GoldenLukeLit

I wish I could write this pen and paper, but the truth is I have too much to say, and too quickly, so my wrist hurts too soon and I have to stop before I feel any sort of closure. 

This is my unsent letter to you. 

It has been two months since we last spoke, four since I last saw you, and almost a year since we broke up. I know I should be done, and for the most part I am. I’m just not over, that I never got a chance to tell you I love you, or go on the summer holidays I planned in my head, introduce you to my family. Could you sense I was going to suggest it the weekend you ended things? In reality you are not who I’ve made you out to be, the version of you that exists in my head is not who are- it never was. But God did I want it to be who you are.

I think about you way more than I care it admit, wonder how you are, your family, your friends, do you ever think of me? Go to text me but change your mind, perhaps you think that I hate you or would reply, and really I should but I miss you too much to let you completely. I look for you everywhere, London May be a big city and we may work on opposite sides, you may not even live here but I see you in parts of my day everyday. I am trying to move on- I really am, and they say time is the greatest heal but I’ve had so much time and I'm still clinging on. 

I think about how one day you will meet a girl, get married, have kids, build a home, start a joined life and how much I wish that girl could have been me.

Michael really hadn’t thought things through the words kind of just stumbled out his mouth. They were sat watching in his apartment watching some episode of family guy eating the Chinese that they’d just ordered. He’s not sure why he said it, and with any second that passed where the blonde sat next to was silent he regretted it more and more. “I’m sorry- what?” She finally speaks breaking the silence that was far too long for Michael’s liking. “Nothing it was stupid, I didn’t-” Michael stammers with his words finding himself unable to make eye contact with his girlfriend who’s sat at the other end of the small sofa her long legs laid out over his. “Well we’ve been dating a while I just thought maybe, I mean you don’t have to, but I just wondered” he struggles with the words. Carla cuts him off “Michael please just say it”

“Do you wanna move in?” He asks one a timid voice lifting his gaze up to meet her hazel eyes for the first in a while.

“Michael of course I do” she beamed throwing her arms round him and pulling him in for a big kiss. “I will take such good care of the place whilst you’re on tour”, she smiles at him brightly. “You basically live her already but i thought I’d ask you officially” Michael ours his hand under the back of her shirt rubbing it tenderly like he so often does. “So that means it’s our place now?” She smiles cupping his face in her face. “Our place?” Michael repeats. “I like the sound of that” he smiles at his girlfriend kissing her softly. “I’m one lucky boy” he can’t help but beam with happiness as Carla snuggles herself it his side running a hand through his bleach blonde hair. Carla scrunches her nose at his comment “I’m the lucky one silly”, she kisses his cheek before somehow managing to burrow herself further into Michael’s side. “Think we’re going to have to agree to disagree there love”.

Calum had woken up before his alarm this morning usually he’d stay cuddled up to his girlfriends slender frame for a few minutes longer as she slept but recently he’d felt himself drifting no longer as in love as he once was. He glances at her quickly noticing the way she has slightly more freckles on her left cheek then right, the way her nose rounds and turns up. He thinks of the last argument they had she’d got jealous over nothing or maybe something, Calum was past caring at this point. Sighing he climbs out of bed slipping on a pair of boxers and heading towards the bathroom and straight into the shower he imagined the water washing away all of his problems all the germs that he sees seeping into his body every time he allows her to touch him, the guilt he feels for no longer loving her. Calum must have spent a good half an hour in the shower, maybe longer “Calum are you almost done!” She shouts through the wooden door. Calum pauses for a few seconds before turning the shower off and exiting the bathroom silently. He waits impatiently whilst she showers, he’s unsure of how to do this without hurting her. Lyrics were Calum’s go to way of expressing himself but lately his thoughts were too scattered and no melody seemed to be fitting, everything he wrote came back to her but only negatives and he hated himself for it. She exits the bathroom already fully dressed a simple Adidas t-shirt dress hung loosely of her slim frame, he takes in her tired eyes and simple messy bun, her dyed platinum blonde hair was in desperate need of a touch up. “I think we should talk” his voice is low and she silently nods climbing onto the bed opposite Calum who’s sat on the sofa by the window, her backs pressed against the cool painted wall. She looks down at her knees noticing the small cut on her left knee she must have given herself whilst shaving that morning. “This isn’t working out, I think it’s best if we end it” Calum keeps it short and blunt fearing if he says anymore he’ll cry, he loves the girls wholeheartedly but it isn’t in love with her anymore. “Things haven’t felt right for a while and it’s unfair of me to carry this on when I’m not feeling it 100 percent. I don’t want to do something I’ll regret”. She nods pursing her lips taking his words in she’s not shocked but the weight of his words still hits her like a tone of bricks. “I still want to be your friend and I’m always here for you...” his voice trails off and h glances at her noticing how she tucked herself away into herself. “Do you have anything to say?” He asks her tentatively.

“No I guess that’s that” she responds biting on her lip

“Come here give us a hug” Calum roses and moves over to her opening his arms wide which she accepts squeezing his body close to hers one finally time. Calum turns placing a light kiss on her cheek before pulling away. The pair make eye contact maintaining it for longer that if they were still together they would have kissed but instead Calum smiles weakly at her before leaving.

REQUESTS ARE OPEN

Main Blog: @lrhgolden

Calum was convinced by this age he should have learnt how to deal with the darkness that sometimes seems to cloud over his mind, should have developed a healthier coping mechanism yet here he was lying in dirty sheets, unwashed hair, clothes that hadn’t been changed in the best part of a week and half. He appreciated how you didn’t say anything about the empty takeaway containers full of unfinished meals because he lacked the energy it took to finish them, how he most definitely smelt because he couldn’t remember the last time he showered. You placed a new glass of water beside him and took yours to your side of the bed crawling underneath covers moving closer to Calum running a hand through his messy silver curls. “I really thought I’d stop feeling this low at this age, or I’d figure out how to deal with it” he admits sheepishly. “You’re only twenty two Calum you’ve got plenty of time to figure this out, plus sometimes there isn’t even a reason. It happens to everyone these low periods

it just affects us all differently” you glance into his brown eyes mesmerised by the way the bright lights of la streaming in through the window reflect off of them perfectly. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with how you feel” you reassure him turning his head to meet yours running your thumb along the smooth soft skin that covers his adorable chubby cheeks. “I know I just wish I had more control over it” he sighed looking down at the small space between your chest and his. There’s a small pause your mind racing “I’ve got an idea, something that can give you back control” you pause thinking it through “it’s going to sound crazy but what is you shaved your hair off”. Calum’s eyes widen at your suggestion “what?!” His voice clearly shocked “yeah it’s supposedly really empowering and you’ll feel as though you have some control over the firestorm your lift is going in, plus it’s one less thing to deal with”. Calum thought about it long and hard before asking in a timid voice “will you do it with me?” And a small nod was your response half expecting that question to follow your bold suggestion.

The next day Calum and you are stood in just your underwear in his bathroom both of you staring at your equally gorgeous yet messy curls. “You ready?” Calum asks you picking the electric razor up in his hand, you nod firmly picking yours up. “To taking back control” you smile at him clinking your razors together as though they were wine glasses a small light snicker escapes Calum’s lips. “Here we go...1.2.3” you whisper under your breath turning the razor on and shaving off a piece of your chestnut curls. “Omg, omg, omg” you touch the newly bald spot shock firing through your body as a wife beam spreads over your face “I feel so powerful” you shave off more and more laughing and smiling the entire time. You stop halfway glancing over at Calum who is smiling brightly at his newly fully shaven head “I feel so much control” he turns to you grinning and then suddenly he bursts out laughing his eyes crinkling as he finds himself unable to stop. “What?” You demand laughing at his contagious happiness “look at yourself in the mirror” Calum finally breathes. And when you do you can’t help but laugh, you look ridiculous your uneven shaven head with one long curl at the side that you must have missed the tiniest thing turning into the biggest laugh. “Let me help you” Calum gently takes the razor from you neatly finishing off your head, he sighs putting the razor down before turning you towards the mirror “beautiful” he smiles kissing your forehead. You run your hand over Calum’s short buzzcut loving the way it prickles your skin. You kiss his lips lightly taking his hand in yours before attempting to climb into bed but Calum stops you putting his arm out in front of you. “I should probably change the sheets” you nod lightly “you sure you can or do you want me to?” Calum smiles at you

“no it’s fine I’ve got it, I’m taking back control” you watch Calum walk towards the airing cupboard to retrieve new duvet cover hoping that you’ve helped him just a little bit.

Main blog: @lrhgolden

Calum wanders outside it’s where he knows she is, without thinking anything of it he wraps his arm round her shoulders brining the lit cigarette to his lips, smiling appropriately as she looks up at him her hazel eyes meeting his darker ones. He kissed her forehead lightly pulling her close to him aware that the cool night air is causing small goosebumps to arise over her exposed body. The girl heads back inside wanting to freshen up her make-up and Calum is left alone staring up at the clear night sky. A few minutes later he senses a different presence next to him, followed by a perfume he hasn’t smelt since that night. “Hi” her voice is strong solid as she speaks but her soft green eyes refuse to meet his harsher brown ones. “Oh hi” Calum’s shocked he didn’t expect her to be her, but after all it’s her best friends birthday party of course she would be, she wasn’t just going to avoid him forever. She found it difficult to let Calum go, to let what they had go, she’d already noticed his hair was shaved just like it was when they first met before he grew his beautiful curls out, now it’s a unfamiliar silver something she never expected from Calum. Calum blows the smoke of his cigarette out in the direction of the girl “Sorry forgot” Calum murmurs a light blush coming over his cheeks as he kicks himself for not remembering how she hates smoke in her face, however she doesn’t cough like she used to. The girl scans Calum up and down he’s gained weight since their last meeting he looks happier, healthier. Calum admires her she’s no longer wearing the bracelet he got her. He can’t help but notice she’s wearing the dress she wore to the bands show at Madison Square Garden he smiles to himself remembering how proud she’d been of him and boy did she let him know. “You should of told me you didn’t want me” her words cut deep it wasn’t true Calum wanted her but he didn’t deserve her. “I’m sorry-“ Calum began but really sorry wasn’t enough. “You didn’t even call was I not even worth that”. Calum hadn’t shown up to her birthday at the beginning of the year after spiralling into darkness Calum suddenly become very aware of how he wasn’t in the right headspace to love anyone, especially not someone as good as her. He was wearing her down and the moment he got sober he reconciled from loving her. “You should have told me you didn’t love me” she notices the fire in his eyes as he lights up another cigarette. Looking down at the ground he answers “I did love you I just couldn’t do a good enough job”. This causes a scoff to arise from the tall girls throat “It’s up to me to decide if you were loving me right Calum, that’s not your decision to make”, her voice is firm she’s never been one for taking people’s stick.

“No it is and you deserve more” Calum shakes his head but she’s quick to retort

“What about her?”, Calum knows she’s referring to Maddie his new girlfriend “does she deserve more?” tears begin to form in her eyes the idea that this girl is somehow more worthy of Calum’s love then her. “Yes of course, all of you are too good for me but I’m trying to be the best I can, for her, for me, for any future we might have together” Calum raises his voice slightly aware that the garden is still full of people. The girls heart burns with jealousy at the effort Calum’s making this time round “and I couldn’t even get a happy birthday” she kicks at the ground her sadness aching in her chest. “I’m sorry that was wrong of me, but I was off my head. I wasn’t in the right place to be a good boyfriend” she smiles at him toothlessly “I don’t even know why I came over here. I just wanted you to still love me a little bit or to maybe miss me. Just something to remain of what we once we shared”

You’d been really looking forward to meeting Calum’s family for the first after almost a year of dating he’d invited you to come on holiday with them all to New Zealand and of course you’d agreed eager to meet the people who raised the boy you love so much. Today you’d gone to Rotorua a region straight from a fairytale, with coloured lakes, boiling mud pools and thick forests. Filled with local legends and myths. You were spending the day at Kuirau Park which was relatively busy the warm sun encouraging families and couples to come explore the lake. You walk hand in hand with Calum enjoying the glow of the sun on your skin. “I’m so glad I could come here with you” you smile at Calum thankfully to spend your first time in New Zealand with the beautiful boy you’ve been silently planning your future with. Calum smiles broadly at you his eyes crinkling as he beams at you. “I’m so glad you’re enjoying yourself” Calum kisses the back of your hand and his sister stops and takes photos of the surrounding landscape in front of you. “ Did you know in Māori lore a man called Tamahika, and his wife Kuirau, were the first to live here. However, one day when Kuirau was bathing in the lake, a taniwha (sea monster) grabbed her and dragged her down into the depths of the lakes. The gods saw this and were angry, so they made the waters of the lake boil. The Taniwha was destroyed but Kuirau was also killed, and since that’s why the lake and the park around it are named after her”. Calum pushes his sunglasses back it place “that’s pretty interesting Cal”

“My grandma used to tell me stories of Māori mythologies all the time when I was a kid, almost like fairytales” Calum shares squeezing your hand tightly. “It’s similar to my Greek mythology” I mention to Calum referring to my Dad’s Greek bloodline. “Yeah I suppose it is”.

“I couldn’t be happier right now you know that? With you in one of the most beautiful places on Earth. I love you”. Calum leans towards his soft lips meeting yours in a gently kiss. “I love you more” you smile into the kiss as it deepens. “Nah not possible” Calum giggles lightly shaking his head as he wraps his arm around your waist pulling in to a tight hug your head resting peacefully on his chest.

REQUESTS ARE OPEN

Main blog: @lrhgolden

Calum hadn’t meant to get so drunk he was only supposed to go for a few drinks with the Luke after their afternoon at the studio, but then Zack and Roy has arrived and he felt obliged to stay. Too worried about being a bad friend he forgot about being a good boyfriend. He’d forgotten about how you had just got home from work after a meeting about a potential promotion, how he’d promised to take you out to that restaurant by the beach that you loved so much, the one you’d taken his mum too when she’d visited.

He tiptoed into your shared apartment not wanting to wake up, however you were sat upright on the sofa watching some old re-run of Friends. “I’m up Calum you don’t have to tiptoe” you spoke flatly, Calum bowed his head walking over to you but not before kicking his grey Nike’s off at the door. “Sorry, I got caught up we went out for a few. I didn’t mean to be so long” Calum’s words are slurred together slightly evidence of the numerous beers he’s recently consumed. Calum leans in to kiss your cheek and you reluctantly let him sighing as he sits opposite you glancing at the clock, half eleven this was the earliest he’d been back all week. “How was work?” Calum asks leaning towards you slightly and you can’t help the smile that spreads on your face, you’d got the promotion and all you wanted was a nice night with your boyfriend to celebrate. “Congratulations Y/N” Calum hugs you tightly grinning. There is a pause as both of you search for the word knowing the elephant in the room needs to be addressed. “Calum I feel as though we’re living two different lives under the same roof, we used to have so much more”. You purse your lips, your emerald green eyes meeting his deep dark brown eyes. In his slightly tipsy state your words sober him. “We’re both good, just not for each other” you run a hand through your short black hair. “I don’t really know where this has been going for a long time y/n” Calum speaks rubbing his palms on his jeans “I love you but I don’t think I’m in love with you anymore...my priorities have been messed up and this isn’t what you deserve”. You nod understanding you’d felt Calum growing distant, the way he’d leave you alone when you were sad rather then holding you close the way you liked, the way he tired of you taking so long to decide what to watch on Netflix. “We deserve happy endings, just not together” your eyes glass over as you think of all the happy memories you and Calum have gathered together over your two years together. “Agreed”. Calum stood “I’ll pack a bag and stay at Ash’s. I’ll come get my stuff tomorrow” you rise pulling Calum close to you breathing in for one last time his strong scent of mint and old tobacco. When Calum closes the door there are no tears, it was as though you’d numbed yourself to the situation, you’re almost certain your heart left him months ago and your body had just finally caught up with you.

‘Morning” The blonde girl had just arrived at the gym and spotted Alex the gym instructor sat in his office, “how are you?” the two started a natural conversation, y/n head turning when the door to the gym opened and a familiar head of messy blonde curls strolled through the door. “Hey” she turned towards Luke, who was dressed in black shorts and a dark blue top a very casual look that is similar to all of his workout outfits. Luke and Y/N had meet at the gym about a month earlier and despite following one another on Instagram never saw or spoke to one another outside of the gym, y/n would be lying  however if she said she hadn’t grown to quite like Luke and found him intriguing. “We have the same water bottle” she smiles brightly at the tall boy stood infant of her, and he giggles shooting her a wide grin that seemed to spread right across her face, she loved that smile of his, she swear it could literally make butter melt. “Oh yeah, my grandma bought it for me. I was driving her the other day and was drinking out of a big 2 litre bottle, and she bought me this as I was making her nervous”. She laughs at his little story. The Australian recommends her yet another podcast something he odes nearly every week, whenever he listens to something he thinks will interest her. “So, what do you say you and I grab coffee and see if we have any more in common then where bottles?” Feeling as though her heart is going to burst she nods “sounds good” she smiles at him yet again. She hardly smiles she can almost picturing her friends teasing her for going “soft” but round Luke she’s an entirely different person, she wants to be someone he wants, she feels more herself then with anyone else. perhaps they are finally on their way to be more than gym buddies.

A/N: Just a little short bit based of a conversation I had with someone at the gym. 

REQUESTS ARE OPEN

Some people are like alcohol, for a moment, they make you feel like the happiest person in the universe and the next day it’s all the same and things are back to pain. That’s how things were with you and Ashton. Ashton and you separated at the start of the year when the band went on tour but since he’s been home you keep running back to one another only a night, for a small greedy moment. Opening your eyes you mutter “shit” to yourself recognising the same black and white hanging light indicating you’re in Ashton’s bedroom and given that your clothes are spread over the floor and the amount you had to drink last night it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened. Ashton called you from the bar, it was just down the road from his house and he’d invite you over sending Calum home claiming a stomach bug. The night was always fun with Ashton his hands all over you, lips locked together he knew exactly what you liked but come the morning you see slightly less in sync. “You need to leave I have to get to the studio” Ashton words are blunt as he leaves the bed turning the shower on to warm it up. “Wow you sure know how to make a girl feel special” you spit, fed up of Ashton treating you like a easy cheap shag. “We did date, you can at least treat me with a bit of respect” “I let you stay the night y/n” Ashton reasoned “you’re my ex you shouldn’t be here anyway” “Then stop calling me!” you spat holding firm eye contact. “But you love it, that’s why you always come, forgive the pun” Ashton smirks cockily at you knowing very few have the same effect on you as he does. “God you are something” you rolled your eyes at him. “Shut the door on your way out” Ashton stalks pff towards the bathroom heading into the steamy shower. You know you should have left but  just like alcohol Ashton was addictive and you couldn’t help but follow him, Ashton was dangerous and your relationship with him even more so. But you knew there was a temporary solution that could ease the tension from the room. You step into the shower pulling Ashton closet and pressing a hard kiss on his lips before he has any time to say anything. “We never do this sober y/n” he mutters but his hands are on your hips his lips on his neck, “why not we know it works?”. Ashton moves his lips to yours the kiss deepening as he traces your entrance with his fingers teasing you, you moan against his lips as he slowly inserts his fingers into you and begins pumping. “Ashton faster please” you demand and Ashton complies, your nails digging softly into his back and then your pressed against the shower wall the cool titles pressing against your warm body as Ashton speeds the action up, you throw your head back moving your hands to Ashton’s hair as you reach your climax. “Look me in the eyes” Ashton orders you and you do as your told, the pleasure causes you to squeeze your eyes right at he hits you right where you need it most, even with your eyes closed you can picture Ashton’s cocky smirk as he watches you loose it under his touch.

You finish your shower changing and then meeting Ashton in the kitchen. He’s wearing tracksuit bottoms and no top, a sight you remember from when he was your boyfriend and you’d wake up to him already making you your morning coffee and occasionally pancakes. Jessie’s girl plays quietly on the house speakers and Ashton songs quietly along to it. You smile to yourself the same affection you had for Ashton all those months ago still present, Ashton was definitely made to be loved everything about him just demand to be treasured and adored, you on the other were made to be loved too soft for your own good and a constant need to be liked and to just love, but some people don’t want love, you were starting to think Ashton was one of those. “You know you deserve better” you speak softly when you notice that Ashton is now looking at you “what are you talking about?” Ashton furrows his eyebrows at you “I deserve better, everyone deserves better really but somewhere down the line we mess up, I want to love and you want love, I can tell so don’t try and deny it, technically that should have meant we worked out but now all we do is fuck” “It’s all we’re good at” Ashton let’s a small chuckle escaping his lips most probably thinking of the fun you’ve had in the past. “Maybe, but this isn’t what I want and I know it’s not what you want either” Ashton shrugs taking a sip of his coffee “what are you suggesting y/n?” He raises his eyebrows at you suspiciously. “That either we have a go at being in a real relationship again or we both delete one another’s number that way there’s no chance of us calling when one of us has had too much to drink”. There’s a long pause and you gather up your bag heading towards the door knowing what the silence means Ashton’s just too kind to say it. “Y/N I’m sorry” he opens his mouth to say more but you shrug holding back tears “we tried it once and it didn’t work out I get it” and with that you exit his apartment.

You know that feeling when you’re lying in bed and it’s raining heavy outside and the wind is rattling your windows, but none of that matters because you feel so safe and secure in the worth of your bed. Calum was the human embodiment of that feeling for you, he was the warm duvet pressing tight to your body warming up your cold bones, he was the windows protecting your from the storm of the world. Until, one day he didn’t love you anymore, no real reason just everything he once found cute, and endearing about you he now hated. The way you scrunched your nose up just because he used to find that so cute it just irritated him now, the way you never knew where to eat he lost patience for it. You had spent weeks crying over the break up, searching twitter for any new photos of him, searching for a sign that he was as low as you. Your friend Courtney had her birthday party this week and you know Calum was going to be there, you’d spend the weeks leading up to the party desperately trying to think of the right things to say when you saw him again, but now here he stands all of 6 foot away from you. He’s wearing tight fitted smart casual black trousers and his green empathy hoodie you loved so much. He looked really good smiling brightly, skin glowing and it killed you to know that maybe he’s been doing okay and doesn’t miss you. You decided to slip outside the smell of weed filling your nostrils, you glance up and spot Calum leaning against a wall in a hushed conversation with Ashton. Ashton hands Calum a small package most likely to be LSD or Ecstasy they were always Calum’s go to. You weren’t a fan of his drug use and made it very clear it was the cause of most arguments the two of you had, broken promises about quitting or not being high when he obviously was, it was just lie after lie when drugs were involved. Ashton walks off leaving Calum stood alone, the wind blows sending shivers over your body and Calum pulls his hood up to protect his ears in a way that reminds you of an infant. You take a sip of your drink focusing on a game of beer pong happening in the corner “want to join in?” A familiar voice asks you, you glance up and see Calum stood next to you now , his deep brown eyes reflecting the fairy lights outsides, you always admired the way his eyes reflected whatever they were looking at, a bit like a chamomile they adapted to their environment. “I don’t like beer” you purse your lip a tiny bit annoyed he didn’t remember a basic fact about you. “I know, I just wasn’t sure how to start the conversation” he smiles lips pursed a hopefully look in his eyes. Silence falls between the two of you, Calum lights up a spliff in this time inhaling deeply, he doesn’t bothering offering you any knowing you’d refuse. “How you been Calum?” “Alright, tours kept me busy which is good. Everyone always has loads of parties and nights out when we’re home so even though we’ve been home it’s been busy...struggled to find time time to sit down, relax and have a think to be honest” “You haven’t thought about us?” You ask him your eyes slightly glassed over at the thought that Calum hasn’t thought about you once. “Of course I have, I thought I’d be so busy I’d have no time to but when I was on stage I’d think about especially when playing Valentine, I mean that song was written for you” Calum scoffs dropping his spliff and lighting another immediately. “What about you? You thought of me much?” Calum asks with morbid curiosity his voice timid all you can do is nod, “all the time”.  You shuffle away from Calum a little bit the smoke that’s clouding him becoming a little too much for you. “Do you drink now?” Calum gestured to the plastic cup in your hand “no it’s lemonade” you smile at him “someone’s got to look after everyone else” “You don’t have to look after everyone else all the time, you know that?” “I know...but after my dad I can’t help but think that if I’m sober I can do more to help” “Your dad was an addict. No one here is” “You don’t know that, people are very good at hiding addictions” “Not me” Calum holds up the cigarette in his right hand “plain as day” he offers you a sad smile. You laugh lightly looking back down at the floor, “polar opposite we are” Calum grins up at the night sky. “You can say that again” you both laugh this time. Calum is sweet honey, sunshine and fresh strawberries all things sweet and nice, whereas you are more like a rough tide, a loud voice refusing to be silent,in a different time you would have balanced one another out but there was too much extraneous variables for it to work out this time. the two of you glanced one another out for a while, you glance up at the night sky trying to think of something to say. “I love how you type “ahaha” instead of “hahaha” it’s far more accurate.” Calum speaks up “what?” You respond confused “When you text. Ahaha sounds far more close to someone actually laughing, I miss your grandma texting” You laugh and Calum joins in remembering the way you’d joke about your old woman texting, it’s been a while since you heard Calum’s laugh and you think about the last time you heard it. You’d come home from Luke’s birthday party and had been up talking for hours, it was one of the rare weekends he got home in LA neither of you having to work, you’d almost forgotten what it sounded like till that moment. “I miss you Calum, I’m through lying and the other day a guy at a bar told me he liked my ring, the one you bought me and I realised that despite everything you’re the only person I want to be around.” You immediately regretted speaking “fuck I shouldn’t have said anything, we shouldn’t talk.” “I miss you too, but sometimes love isn’t enough” “Love isn’t enough, then what is Calum” her voice raises slightly. 

“Damnit I don’t know, but that’s the thing with the one who don’t need to know what it is you just need to know. But I don’t know. You deserve someone who doesn’t know why they love you, butt they do it anyway not someone who spends most of his time searching for reasons to love you”. her gaze lowers to the floor tears welling in her eyes “I want you though” she whispers quietly but Calum still hears her, he scoffs before speaking “no you don’t. Trust me. One day you’l meet a boy and he’ll make you feel so whole that you’ll forget all about how empty you’re feeling right now. You don’t want me, you just want someone to love, you’re so used to having people rely on you, you don’t know how to function if you’re not looking after someone else. I don’t need you to look after me. Love yourself, spend time focusing on yourself rather than searching for empty bodies to force your love on” Calum speak soberly taking a drag of his cigarette as the brunette chews on his words. “I don’t know how you feel y/n I’m just offering you the only advice I know”. She takes another sip of her lemonade nodding slowly “thanks Calum”. Calum puts his arm around her pulling her closer, the warmth and comfort Calum brings envelopes her silencing her racing mind but it’s very quickly pulled away and she’s back in the rain again, the weight of the world without Calum pressed against her side. “It’s all a process of moving on and getting over it” Calum speaks so matter factly, she wants to scream at him, hit him, hurt him just because he doesn’t understand but she could never do that Calum she instead she nods smiling softly at him and heading inside, driving home crying the entire way home. 

A/N: sorry about the ending I really struggled with knowing how to end it. Hope you like it, feedback is appreciated. 

REQUESTS ARE OPEN 

Love is exhausting; people expect it to be roses, kisses, sex all the time but that’s not true it’s frustrating, pointless arguments, forgiving and moving on. It’s 12:45 on a Tuesday and Calum is off his head in a club in downtown LA surrounded by his band mates and a few of their friends, he wasn’t too sure why but he needed a break from loving her tonight, just time to be selfish and not worry about her. He’s stood outside a cigarette pressed to his lips when his phone buzzes in his pocket, yet another call from her perhaps the twelfth of that hour. Calum hasn’t picked up any of her calls since he left the studio at 5. He’s not picking up, she doesn’t know where he his, that he’s been drinking. It’s destructive and he knows it,his minds a blur. He loves her, Calum really does but he needs just one night off on where he doesn’t have to answer the call and can ignore their problems. “Mate just pick it up” Ashton appears at his side Calum completely forgot that Ashton had followed him outside. “No I can’t” there’s pause “I don’t know I’m supposed to breath when everything she says is playing on my mind. I need quiet a moment to think about nothing” Calum takes a drag of his cigarette the smoke filling his lungs, pulling on his curly hair a stressed expression painted across his face “I don’t care what she has to say”. Ashton scoffs “that’s a lie. You love that girl I know you do. You need to talk to her that’s how relationships work you communicate”

“Well I wouldn’t know I don’t do relationships, or did you miss that memo” Calum’s sarcastic tone doesn’t sit well with Ashton who fires up at his best friend “so you had your heart broken big deal we all have, it’s how you deal with it that defines you not what they did.” Calum rolls his eyes too drunk to understand the logic behind Ashton’s words. “You’re going to lose her if you carry on this way” Ashton warns before disappearing back into the club. Calum phone rings again, it’s her and instead of doing what he knows he should do and pick it up Calum’s turns it off. Calum’s pity party continues for the rest of the night until the clock strikes two am and he’s heading to the bathroom and he walks straight into the familiar scent of his girlfriends favourite perfume, it’s one Calum got her for her birthday last month he owns his own bottle and sprays it when he misses her whilst he’s on tour. “Y/N” the words barley come out of his mouth, his breaths hitches in his throat. He could almost cry the pain he’s cause her evident in her face. She’s wearing her pyjamas a pair of Calum’s jogging bottoms and an old John Mayer concert t-shirt, she glares at Calum “outside now” the words cut through Calum’s skin and he silently obeys his head hung low. “Do you want to explain what’s going on Calum?” She folds her arms over her chest, it feels foreign to hear her call him by his full name as opposed to the nickname “baby”. Calum takes a seat on the wall at the edge of the garden lighting up a cigarette but he’s only taken one puff when she hits it out of his hand “you’re quitting Calum and I can smell it all over you. You’ve definitely reached your daily limit”. Calum awkwardly shoves his lighter back into his pocket a pang of quilt forming in his stomach. “I’m sorry” Calum shrugs “this love thing it’s harder than I thought. We’ve been fighting so much recently I just wanted a moment to think about nothing and for tonight I could pretend everything’s fine. I know we’ve got our problems and I love you-“

“Calum it is you and I versus the problem, not you and I versus one another you shutting me off and ignoring me is such a dickhead move and it might have worked in the past but I am your GIRLFRIEND. I WILL NOT stand for this”. She looks him dead in the eye standing her ground in a way no girl ever has with Calum before. It’s getting pretty deep in the am and all she wants is to be curled up in bed with Calum the rest of the world silent, but instead she’s had to drive 40 minutes to come and force her boyfriend to talk to her. “This is just my problem I’m solving, I’ve got a lot on my mind” Calum tugs on his curls again, she swears if he did that anymore he’d pull his hair out. “You think this isn’t difficult for me? That sometimes I don’t want a night off?” She raises her voice slightly “of course I do but I don’t run away from I talk to you about it because I know I’m the days where I feel as though I can only give 30% you will give 70% and love me extra hard cause sometimes we need that. Why couldn’t you let me do the same?”. The idea that Calum felt as though he couldn’t come to her breaks her hurt. “It’s just how I am. It’s not healthy I know and I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done it. I just don’t want you to think of me as less of a man” she wraps her arms round his neck “baby that is never going to happen, the only thing you’ve got to lose to me and you, I’m not going anywhere. You can push and push but I’ll keep coming back, I’m pretty stubborn in case you didn’t know” Calum smirks fully aware of how stubborn his girlfriend can be when she wants, he places his hands on her curvy hips leaning closer to her. “You’re an example of better things to come and I’m excited to see what other better thing you bring into my life. I’m so sorry about tonight I promise next time to talk to you I’m just still learning” Calum purses his lips together before kissing her lips lightly.

“We’re all works in progress Cal” she runs a hand through his hair “communication is key just remember that”

Calum always found it difficult leaving you to go on tour the way your light green eyes would stare into his slightly glassed over as you waved goodbye at the airport, but there was nothing like you and knowing he got to go home to you tonight made all the distance worth it. Calum rushes of stage his arm raised waving to the crowd before he turned to where you were stood side of stage wrapping both his arms round engulfing you in the warmth of his stage heat. “You did amazing baby” you tell him hugging him back tightly the velvet of his jacket feeing soft against your skin. Calum presses a small kiss to your forehead his eyes meeting yours, Calum loved capturing the way your eyes looked watching him on stage, a sight he never wanted to forget, your eyes had always been his favourite feature of yours, he told you all the time little did he know his deep brown eyes were your favourite, yours didn’t even begin to compare. Calum takes your hand in his leading you backstage “I’m going to change then we can go back to the bus?” You nodded head at the brunette boy smiling brightly, “sounds perfect” Calum kisses your cheek before rushing off to get changed. He appears moments later wearing grey sweatpants and a plain white t-shirt, Calum throws a 5sos hoodie on before reaching out and taking your hand again using his thumb to rub small circles into the back of your hand.

The bus is somewhere the you had become familiar with over the time you’d been seeing Calum but it still felt very unfamiliar, “I know it took me almost a year to get used to it, and I lived on it everyday” Calum laughed when you’d confessed to him that the bus was probably the most familiar unfamiliar place, reality feels a little shifted when you step into Calum’s moveable home. You kick off your boots when your in the back of the bus cuddling up next to Calum, you stare at Calum admiring the way his nose scrunches and how his tongue sticks out ever so slightly as he flicks through Netflix trying to decide what to play in the background, he settles with Brooklyn nine-nine both of having seen every episode enough times to quote them and finish the lines. You snuggle into Calum’s side his arm wrapped over your shoulder. “I’m glad you could make it tonight” Calum whispers

“Me too” you glance up at Calum his brown eyes glowing from the bright colours on the tv. “I missed you so much, I wish you didn’t have to leave tomorrow”

Calum was always soft, it was something you had always admired about him his ability to be kind and gentle to those even when they didn’t deserve it. It was the soft laugh you had grown so used to hearing back in your year 9 science lessons as the quieter of the two mischievous boys sat opposite you burnt various things they found lying on the table on the bunsun burner. It was the soft curls you loved to run your hands through as you lay in bed listening to a Frank Ocean record the raining pouring down outside, it was his soft deep brown eyes you searched for whenever you entered a room.

You were the opposite of soft your green piercing eyes shooting daggers at everyone even sometimes Calum, your fiery red hair been the first thing Calum spotted in a crowd. You didn’t do soft and sweet at least not on the outside, Calum on the other hand wore his heart on his sleeve until that fight. Yet another fight over some dumb party you really wanted to go but Calum just wanted to stay home and relax, watch a movie spend some quality time with his girl now he was home from your, but you were going wether he liked it or not, so when your friend Jessica arrived and Calum still wasn’t going you grabbed your wine and went without him.

If stumbling back in at 5 am to shirtless Calum with a book open on his chest, blanket half on him half on the floor as he fell asleep waiting for you to get back wasn’t enough of a sign that you shouldn’t have gone last night then the hickeys on your neck that Calum definitely didn’t give you were. You cursed bits of last night coming back to you, heading into the bathroom you quickly shower before taking in your neck in the mirror. It is covered in smaller and larger red, fresh bruises that Calum will definitely notice. Heading into the bedroom you pull on a turtle neck and some jogging bottoms quickly. “Morning wild thing” Calum cracks a soft smile struggling to stay mad at you for too long “mornin’” you can’t bear to look him in the eyes and see his deep oak eyes staring at you with so much love. Calum makes his way towards you his arm snaking around your waist as he goes to kiss you but you pull away only allowing him to kiss your cheek. Calum frowns clearly surprised “look sweetheart if this is about last night, we can talk about it. I’m sorry you’re right at 23 you should be allowed to go out and have fun”. Calum apologising almost made you burst into tears if only he knew, you knew you had to tell but how could you bring yourself to be the person to break that softestness.

You sat down on the bed tears threatening to fall “Cal sit please” you looked up at his sleepless eyes pleading to find any kind of strength in his eyes but there was none. “I’m so sorry” you choked out the words barley making a sound and you brought your hand to your mouth to muffle your cries. “Y/N what’s wrong?” Calum’s voice laced with concern as he moves closer to you placing his arm round you reassuringly “no!” You snap standing up “I don’t deserve any of this. Everyone was right I’m too harsh for you Calum, you need Sunday morning sunshine but I’m Monday morning rush hour.” Claim looks at you bewildered, his befuddled brain refused to believe there was a problem. “I...I” You choke again more tears falling, “the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you Calum, but it’s all I ever do it’s all I’m any good at”

“No! No! No!” Calum shouted refusing to believe what he thought you were saying. The softestness was gone replaced by a cold hard stare in his eyes that felt strong enough to put you in your grave right then and there and as Calum ran his fingers through his hair tugging on it ferociously as he paced you almost wished you were in your grave. “I’m a fuck up Calum I’m sorry, I warned you you are too soft for me”

“Fuck off! Don’t turn this around on me! This is all you I don’t want to go to one stupid party and your cracking on with the first guy you see” Calum shouts at you something he’d never done before and it’s scary his body tensing, jaw clenched, eyes dark, shoulder hunched ready to strike. No longer sweet like honey he turns to you voice cold and dry “You should go Y/N” he spits turning away you, his shoulders slouch and you notice him bring his hands to his face wiping away a few tears. “You can come get your stuff another day...when I’m not here...I don’t want to see you ever again” the coldness in his voice sends shivers down your spine as you turn tears streaming your face towards the door of the apartment that holds everything that once was yours and you loved.

After a week Calum’s finished crying living solely of whiskey and some out of date prescription pill, no one visits assuming he’s busy been so in love with his perfect girlfriend. Calum find solitude in being alone writing song after song, after song, about her, about their past, their future and about himself now as a dark and broken man with so many questions that he can only assume are at the bottom of the vodka bottle in his kitchen cupboard.