anna

i think my job is making me dumb. in the sense that it consumes so much of my energy during the day that i dont feel like doing anything creative or anything else at all after i get off. i dont feel like reading news articles, i dont feel like watching movies or shows, i dont feel like finishing my books, i dont feel like sticking to my hobbies. i often find myself choosing the least taxing entertainment options: going out or hanging at a friend’s house, scrolling or going for a walk with an audiobook that i would mark dnf if i had picked it up in physical form. when you get accustomed to cheap dopamine rushes, your brain gradually atrophies, yet it’s so hard to rewire.

learning not to return to places where I miss the past but see no future

i'm thinking about charlotte brontë spending her last years editing and publishing her sisters' writings and about christopher tolkien dedicating his life to the protection and meticulous reconstruction his father's life's work and about johanna van gogh publishing the letters between vincent and theo that would propel vincent van gogh into fame because she knew how much her husband had loved his brother, and about how so often art isn't just a reflection of the artist's mind and skills but a testament to the fact that they were loved

So it turns out I actually have to build the life I want to live

and I do not have to be good or walk on my knees for a hundred miles to feel like i deserve it