slutty coffee feline

Nature is healing

DON'T EAT ME EITHER! THAT'S WORSE!

then give me the egg back!!! i'm hungryyy

NO! MY EGG! go purchase fast food or something!

i make hundreds every month and you're not having a single one [creates more eggs but doesn't lay them so i just get more pregnant] oubgh

*squishes and shakes you upside down* i know you have them in there. you gotta let them out

ok all this squeezing my tummy is turning me on. i am soooooo full of eggs and also hard as fuck

yeah okay that's it. stuffs you in my mouth. Let's see how quick you lay the egg now

rolls back out and lands on the floor ass in the air

POUNCES

on my ass?????? o/////////////////////O wraow......

CHOMP

OWWWWIEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE EATING MY ASS TOO LITERALLY!!!! STOP BITING ME IT'S REALLY PAINFUL

LAY THE DAMN EGG THEN

you're going to eat it and i don't want you to eat my eggs.......

ummm... i'll incubate it... for you...

ok! yippee! [lays it and immediately tries to put my big egg up you]

waghhh!! waitt! let me do it... just give it here.

ok... but promise you won't eat my big egg i spent a week eating the food to get the nutrients for? pinkie promise?

um okay! pinkie promise!

here you go... [rolls my tremendous egg over to you]

[lowers my binoculars that i definitely didn't have before you turned around] ok are you incubating my big egg now? i heard a lot of wet noises and heavy breathing

uhhhh yeah about that... um. i dont have any pinkies, so. i kinda just ate it. I WAS HUNGRY OKAY!!!

[makes the sound of a kettle coming to a boil and starts shaking and my eye is twitching] you did. what. to my EGG...,..

yummy yummy in my tummy

[starts throwing lit bundles of dynamite at you]

*parries* *parries* *parries* *parries* *parries* *parries* *parries* *parries* *parries* *parries* *parries* *parries* *parries* *parries* *parries* *parries* *parries* *parries* i can do this all day *parries* *parries* *parries* *parries* *parries* *parries* *parries* *parries* *parries* *parries* *parries* *parries*

[starts throwing big black bombs with skulls on them too] (they have a different timing so now you have to parry two different things at once)

*skillfully completes these parries as well, yawning in boredom* come onnn step it up, this is getting boring

ok fineeee you can eat my eggs. fucking whatever. [hands you a handful of eggs that are making a quiet ticking noise]

these eggs are too small, i don't want them. here, have them back *i stick them back in you*

no i insist you take those eggs they are... gourmet eggs!

*shoving them deeper* no really i couldn't take them, they're much too small. i wouldn't be able to properly enjoy them

i'd love to see it then... and eat it

um okay. is that what makes it gourmet? cause it looks really weird

critics say that it has a "unique flavour"... [accidentally looks at you in a way that completely betrays that i am trying to feed you a bomb]

Hey Is This A Bomb Cleverly Disguised As A Gourmet Egg

...yeah okay, this egg's going back in you too.

ah fuck

*picks you and the egg up, mashing you two together until the egg is gone* there we go. allll better. um. you wouldn't happen to have any more eggs would you. i'm still hungry

no the nuke is in the way

hmph. whatever then. i don't care. see if i care. *tosses you aside disinterestedly*

[the force from the impact causes me to lay the nuke at incredible speeds, smacking you right in the snout with it]

*parries* you're still trying to blow me up? after all we've been through together...? i thought i knew you... but you're just a traitor...

um. oops. SAVE ME! *i dive and wriggle under you, covering my head with my paws*

dragon will see an omelette and ask "is anyone going to eat that" and not even wait for an answer

you have to love them more than you hate their haters

you have to love them more than you hate their haters!!

can zelda get him pregnant already damn

WHAT

can zelda (the princess of hyrule) get him (link the hero of legend) pregnant (cute 🥰) already damn (profanity)

every day i get a little madder about the ‘dream job’ narrative… all i want is to have a job that benefits society somewhat, doesn’t abuse me, and lets me live a happy life outside of my job lol. jobs should not be (and arguably can’t be) cosmic destinies and identities

sometimes i see an opinion i disagree with, and from a combination of wanting to keep up appearances, avoid flak, and cut to the heart of the issue, i draft a series of increasingly abstract responses, eventually culminating in typing out "falsehoods aren't true", which, in a perfect act of autofellatio, deletes itself

people who feel the need to chime in on posts about not supporting hp because of jkr with AND THE BOOKS ARE AWFUL AND HORRIBLY BIGOTED TOO are so completely missing the point it's insane. the content of harry potter does not MATTER!!!! if it was the most perfectly unproblematic piece of media ever it would still be supporting jkr and her bigotry and that would be enough of a reason not to support it!!!! all you're doing is continuing to treat harry potter as something worthy of discussion instead of trying to kill its cultural relevance!!!! you are not an ally and i do not trust you!!!!

good omens is by and large a very good book with positive messages but i stopped posting about it after the neil gaiman stuff came to light bc the quality of the content doesn't fucking matter when we're talking about materially supporting people who wield their power & influence to harm others

there ARE nsfw blogs. there are workarounds. you dont have to reblog "fuck your mutual from behind friday" to your main. though i guess i can't stop you

...so you telling me I'm NOT supposed to fuck my mutual from behind on Friday?

Happy fuck your mutual from behind friday