*ﾟ✧ Nothing ✧ is ✧ Real ✧*ﾟ

-St Augustine, on Alexander the Great

"What even is a war? Like isn't it illegal to kill people?"

This is one of nature’s most anatomically perverse of all beasts. A FISH, like a carp or a bass or a beta is a fish, but it bent its body straight up only to bend its head permanently back down. It stretched its skull into a pipe. It tapered its tail like a lizard, specifically like a chameleon. It can also move its eyes independently by the way, you know, like a chameleon. Fun fact, it can change color to express its mood, like you know whatever does that. It doesn’t properly swim anymore. It buzzes its few remaining fins like an insect’s wings to float itself around at a snail’s pace. It lives its whole life clinging to coral branches or seaweed, which means it decided to become a “tree dweller” in an environment where gravity didn’t even matter anyway. The males get pregnant. They make noises at each other by rubbing some of their neck bones together. Every day, EVERY DAY a mated pair does a little dance and a little neck bone song so they remember which two seahorses they were. They’re a beautiful precious obscenity. Nothing so adorable ever made such a strong case against a logical creator.

They have as little skin and meat as they could get away with. Their skeleton is almost all they are.

Lions have a 20-30% success rate on their hunts, depending on daytime and if they’re in a group. Great white sharks, anywhere from 40% to 80%, depending on the size and skill of the individual. Dragonflies, which are one of the most successful terrestrial hunters, can hit about 80-85%. Seahorses? 90% success rate, sometimes more. Only a fraction of their prey escapes that powerful vacuum. They’re incredibly precise. 

If you touch them, they feel hard, because of the skeleton underneath their skin. Their tails are being studied to make coiling bridges, because of how strong that interlocked structure is. Different species range in size from over a foot long, to barely an inch. 

and the newest seahorse family member, discovered in 2015, the ruby sea dragon ❤️

A guardian of wild spaces, the embodiment of nature untouched by mankind's industry and greed. Fewer and farther between.

The ideal of "Purity" made manifest, elusive and powerful and hunted for fruitlessly by many a person. To kill. To actually kill. Living symbol of the oh-so-coveted Purity, not treated as a sacred thing to protect, or even predated for food to survive off, but a trophy for knights and lords to boast about.

So absolutely fierce and deadly that no one smart dared to fight it fairly. A gentle maiden had to betray it into resting in her lap so that a man could spear it while its guard was down.

Able to heal any wound no matter how severe - it promised miracles, if you could find one.

Pizza was voted the 9th best thing, making it the best food. Bees weren't in the top 10 best things, but they won 77% of matchups to be selected as the best creature, followed by emperor penguins and hedgehogs. Bisexuality didn't place in the top 10 either, but it won 73% of matchups compared to heterosexuality winning only 45%. (Orgasms were the highest ranked sexual thing, and were miraculously ranked at number 69.) I think the windmill is supposed to stand for electricity, which was the second place winner. And the winner of "best thing" was sleep.

Pizza was voted the 9th best thing, making it the best food. Bees weren't in the top 10 best things, but they won 77% of matchups to be selected as the best creature, followed by emperor penguins and hedgehogs. Bisexuality didn't place in the top 10 either, but it won 73% of matchups compared to heterosexuality winning only 45%. (Orgasms were the highest ranked sexual thing, and were miraculously ranked at number 69.) I think the windmill is supposed to stand for electricity, which was the second place winner. And the winner of "best thing" was sleep.

Has a silk bathrobe

Avowed bachelor

Curious

Extraordinary

Eccentric

Wears a hat of someone else’s choosing

Inconsistent

A sunset lover

Smooth elbows

A man with specific mannerisms

Sleeps diagonally

A perplexment

Rides the carousel

An evening botanist

Classically athletic

Fraternally-minded

Wears a light wristwatch

Gives a careful handshake

Gives too much change for a dollar

A fluent swimmer

A keen-eyed birdwatcher

Fond of his mother

Elegant

Built on an uncertain foundation

Fluttersome

A real jackdaw

Avowed bachelor

A gentleman of the piers

Born with the caul

Limber

An aesthete

In the way of uncles

He throws a party with an open guest list

Son of the moon

A boy from Eton

Always rings twice

Has a silk bathrobe

Not quite up-to-code

He hitchhikes instead of taking the bus

Stays ahead of the game

A skillful mountain climber

Salutes another flag

An upside-down chimney-sweep