no way, baby. i'm it.

Yeah well, usually my first impressions have people afraid of me and/or ready to punch me in the face, so I say you did well.

Funny, I get the same reaction. But, I usually punch people first before they ever punch me. I much prefer having fear instilled in everyone that I come across with.

That’d be…uh, six days ago. A while, I know, care to change that? Wait, actually, was that the Wednesday, no –– yes. Maybe? It was a Wednesday, that much I know. Her name on the other-hand…

You know, I honestly was considering changing that, but, your odd "humor" totally set yourself back a couple of paces, so, it's going to take a lot more convincing, now.

So far in this conversation, you’ve suggested that I drop out of college and become a stripper, completely blow off my assignment and take drugs… I like you. I’m Kim.

This might have been the best first impression I've ever made. I'm Brook, and I like your face. A lot.

Though I don’t doubt I wouldn’t be an awesome ass stripper, I’m looking more into long time careers. When I’m old and wrinkles start to envelop my body, G-Strings just don’t have the same effect.

Alright, true. If I were you, I just wouldn't do the assignment all together, but, that's just me. I would lie and say that I'm still in that summer slump, where I just don't feel like doing anything, but, nope I'm just lazy. Cool kids use adderall instead of caffeine, you know.

Okay, I have an essay due tomorrow and an article deadline. I’ve been waiting fifteen minutes for my coffee… see the problem? Do I have to climb behind the fucking counter and make it myself?

Drop out, become a stripper, make a lot of middle-aged married men happy. 

Sounds like someone is having fun.

I think you and I may have different definitions of the word "fun". Laser tagging, or throwing bottles against a brick wall is totally fun. I feel like sex there is more gross than fun.

Apparently someone having a better time than me.

I mean, out of all places to get some ass in this school, the computer lab? It's hot in there, as is. "Hey, honey, I know how to spice up our sex life -- let's do it around a bunch of computers." Too lame.

Hey, be nice with those balls, alright. They’re precious to me. 

When was the last time you even got laid, Lover Boy?

I feel like I’ll regret that somehow, but okay. As long as it doesn’t involve murder or arson. That’s not fair though. Knowing the single most embarrassing moment in our nation’s history has nothing to do with how gay I am. Did you just say Justin Timberfart? Because if I heard you right, I think I might be able to guess your birth year. Well, at least you’re honest, and I guess I can’t ask for much more. My favorite movie’s from the 90’s, a real classic. Edge of Seventeen, which is really, really cliche of me to love. And there’s this really Korean soap opera called To the Beautiful You… It sounds really sappy and dumb, but let me assure you, it’s about 10 times worse than you can imagine. Please tell me your favorites are at least half of bad as those?

You're asking a lot from me, but I'll try not to involve those two. Listen, okay, Justin Timberfart isn't as attractive as everyone makes me out to be. He looks like a moldy sandwich. I definitely did not know Edge of Seventeen was a movie, just a Stevie Nicks song. And, for some reason, I'm not surprised you watch a Korean soap opera in your spare time. I feel like this is going to make me sound like a complete cliche, but my favorite TV show is Orange is the New Black, and my favorite movie is a tie between The Godfather series and The Goonies. I was once told that liking 80's movies makes me more personable, so. As far as The Godfather goes, I'm a sucker for a young Al Pacino and, you know, all the blood.

Sorry, you’re right. Your plans are completely foolproof and you should go on right ahead doing them. Oh, gross, 2002. Wasn’t that the year Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears wore the all-denim outfit? I’m awful with fashion, but even seven-year-old me knew that was a bad move. You can’t ask those questions and then laugh at my answers, okay? Promise?

Thank you. Next time I have an amazing prank that requires two souls, I'm dragging you with me. Okay, all you had to say was that to prove to me that you're no straight. Dude, I barely remember what year I was born in, I'm not going to remember when Justin Timberfart and Britney Sprite wore matching outfits. I'm totally going to laugh, probably, but I'll try not to make it so obvious on here. I promise. Scout's honor, and all that.

It was one time! And I was hungover, so it’s an automatic veto, okay.

Uh huh, uh huh, sure. And I bet you always wear shorts, no matter what the weather.

I wouldn’t call it “tweaking" —— maybe violent withdrawal symptoms, but not tweaking.

Pretty sure that's exactly what tweaking is. Really, dude? That sounds like me every Sunday morning. Or, every morning, actually. You can't just suck it up?

Quick question for science: do you wear Nike sandals with socks on at the same time?

I think it might have something to do with getting a good amount of sleep and drinking more than enough water. Besides, doing the right thing isn’t that tiring. I think it’s more work to try and think of how to mess with people, actually. Well, there’s a hole in that plan. What if the person who has this phone is a guy? Or infertile? Their parents are going to know it’s a prank. Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be doing that one either. Drawing dicks on everything is more of a straight guy thing.

You know, it would mean a lot to me if you just supported my genius plans instead of finding the flaws in them. Hey! Another thing we have in common! I'm totally bendy, straight's too 2002. Quick: what's your favorite movie and television show?

You act like most people wouldn’t try and find the owner. To be honest, I don’t even know what kind of pranks I could pull with this. It has a passcode, so it’s not like I could really do anything. 

It's too much work! Being nice is a lot of work, I don't know how you're not exhausted, like, all the time. Easy, you text their mom and dad that the pregnancy test came back positive and watch the freaking out begin. Ugh, that's lame, though. At least draw a dick on it, or something.

Did someone lose a phone on the fifth floor balcony? I can’t find a name or anything, but it has a pretty cool case on it, and I’m sure whoever lost it is really missing it. 

You are disgustingly nice. Please tell me you at least pulled a few pranks with it before posting this.