sillybun

✧( ̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:̲̅]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅ )✧

this blog will contain themes of the following: ED/ARFID, SA/COCSA, medical malpractice(?), physical/emotional/sexual abuse, virginitiphobia, gender dysphoria, age regression, self harm, suicide, self loathing, vomiting, emetophobia, paranoia, hallucinations, trust issues, abandonment issues, dissociation, depersonalisation, depression, needles/injections, blood, implied sexual content (but never directly stated, as I am a minor), bones/skeletons (I will add to this later!)

DNI/DNF: anti-recovery (will add to this later!)

if you want to be friends with me please let me know (not just for venting purposes ofc), I follow back from a different account because this isn’t my (abandoned) main!!!

please know before interacting with me that I am diagnosed with autism, adhd, depression, anxiety/social anxiety, chronic pain, POTS, cerebral visual impairment/CVI, endometriosis, and hyper mobility, and could have (suspected) bpd, bipolar disorder, chronic migraines, and ehler danlos syndrome! some of these things may affect how and when I interact with people, though I will always try to apologise if I have done something wrong! I am aware that mental/physical illness doesn’t excuse it if I were to do/say anything bad, but it might play a factor into it still!

personal tags (work in progress):

꒦꒷fresh wounds꒷꒦ - s/h related

゛I’m sorry ⸝⸝.ᐟ⋆ - general things/sui related (will make a separate tag for sui stuff later)

｡𖦹despair disease°‧ - sickness and hospital related

⤷ I'M DOOOOONE ᵎ!ᵎ ˎˊ˗ - angry/loud

𑣲 please don’t hate me!⋆.˚ - s/a & cocsa related

꒰ྀི১I’m soryyyyyy!໒꒱ིྀ - agere related

My current interests are: forsaken (I don’t play the game anymore though), Die of death, Pressure, blocktales, anchored, Dandy’s world, let him go, phighting, drawnout, Paul’s journey, HWWHP, duality, the moon i rot behind, Alan and Liam, bad things, regretevator, Brandonworks, cd archive, Itzskeet_playz, Recallahollowheart, Kazooskitsyt, lost girl terminal, iHasaFaceLulz, Seildirectory, AReGect, SFAWTDE, CRK/cookie run kingdom, Danganronpa, Doki Doki Literature Club, Vocaloid (I will add to this sometimes!)

characters that I relate to/copinglinks (I will be very happy if you refer to me by any of their names): Mequot (DoD), Solar (anchored), Shelly Fossilian (DW), Gourdy Holloway (DW), Bassie Bloomington (DW), Broken Spawn (LHG), Sword (phighting), Booker (drawnout), Thomas (hwwhp), Rui (duality), Travis (tmirb), Andrew (bad things), Lampert (regretevator), Melanie (regretevator), Brandon (brandonworks), Jacob (cd archive), Skeet (Itzskeet_playz), FaceLulz/Aubree (iHasaFaceLulz), Micha (AReGect), Pom-Pom dough cookie (crk), Stardust cookie (crk), Mikan Tsumiki (danganronpa), Yuri (DDLC)

music that I listen to: (will add later!)

I might start adding sign-offs on posts soon, just so people know who I’m more-so in the headspace of

If I ever disappeared I wouldn’t want any trace or memory of myself to remain, maybe then evreone would be at peace. either way I remain a broken, mangled mess of parts that don’t even feel like mine anymore. nothing feels like it belongs to me anymore. it feels like I’ve had my skin peeled back layer by layer over the coarse of my life and am desperately trying to cling onto my insides, for what, I don’t know

I felt the same kind of physical sensations you get when accidentally seeing gore online for the first time, but I was hoping that I’d just misunderstood, so I said “yeah- but I can put in the effort too though…?”

they look at me, really look at me, up and down. my stupid broken body, my feeding tube, my veins that stick out on my arms too much for their liking, my shaky hands, and says “Hm, yeah, sure.”

I would take care of a baby if I could, I really would. but my body has been through too much and my genetics are so bad that either me or the baby, or even both would probably just die. that, and my tokophobia. even if I didn’t have those issues, I don’t believe that I would mentally be able to cope with a baby. plus I have lifelong medical problems that could require sudden medical intervention, and as much as I would hate to leave them on their own I’d like to at least have the peace of mind that and older child could somewhat look after themselves and comprehend what is happening in the hour or so it takes for someone to temporarily step in to fill my place where as a baby is just a little baby who literally can’t do anything by themselves (not their fault of course, I just don’t think it’d be a good idea for me to have one).

I would literally love to have a baby but I just can’t for so many reasons. I had to stop myself from bawling my eyes out at my aunties house earlier today as I held the baby in my arms (I kept holding them even when my whole body ached from being so still, but it was so worth it all) and thought to myself “I can never have this.” I accepted it a long time ago, and don’t plan on changing my views on this, but it still hurts. It’s a dull, throbbing kind of ache, like a bruise that you can’t stop touching. some days it’s easier to think about it than others.

tl;dr: my sibling said adoption isn’t valid because I’m not putting in the effort to raise a baby and I’m still reeling about it. I’ve already bawled my eyes out too much to think or type coherently anymore, I am just so tired. everyone has told me similar things for the past five or so years. my mother talks about how she’ll never be able to have grandchildren and how adopted ones aren’t the same and I am so, so, so sorry

I miss the feeling of your hands against my head I miss your hands on my chest I miss you so much it’s sickening

I’m actually so disgusting I know that I talk badly about you a lot now that you’ve left me but I don’t mean it I swear there will always be parts of me that will love parts of you I don’t think that I was made for hatred, I can never hate someone fully no matter how hard I try to

my hands are so cold and it stings but it’s thr closest thing k have to you now.!

my feeding tube has to be changed every three months, sometimes sooner. my community nurses ignored me asking them to change it sooner because it didn’t feel right, I’ve barely been able to get out of bed. my stomach feels bruised, the type of nausea you only experience post-surgery. I can’t go five minutes after a meal without vomiting some, if not all of it back up.

I wanted to be positive about this but I have a degraded, most likely infected 50cm of plastic inside of me starting at my nostril and ending at my sternum, so I’m sorry but that’s kind of difficult right now /gen

I’m not tagging this, I don’t really know is anyone will care, everything just hurts so much right now. if I’m online it will be me doomscrolling to distract myself from the fact that I’m useless for the time being (I did manage a bit of housework though, thankfully)

also unrelated but I ws having a session earlier and sliced into a particular part of my thigh really hard and the cut was literally so perfect the slice was so clean and opened wide beautifully and it made a mess everywhereee <333

ghdhdhdb my eyes huuurttt I mean everything always hurts but my eyes are just weird right now

the cuts on my thigh keep opening up again and again I need to stop touching them but I can’t help ittt and my stupid body is all messed up because I missed a meal I don’t really care though because the muffins weren’t raw and didn’t burn sooo yaaayy!!!

kind of hard to clean when you’re anaemic tbh though, once I start bleeding I literally can’t get it to stop. Kind of annoying sometimes because my cvts fill before I can see the insides properly sometimes so sometimes I have to guess whether I hit deep styro or beans based off of blood and/or depth if I don’t have time to look at them properly.

I’m scared, my heart is pounding. I always get like this the moment before I can do something. I still have a few hours to think about which one I should take. I’m scared to die. I really hate to admit it but as much as I know that I deserve it and it would make things easier for everyone, I’m really scared.

sometimes I wish that the choice could be taken out of my hands, like when I got really “sick” once. the nurses told my mother to “make me comfortable” and that there was nothing more that they could do. I remember hoping for it, praying in my head that the night would finally come where I could feel my fingertips again. I was numb, I couldn’t feel my jaw, and I was beginning to lose feeling everywhere else. I wonder if that’s what death will feel like, just a little bit faster. It was like I’d been dipped in numbing cream.

I won’t be tagging this, because I don’t want to worry too many people- not that I assume people would worry for me, but it’s just natural human instinct I believe. if I go through with it, like I probably should, then I want everyone to know that I love them, especially if you were a closer friend of mine! and I’m very sorry that it had to end this way. there’s so much more that I could say, but I have to make up my mind within the next few hours. I love you all, really, I love you! my heart is overflowing with love for all of you! even if we never spoke, I have love in my heart for everyone! I mean it! <333

I cry about being alone, I hate being alone, but I only have myself to blame. sometimes I feel like it would be easier if everyone could just forget me, I’m not a very nice person tobe around. I’m not a very good friend to have, I rapidly switch between obsession and withdrawal and I know that it must be even more exhausting for others than it is for myself.