Life of a Tiny Juggernaut

Everyone keeps telling me to move on from you.

But I can't

For I am an abysmal hurricane destined to break everything in my path, but you--

You are an island.

An archipelago of destruction determined to stall me.

No matter how many times I try to drown you, you remain strong, steady.

I worry, though,

That I will continue to erode away your good parts until there is nothing left but a hollow surface struggling to stay afloat in the ocean.

But we don't have time for that right now because together we are our own forces of nature

Balancing out the tides of hope.

I seem to have started crushing on someone.

But it's different.

I don't lust after him like I have in the past.

That hit me just now.

I genuinely like him--all that I know of him.

He doesn't concede to demands or think I'm irrational. While he accepts me as I am, he always asks why and wants to understand.

Maybe I just feel this way because of this new feeling and the lack of passion I had. I was young and naïve thinking that I could be satisfied. Because of that, I became complacent. I became comfortable.

Is it wrong to have wanted to experiment? Maybe it is just because of the kind of human I am--I need an equal. I need someone who can challenge me.

I had my rose-tinted glasses on because it was safe and warm until the fire started going out.

All I could do was add cardboard and hope the flame ignited. Instead, the flame became smothered.

I don't love him anymore. Or rather, I am not in love with him. Is that so wrong to feel this way? I wasn't in love with him anymore.

So where does that leave me now? I think I know what I want.

I want a man. A good father. Someone conscious of issues in the world. I want someone who will not do everything I say all the time. Someone who teaches me something new every time we meet because that is absolutely fascinating.

I need a challenge, not a conquest.

The past happened. It was wonderful and miserable simultaneously. I won't forget him, but I needed to do this for the both of us to become better.

And with that sentence, I'm done with all the guilt:

I shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to be mentally stimulated.

I shouldn't feel guilty that complacency is boring.

Your comfort zone will kill you.

That phrase speaks to me on so many levels.

I shouldn't feel guilty about decisions I didn't make either for myself or for anyone else.

Yes, it is easier to blame myself for another's faults, however, that isn't healthy. Blaming myself has only caused me to be worthless to myself. That isn't what I want.