blue mangrove.

I never really got the chance to talk to anyone about how these years of my life really and truly made me feel. I was MISERABLE and glad I never have to experience that period of my life again!

I remember I was really excited about high school at first because it was supposed to be a fun and existing experience for me. I had toured several schools already and knew that it was going to be the best time of my life but of course, that didn’t happen. I couldn’t go to the school I wanted because it was too far from home and at my middle school there were new improvements being made and part of that was changing the school into a hybrid middle/high school. Exciting, right? In theory, yes…but it almost costed me my sanity. My family wanted me to go to the school because if I finished the program then I’d get two years of college done for free. So I worked my ass off to pass college entrance exams and finally got in. From day one, it was hell on earth for me. I was already really shy and quiet and my school was quite small so I had trouble making friends. Plus, there were quite a few students who knew each other before coming so what did I look like trying to push my way into their group? So I just stayed silent and passively listened to everyone’s conversations every day. To make myself feel like I was apart, I would just pretend that I was having a conversation with them in my head and make up scenarios in my head about talking to them whenever I saw them with their friends.

I hated whenever my teacher gave us group assignments because a lot of times my teachers would let us pick our own partners and I was almost always alone. I would just sit in a corner in the back of the room while everyone else did their work with their groups and again, just passively listened to their conversations, wishing I could’ve been apart of their conversation too. Sometimes my teachers didn’t allow us to work alone so I didn’t have a choice sometimes and every time it just felt like no one wanted to be my partner for some reason. I knew I was quiet and maybe people thought I was weird, but I didn’t have some kind of disease or anything. People just avoided me like the plague. That was really damaging to my teenage self, especially since in middle school I had been bullied and kinda suffered the same way then too.

Besides the whole group thing, the kids in my class would talk about me to their friends about how weird and quiet I was. I remember I tried being friends with some people at school and one girl invited me to join a group chat they all had and the “leader” of their group told me I couldn’t be in it because there were already too many people in the group…mind you again our school was small and there were like 10 or 12 people in the group. Anyway, at the time I was crushed because I didn’t know what I did wrong.

Other times I’d be in class and I’d try to participate but one person said “will you please shut up?” Under his breath while I was trying to answer a question and for the rest of the year, I never answered a question in that class unless I was forced because I didn’t want to be called out again for trying to talk. Another time we had to work in groups again (didn’t have a choice) and I don’t remember what the topic of the conversation was about it, but I was just trying to make conversation outside of group topic things like everyone normally would and he said I was annoying because I kept trying to talk to him. So I felt a bit embarrassed and just stopped talking, period because I didn’t know that this was how he felt talking to me. I wish I could’ve saw the signs sooner but I couldn’t tell at the time.

Also, I never went on school field trips either. I always wanted to go on them but when I was in sixth grade I went on one trip to this nature preserve and we all had to split up in groups and I asked the people behind me on the bus if I could go with them and they agreed but after we got off the bus, they all left me and pretended like I didn’t exist, so I was alone almost the entire time and just ended up going to hang out with my teacher instead. Maybe the same thing wouldn’t have happened in high school, but it was humiliating for me and I didn’t want to experience that again, so I never went on another school trip after that

Also, I despised lunch time. In my school there was no designated seating area for high schoolers so we just sat wherever we wanted. I didn’t have friends so I didn’t have anyone to sit with. For a while I would go to the library because there were some girls there that would sometimes come to chat with me but then they stopped coming…so I was alone again. I spent my days walking around the school campus, or I would go to the bathroom to sit in the stall to cry or use my phone where no one could see me. There was an elementary school next to my school and sometimes the children would kick the balls over the fence to our side by mistake so while they were at recess I’d throw the balls back over and chat with the little kids for a little bit or when no one was there I’d just grab all of them and throw back over and then continue walking around school. If I wasn’t doing that then I’d just skip lunch or eat a small snack outside of my next class.

I hated when my teacher would ask me why I always sat outside of her room and she would always try to nudge me to go outside and be with the other students but every time I went outside it was just a constant reminder of what I couldn’t have and sometimes I just didn’t want to face it or deal with that, so coming there was just kind of a way to distract myself I guess.

Oh! Almost forgot this too. In my 10th grade year, there was a group of girls who tried to include me in their friend group. I think they probably did it because they pitied me, but even then I always kinda felt like an outsider even when they tried to include me in stuff. They’d say jokes I wouldn’t understand, make plans within their group and they’d include me at first but then slowly it was like I became invisible and they just continued on without me, so I just kinda got tired of it and distanced myself. I felt bad because I didn’t want to seem like I was being rude for trying to push them away. In my head, I was just thinking I should be grateful someone even acknowledged my existence, but really I just wanted to be alone by that point. It was better than whatever that was but I do appreciate them for at least being nice to me.

I graduated high school so once I started going to college full time in my last two years of high school I didn’t really need to worry about friends anymore because COVID was rampant during that time and also I’d just go to class and go home. There was no time to pity myself haha. I kinda miss community college though

After high school ended everyone went their separate ways. I kinda went through a transitional period where I was trying new things and figuring myself out and during that period I became a little more active on social media…well I showed my face more. Tell me why ALLLLLL the guys who I thought absolutely hated me in high school came out and started complimenting me, wanting to befriend me, asking me out on dates. It was a little overwhelming at first because it was the first time I ever got this kind of attention. I always thought I was ugly so I couldn’t tell if it was another prank or if they really found me pretty…but then eventually none of that mattered in the end because I remembered all the stuff I went through in high school. The thought of having more attention was nice but realizing it was all fake hurt worse honestly. Just when I finally thought I made it! Just when I thought “Damn, people see me!” It opened another door to trouble.

No one wanted to actually talk to me…they just liked physical features and that was it. Maybe I could’ve been someone they could brag about to their friends if we had sex, but that’s all. Nothing more than that :)

So I moved abroad 7 months ago. So far I really like it but I will admit that I do often feel quite lonely because I left everything to come here and I’m not fluent in the language. Meeting people has been tough and I tried going out with some folks but I think maybe I’m too socially awkward or maybe I’m just ugly and once they meet me in person and realize it, they just stay to hang out because they pity me. I don’t know, maybe it’s a far stretch, but I just can’t help but to think that it’s the truth.

I didn’t leave my country to fix this issue by the way. That wasn’t really the goal actually. In fact, I don’t really have friends at home and never really had any. I’ve never been good at making friends so I spent most of my time alone once I became a teen. Anyway, I came because I wanted to experience true independence. Growing up, I had a very controlling and overbearing family and also experienced some traumatic things in my childhood and I just promised myself that when I got older, the first thing I wanted to do was start over and try to create a life I personally wanted for myself.

Now, I will say I am happy in that I was able to do all of this with basically no help at 21 years old. It truly is a great feeling to be able to do everything on my own now and I actually really like living abroad, but the feeling of loneliness never goes away. Especially during the holidays. Whenever there’s a major holiday, I always feel terrible because reality always sets in and then I remember how alone I am. I have no friends, no family, nothing. It’s just me. So you can imagine how that feels…and sometimes I’ll think about going home but then when I remember that I don’t have anyone else at home either it kinda makes me feel trapped? I don’t the right word to describe it, but it’s definitely not a good feeling I’d say.

I’m slowly starting to get used to solitude but not gonna lie, it feels weird when I’m almost always alone and I see other people with their friends and family laughing and having a good time. And you’re probably thinking “this is an easy fix”, “just find a hobby and meet people” , “People will come. Don’t worry”. I’ve tried all that. I’m a very introverted person and over time my self-esteem has depleted because I’ve constantly been let down numerous times, so I just don’t have the energy to try meeting people anymore.

It was even worse when I tried dating because all the people I met would just take advantage of me. They knew I cared too much for me so of course they took advantage of me! I was just too stupid to not see it because all I wanted was to finally be seen. Literally compromised myself and my well-being just for them to end up leaving in the end. It was never-ending and happened with every single person.