• w e i g h t l e s s •

Therese didn’t argue when he mentioned the mistake of dating. She didn’t know what she would argue, but she didn’t quite see how knowing there was someone always there, always loving you, keeping you company could be so bad. Her vision of things was highly romanticized, but it was all the girl really could go off of. She simply nodded her head, allowing him a buffer of silence to explain if he chose to.

It was the change in his voice that caught her attention first. Her eyes shifted from the ground where they had been looking back up to his amber pools. She didn’t know what she saw in them, she couldn’t decipher an emotion. To her they seemed void, and the words almost empty. “You’re not poison.” She could hear her voice shift just an octave higher as she tried to wrangle her emotions in. her heart broke for Luca. How could someone think themselves anything like poison? How could they compare themselves to a toxin when they had done nothing but bring joy to hers? Her grip on the jacket tightened and she shook her head. “No. I don’t understand.” She said, the words firm.

“I don’t understand how you think you don’t deserve happiness, or to be saved, or to be loved, or to reform. I don’t understand how you give up so easily and think that there isn’t hope for you. I don’t get it.” She said with a shake of her head, feeling a lump form in her throat. “I don’t understand how you don’t see that you being here brings joy to the lives of those that matter. Your daughter, mine, your parents, and other friends. I don’t see how you can cast a blind eyes to that and think you’re not worth it. Because to me, and to all those that really, really care about you, you are. You’re worth every second.” She murmured, her grip on his jacket now tight. “I knew something felt off about you…. I didn’t want to think it was…drugs, but…it is and that’s okay because addiction is a sickness, it’s a vice, it’s the devil ad he keeps pulling you back into his grasp.” Therese reached out and put a hand on his arm, a firm hold. “But you can fight this, and you can win, and you deserve a life of happiness with your daughter, and with someone you find love with in the future. You deserve to be saved because your life is beautiful and your existence makes peoples happy. You are worth saving and I don’t care if you become angry with me after this, but I want you to know that you will be saved. And I will be there ever single step of the way. Even if you hate me, even if you despise me at the end of it. Because you are a treasure to me and you are a child of God and you are a father and a friend, and so much more. And you will see it, eventually. I can promise you that.”

"I didn't know how I expected you to understand, 'cause you aren't in the same position as me and honestly, there's a lot of stuff I'm keeping from you 'cause it's just better for everyone if you don't know," Luca spoke quietly, his voice eerily calm for someone who would usually be scared already by now. "The only person people can be saved by is themselves and I don't want to save myself. And honestly it kind of pisses me off that everyone else is allowed to want things and need things for themselves but as soon as I do it's wrong." His voice trailed off and his jaw tensed for a few seconds to relieve some tension building within him.

Luca adored Therese, he honestly did but sometime he wished he could just take her by the shoulders and shake her until the rose-coloured tint fell off. "The thing is, my daughter would be a lot better off without me and I know her mother's already thinking about fighting for sole custody. I have no friends and the one member of 'family' I have left just...he does this," Luca finally cracked gesturing to his bruised and scarred arms under the glow of the streetlights, hoping they were still too faint to see properly. "If I were actually worth something do you think my life would be like this? Shitty people get lives like me and I am no anomaly."

Raking a hand through his hair, he took a moment or two and sighed. "I prefer to think of life as the sickness and drugs as a sort of pain relief. Anyone is better off without me in their life and I wish I could tell you how many people I've fucked over but there's not enough time in the world for something like that. I don't hate you and I'm never going to hate you but I can't be around you if you try and change me 'cause it's just not who I am. My life plan is to fuckin' get through high school, fade out slowly and then just die quietly and you know what? I'm happy with that so can we leave it be?"

She stopped her sudden, dramatic movements upon hearing his words. Placing her hands on her knees, she glanced at Luca out of the side of her eye whilst biting her upper lip. It was better to drop the subject right then and there. “Of course I am. Plus, you’re not allowed to just leave me by myself, you know. I am a lady.”

Moving up off the curb and brushing the dust off the back of his jeans, Luca tentatively offered a hand out for Anastasia to take. "I don't think that's what it is at all. You're more like a pet," he added, squinting slightly towards the direction of his house.

“Our lord and savior, Jesus Christ and his father, God, gave you life, Luca. They gave you life. They can just as easily take it away.” Anastasia said as she moved her hands around in the air slowly and dramatically. She was channeling her inner Jesus worshipper, and she was living.

"I wish they fuckin' would," Luca joked, though he was sure they both knew it was only a half lie. He watched her dramatic movements and raised an eyebrow before shutting his eyes completely. "I'm going back in. You coming with or nah?"

She hoped his shaking hands would calm when she kissed them, but unsurprisingly he pulled away, just like he always did. “I’m going to break up with him.” She felt a little guilty about her confession, but mostly, she felt relieved. She had so much love in her heart from Julian, but it was pale in comparison to how she felt about Luca. Maybe she hung onto her relationship with Julian because it was the only thing in her life that was steady, and that she could rely on. This time she kept her hands to herself, “I love you too, Luca. I always have.” 

Hearing someone say those words to him made his breath catch in his throat. No-one had ever made him first choice for anything and although he understood - he didn't deserve it - it didn't mean that his heart stopped craving it. "Yeah, well, Romeo and Juliet loved eachother but they both ended up dead," Luca commented, not really knowing what to say and for some reason he felt scared. This is what things always built up to in romantic movies, right? The beginning of a relationship starting with an exchange similar, and yet it felt much more like the end of one. "I have to...--I should go..."

“You’re right. Maybe I don’t want to know. all the terrible things you could possibly say are better kept to yourself.” Therese shrugged, smiling nonetheless. She really doubted Luca spoke poorly of her. He was her friend, and, in her mind, friends never spoke poorly of eachother. Friendship was to support, empower, and love. She doubted his words would be anything against that. Then again, those were Therese’s rose colored glasses.

“I’ll make sure to mention to everyone how much of a gentleman you are. Then you’ll have all the girls chasing after you for a date.” Therese giggled lightly, her bright eyes coming to meet his dark ones. Girls already seemed to have a high interest in him. In her mind, she was sure it was because of the good character that she had seen as opposed to his past and his faults.

Therese could feel herself frown despite an attempt to hide it. “Aw, okay. just, keep in touch y’know? And if anything, I’ll just see you at church!” She couldn’t deny that seeing hm at school wasn’t a highlight of he day, but that’s how it was with all her close friends. 

She wished she could decipher what had driven her to kiss him, but she hadn’t a clue. She knew she had enjoyed the feeling before, she knew she was comfortable around Luca, but had  that been enough to drive such a reaction from her? She retracted, her cheeks burning hot again. “I– uh.” Therese shrugged her shoulders, wishing she wasn’t so awkward, cursing herself for not having a coy response like others likely would. “It was a kiss. I think. Probably terrible….but, yep….that was a kiss..” Therese chewed her lip, busying herself with slipping out of his jacket and handing it back to him, “"I would apologize, but– it wouldn’t be an honest apology. And I couldn’t lie like that. Not to you.”

If Therese hadn't been smiling, then Luca might have actually worried at the words she was saying. Although, admittedly, he wasn't a great person, there were still some redeeming qualities if you managed to search far enough down. One being that he didn't like or add to any gossip spreading about people. If Luca felt he had good enough reason then he might bad mouth someone to a trustworthy person, but gossip was something he detested. Being near the top tier of Westwood meant that there were constantly rumours flying around about him and even once he'd dropped it hadn't changed. It was just another thing to get through.

Chuckling, he replied. "I don't date, or do girlfriends. Tried it once and I've never regretted anything more," and although it was a total lie, he seemed convincing enough. Luca knew that without her then he could've turned out much worse, but somehow losing her still felt like a stab straight to the heart. "Church, shit, yeah. You'll see me there hopefully," Luca replied, his tone as conflicted as his mind. Somehow still attending church felt wrong, but he needed the place. It was some sort of beacon of hope for him, not to mention it was good PR to make up for the incident.

Luca's eyebrows furrowed, listening to her as she stumbled through some sort of explanation that she definitely didn't owe him. His questioning had been more of a panic response rather than genuine curiosity. Although his insides were twisting and begging to hear the truth, even his foggy mind knew that this was wrong. It was time for the speech that felt over-rehearsed by now; something his lips had echoed time and time again. Luca was in fact rather glad that his high had worn off by the time Therese approached because there was no doubt in his mind that the wrong thing would've been done without a second thought.

"Therese," he began. His voice was low and although the amber eyes swivelled to the jacket being offered back, Luca didn't take it just yet. "The thing you have to understand about me, is that I'm poison. That's not some sort of self-deprecation, it's the truth and what's sweet is that you can't see that, but I can't lie to you as much as you can't lie to me. I'm a teen father who's addicted to cocaine even though not only did it nearly kill me, but I was in rehab and yet here I am again. I know I fucked things up by kissing you but I told you I'm not good with emotions --- not that that's an excuse. Point is, you deserve better than someone like me. I can't be reformed, I can't change and I can't be saved. You understand?"

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell you how important you are to me. What’s that quote… ah yeah ‘my thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.’” Squeezing his hands and taking a small step towards him, she smiled - excited at the prospect of telling him some news she was genuinely happy about. “I told you, I’m not going anywhere soon. I’m not going to college anymore, I realised that this just isn’t my thing. Maybe when I’m older, it’s all too soon for me right now.” Swinging her hands which she kept firmly held in his, she was gleaming with excitement. She had a real job now - doing something she really loved, she hated school, she hated coming into the same place and doing the same thing.  “Plus… I got a pretty good role in a television show, that I’m excited about and it’s filmed in Los Angeles.” Alek wasn’t sure what she expected to get out of this conversation - but for him to tell her that he loved her once more was the last thing. Stepping a little closer, she planted a soft kiss on his hand before pressing it against her cheek. Julian made her feel all sorts of things, but he never made her feel like this. “I’ll be an hour and a half away, right on your doorstep. Don’t worry you’re not gonna get away from me that easy.” Her voice was a little above a whisper, like the two of them were in a bubble, and there was nothing and no one that could interrupt their moment.

This honesty thing was rather a lot for Luca. She was just bold in the ways he wasn't and the words came so easily from heart to lips that the thought of being envious wasn't far off. His eyes watched as Alek pressed a kiss to his already shaking hand, right eye twitching slightly as it always did when he was uncertain. She had to know what she was doing to him, and his jaw tensed at the fact he was allowing himself to fall for it. "So what? I get to watch you and your new fuckin' boyfriend run around together in person and on my twitter feed constantly? Thanks," Luca spat, ripping his hand away and moving it to his side. There was never a time when he'd thought goodbye would be the easiest option, but now it seemed like the only. "I came here because I never get a goodbye and I wanted one for once. Can we just skip to that part already?"

“I don’t know what you mean, by that - but I’m gonna take it as a yes.” Winking at him like their relationship was steady made it easier to deal with the fact that in a few short “And that’s the only thing that matters, at least to me.” He was here now, she was happy - and although the ceremony was beautiful, full of happiness, it felt empty when she realised that he wasn’t there. “You can only bury your head in the sand for so long, this’ll be you next year. It’s weird how fast it’s gone - remember when I first moved here, and we met at that party…” Although her memory was slightly fuzzed because she wasn’t at all sober, she remembered how confident she felt around him and how much fun she had that night. Noticing his twitching fingers, Alek reached out for them to hold. “Thank you, for coming. I know how hard this is for you.”

"Why? Aren't you leaving soon?" Luca asked, not curious in the slightest and actually the question didn't need the lilt of an intonation he gave it -- it was a statement; he knew she would leave. They all did. There didn't seem to be a doubt in Alek's mind that he'd make it to next year and Luca couldn't decide if it was hopeful or just naive. "Fuzzes, flashes," he whispered. If his mind weren't occupied with another thousand things at this moment, Luca was sure he'd feel the crippling guilt that he could barely even remember them meeting anymore. With her hand outstretched for his own to join, the boy gave a nod of acceptance and threaded his own fingers between hers. "Seeing my best friend and the girl I love leaving...--History repeating itself..." he mumbled incoherently.

She had just graduated, the warmth of glee still inside of her as she poked Luca with the scroll playfully. “You know I’m an actress right? We need constant validation or else we wither away and die.” Her light giggling ceased when her expression changed to reflect her concern, his eyes weren’t as focused as before, she wasn’t sure if he was just coming off a high or at the beginning of one. “I looked for you, in the crowd - I didn’t see you.”

"I don't think I'm in the position to be proud of anyone," Luca muttered, though it had a tone of dry humour running through it. He wasn't about to ruin her day completely, or he supposed he might just do that with his intent. "I got here in the end, right?" Luca asked, adjusting his glasses so his itching fingers would keep to themselves. "I thought it'd be easier to pretend this wasn't happening..."

“Do they say that?” she asked, tilting her head to the side, considering the notion. In her mind it truly was better for it to be someone she knew. She couldn’t imagine having lost something so important to her to someone who didn’t at least know her name and about her. 

“People ask you about me? That’s interesting.” She raised a brow, bemused by the idea that someone even considered her enough to ask about her, and to Luca of all people. She didn’t mind, though it was an interesting thought. Therese always figured herself a one to stay out of people’s mouths. Then again, seeing as she had gone to two parties, and may have been a little intoxicated at both, she shouldn’t be as surprised as she actually was. In addition to that, she had gone for a weekend trip with Luca and she supposed people could surmise things from that outing. Not that there was anything to actually surmise. 

“Well, that’s not fair. You can’t just say you talk about me to people and not tell me why. Isn’t that torture of some sort?” she teased, “Then again, I could always say the same and not tell you what I say when people mention you.” Therese’s lips tilted into an amused smile. She figured Luca likely knew that she wouldn’t ever say a bad thing about him, about anyone, really. As they approached her home her steps slowed, not wanting their walk to end, but knowing that it was getting closer and closer to her curfew. “I guess I’ll see you at school tomorrow? Good thing classes are ending, I’m ready for the summer. Like everyone else.” She didn’t step away just yet, enjoying the lingering feeling of an arm around her. “Thanks for walking me. You sure you’re alright, Luca?” she questioned once more, wanting to be certain before she left him. Even then she remained, her heart picking up it’s pace as she mustered the bravery to lean over and place a delicate little kiss on his lips.

"You might now want to know what I'm saying though," Luca responded, his tongue gripping onto the words and implying and almost sing-song tone -- as much as he could get of one anyway. The more they spoke, the more that Therese always seemed to loosen up and he liked that she felt she could be comfortable around him even though she really shouldn't be. Most people would be able to see something was more than just off with Luca, and yet she continued to toy and play around with him like they were children and his only crime was stealing a crayon. There were much darker things in this world, and he did worry that him being around would influence her into them.

Shrugging in her attempt to lure the information out of him, the boy simply paused as they drew closer to her house. Luca was more than sure people spoke about him; of course, he didn't assume that in a confident way. Rather, his hard shell built up from years of insecurity and the things people said about him became just whispers reverberating off of the concrete surrounding him. "Go for it, babe. Say all you want," Luca finally replied, a sigh of breath escaping his lips before he can stop it. For a moment, he'd forgotten to breathe.

"My attendance isn't of huge concern, you probably won't see me for a while," Luca replied honestly. Summer was a form of hibernation for him, sleeping away the days to accumulate the energy he required to even get through a term of the new school year. Her words caught him mid-thought, and he let them hang in the air before responding with a glance and a swift raise of the eyebrows. More of a 'let's leave that for later' effect given and it appeared Therese agreed as her lips gently pressed against his own for the second time tonight; this of her own accord.

Beth: lol is that what it is

Beth: yeah whatever chill

Beth: have fun bringing up thinking about whatever wasn't there between us that makes things weird now

“Actually…” Anastasia started as she flicked a few loose strands of hair behind her ear, “we’re outside your house. We’re in God’s territory, now.”

"When God starts paying rent then he can call it his territory," Luca scoffed back, playing along with her own game.

Luca would like to say that he had no idea what brought him to the event, never mind right at the end, but he knew exactly what he was doing. It was going to be another goodbye and he should be used to them by now, yet he's not. "You just graduated, I highly doubt you need any sort of validation let alone mine," Luca responded, his eyes glassy but holding him together.

She laughed, not sure why but it was funny to her. ”Do you keep telling that yourself every night before you go to bed..or because I..” She still laughed a bit but honestly didn’t know what to say.

"See, I'd tell it to the girl riding my dick in bed but it's not the type of thing they go wild for," Luca responded with ease, able to keep the back and forth going without much thought.

Beth: ure really good at lingering in the past

Beth: idgaf go convince urself of whatever u think we were or weren't. u said u didn't want to talk about it so why keep talking about it

Beth: so anyway... who was the subtweet about?

Luca: call it a fckn talent

Luca: bc this is weird nd nun of ur fckn business

“Church is boring as shit. I tried it and only the priest was useful because he’s a good listener.” So Alfie still doesn’t know. How interesting. That’s probably the only reason why Luca is still breathing. “Your secret is safe with me. Give him time. You guys were bros once before. I’m sure it could happen again. Anyway are you up for a walk? My legs are getting a bit restless. Besides I have vodka at home that’s calling my name.”

"It's not boring," Luca responded quickly, defending the place. Regardless of whether he fit in there or not, it still meant something to him even if he wasn't totally sure what it was. "Honestly I'd rather just go inside but I'll walk you home, fine," he agreed, overtly admitting his reluctance. Luca had been outside for a long time already and he wasn't one to enjoy it.