Weight Loss Journey

I am about to get as real as I have possibly ever gotten on social media. This is deeply emotional, deep stuff. If cheery, happy posts are your thing, you may want to skip this one.

My entire life I have been a deeply emotional person. For most of my life I have tried my damnedest to hide the emotions. “Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know,” was the anthem of my life years before I was dreamed by Menzel. I feel deeply and words cut me down like a knife.

I was hurt very badly by children when I was younger and transferred to public school for the first time. I was the “weird, quiet girl from the Christian school” and I never stopped being an outsider. I searched my entire school career for a nice group of friends. I did have a friend group for a few years and that turned very, very sour. I never stopped trying. But something inside of me always feared getting hurt, knew deep down I was less than, and was not liked. That’s not to say I wasn’t friendly. I was friendly with the majority of the people I went to school with, but I never found one of those lasting friendships you see in the movies.

Some of those friendships fell apart for simple reasons. Someone transfers, someone changes interests. And some of them were because I seemed to have a knack for saying or doing the wrong thing. In therapy I learned this was a defense mechanism. When I thought someone was going to hurt me, I did the hurting first. It’s so messed up, but that is me.

I cannot describe to you how lonely my adult life has been only having casual friendships. Going through illness, turmoil at work, marital issues, family disputes, everything all normal people experience and your only close friend being your husband. I love my husband dearly and I truly cannot imagine doing life with (or even living with!) anyone but him. He is exactly what I need in so many ways but your spouse cannot also be your best and only friend. There are some things you just need to bounce off of exterior people. I don’t think I will ever truly have what I see other people have. A circle of girlfriends they trust and love dearly.

So why bring this up now? Well, I have been asked why I made the decision to “remove” certain people from my life that I was close to and why I “unfollowed” old friends from social media. I feel like the best way to truly answer these questions, is to explain my history.

Anyone who has known me for more than ~4 years knows that I went through a several years long spell where depression ruled my life. I cried multiple times every single day. I took depression naps every day, sometimes multiple times a day. The depression and anxiety not only controlled many facets of my life but it also caused me physical pain. Beyond that, the depression medication and alcohol packed on pounds. I put on over 60 lbs in less than two months’ time. I sought out and stuck with therapy for the first time in my entire life. I was able to right my ship. I no longer take any depression medication at all. But it wasn’t just talking out my problems that helped me come out the other side. It was a total lifestyle change.

Any good therapist will identify your triggers and help you control them. PTSD, Anxiety, Depression. Things that will never be in the rearview for me but that I control every single day. Part of it involves taking a serious look at the people that you choose to surround yourself with. Certain people in my life were constantly causing turmoil, constantly setting a tone of depression and whining and that often left me in that same headspace. There were triggers on social media. Slowly, over time, with the help of lots of research, I learned that social media sites like Instagram or Facebook where people sugarcoat their life and only post the best of the best can be used to cultivate envy greener than a four leaf clover or it could be rebuilt as a tool to help me in my journey. I unfollowed people who caused me pain, to make me feel like I wasn’t enough, like I was doing things wrong and I followed accounts that posted fitness motivation, healthy meals, home décor and tidying techniques, beautiful landscape art, and accounts that I align with in terms of social justice education.

It has changed my entire life. You truly are what you eat. If you ingest negativity, toxic people, drama, people that make you feel like you aren’t enough, that is what YOU become and believe you are. You have the power to flip the script. Eleanor Roosevelt said “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” So stop giving people that aren’t worth it an access pass to eff up your psyche.

For me this goes beyond unfollowing things that are obviously negative. Things I also take into perspective: does this person add more to my feed/life than they take away? If someone posts things that you overall do not identify with, and frequently raises your blood pressure then you need to make sure that you are getting a heck of a lot out of their other posts. If not, you just unfollow or hide or whatever the case may be and you move on. This isn’t canceling someone. You can still see someone in real life and decide their social media content is not for you. You decide what fits into your daily headspace, and bloodlines or long standing friendships shouldn’t overrule your inner peace.

For years I thought there was something wrong with me because of my empathy. I watch a movie or a news report, cry like a baby when people die. I follow people on social media and though am not deeply close to them, am extremely moved by cancer diagnoses, critical illness, etc. I am effected deeply by issues like BLM and LGBTQ rights and feel so insanely helpless that I cannot help more than I can but also so deeply guilty on a personal and “on behalf of a larger group” level that sometimes it is a physical pain that I feel. Deaths of certain celebrities that I have never met bring me to tears. I thought for so long it was a flaw to be so deeply emotional. But being so empathetic is what helps me relate to people, to grow and see other sides of issues that I was raised oblivious to. I no longer see this trait in such a negative light.

But the other side of being deeply emotional is that you feel ALL emotions deeply. Disappointment. Anger. Frustration. Hope. Darkness. Sadness. You have to guard yourself more, because no one else is going to look out for you, to fight for you. No one else is going to understand the way that words tear you down and replay in your head for hours after they’ve been said like a highlights reel.

Hi! I honestly never know if these reviews are something that will be truly helpful to others but I am someone who spends a little too lot sometimes reading the reviews on Amazon and debating which product to go with. If I have gone through the trial and error or working with a particular product, why not share what intel I do have to make the next gal’s journey a little easier?

Today I am sharing my honest, unpaid thoughts on dry shampoos. I tried several and have found a routine that works super well for me and my hair type.

So what is my hair type, style, and other factors I seem relevant? I have fine, naturally wavy hair. It is VERY susceptible to humidity. I workout at least 5 days a week at a medium to high intensity and get sweaty. My hair is not color treated and the only thing I do to “treat” it beyond cutting it is apply a hair mask a couple times per month. I typically wear my hair up in a bun or ponytail on active days. I style with heat (straight iron or curling iron) 3 or so times per week.

What didn’t work for me:

- Batiste Dry Shampoo. As a disclaimer, the foamy ones don’t work as well for me. This one smelled really good but my hair would look greasy 6-8 hours later.

- Not Your Mother’s Clean Freak. I had to shake this before I used it each time or it would go everywhere. As someone who is a novice at this process it was became tedious. My hair would regain its greasy look hours later with this one, too.

What does work for me:

- R + Co Spiritualized Dry Shampoo Mist. I swear by and live off this stuff. A hair stylist recommended this to me and I have been sold on the most ever since! I spray down my roots , my crown, and any problem areas and then blow dry it all out. It gives me so much body and adds a full 24 or so hours to my style. I use this when I’ve been active and have very sweaty or greasy looking hair (most days for me).

- DryBar’s Detox Dry Shampoo. I’ve used several scents in this line and they all work fairly well and smell divine. For days that I am lightly active (yoga, light walking, etc) and don’t have a ton of sweat or grease I use this. It gives me about 24 hours of relief.

- R + Co Death Valley Dry Shampoo. I don’t normally use this in the traditional sense, though. I use this in place of/sometimes in addition to my hair spray on days that I have greasier ends. It gives me body at my roots and crown and absorbs any stray grease to help me finish out my style.

- Not a dry shampoo, but I discovered the hair spray I was using was also adding “next day grease” after a style. So I switched to Nexxus Finishing Mist. It works well, doesn’t add grease, is easy to work with, and doesn’t have a super strong smell that triggers headaches for me.

I hope this is helpful insight. I am not a hair stylist and don’t have any real knowledge of the industry beyond my own limited experience. At first I struggled so much that I didn’t think my hair type was made for dry shampoo and that I needed to wash it daily. It gets easier and you figure out so many helpful hints along the way.

Let’s talk about b u r n o u t

Y’all know by now that I try to make sure that I am not only sharing the positive and upbeat things that happen to me but also the not so fun stuff too. We all go through it and by trying to tuck it away, we are not acknowledging the space where all the growth happens.

So for those that may not know, I work full time. I also have my own side business (hi @thecraftycamelnc!) and do quite a bit to help my grandma with one of her businesses. In addition to that, I am the head of the Architecture Committee in my neighborhood and also volunteer as much as I can. I say all this to pain the picture that I am a very busy person, as we all are. I am very ambitious and have a very hard time saying “no” when asked to help.

I’ve made a very concentrated effort this year to dive into an eating program called Ultimate Portion Fix. It is a container based system that ensures you are getting all your macros to fuel your body and takes a lot of the tracking aspect (where I normally fail) out of the equation. Learning a new system takes time, grace, and practice. I’m also trying to reintroduce a new bedtime routine to myself. Remembering to do my evening stretch and do all my new “pieces” to this routine is still new.

I’m also doing a whole new workout program for me. This is not uncommon; Beachbody’s library has so many options to choose from and they release new content each year so it’s possible I will never do them all! But learning the new system, tracking my reps, getting my body conditioned to doing Tabatas is not easy. This again requires practice, patience, grace, control.

Pair all of that with allergies and headache issues and you have the recipe for the perfect storm. Sometimes we need to take a step back in order to continue on our journey forward. And so for the past week or so I’ve really been feeling burn out. I haven’t felt like working out most of the days when normally I look forward to it. I’ve had to play catch up a few times when this is a program where doing catch up days is rough on the body. My job adds to the mental strain.

But I took a step back and reevaluated. Do I get myself wound up when I have a lot on my list to do and this adds to the anxiety? Absolutely. Can I look at better managing my time to help with this fallout? Yes, I can. I used to get up at 4:50 in the AM to get up and get ready for the gym. I would do my workout there and then shower and get ready for work there and then head to work and start my day. I would sometimes even get to work at 7 AM. So why am I struggling now to get up at 6:30 to fit in a workout, breakfast, and getting ready to work at home without a commute? It’s cold and I don’t want to, so I give in. But also I have trained myself that I will squeeze that stuff into other times of the day. Which is true, I make time to get all of my stuff done always. But that is contributing to the time management issue.

So this morning I set my alarm to get up closer to my targeted time even though it was a rest day to help train my body to get back in this rhythm. It was sooooo hard to fall asleep last night (my body thinks it doesn’t need to wake up until 7:15 now!). But I got up and started my day and I am proud.

Let’s talk about diets. I do not do them. I can’t stick with them. Or I will not make myself, rather. I am someone that has strong cravings for a variety of things all over the sweet and salty spectrum and I have found it best to simply indulge myself in the things I enjoy in a moderate way and then pick back up the next meal with a better, healthier choice for something my body needs.

As I have alluded to before, I suffered from an eating disorder when I was younger. I did see a counselor for it and underwent treatment. Truthfully, though, issues like that are deeply rooted and are rarely “cured.” You can overcome them and live healthy in spite of that mindset but the seeds are always there.

So what I have done these last two years is research and cultivate a lifestyle that involves better, healthier choices for the long run. A huge part of my new lifestyle involves exercise. Exercise is what kicked off my weight loss journey (and so many more benefits, including being able to drop my depression meds). However, you cannot out-train or out-run a bad diet. Your success will not be long term or as robust as it would be if you changed your diet too.

I tried Weight Watchers. I tried diet pills. I tried intermittent fasting. All the things, and they all lead to the same outcome. Right back in my disordered way of thinking. And then I found Ultimate Portion Fix. You don’t hold back, you don’t cut out whole food groups. No food is the enemy. You don’t get “points” back from exercising (?!!!). They just lay out the foods you should be eating in categories (Carbs, Proteins, Fruits, Fats, etc) and you build your day around that, tracking your containers. I have trouble eating them all, rather than feeling restricted (and hungry!) This system works well for me, but you need to find YOUR niche program or system! Life is not one size fits all!

Getting myself into the frame of mind to exercise consistently was hard. But getting myself mentally prepared to change to a healthier diet long term felt like a fantasy. Trust me when I say I’d I can do it, anyone can do it. I had to completely change the way I look at food. I was raised in a home where we “cleared our plates” to show we were grateful for the food we were able to eat. I grew up in a culture of associating certain (mostly unhealthy) foods with special occasions, holidays, and as rewards. I had to stop looking at food as a treat or something that had to be irresistibly tasty and instead began looking at food as a fuel source. We all need food to live; to survive. But you don’t have to love and be excited about that every single item that crosses your lips. For me, carbs (especially breads) are my favorite. But vegetables, fruit, etc are just as important to being healthy and balanced. I don’t have to enjoy every serving of vegetables but I do need to make sure I am eating more of them.

I feel like this goes hand in hand with taking care of your body. I used to be of the mindset that when you ate too much or “cheated on your diet” you need to exercise extra hard to work it off. Let me tell you, drop that mindset and set it on fire! Your body wasn’t built in a day and one chest meal or day won’t ruin your body (or progress) in the same way that eating one good, healthy meal won’t solve your dietary or health goals. Your body powers your life. It allows you to live the life you do, have the ability to exercise, the ability to think, love, and so much more. Appreciate the body you have, work hard to get in touch with your body, and love it while always working to make it even better. When you are at peace with your body and genuinely appreciate it, you will naturally begin wanting to take care of your body by giving it all the best fuel you need to power it effectively.

A big adjustment for me was water. I know that sounds silly, you need water to live. But I could go a whole meal and only take two sips of water. Now I make sure I always have it with me. I see much better results not only on the scale but in my skin, energy, gut health (I struggle with GI issues), and more if I stick to my 100 Oz a day. Also, water is great, your body is made up of it and you need a lot. But don’t listen to anyone who tells you to chug water when you’re hungry to fight off cravings! This is toxic. Drink your water and eat your food. But don’t drink your water instead of your food!

I was not someone, and still to this day am not someone who can just 100% cut things out of my life. For example, I grew up truly enjoying Dewey’s cake squares. I don’t want to give them up and I don’t need to. What I decided was best for me is using portion control. If I want a cake square, I enjoy one or two and get back to my regularly scheduled program. Denying your cravings will ultimately lead to a binge and dissatisfaction. You can make room in your lifestyle for treats often if you do it in the right proportion.

Those that are trained or gifted in the kitchen may not need this but I really had to learn through trial and error ways to prepare foods that I don’t “get excited” about or have much experience with. I grew up eating very few vegetables so when I started trying to make healthier decisions about my eating, incorporating new vegetables was overwhelming. Pinterest is a great resource and there are tons of cooking pages on Instagram. But ultimately you just have to lean in to the flavor profiles that speak to you and make tweaks to recipes to fit your needs. For example, it feels like 80% of smoothie recipes call for half a banana but I am VERY intolerant to them. So I learned for a lot of recipes, unsweetened applesauce also does the trick. I still struggle with things like spinach and prefer to just blend it into a shake so I don’t really taste it. Baby steps.

One thing that has really helped me is being very intentional. Not just in my meal planning (making sure to stock healthy foods, buying little to no junk, etc) and never setting out to have a cheat day but letting cheat meals naturally occur as needed so a whole day isn’t sabotaged from the start. But also sitting down for each meal and focusing on what todos eating and how you’re feeling. You notice when you’re full way faster that way. As an added bonus, you spend time with the other humans in your life as opposed to the cast of a TV show or your phone. We 100% know we are going to have meals where we deviate from “the plan” we are following, whatever it may be. One “bad” meal won’t break you, just like one “healthy” meal won’t make you lose loads of weight. But I genuinely know from experience that when you wake up with the plan in mind to eat poorly all day, it becomes a free for all and can go south very quickly. Are you craving a donut? Cake? Onion rings? It is 100% fine to go off script and have a serving to fulfill that craving. It does your mind good. We can’t sustain a diet lifestyle of never giving in to anything fun ever. But if you say well, I had a donut for breakfast so I’m gonna make this whole day a cheat day and try to make any normal decisions, you’ll likely wake up with regret (and a food hangover) the next day.

Alcohol is such a touchy subject. Some people need it, some people are 100% against it. I’m team do what you need to do but keep your eye on the prize. I still drink socially (about once a month at this point) but in my day to day hustle I have cut it out entirely. I feel so much better. No headaches. No fullness. Better focus. But that is ME. Incorporate what you need to, keeping in mind the ingredients of your drink of choice.

I hope this was helpful! I am not a registered dietician or anything; just someone who has struggled with diet culture for 3/4 of my life. If you have lots of food sensitivities, I highly recommend seeing an RD, they are super helpful!

- 8 Oz milk of choice (I use coconut)

- 1/2 Scoop Vegan Vanilla Shakeology

- 1 packet Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate mix

- Optional: marshmallows

1. Heat milk in microwave for 90 seconds, or until warm.

2. Add hot chocolate packet and blend until mixed (I used a frother for this but a whisk will work too.)

3. Stir in Shakeology and blend until mixed.

I’m sure this will not surprise anyone but I think it’s helpful to remind people anyway! I have been the most consistent I’ve ever been in this last year and a half or so but I fall off and get back on. I have spurts of 2-3 days where I have god-awful migraines and the thought of pushing myself too hard working out is just way too much so I don’t. 🙅🏻‍♀️ But I get back up and start again. I have times where I crave garbage food like BigMac meals or cake squares so I eat one and I do better. You are *NOT* going to be perfect. Your weight loss chart is going to look like an up and down and flat and all over not a stock market crash chart. Don’t set unrealistic expectations for yourself and always, always give yourself copious amounts of grace! 🌻

No one can make you motivated! Some people can be inspired by other people such as the death of a family member or a family member in a health crisis that scares them straight but you have to find your own why. I repeat. YOU have to find your own WHY. You can’t do it because it’s hip. You can’t do it because of peer pressure. You can’t do it to please others. You have to make a lifestyle change that you want to do or otherwise you will not make it a priority. Nothing will change unless YOU DO. 💪🏽

Let me tell you a secret! 🤫 There is no magic motivation button! There is no formula that works for everyone. Even more crazy, the same thing that gets you up and ready to work this week or even today may not work tomorrow. Everyone is different (and that makes us each beautiful and amazing!) but can be frustrating finding good tools to get you moving. With that said, here are some things I do to try to keep me on track! 👟

* Mix up my workout playlists often and keep several in rotation for different occasions. I have a cardio playlist, running playlist, & lifting playlist. 💃🏻

* Take a pre-workout supplement with green tea when I am feeling sluggish for a little boost when needed. ⚡️

* Layout super cute workout outfits that inspire me to push a little harder on days when I am just not feeling it and lay them out on my bed so I’ll feel lazy skipping out instead. 🩳

* Join challenges on apps like Nike Run Club or similar groups/apps. You would be surprised how motivational achievement-based systems like this are for getting you up and moving! 🏅

I personally have not have a lot of luck with personal one-on-one accountability partners but I know my seasonal run groups offer a lot of support in this way as well. They can be great cheerleaders. I encourage you to find some sort of community to support you and your goals.

The best way for me to stay on track with my nutrition and to have healthier options around the house is to meal prep. When we go shopping I normally have a plan for absolutely everything that goes in the cart. This past week or so was no different but God smiles when we make plans. I have battled the absolute worst migraine I have had in the longest time I can remember over the two weeks or so. I finally ended up in urgent care. Needless to say, I was not feeling up to preparing a lot of the foods that I had purchased. So this weekend I was looking around at all the fruit I had in my fridge that was supposed to be snacks and breakfast that was about to go bad and debated what to do with it.

I decided a fruit salsa for some of the fruit would be a good solution and then I would freeze the rest for add-ins for my Shakeology when I make it. Waste not, want not. I have never made fruit salsa before, I have just seen it done. I looked around on the internet for a recipe that sounded good. Most of them sounded way too sweet for my taste so I adapted from several of them and of course all of the fruit is just what we had on hand. I love that this recipe is a waste free, delicious way to enjoy, in a relatively healthy way things that are about to go bad.

Hauser Fruit Salsa and Cinnamon Chips

For the Fruit Salsa:

· 3 kiwis, peeled and diced

· 1 16 oz carton of strawberries diced

· ½ cup of pineapple cored, peeled, and diced

· ½ cup of honeydew peeled and diced

· 1 jalapeño, seeded and diced

· Sprinkling of blueberries halved

· 1 tablespoon of white sugar (more or less to taste)

· 1 teaspoon of brown sugar (more or less to taste)

· 2 Tablespoons Marmalade or fruit preserves

For the Cinnamon Chips:

· ½ Cup white sugar

· 1 Tablespoon Cinnamon

· 6 flour tortillas (8 or 10 inch work best)

· Butter

Instructions:

1) In a mixing bowl, thoroughly combine your assortment of diced fruit, the marmalade, white and brown sugar. Cover and refrigerate for about 10-15 minutes. This is best prepared and enjoyed same day.

2) Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

3) Mix ½ cup of white sugar with 1 Tablespoon of cinnamon. Sit aside.

4) Cut your tortillas into your desired shapes for dipping.

5) Next, coat the tortillas with a light coating of melted butter.

6) Then take the sugar and cinnamon mixture and use it to toss onto both sides of the tortillas.

7) Bake 8 to 10 minutes or until golden brown and crispy.

🩳👟

I should probably start this off by saying I am not normally a shorts person. Especially around the house and for working out. I have thick thighs 🦵🏽 and that is not an especially conducive feature for shorts.

When I wear shorts out in the summer they are normally Lilly Pulitzer or Crown and Ivy in the summer time and they are for a nice dinner or during a beach trip. Even then I prefer at least a five inch inseam and I am still very self conscious of my legs. Long history 🗄 of confidence issues that I won’t bore you with today.

But in the era of quarantine and 100+ heat index, I decided that more shorts in the wardrobe for casual wear would be extremely helpful, which brings us to this review!

My first purchase was a set of two bike shorts from TJ Maxx. I went in there because I desperately needed a good deal on smaller sports bras and a water bottle with a handle for walks (50% success on that) but found these near the front while there and decided to take a chance. They’ve been great for at home workouts and have great stretch and feel amazing. Also perfect for yard work and cleaning days when it’s just plain hot. At $10 for the set I’m calling these a must have.

The other set I’m reviewing is the Essential Mid-Rise Knit Short from Target by All in Motion. I got these in grey and plum to have some variety. I wanted these more so as a short I could hang out in and pair with T-shirts when hot. These are perfect for that and could maybe work for yoga but I would probably get chafing using them for other exercise. They do have pockets which is always a bonus. They are a slicker material not cotton like I was expecting, so noting that as well. These are a littler higher, $14 a pair but still a pretty good value.

I’m bringing #thirstythursday back, #fitness edition. 😂

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I am typically someone who just drinks water while I workout. I drink Gatorade the day I workout occasionally to help with electrolytes.

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If I am going to be working out for very long or doing something like cardio/pretty taxing I normally mix up a scoop to scoop and a half of #energize pre workout before I get ready to workout. For the first time today I tried some of the #hydrate that is part of the performance line as well. I used it during my #mm100 workout.

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The instructions say to use 1 scoop per 8 Oz and I did alter it to do 12 Oz for the scoop because I was worried about the citrus flavor but I found the flavor was not overpowering at all. I think it would be nice to use when I want to switch it up from regular water or need some additional electrolytes.

As a general rule, I am not someone who buys clothes, especially active wear items brand new. However, since the quarantine has been going on I have been going through every room in our house and I have made netted over $400 so I decided to treat myself.

               I shopped around and decided to on Old Navy for my investment. Partially because their sale seemed best and partially because a lot of the active wear that I already own is from there. What I have actually bought from brick and mortar retail stores (albeit the clearance rack exclusively) has been from there because I love what the fit of their stuff that I have found at Goodwill so much. I was hoping the same would ring true for the leggings, which I really needed more of because those are a little harder to find and make more in your size from thrifting.

              So what I knew was that the XXLs from thrifting were way too big and needed belting if I was going to keep wearing them, which is not a thing with active wear leggings. I also knew that the few random boutique style leggings I had in size large (whatever that means) also worked but didn’t know what they equated to. So I decided to order the XL to be safe. I ordered a variety of long leggings and capri pants. Ya girl is thick cannot do shorts for any situation except laying in the sun or doing yard work. Designs are great and colors are great but I was really just interested in utility. I bought them because they had pockets and the price was ideal. I am basically a man.

              I just got one pair of full length leggings as we are headed into summer (though they are calling for snow in some parts of the country this week). The cut I got are the High Rise Elevate Legging by Old Navy and they are a 7/8 Ankle pant. Which I didn’t know what any of that shit meant until yesterday. These leggings are so soft. Like the butter soft that LLR advertised? These deliver on that. They are always great in the compression department to me because while we have made progress in the muffin top department, the bakery is far from closed. I wore the Elevate leggings for a walk in the neighborhood with the dog where focus is required and there are changes in elevation and also for some stretching. They were super durable for both. I wasn’t constantly pulling them up like you are in some pants and they were breathable and a comfortable thickness.

              The true seller for me in this pair and all three pairs I got from Old Navy in this set is the side pocket. They all have side pockets on both sides which I cannot tell you how excited that made me. And it is a good sized pocket. I have an iPhone 8 Plus and it fit with a case and pocket socket on it in the pocket without issue and felt secure. These also have a key pocket in the inside back waistband.  They all come up fairly high on me (tummy height, just a little below my ribs and I am about 5’7” for reference).

              All three Old Navy pairs have been worn for walks and workouts both (think lots of stretching, squats, and maneuvering and held up great. I recommend them equally for someone who does lots of exercise as well as someone who just wants super comfortable leggings to hang out in that happen to have pockets.

              Next up were a couple of Lilly Pulitzer leggings. I initially purchased the XL in Lilly and they were so big that I was constantly pulling them up and had to send them back. The prints in the leggings are super cute but I found that they are super thin and the colors tend to stretch pretty thin when they are on which is not very flattering. They don’t offer a lot in the compression department but they are pretty breathable which is a must for me. You cannot beat the prints in Lilly. They also have matching sports bras and tops to boot, which is awesome. I did ultimately return one of the Lilly leggings, sadly.

              I earned so many reward dollars from Old Navy that I bought a pair of clearance Athleta leggings so stay tuned for that! I will return an update. I hope this has been helpful. I will use it myself as a reference point for reordering in the future. Thanks for reading!

I haven’t shared a transformation pic on here lately so I thought I would share one today. The first set is June 2018 (size XXL) versus last week (wearing a loose XL).

A few years ago, shortly before the Marie Kondo craze happened, I read the book ‘Seven’ by Jen Hatmaker. To say it was eye opening for me is an understatement. I’ve been a lifelong hoarder of all sorts of crazy stuff. I am definitely one of those people that assigns a sentimental value to objects and then because of that sentimental attachment keeps things way past their useful stage in my life. For example, I had a skirt that I wore for Career Day in elementary school when my mom let me dress up as Baby Spice. I still had this skirt a few years ago when I started to do what I call closet cleanses. To compound this hoarding issue, I married a guy who still has the bulk of his middle and high school wardrobe and nearly every possession from his childhood, in our home no less. Both of us have closet space in the closet off of master bedroom but we also each have a dresser in a guest room that we fill how we wish and I have dresses and long skirts hanging in a guest closet. One of my biggest goals in doing these cleanses is to eliminate the need for the additional storage space throughout the house.

Among other stages of deep cleaning such as diet, etc., Jen Hatmaker’s book calls for you to pick out seven different outfits that you are meant to wear in rotation during this experience. That’s right: seven pieces of your wardrobe that you are allowed to wear, and nothing else. The idea is that this forces you to realize what you actually need to keep to have an adequately robust wardrobe and what in your closet you’re holding onto that you will never actually use. It’s a more effective plan, in my opinion than the traditional advice of turning the hanger backwards on all your clothing and then turning them back as you wear it. Because if you’re me, you lose track of when you did that and have to start all over. While I didn’t go quite as drastic when following the journey outlined in the book (I cheated and picked 7 wardrobe items from each category), I was still very inspired to then go through all my clothing.

I did my first of many clothing cleanses right after I wrapped up that experience. I went through each item in the closet and asked myself when the last time I had worn the item in question was and if it was something that I could and would actually wear again. I donated the clothes that met a certain size requirement to someone who was in desperate need in town, sold the items that I could, and donated the rest to charity. I have since done this many times. I now actually make it a habit to go through this process each time the season changes in an effort to keep the closet to a reasonable level. I truly want to be more of a “closet minimalist” but I do not know if that is in the cards for me. However, I am working on it.

Those that have been following me for a while know that I am on a weight loss journey. When I was prescribed the depression medication and ballooned up to my biggest, it happened rather rapidly. One day I was a size 16 (and all of my clothes were, too) and 3 weeks later only LLR leggings would fit me (when I later did buy clothes to fit I was a size 22). Because I had invested a small fortune in my smaller wardrobe, I didn’t want to just sell it off or donate it. Instead I bought some under bed storage totes and packed them with the clothing that no longer fit me. My goal was that if I was ever able to lose the weight, the clothes would be there waiting for me.

I have managed to lose quite a bit of the weight, but still have a long way to go. I am now in a weird grey area where I am trying to hold on to one clothing size up in a few items from what I wear comfortably now in case I do backslide and gain back some of the weight. In addition to this, I am regularly adding back old items to my wardrobe that I am newly able to wear again. The reintroduction of these items back to the closet often makes the closet a little overwhelming so as I do this I try to go back through both the items I am reintroducing to the closet as well as what is currently in there to make sure there are not items that I should donate.

When I first began doing these closet cleanses, it was extremely hard for me to let go of a significant number of items. Like I previously mentioned, I tended to attach a sentimental value to the items in my possession, sometimes holding onto items that were not even logical to hold onto. After years of practice, I can confirm that this practice is now therapeutic to me. As I go through the items I allow myself to reflect and acknowledge how far I have come from the time when I wore those items. I also remind myself that it is clothing, not the memory itself that I am letting go of. Above all, I remind myself that if I accrue so many items that I cannot glance through my closet easily, I am bound to overlook good items that I enjoy wearing.

I now often find myself when I am looking for a specific top to wear for a certain occasion, for instance, pulling ALL of my shirts out and going through them, asking myself which ones I should truly hold onto and which ones I am just holding onto for sentimental reasons.

The experience with ‘Seven’ also showed me just how versatile most of my clothing can be. A simple black top can be dressed up with a cardigan for work, or I could add some glamour via a bold statement piece of jewelry to make it night out-worthy. The same top could be paired with a skirt and heels for a formal event, or dressed down with a pair of shorts for a baseball game or a day of exploring on vacation. The possibilities are endless for how to use some of these more timeless pieces and it’s important to me to make sure those are the types of items I invest in. I am super obsessed with Lilly Pulitzer clothing but there again I always make sure that I am getting a bargain on the item I am investing in as well as buying a piece that could be paired several different ways for different occasions.

This desire to be more minimalist has also spilled over into other areas of my life. In an effort to make the most of my time at home during quarantine, I have been going through each room in our house pairing down what we have as well as organizing things so we can make the most of what we are deciding to hold onto. So far we have gone through our bathroom closet, the cabinets under the sink in all of our bathrooms, the office, the bookshelves, and the laundry room. Each completed area brings a feeling of satisfaction as well as the accomplished feeling that lots of the items we are getting rid of are going to help others.

I, like many people I know on this same health and wellness journey, have always struggled with weight. I heard the terms ‘big-boned’ and ‘slow metabolism’ thrown around a lot inside and around my family when I was growing up. Starting around puberty I started having to fight like hell to keep from being bigger. At my lowest point I resorted to horrible habits that lead down the dark path of disordered eating that so many can relate to. That journey alone could, and probably one day when I am ready, will be its own blog post. From the time I was old enough to realize that some people can dispense nearly anything, in any quantity into their body and still maintain a slim physique and others of us have to painstakingly watch every calorie we consume, I began to resent my genetic coding.

              Surely that was the problem, right? If some people could eat the same things that I did and didn’t need to work out as hard as I did, or even at all to stay smaller than me, surely my metabolism must be the issue. I realized there was no way to remedy this, it was just the way I was made. I had never really noticed during my childhood that both of my parents and also the overwhelming majority of my family was overweight. Until my mother’s battle with fibromyalgia and multiple sclerosis began, a little extra weight had never stopped them from doing anything. My mom used to zoom around our little three bedroom in Winston-Salem keeping a damn near immaculate house (it would have been immaculate if not for me and my brother). My father taught my brother and I how to play basketball, baseball, volleyball, tennis, even badminton from a young age and even served as coach on a few of our teams over the years.

              But here I was, standing in front of this seemingly insurmountable issue: my body was not built equal to others. I want to be clear, it is not that being overweight (eventually even being labeled as ‘morbidly obese’) was my only issue. I began having headaches and migraines when I was just ten years old. When I was eighteen I was diagnosed with acute recurring pancreatitis. My freshman year of high school I realized that my adapting body was now allergic and intolerant to a number of things that I had never had issue with prior. I was in high school when I was told I (already) was showing signs of arthritis in my ankles and knees. These issues are all treatable and I have found ways to cope with every single one of them; they pale in comparison to what millions of people face daily, but I want you to know what I was feeling internally when my initial efforts to lose weight were failing.

              At this point, I was probably 25 or 26. I wasn’t happy with my body shape after I had graduated from college. Like many students, I ate poorly in school and didn’t make exercise the priority that I should have. I overloaded my schedule to ensure I could graduate a full year early and in the process took on an unrealistic amount of stress. I had then, after graduating, thrown myself head first into the work force. Working shortly as a bank teller on my feet all day until I started what is now my career at a lab company. My weight had shot up well above 225 by this point and after injuring myself, I had to sideline myself from the little exercise I had been doing – running with my dog. It certainly seems dramatic now, but at the time I felt thoroughly defeated. Like my body just would not cooperate. I let myself sink deeper and deeper into a depression. My psychiatrist prescribed me medication after medication, each one packing on more pounds. I once took an antipsychotic drug that packed over sixty pounds on me in a little over a month’s time. I knew something needed to change but I couldn’t muster the will to do anything.

              Fast forward to February 2019. I was sitting around one evening looking at some pictures my husband and I had printed from our trip to Bermuda the previous year. He had long since settled in and started playing games on his Xbox for the night but I couldn’t stop studying them. I was so big, the biggest I had ever been. That summer I had been prompted to join Weight Watchers. My starting weight at the beginning of this journey was just over 287 lbs. It startles me even now as I look at the computer screen and see that number staring back. I was a shell of the athlete I had once been. Weight Watchers had not done much, if anything for me. I was flirting with disordered eating again as a result of the plan and had settled back into using exercise as punishment for overeating or not eating the right things before I had decided to quit for my sanity. But February 28, 2019 as I sat there looking at those photos, something inside me clicked into place. I decided that I needed to start exercising again. In a healthy way. In a structured way. On a schedule that I could incorporate into my schedule and stick to. Above all, I needed to be able to hold myself accountable. Or I would fail. I had done it over and over again, failure always the endgame.

              So that Thursday evening, I got up and searched for an overnight bag small enough to serve as a gym bag. I packed all the essentials I would need to get ready in various sized plastic baggies and tucked them all into my makeshift gym bag along with a towel, work outfit and accessories, earbuds, straight iron, and hair dryer. I set my alarms. I sat out a water bottle for the morning. I laid out the closest thing I had to workout clothes, some black yoga pants, a tshirt, and a sports bra. Sat them on top of my socks and shoes. Something amazing happened the next morning that shocked even me: I got up and actually went to the gym. I don’t even remember how long I did each thing or what all I did, only that I went and gave it my all. And then I kept going and kept going.

              That first morning at the gym I posted to my story on Instagram about my workout. It was my way of keeping myself accountable. I knew I had to put myself out there and risk everyone knowing if I failed to keep myself determined and accountable. Those accountability posts evolved over time and now include pics of my Fitbit showing my workout stats, a sweaty selfie (always now!), and the screens from machines I’ve used showing distance, or various pieces of equipment I’ve used during a workout. Over time I eventually decided to repurpose an old Instagram account specifically for my fitness journey to help inspire others who are trying to find the motivation to do amazing things in their own lives, or need an accountability buddy.

              Everything was going pretty well until one night last summer my mom called me and told me they were taking dad to the emergency room for chest pain. They were sure it was just horrible indigestion but Byron and I felt differently. Our worst fears were confirmed when he required a second dose of nitroglycerin. They transferred him after some testing to a bigger area hospital and he was admitted. They scheduled a scan to determine damage, blockages, etc. Then everything was moved up. I left work and Byron did too. They determined that my dad had a total of five blockages and would require a quadruple bypass. In between meetings with the medical staff, trying to keep my dad’s spirits up, and calming my mother’s nerves I looked up as much about the procedures, long term effects, required hospitalization, etc until I couldn’t read anymore. The day came for his surgery with what felt like turbo speed. A kind staff volunteer led me back to the prep room where my dad was being prepped for surgery and meeting his various team members. I told my dad how much I loved him, what he meant to us and kissed him before stepping out into the hallway, rounding the corner and collapsing. I cried harder in those five minutes than I have ever cried in my entire life. And my husband can tell you, I am a crier. I hoped my dad would make it through the surgery, but we had no certainty. And if he did make it, I was almost certain things would never be the same.

              I did all the things you are supposed to do when a relative discovers they have heart disease: told my PCP, got blood work done, had a visit with a cardiologist, underwent the ECG and stress tests to determine I am not at risk right now. I was so frustrated when I made the first of those appointments, thinking selfishly to myself how my genetics were just the gift that keeps on giving. I know it seems callous but that was my honest thought coming through all of this. If we weren’t at risk, none of this would have happened.

              I’ll fast forward again here, my dad recovered fine and entered the cardiac rehab program via the hospital. The Cardiac Rehab program was an immense blessing to our family. Many of the family’s questions regarding the new normal and expectations during recovery were answered. It taught my parents healthier alternatives for meals and what my dad should be eating to keep his risks for a repeat event as low as possible. Additionally, the rehab program helped him build his strength back up by slowing introducing a cardio routine. Even though by this point I had been working on regularly for the better part of the year, I still learned quite a few things from my dad’s rehab instruction. He is still not 100% but he is well on his way, with new habits in hand to boot.

              During my dad’s cardiac rehab program, I gave him one of my old Fitbit watches that I was no longer using. We synced up and started challenging one another to weekly step challenges. On days that I barely felt like getting up and going to work, let alone working out, I found my dad’s journey especially inspirational in helping me get out of bed and exercise anyway. If he could have his chest opened up, his ribs broken and sewn back together and his heart literally stopped for a short while and he could recover and show my ass up on a challenge, I needed to up my game. I needed to dig deeper. And I have always been up for a good challenge.

              One morning I was at Planet Fitness on the treadmill, when a song by Kendrick Lamar came on my playlist. I had heard it what seems like 1,000 times before and it had always been a ‘get your blood flowing’ kind of song, like most of his stuff is for me. But this particular morning, it really struck a chord with me. “DNA” talks about how one is built, whether you have ambition, whether you hustle hard. I knew in that moment, taking in every single second of this rap song with new eyes, that your DNA isn’t about your metabolism, or your hair color, or your susceptibility to allergies or headaches. Your DNA is about what is instilled in you. Whether you have grit. Whether you get back up every time you get knocked down or you stay down and make excuses. My dad, my hero, my first role model, has shown me not just in our coaching years but in his fire to get back up and show life what he’s got is what DNA is all about. That fire that burns deeply within me is in large part due to him. I am so thankful that he is still here and for this kick-ass DNA that he has given me.

Last year in January I was in the midst of trying to change my diet and implement health changes that would stick. My husband and I are pretty bad about eating out several times a week because that is convenient and cheap, which checks the two main boxes for us. A friend of ours told us about the meal service they use and we decided it would be a worth a shot for us. Being the OCD type that I am, I did a bit of research into the worth of meal service that is out there and was actually quite surprised by all that is available.

When we signed up for meal service, there were 3 main options available: a) services that deliver uncooked ingredients to your door once a week that you prepare using ingredient cards, b) services that prepare healthy food options for you and you pick them up once a week, and c) services that deliver pre-made individual meals to your door once a week. We knew for sure that we wanted fresh ingredients that we would be preparing ourselves so that we could control ingredients going into meals (I have lots of allergies and I also try to watch how much sodium I am eating). Of those options there was only one that delivered to Mebane and was within our budget and that was HomeChef.

               With HomeChef, you create an online profile where you establish your taste buds (spicy, protein preferences, etc), any dietary restrictions, and any food options that may be a deal breaker for you such as bone in meat options. From there, HomeChef displays their offerings for that week and you pick the three (minimum for free shipping) or more meals you want delivered for that upcoming week. You can also set preferences for what day of the week you wish to take delivery, etc. I recommend going in and selecting your meal options and saving them several weeks in advance as meal options lock at noon central time ever Friday.

               We absolutely love HomeChef. Their first box to you will include a binder to store your recipe cards in and each recipe cards comes hole punched to go easily into the binder. That is a service that no other meal service we have looked into includes. They have a great variety of options that include “safe” options for my picky taste buds as well as a variety of new things that have kept us satisfied for a full year. They offer HomeChef Express and Oven Ready options that are easy prep and quick turnaround for busy nights when you want a home cooked meal but you don’t have the full 30+ minutes to commit to cooking. Their customer service is amazing. On a few occasions our box has arrived with damaged produce (hello rough shipping journey) or an item missing. We contacted support with a description and photo of the issue and received quick response from support along with a credit on our account for the next shipment that more than covered the item we had to supplement ourselves.

               Purely just to mix things up and see what else the world has to offer, we decided to pause our HomeChef account and go with HelloFresh that recently started delivering to our area. We signed up under a promotion for $90 off. That’s my first tip, when you sign up for any of these services, hunt around for the best deal. They are always doing promotions and if you play your cards right, you can really save a lot of money. We received our first box on Tuesday of this week. I am pleased with how the first box arrived. Like HomeChef frequently does, they sent along a few free samples to try in addition to the ingredients for the meal. One thing I do like the HomeChef does is they seal all the meat in a Ziploc bag to prevent any juices from seafood, etc from getting into the food bags and contaminating ingredients. The meat items for HelloFresh were each individually sealed at the bottom of the box. The ingredients for each individual meal arrived in big, brown bags rather than the lower profile plastic bags from HomeChef but I do appreciate less plastic waste. All the food items were enclosed in a cardboard enclosure inside the box and all recipe cards and promotional material was on top of that, safe from any leaks from the ice pack.

               Preparation of the food is about the same across the board. The instruction cards are clear cut and easy to follow. The complexity level with each is pretty consistent and varies depending on the dishes you select. I do not see that HelloFresh offers “Oven Ready” or “Express” options that are quicker to prepare and require less prep work. The HelloFresh meals we have prepared so far (4 to date) have been overall a bit more flavorful than HomeChef is typically. HomeChef does provide larger ingredients and larger quantities than HelloFresh. We are still giving it a few weeks and may even try yet another meal service out to see how we like it.

               The flexibility that these meal services give us is great; it allows us to prepare things we would otherwise never cook for an affordable price. It’s super convenient and less trips to the grocery store is definitely a bonus for us with our very busy schedules. It has cut down substantially on our food waste and it allows me to plan on having healthier meals to go along with my goal for a better lifestyle.  

A lot of people give a lot of power to that magical date: January 1. January 1 doesn’t make or break or anyone. It doesn’t have any power. A lot of people sit around during the whole stretch of November-December saying “come January 1, I’m gonna change my habits.” “I’m gonna start working out every single day on January 1.” But it is not the day itself that contains the magic, or the power. It is you. That’s right. I’m looking at you. Last year my resolution didn’t have anything to do with working out. It had everything to do, rather, with spending more time with my pup. A resolution that I did manage to keep, too. My weight loss journey didn’t truly begin until March. Sure, I had been wanting to lose weight for years. I had been going round and round trying this plan and that plan for as long as I can remember. I had even been to Planet Fitness before. There was no reason that anything should have been any different this time. There still isn’t. But it is.

              On February 28, 2019 I was flipping through some vacation pictures on my phone. I became so disgusted by what I saw in myself in those pictures. That couldn’t really be me, could it? Had I really let myself get that large? The truth is I had been that big for a while but it just hadn’t penetrated my brain, alarmed myself to quite that extent until then. I was tired of looking and feeling that way. I was tired of being the brunt of the jokes and I was going to do something about it. I pulled out my old Thirty-One gym bag that had literally never been used as a gym bag before and packed all the essentials I would need to get ready at the gym the next morning. I then laid out some of the only workout clothes I had in the house that would fit me, my tennis shoes, and a pair of socks. I sat them on the banister right next to the gym bag. I set the alarm for 5:00 AM EST and prayed that I would really get up and do the damn thing.

              The next day what I can only describe as a true miracle happened. I got up within a few seconds of the alarm going off and started getting ready. Byron woke up and asked me what the hell was going on. I told him I was going to the gym and he could go back to sleep. He couldn’t believe it. Neither could I. I just kept doing it. I altered the time I would go in accordance with how much time I needed to work out, but I keep going to the gym and working out. That has been the difference this time. I can’t tell you what made me keep going but just that I kept going this time. There have been days, of course, when I really didn’t want to go. There have never been days where I wanted to give this up entirely, though. I have continually grown stronger along this journey. It is nice to have people come up to me and tell me how good I am looking and that they can see this amount of progress or this amount of size difference or whatever. That feels super nice. But it feels just as nice when I am in the gym and I can add another weight plate or two when I am doing my reps and I can push this body that much farther.

              Towards the end of last year, I definitely “fell of the wagon” in terms of consistency. I wasn’t going to the gym in the morning, I was fitting in my workouts when I could, and as a result the quality of the workouts suffered. I really want to make a more concentrated effort to make sure I am continuing to do everything I can to do to be a good planner to make sure I am doing everything I can to get the best workouts in that I can and be as consistent as I can be. For me, this looks like: checking my gym bag every Sunday night and making sure all of my essentials for the week are packed and I have plenty of toiletries in each bottle to get me through the week, laying out enough workout gear to get me through the work week, stocking the fridge with Gatorade for post workouts in the evening, stocking the fridge with healthy breakfast, lunch, and snack options to pack for work, packing my gym bag COMPLETELY each night so that the next morning I can grab it and go on the way out the door, and making sure as much stuff as possible is already laid out for my lunch bag so in the morning I can throw it in my bag, make my ice water for the gym, and get in the car and go! In my eyes, if you fail to plan, you are planning to fail. If one of the steps of the process is missed, it can add several minutes to getting ready in the morning and that is time that has to come out of my workout time because I have to take time to get ready at the end of my workout so that I look presentable for work.