cobbling together a whole

"You could get up early and do it before work" I could also wait for a magic beanstalk to start growing in my living room LMAO. Let's focus on things that happen in the real world

my name is detective sleeping and im about to get started on my toughest case yet. the pillow case

ever since i was a little girl i knew i wanted to be a stressed adult male protagonist splashing water on his face in the bathroom

"you need to let it go" that would be really cool, unfortunately I'll take it with me to the grave

cd has a hole. record has a hole. casette has 2 holes. streaming? zero holes. i think i’ve made my point

we ask that the defense not say "me when i lie" while the witness testifies

I’m getting way too comfortable at work. My boss asked me to do something and I replied ‘pay me’ and he looked like the saddest wettest little bug and said ‘we… we do?’

you catch me in my room watching something kinky, but instead of masturbating I'm just watching intently and taking notes like it's a college lecture

You see me write down the word "sex" followed by a question mark and underlining it twice

“what have you been up to lately?” i don’t leave the house

guys the consequences of inaction are noooootttt enough to motivate meeee

scared someone will see right through me and know one of my deepest desires is to be taken care of

stop playing it cool, just be passionate and intense and insane and whoever sticks around is meant for you

crossing my arms & going hmph about some things currently

“You should be at the club” I should at a shitty punk show in someone’s basement

"who said that" is my ult fav thing to say ever after saying something insane