Carnivorous Jellybean

and those staffers told Spicer’s messenger to go fuck himself, that’s their fridge and they actually need it because they don’t get meals at the cafeteria like spicer does

so, instead of being a reasonable human being and ordering a new one off Amazon, that asshole personally himself went to the officer at night after everyone left and stole the fridge, carrying it back to his office in the white house with his own hands

like that’s the perfect story to totally encapsulate what a complete and total joke not only this current administration is, but that the very bedrock institutions of American democracy are

Me: I’m gonna heal her.

DM: You can roll or sing.

Me: I’ll sing.

DM: Go for it.

Me: [proceeds to sing all of Kelly Clarkson’s What Doesn’t Kill You]

Context: I’m DMing for a group who is playing Curse of Strahd. The barabarian, Bruce, forgot to retrieve his magic spear so it was confiscated by the law enforcement of the town they’re in. Seeing how dejected Bruce was, Zindara the warlock went and purchased a wooden spear made to be a child’s toy and used a bit of magic to make it sparkle. He then gave this to the barbarian and attempted to convince him that it was far more powerful than his other one.

Zindara: (IC) “Oh yes, this spear is extremely powerful. It’s a wonder I managed to get my hands on it, but I knew how upset you were to have lost your other one.” (OOC) I roll Deception to convince him this is a magical weapon.

He rolled a 23 while Bruce rolled at 2, so in awe of his new weapon he goes to show it to Larofin the paladin.

Bruce: (IC) “Look at this! Isn’t it amazing!”

Larofin: (OOC) I roll to see through the deception… 17?

Me, the DM: That is pretty obviously a toy spear. There’s even a price tag hanging off of it.

Larofin: (OOC) I want to roll deception to convince him that this is also a holy weapon used to slay a dragon… 19.

The barabarian rolls a 5 so listens in awe as the paladin describes how a holy warrior used this spear to slay an ancient dragon that had threaten to destroy his city’s temple and devour everyone inside. As the story is wrapping up the party’s “no-nonsense” NPC walks up and the barabarian calls her attention to his “treasure”.

Bruce: (IC) “Kamala! Look at this! It’s super powerful and rare! Zindara got it for me!” (OOC) Hah, jokes over now guys.

The NPC sees through the deception easily but doesn’t say anything for a few moments. She raises an eyebrow as she looks at the “legendary” spear, then at Zindara (who is trying not to crack up), then at Larofin (who is trying not to grin), then lastly at Bruce who is obviously very excited. There is a long pause before she speaks…

Kamala: (IC) “Wow, I never thought I’d see a weapon of legend with my own eyes. I used to hear stories about it; that only the most powerful of heroes are capable of wielding it.”

regulate your breathing so your blood flow evens out

fix your makeup and make sure you’re not sweaty