pair of them decide that the one guy in our group gets to be the nurse. Now, my Juliet and I have been friends for a couple months by this point, so I decide to be a little more dramatic.

We put Juliet on a spinny chair, and pump it up as tall as it goes, and my baby, closeted lesbian ass crouches on the floor, ready to be as melodramatic as possible. Like, I’m about to do a rendition that makes William himself walk into the class and tell me to take it back a notch or twelve.

And then I look up.

And holy shit.

There she is, Juliet, haloed in the worst fluorescent light known to mortals across the globe. Light just streaming down around her, that weird off-green colour that it always is. And she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. My little gay soul is barely holding on as the words barely leave my lips, breathlessly. “But soft… what light from yonder window breaks?”

And Juliet was the sun. Romeo was not exaggerating that line at all.

He had been at the Cottage for a grand total of three hours now, ready to start his relaxing holiday. Hell, the groceries he had bought hadn't even been moved from the stack of bags on the island counter where they had been placed haphazardly.

Shane had meant to deal with that as soon as possible but unfortunately, very foreseen circumstances had distracted him from his task and sent him running outside and into the chaos.

Opening his contacts, he flicked down to a very familiar number and pressed the call button, shooting an annoyed look towards the dining room table as he raised it to his ear.

The phone rang three times before it was answered with a soft hello.

"Hi Janice, it's Shane." He said, his tone curt, his eyes not leaving the scene before him.

He listened for a moment, hearing the reply.

"Yes, the holiday just started. We arrived today actually." He continued.

There was another pause. And then….

"I don't want to know who won the bet. I just wanted to let you know, it happened again."

Another pause.

"No. Not a Bear this time, thankfully. You don't need to send everyone out here. Just Marcel will do."

Silence for a moment as Shane listened. And then….

"A baby loon actually."

Quickly he raised a hand to stop an argument coming from the dining area.

"Yeah, he thought it was an injured duck."

Silence and then.

"Ok. Thank you Janice. We will wait for Marcel to arrive. Hopefully he hasn't named it this time."

Then Shane hung up the phone, his head dropping so he could stare at the device intently.

Taking a deep breath through his nose, he held it for a few seconds before slowly releasing it through his mouth.

Then he again raised his head to glare at the table. Where Ilya sat, mud splattered and cradling a thick towel to his chest. At his feet, equally mud splattered, her tail wagging, sat Anya. Thank God she was well trained enough not to start running through the place. As Shane stared, a small and incredibly ugly head popped out of the folds of fabric, looking around in confusion.

"You can't keep it, Ilya." He said pointedly.

Ilya threw him a disappointed look, his grip on the towel tightening.

"But Katya looked so cold and scared outside." He argued. "I couldn't just leave her. Not my fault she turned out to be an ugly, stupid wolf bird. Besides, Anya bonded with her."

Shane groaned and dropped his head to meet the cool stone counter.

"Ilya, God Dammit!"

-

❌ False

✅ True

I’m in my mid-thirties and I have never had sex. I’ve thought about it and could have had one or two opportunities if I put in more effort, but I always decided against it because I just wasn’t into it at the time.

I can safely say that I do not feel I have missed out on anything. I was perfectly capable, by myself, of learning about my own body and boundaries without anyone else there to muddy the waters. The immense pressure that was there in my teens/twenties to Have Sex Just Do It is basically gone. I’m vibing. I’ve got my routine by myself in bed that I enjoy, and that’s enough for me.

And in the unlikely event that I ever decide to have sex with someone in the future, I don’t feel at all like I’m lacking some essential Knowledge or Skill that would “make it good” for someone else. I fully expect to ask my partner out loud what they like and to receive an answer clearly communicated and to relax and have fun. And if it’s a disappointing experience, I’m fine with that too. It is what it is.

Problem is, I had the idea to write this way after the deadline ended. So I emailed one of the editors, and she was like, “okay, just get it to me in a couple days.”

So in my haste to bang this thing out, I named the document a really bullshit title, because I like to make myself laugh when I’m under a deadline. I submitted it, and then later came up with a better title in an email.

Wanna guess which one made it into the magazine?

1. Check that you have good access to shade trees, a shelter custom made to fit you and all your friends, and plenty of good airflow

2. Find the hottest, sunniest, and least windy part of you pasture and lay down

3. Make sure you look as much as possible like you have died of heatstroke

4. Get your friends in on it