whisper: thank you, for stopping by

i wrote this webpage that walks u thru looking after yourself when you know a thought is making you spiral. deployed it publicly bc i wanted it on mobile and i thought other people might like it too

I need to collect one who uses he/him pronouns, one I don't know very well, one who's slutty, and one who's really funny.

And it's that thing where you mentally place yourself as the second, auxiliary party to someone else that you consider to be "In Charge" of whatever space or occupation or responsibility you are assigned to

And when you are IN that mindset, it *feels* like you're being responsible. It *feels* like you're being respectful, and helpful, and contributing to the load.

But what you don't SEE- because it *feels* like deference- is that the other person who you're seeing as The Authority you report to- by being assigned that role, has also been assigned the invisible load of BEING YOUR MANAGER.

This is by FAR most commonly seen in husband-and-wife relationships, where the man says, "just tell me what I can do to HELP- you don't have to do it all by yourself, but it's like you won't even tell me when you NEED help. You just do everything and then get mad at me for not doing it first. I can help clean. I can help with the kids. I can help"

But I also see it- and am guilty myself of doing it- at work, at school, in public- that mental, "this is THEIR space, and i will be respectful and helpful to THEM"- without realizing that subservience in this manner isn't actually a good thing. That it actually shifts the burden of responsibility to the other person. That aspect was totally invisible to me.

I didn't understand that when I was told, "if you see something that needs to be done, just DO it", or, "take the initiative", what they ACTUALLY meant was, "I am not above you", or "you have equal say in what kind of environment you want to live or work in", or "I do not want full control over what happens here, I do not want to order you around, I do not want to be in charge, what I WANT is to co-command WITH you"

Being in The Assigned Authority position NOW, that is all so much clearer.

I am the senior member of my team at work, and now, every time I train a newbie, every time I finish catching them up to speed and giving them a list of everything that needs to be done, my next big hurdle seems to always be, "now take pride in the space when I'm not around". "Now don't assume I'll tell you when something is due or what orders to plan things in".

Now, having been on both sides of the struggle, I can appreciate the sticking points here

TO THE PERSON "IN CHARGE": The person deferring to you doesn't understand the invisible labor you're doing. They genuinely believe you know more, you WANT more, you see things they don't, and that they are being respectful and good by staying out of your way and waiting on your orders. THAT is the bit that's not clicking.

TO THE PERSON "WANTING TO HELP": "Help" implies that you are providing assistance to a problem that belongs to somebody else. Stop thinking like that. Understand that the problem belongs to BOTH of you equally, and consider what kind of shared space you BOTH want. What is your SHARED GOAL? Not THEIR goal, but a goal that belongs to you too. Own your space.

This is not a Commander-Lieutenant problem. This is a Partnership problem.

If you are asked beforehand before an event whether there are things that you can't or won't eat, you should tell the truth. Do not lie and say you've got no food limitations if you know that you do. Knowing the truth and choosing to say something false instead is lying.

If you were not asked, but you know that you have food limitations that people should bear in mind, you should let them know nonetheless. If they simply forgot to ask you, they'll appreciate you telling them nonetheless. If they didn't ask because they don't care, they don't give a shit about you. Don't go to events or eat food offered by people who don't give a shit about you.

If you were asked what you can't and won't eat and you lied, and you are offered something you know they didn't know you don't like, you are the one who owes them an apology, not the other way around.

If you lied about what you can't or won't eat and know there won't be anything available that you can eat, then at least bring your own food.

If you lied about what you can't or won't eat and you know that there won't be anything there for you, and you also did not bring your own food, at least try not to be rancid to be around because you're hungry.

If you know there won't be food for you because you lied, and you didn't bring your own food despite of knowing that you're insufferable to deal with when you're hungry, then you'd better be fast enough to outrun me.

If you can't outrun me, then you'd better be able to outsmart me.

However the drunk guys are also drinking, and eventually she can't afford to buy another pitcher for the table so she can't keep up the ever-full beer glass trick. At this point she has to resort to setting up the pool trick shot that she's never seen anyone but her boyfriend pull off, and says she'll leave with whoever manages the shot first.

Produce = Fresh. Tasty. Nutritious. Contains some ppm of Love.

is/has been an active suicide risk