church grim

a good way to inspire yourself to do more is to see yourself as the wacky sitcom B plot character in your friends lives, "wouldnt it be funny to tell the friends in my phone about it." has gotten me to do anything from going to a festival (excelent) to wild camping (it went badly) (coastguard called) to trying to get the train to stonehenge (stonehenge costs money so i ended up just getting lunch in sailsbury, it was okay.) i bought a bicycle today and 20% of my reasoning was "itd be funny to surprise my roommate by coming home with a whole bike." . life is for living. and baby i live for the bit.

My body is already an inhospitable environment, there’s no way a friggin baby would be able to survive in it

Also babies can’t even fight, how would they fare in battle against my inner demons?

Just realised that "-ass", when used as a suffix, has the same meaning as "-esque". Gonna start using them interchangeably. Kafka-ass dystopia

If I see that cowboy flesh hat and one more goddamn time

strange icon on my dash BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BAoh hang on. sniff sniff lick sniff. sniff. mutual. carry on

Amazing photograph taken in the fraction of a second where the target doesn’t even know he’s being tackled yet. Idiot.

Being the only guy who works in a beauty store is fucking hilarious sometimes. Im the only one who can sell our shitty beard shampoo and a not insignificant amount of our customers think im untrustworthy. According to my coworkers i use every mens product we have so they can get dudes to buy a shaving cream. Trying to explain to people that theres no difference between "men's" and "women's" products is like talking to a brick wall. Ive had multiple women get angry with me for sampling them out one of our "men's" moisturizers when they specifically said they wanted a mattifying one to control oil and that's the best one we have for those two things. I still think about the guy who came in asking if we had "masks for men." I contemplate ending it all every time someone returns a completely unused product that they absolutely refuse to try just because it either says or doesnt say "for men" on it. 90% of the time its the perfect product for them. I had a lady who was willing to buy a worse product for her needs that was more expensive just so it wouldnt say it was for men. Are you ever tired? Are you ever exhausted? These are the same kinds of people who say that im the one whos obsessed with gendering everything because im trans.

What is it about laying on the floor when you're overwhelmed that makes everything feel so much better?

When God has ceased to answer your prayers, it feels good to distance yourself from Heaven.

Adding this to my list of incredibly raw fucking lines gifted from the impossible wonder that is tumblr

so did that the vampire get the job

stop scrolling. leans in. SNIFFFFF SNF SNF SNF SNIIIFF SNIF SNIOF SNIF SNIF SNIF SNIF SNIF SNIF SNIF SNIF SNIF SNIF SNIF SNIF SNIF SNIF SNIF. ok you may pass.