I don't know what I'm doing

Every Friday night, Steph picks out a movie or trilogy to put on. They’ve finished high school musical(all three movies), worked their way through Scooby Doo, even Camp Rock(which Steph secretly loves). I think Bruce walked in on one such night and was stunned Damian was intensely watching on Stephanie’s laptop, wrapped in a fluffy blanket like a burrito, arm to arm with Steph. They talked about it the next morning and Bruce demanded it become a weekly tradition, hosted in one of the movie rooms with recliner chairs and proper snacks.

The first official night they watched the Goonies. Jason joined the next week, choosing Charlottes Webb because he loved the book as a child, and Dick came along with him. Next week, Dick DEMANDED they watch the Bee movie. He attempted to recite the entire script. Stephanie hit him in the head until he stopped. Next week she chose Shrek, Damian LOVED it. They watched the second movie the same night because he loved it so, his favourite song because “I Need a Hero” from the soundtrack. He listens to it before sparring, unironically.

Duke demands they watch Studio Ghibli movies over the next few weeks starting with Howls Castle. Bruce cries to every song. The batkids realise Bruce hasn’t seen these films either.

They talk about movies to watch over family dinner. They have a spreadsheet of movies watched and sequels organised by RottenTomato rating. Each bat kid has a letterboxed account.

BatFam going to the zoo because Jason realised that none of them had ever gone, including Bruce and he only realised it because Damian was talking about a biology class. Jason DEMANDED that they go as a family. Pandemonium ensues

They get there. Bruce is figuring out the tickets for all of them, including Alfred, who brought snacks for everyone. They get in, Tim immediately is drawn to the giraffes who he attempts to imitate by pretending his arm is the head and is walking around with two stanky legs. Steph is egging him on while Bruce observes seriously.

The reptiles are next. Damian and Dick are transfixed by the snakes. Damian presses his face against the glass while Bruce stares at the geckos, pondering the bio-physiology of exoskeletons which are being fed to the lizards. Jason demands to look at butterflies with Duke, who poses with infinite butterflies landing on him like some butterfly messiah. Jason whines when nothing lands on him while Dick is orchestrating the poses of Duke. Damian tears up when he sees dead butterflies on the ground and is equally transfixed by the diversity of patterns.

Water creatures are next. Tim and Steph take a liking to the otters. They stay there for a half hour, while Duke and Dick show photos of the butterflies to Damian, who listens intently. Jason is still whining to Bruce, who pretends to listen while staring at otters alongside Tim and Steph. They move onto Dolphins. Alfred is creeped out by Dolphins. He stands at the back of the aquarium while Damian looks up in awe, Bruce puts a hand on his shoulder and admires with him. They go to the top of the water exhibit and look at the dolphins top-on, they do tricks and Jason jumps every time they leap out of water. Tim and Damian insist he’s scaring them and Bruce attempts to mediate. Alfred is still weary and stands to the wall. Dick and Steph eat all the cookies he brought, Tim starts yelling at them. People are staring. Bruce wants to pretend he doesn’t know them but manages to shut them up when Duke returns with ice cream and the promise of lunch. It’s only 11:30.

They see the flamingoes. Dick shows off his acrobatics by doing the flamingo pose yoga. Steph looses he balance while trying it. She scrapes her knee and luckily Alfred has bandaids. Damian reads off all the facts on every animal they see and reports to Bruce, who listens inquisitively.

At the end of the visit they go to the gift shop, where Damian spots those huge stuffed life-size animals that stand up by themselves and falls in love. Bruce cannot say no so they go home with a zebra, lioness, kimono dragon, python snake, shark and brown bear. Steph and Jason won’t stop trying on those animal hats and are cackling laughing. Alfred already has the car going. Duke gets his photos printed out and puts them on the fridge to antagonise Jason. Tim breaks a mug.

They end up going back the next week, along Damian’s insistence. The Wayne family ends up sponsoring a family of penguins and becomes a large donor to wildlife conservation foundations. He immediately becomes a vegetarian.

They decide to go on more family outings. Alfred opts to stay home after almost being sucker-punched by Steph over an oatmeal cookie.

R-A!Kon, on the phone, looking at the GPS Tracker of their baby: "You took our pup to a liquor store?!"

A!Dick: "It's not a liquor store! It's... A store that also happens to sell alcohol."

R-O!Tim, peeking over Kon's shoulder: "That's Halley's Tavern! I've been going there since I was fifteen-"

D-O!Bruce: 🤨

R-O!Tim: "....minutes past my twenty-first birthday...."

D-A!Jason, the person who took Tim there for the first time: "Uh-huh..."

Note:

A means Alpha

R-A means Recessive Alpha

D-A means Dominant Alpha

O means Omega

R-O means Recessive Omega

"Bruce... this is... fucking torture..." Duke huffs, body strewn out over and unmoving, Steph face down on the ground. "You're gonna kill me... you'll kill all of us..."

Bruce lets out his own huff, arms burning as he fans an overheated Damian lying limp in his lap. It's a testament to how bad things are going if Damian has given up on maintaining his dignity and allows himself to be coddled.

"Wait..." Dick looks up from the ground. "Why... why don't we call Clark?"

Bruce winces, looking away from all the expectant gazes of his children. "Can't." He bites out, hoping they'll drop it. They don't.

"Can't or won't?" Jason narrows his eyes suspiciously.

Bruce groans. "Nosey ass kids. Why did I decide to have so many damn kids?"

"Yes, yes, regret comes in late in life." Cass agrees, scooting over and laying her head on his shoulder. "Why can't we call Clark? He always comes when you call."

Bruce lets out another grumble.

"Dad." Tim deadpans, peeling his back off the floor and sitting up. "In words we can all hear, please?"

"He's mad at me." Bruce rolls his eyes. "It's only cause he's being a little bitch." Bruce huffed before grimacing. "Don't repeat that, Habibi."

"Too late." Damian mumbles, eyes still closed.

"Focus, B man, what did you do that made Superman mad at you?" Duke asked, rolling onto the floor as Stephanie pushed him off to grab her water bottle.

"It can't be anything serious since you're not brooding around the house and shit." Jason narrows his eyes further. Actually, his eyes are closed. He just closed his eyes and face-planted onto the chair he was leaning against.

“You're right, it’s fuckin’ stupid.”

“Bruce.” Stephanie deadpanned, gesturing for him to just get on with it.

Bruce hummed and let out a soft sigh. "I accidentally called Oliver my best friend. We've literally known each other since we were kids, and it was just a slip of the tongue."

Cass turned her head and blinked at him. "That's it?"

"Told you it was stupid."

"Oh my gosh, I forgot how possessive he can get over that title." Dick groaned, massaging his temples. "You guys get into the dumbest arguments."

"So he's just being petty then?" Tim hummed.

A gust of wind blew through the cave, giving the bats a nice breeze on their sweaty skin. "I'm not being petty! It's simply a coincidence! I don't even care that much!" Superman, in the flesh, floated a few feet off the ground in his civilian clothing, arms crossed over his chest.

"... you were just listening in to our conversation?"

Clark floated backwards, away from Stephanie, who was very clearly giving off danger vibes. "I just... I just happened to tune in when ya'll were slandering me."

"Baba." Damian tugged on Bruce's sleeve. "We need to get the kryptonite."

"Hey!"

"Now that you're fucking here, you can move all this shit by yourself, Superman," Jason grunted, slowly dragging himself off the floor and heading to the elevator, prompting the rest of the batkids to follow suit, grumbling under their breath and cursing out Clark.

"B! You're not actually gonna leave me here all alone to move this stuff! Are you?"Clark pouted, making puppy dog eyes as he stared down at Bruce.

Unfortunately for him, Bruce was basically immune, and too tired from moving things to show sympathy.

Still holding his youngest as he pushed himself off the floor, he gave Clark a very 'Bruce trying to be nice during a meeting, but he actually lost his patience a long time ago.' smile and gave him a small pat on the shoulder. "I thought you said you weren't petty and it didn't affect you, Superman? Help a best friend out, hm?"

Bruce and Cass fucking love it. Yes, this is his daughter. Yes, this is her Dad. They would merge into one person if possible; they're halfway there

When Cass comes to galas with him, they always wear matching outfits; it's adorable. Whether it's Cass matching Bruce with a dress or wearing her own suit, they're basically the same person. Or Bruce wearing a dress, I don't wanna leave him out

That's just as Bruce Wayne and Cassandra Wayne, when they're Batman and Black Bat, they take twinning to a whole new level. It's scary

They’re so sweet and docile, listening to his every word and obediently taking their medicine, looking up at Bruce with watery red eyes and awaiting praise

The only thing they request is Bruce’s attention and lots and lots of cuddles

He doesn’t know it, but that’s only for Bruce. Being sick is just an excuse to act sweet to him without getting embarrassed

Bruce had to go to a meeting at the company for a bit, and called Clark to come take care of his kids. He went over what meds to take at what time and who likes what blanket, but other than that, there wasn’t really any briefing. He didn't think he had any reason to

To this day, Clark talks about that time as if he were fighting Darkside himself

Dick wouldn’t sit down for anything. No matter what Clark bribed him with, the moment he turned his back, Dick was up and moving, despite having thrown up five seconds ago. He was also bothering everyone and talking over whatever show or movie all the kids had finally agreed upon. He was trying to land a flip while also doing his best not to throw up. It did not work. Clark almost threw up cleaning it before throwing a blanket over him when he finally collapsed

Jason wouldn’t even look at Clark. And anytime he did it was with utter disgust that truly hurt Clark’s feelings, even if the younger man was sniffling with a bright red nose. He's always been standoffish with Clark since he was a kid, but Clark thought he got over his jealousy after he explained he wasn't trying to steal Bruce's attention. He has not, he's just good at hiding it. Clark threw a blanket over him and decided to deal with it later

Cassandra lunged at him the moment he tried to put a cold compress on her forehead. He wasn't expecting it, so he barely dodged, even with his superspeed. She let out a low growl, and Clark seriously didn't know what to do with that kind of hostility. He kinda just threw a blanket over her and hoped for the best while she dozed off in Bruce’s favorite chair. He didn't dare disturb her unless it was time for her to take her medicine

Tim turned the brightness of all his devices to the max, even though it made him dizzy and gag, because he claimed he couldn’t see through his watery eyes. It didn’t help that he had to be kept separate from his other siblings so he didn’t get worse. He kept trying to sneak off to be with everyone, and Clark couldn’t let him, but he got so sad thinking about it, so he divided the living room where they were all staying in half with pillows, so Tim could still be in the room but not too close to anyone. He then threw a blanket over him and moved his devices away

Steph, on the other hand, was trying to sneak over to see Tim, which was bad. Logically, he knew they all understood Tim was vulnerable, but being sick seemed to devolve their thinking processes. She also continued asking for food, and when Clark brought it over, she’d gag and push it away. She then asked Clark to make something, and when he presented it to her, she gagged so hard she threw up, so Clark also threw a blanket over her head

Duke, while the calmest, was not easy to handle either. He would just stare. Clark expected that from any other child under Bruce’s wing, but not Duke. Duke would turn himself invisible to stare at Clark, but Clark got goosebumps all over his skin nonetheless. Super hearing can only do so much when the person sneaking around you is trained by Batman himself. He threw a blanket over Duke and prayed he didn't remove it

Damian insisted on having all his pets near him at all times, then got scared his sickness would transfer over to them and cried so hard he threw up. Clark deposited him in Cassandra’s lap after cleaning him up, just so he could have some comfort, and gave him his phone so he could watch all the videos he wanted of the cows on the farm. He then threw an animal print blanket over him

And all of them, yes, all, would randomly burst into tears and call out for Bruce. Each time, he would have to deliver the devastating news that he still wasn’t back, then be subjected to all seven glares, which was a lot to handle. He wanted to fly into the attic and hide, but he promised Bruce he would try his best, and he was bound by moral obligation

Yes, Clark tries to appeal to the masses and children by wearing bright colors, but he’s never claimed to be good at handling children. In fact, his parents would say he’s the opposite

He can handle it for short amounts of time, but carrying them and having to interact with them for an extended period of time? Fuck no. He's never had to clean up or make throw up as in that moment. He will not do it again

When Bruce comes back, all his kids are absolute angels again, if not a little more pushy, so they can cling to him without Clark being there. They whine and tug Bruce into the living room so they can pile on top of him (Tim has a mask on) and bury him under their combined weight

Bruce, setting down a cup of hot chocolate with extra marshmallows and pressing a kiss to her forehead: I have to pay over $100 for you to do homework, gumdrop

——

Dick: *Blah blah something something mad at Bruce*

Bruce: Okay, birdie, stop holding my hand then

Dick, practically glued to Bruce’s side and would've his Dad carry him if he didn’t know Bruce was hiding a sprained ankle: …

Dick: Shut the fuck up, you sack of shit. Listen here motherfucker-

——

Bruce, going over a new case with Tim: She’s not in the picture? Did the mother run away, or is she dead?

Tim, half paying attention: I think she died or ran away.

Bruce: Thank you, baby, that was so unhelpful

——

Selina, at a fancy diner with Bruce: …?

Bruce: *sigh* When I told him we had a date, he insisted on coming along so he could see your cats afterwards

Selina, grinning: That’s adorable.

Damian, happily eating food off the kids' menu: Baba, can I taste your food too?

Bruce: Of course, Habibi

——

Jason, being dramatic: You don’t even love me!

Bruce: Because I won’t let you eat chickpeas? That’s why I don’t love you?

Jason: Yes!

Bruce: Darling, you’re allergic to chickpeas

Jason, even more dramatic: It’s only a mild allergy! Let me live!

Bruce, exasperated: Believe me, I’m trying

——

Bruce: What’s this?

Lois, holding up a large box full of things: Presents for you and your brood

Bruce, looking at the handwritten tag: “For assorted Wayne’s”? You don’t know how many kids I have?

Lois: Do you know how many kids you have?

Bruce: … thank you for the gifts

——

Duke, snuggled up with Bruce and watching TV: This is bad… like, really bad

Bruce: We don’t have to continue watching it, sunshine

Duke: No, this is my allotted Bruce time, and we’re gonna watch trash TV

——

Bruce, watching Cass put a tutu on his service dog: …

Cass: Ace likes it. Give us a twirl, Ace

Ace, somehow, looking like he’s dissociating: Ruff… *slowly turns once*

Bruce: …

Cass: Alfred the cat scratched me, and Damian is hiding Titus away… it was either him or the turkey

Bruce: You don’t have one big enough for Batcow, Princess?

Cass: Not yet

——

Alfred: You wouldn’t happen to know where my sandwich went, would you, Master Bruce?

Bruce, in the middle of taking a bite from said sandwich: No…

Alfred: Hmm

——

Texting

Bruce: Come over

Selina: Can’t. Stealing things

Selina: And I’m on the opposite side of the city

Bruce: *sends a sexy picture of himself in lingerie*

Selina: IM ON MY FUCKING WAY. DONT MOVE

Five seconds later

Selina: OPEN YOUR WINDOW!!

——

Tim: It’s quiet. What’s going on?

Bruce, sipping coffee: Lois took the girls on a girls' shopping spree. Dick went with them to ‘keep an eye on them,’ but we both know he just wants to shop as well

Tim: Wtf? I wanna go… I’m going to my room to sulk

Bruce: I’m sure you could find their location and join them, sweetheart

Tim: No, it’s the principle of the matter

——

Bruce, scruffing Damian: Stop it

Damian, struggling but making no progress: He needs help! I’m the one to help him!

Bruce: That is a raccoon eating from the trash, honey

Damian: I need him!

Bruce: I think it’s foaming at the mouth. I’m calling animal control

Damian, making grabby hands: Come to me my child!

Bruce: Stop that!

——

Jason, raiding Bruce’s closet: Can I have this? *holds up a leather jacket*

Bruce: No, I just bought that. You already have most of my hoodies

Duke: Ooo, can I have this? *holds up the same leather jacket*

Bruce: What did I just say to your brother? You literally have half of my sweater collection

Jason: The lining is so warm and soft

Duke: And it smells really good!

Bruce: Give me my jacket you little theives

——

Texting

Bruce: I’ve got a mission off world so you won’t be able to contact me for a while

Dick: What???

Dick: I wanted to hang with you

Bruce: You told me you weren’t coming over to the Manor this week?

Dick: Yeah but now that I know you’re not gonna be here I wanna hang

Bruce: We can hang out when I come back, love

Dick: Nah, I won’t want to anymore

——

Bruce, hovering: Alfie…

Alfred, sighing: Here *pushes tea toward him*

Bruce: Hmm, thank you *takes a few sips before pushing it back*

Alfred: I could just make you your own cup, Sir

Bruce: It doesn’t taste as good if it isn’t yours specifically

Alfred: You’re just like your children

Bruce, genuine: I have no idea what you mean

——

Stephanie: How many laxatives can you give someone before it’s too much?

Bruce: Depends on how much you hate them

Stephanie: That’s… very helpful. I’ll keep it in mind

Stephanie: So… 40?

Bruce: Please don’t kill anyone by making them shit out their guts. I don’t know how we’d twist that for the media

——

Lois: I hate living on a reporter’s salary

Bruce, desperate: Please let me give you money

Lois: You know the answer to that

Bruce, sad: Yeah… *already making plans for everyone in the company to get a raise*

——

Duke: Ughh… my tummy… it hurts

Dick: Sounds like food poisoning

Bruce: Could be the skittles you ate off the ground

Duke: Couldn’t be, skittles would never betray me like that

Dick: Couldn’t be?

Bruce: You dropped them in the driveway. I’m pretty sure I saw you eat some gravel

Duke: Erghhh… my tum tum…

——

After a gala

Jason: So you decided to jump in the fountain and swim around to get out of the conversation?

Bruce, soaking wet: You can’t shame me, every thing I do is while I’m sober. You wish you had this confidence

Jason, know Bruce is the concept of anxiety forced into human form: Alright pa…

——

Bruce: I saw you and Damian cuddling

Tim, frozen: … what…

Bruce: I saw it all and I took pictures, the two of you are adorable

Tim: … no

Bruce: Yes

Tim: You can’t tell anyone! We’re supposed to be antagonistic!

Bruce: We’ll see

——

Texting

Bruce: Ace keeps alerting me but I feel fine. What should I do?

Dick: Sit down Tati

Jason: Sit the fuck down papa

Tim: Get out of public, sit down, and drink some water

Bruce: I’m starting to feel icky now, my leg gave out, and I think I’m seeing things

Cass: Did you bring your meds?

Steph: This is B we’re talking about

Duke: I’m gonna come find you and sit with you, okay?

Bruce: Okey

Alfred: I’m already starting the car

Damian: I am coming along. Baba, hold on

Steph: Cass and I are getting med bay ready

Dick: Omw

Jason: You better get ready to be coddled pa

——

Bruce: Someone saw my stretch marks and thought they were self harm scars. I’m so embarrassed

Alfred: Master Bruce, it’s alright

Bruce: I guess. Glad they didn’t see my actual self harm scars lol

Alfred, sternly: Bruce

Bruce: Sorry. No jokes about self harm, I forgot. You’re lucky it wasn’t a joke about my suicide attempts

Alfred, even sterner: Bruce

Bruce: Shutting up

——

Steph: I actually hate how good at makeup you are

Bruce, doing a smokey eye on Cass: I’m good at a lot of things

Lois: But why makeup?

Bruce: I like to look pretty and I have to cover up my self harm scars lol

Alfred, from around the corner: Bruce

Bruce: Ughhh

——

Bruce, head in Selina’s lap with Alfred the cat on his chest: …

Selina, gently scratching his scalp with her nails and watching as his brain turns off: …

Alfred the cat, asleep and giving Bruce healing purrs: …

——

Dick, wearing a new jacket and giving Bruce a fashion show: So?

Bruce: Huh, this one actually looks nice

Dick: Thank you, thank you-

Titus, walking in and b-lining to Dick: Boof! *starts cobbing on his jacket*

Dick: Man, can I help you?! There's drool everywhere!

Bruce: Don’t be mean, he loves you

——

Tim: Daddy-o, we want froyo

Bruce: Okay? Do you want to take one of my cars?

Damian: Timmothy is too lazy to drive, you must take us

Bruce, already grabbing his keys: What am I, just a chauffeur to you?

Damian: Yes Baba

——

Dick: Please tell Selina to stop touching your ass in front of us

Jason: Please

Bruce: I can’t help what my mama gave me

Jason: I’m gonna go drown myself in the pool

——

Texting

Tim: Made a huge mistake

Dick: Everything alright? Do you need help?

Tim: Made Dad do a TikTok

Jason: What??

Steph: Which one

Tim: The one that has the song So Far So Fake by Pierce The Veil

Damian: What does that mean?

Tim: And white whyne. He was too good at both of them

Duke: Tim what the fuck

Tim: For some reason it didn’t occur to me that having him shake his ass on the internet would have repercussions

Steph: Scrub the internet. Now

Bruce: What is a DILF? And why do people want to see me 'bounce it'?

——

Steph: Bought you a pie

Bruce: …

Bruce: You know I have complicated emotions about hot fruit

——

Bruce, surrounded by his kids: … I could’ve sworn I only went to bed with Selina last night

Dick: It’s cold

Damian: It started raining Baba

Tim: I thought this was my room

Steph: I wanted to take blackmail photos

Cass: *shrugs*

Jason: I was forced to be here

Duke: I don’t like being left out