Blurbs on Life

I get tired so easily. Not like sleepy tired, although that's pretty abundant, but like... people tired. Going ot in public, going to work, even just hanging with friends. After 2 hours or less, I'm ready to just go home and bunker down in my room. At work, 2 hours in I'm wishing a new plague will strike soon. I wish I had a more extroverted brain.

I'm so grumpy these days. The smallest thing irritates me. If someone sings while listening to music, talks to me with even a little bit of attitude, or treats me like I'm stupid. All things that will make me feel like my mask is cracking. I know it's ne and not them, but man does it suck. I wonder what they would do if I just started screaming...

Is it wrong to not be a fan of kids? I have neices and a nephew, but I dont really have the patience to spend a lot of time around them. I mean, I dont really have the patience to spend time around adults who give off the same energy. I mean, one neice is a baby (just turned one), the other neice is afraid of silence and swears she's a werewolf, and my nephew wants to talk to me about pokemon and minecraft. I've known for a long time that I don't have the mental capacity to be a mom, as I can barely take care of myself, let alone a separate human being. But hanging out with kids is different. I know in my mind it's good to be supportive, and to praise them for things, but its so... awkward for me. I get kind of shamed by coworkers like, "oh you like children's movies but don't like the kids there?" No, cuz I dont like people talking during the movie. I expect there to be talking, but it doesnt mean I can't bitch about it later. But they totally mock me about my lack of empathy towards kids. I'm just so awkward tho. And the old I get the worse it gets. Hell, I think of 20 yr olds as "kids" cuz I feel so ancient. I dont think that should make me a bad person tho...

Not a good day today. I suffer from depression and anxiety and I've been off my medication for about 4 months due to insurance issues. I can get through most days okay. I've been starting to feel the pull of sleep more lately. Where my brain tells me that it's fine to sleep for a reeeally long time. Paired with that usually is the feeling of worthlessness. The thoughts are nonstop. What have you done with your life? Are you even special? Why do you think you even matter? Wouldn't it be better if you just never woke up? Sometimes it's easy to just block it out by keeping myself busy, but today was just hard. I'm lucky I have a job where I don't have to talk to anyone. I'm not sure I could have pretended enough today. I'm going to put on my white noise app and just sleep. Theres always tomorrow...

I'm 31. I live with my parents. I'm still holding my V-card. All facts, but not really anything I can really put in a dating profile. Let's get the elephant in the room out of the way: I'm not a virgin cuz I'm saving myself, or religious, or anything profound. I'm demisexual and have been rejected....pffff....like a lot. After a while I stopped putting myself out there. And one year after another sped by so fast that I've wasted half my life, if not more (one never knows). I think I'm lonely. I crave a relationship, but human interactions make my skin crawl. My friend got me to go on a dating app. "For practice," she said. How can I practice having a conversation when I use a preset convo starter and no one responds back? Conversation is a 2 way street! So far I'm just sitting in a dead end. How do adults converse? Not to mention the fact that I'm not a fan of touch. It took me two years before I hugged my friends. Even if I manage to jump the hurdle of convos, what happens then? I've been on exactly one date, and I freaked out so bad afterwards, I avoided all contact with him. And i worked with him. Yeah, I went on a date with someone i worked with cuz I'm a moron. I sort of miss Yahoo chat (AOL for the rich kids). I was so much better at talking to people I'd never meet, or could block. I'd make friends on mmorpgs (terrible mistakes...). I love the idea of pen pals. Writing letters to get to know someone. It's all so frustrating!

So I need a place to put feelings and thoughts and things down in. Real journals are nice, but have the ability to be found and writing hurts my wrist (cuz I'm fucking old). Fb doesnt have the anonymity that I require so this is my chosen format. Buckle up, me. It's gonna get weird.