Bored, so bored

you are a small farmer, just trying to survive in this world. one day you wake up and your roosters are out of their cage. the names of a world famous scholar and a war criminal that's been dead for 16 years are carved into your post. you don't know what to do with this.

Just rediscovered potentially the funniest thing I’ve written in recent memory

Imagine if people wrote all their Les Mis modern aus in the style of Victor Hugo

whoever came up with strapping a dagger to your upper thigh knew exactly what they were doing. they weren’t thinking about self defence.

love how sometimes i’m like “oh, i should put this somewhere safe so i don’t lose it and know exactly where to find it later!” and about a month later i’m standing in my ransacked room trying to get into past me’s mindset like some kinda amateur historian on one of those history channel treasure hunting shows trying to get into the mind of a nineteenth century pirate to figure out where they hid some possibly nonexistent apocryphal loot

having memory problems is like being an archaeologist of your own life and it isn’t nearly as exciting as it sounds

i know this will make me sound old and boring but once i’m home for the night i’m home. i don’t like upsetting my plans even when i don’t have any. yes it’s only 8pm but i spent the whole evening believing i’m not going anywhere, i cannot perceive or be perceived right now, try again later

this might he the first time I’ve ever seen a meme on this site and thought “I should send this to my dad”

My brother decided to teach his two and a half year old that Mommy and Daddy have names and there is nothing funnier than seeing a cranky toddler turn to his mom and say ‘leave me alone, Meredith.’