I Dunno

Anyone who cleans public restrooms should automatically make $100/hr

Man no one even remembers laptop in bed. It was laptop in bed for years. Now it's just phone in bed. Maybe tablet. But usually phone. So much has changed

This and also a woman wanting or being okay with kids in her life in one capacity does not give you the right to question why she doesn’t want them in other capacities. Just because a woman DOES want to be the fun auntie doesn’t mean she has to also want to actually participate in the nitty gritty of childcare. And just because she works in a job that involves kids like teaching doesn’t mean she wants them involved in her personal life. And just because someone’s a mom that doesn’t mean she has to be okay with looking after other people’s kids

i bring a "technically i could do this tomorrow" energy to things that tomorrow me really resents

This is the first time in my life when it's actually fair to criticize the President for gas prices. I've spent so many years explaining to people that Presidents have pretty limited influence over the price of oil and that they do not have a magical lower-gas-prices button on their desk, I almost forgot that the President does actually have a raise-gas-prices button on their desk called "start a war with Iran for no reason"

You ruined a perfectly hot middle aged man by giving him abs

"you wouldn't want that in real life" yeah i know it's called playing pretend, try to keep up

yeah actually we removed the big bad wolf from the little red riding hood story because portraying violence against minors is really messed up. yeah. yeah also the wolf narrative was really predatory and had had some icky grooming vibes and a fable meant for literal children shouldn’t have implied p*do shit and grape so now little red riding hood goes into the woods and nothing happens and she goes to grandma’s house. don’t worry our kids will still stick to the path and know not to follow to wolves implicitly because we told them to and children should always do as their told. just like little red riding hood does now.

“what are you doing this weekend” i am going to fantasy land. i am hiding under the covers in bed. i am making things up. i am contemplating events that didnt happen. i am talking to fake people. i am listening to my tunes. i am envisioning scenarios

Superhero in 60's comic: Jack Anjil was chopping a tree when a truck of chemicals crashed and spilled on him. This caused him to be fused together with his axe. He is now Lumberjack. Same character by modern day: A cosmic force known as the Tool shed which connects everyone with tool based powers made that chemical spill happen because it chose for Jack to be fused with his axe.

sorry i barked when i saw your happy trail do you still want me