BlindObjective

Note: this next bit of  writing takes some artistic liberties when it comes to some to some of the science. This means there may be slight inaccuracies. Try to suspend disbelief for the moment and enjoy :)

From The Intergalactic Journal of Mechanics and Biology

The human cortical system is a marvel of biological engineering. It has multiple backup systems with feedforward and feedback processes. Damage the brain, and instead of death, you may simply damage only one area of functioning. In some cases the damage does not remain long as other parts of the brain are re purposed to fill the role of the damaged cortical tissue. Humans had been under the impression for the longest time that their ability to regenerate neurons in the CNS was lacking. However, in comparison to other species with similar cortical structures, this ability is astonishing.

Humans are the only species known to be able to survive damage to cortical tissue.

However, there is one great issue with the human brain, and that is its extreme use of energy requiring at least 20% of the body’s energy overall to keep functioning. Additionally the human brain requires sufficient nutrition and hydration. Any number of these issues can impair functioning to such a complex organ.

To add to this, additional memory processing can only happen when paired with sleep.

Sleep is a construct not totally understood by the rest of the galaxy. While certain species are known generate phases of reduced consciousness similar to human “meditation”, they do not demonstrate the complete shut-down of conscious function that humans do. For the complete functioning of this apex predator, the brain requires at least eight hours of unconsciousness. In comparison to similar cortical structures, the process of sleep in humans is comparable to only one thing…. Death in other species.

  The ship was quiet, terribly silent with only the distant thrumming sound of the engines. It was an odd fact about human space life. Eight hours or more of a solar cycle, the humans lay silent and unmoving completely unaware of the world around them, lying as if dead.

After nearly a year aboard the ship, Krill had gotten used to the odd fact, though it never ceased to amaze him and slightly terrify him.

The first time this had happened, he had been horrified out of his mind.

From the Intergalactic Journal of Biology and Mechanics

During the solar cycle of 14456 a replication study was conducted by our scientists on the Intergalactic Congress Laboratory. The study attempted to replicate an experiment from a previously published human study. The results were a conclusive replication indicating that the human mouth contains up to 200 species of microorganisms at a concentration of 1,000 to 1 billion on each dental protrusion (tooth).

Despite their out world classification as a class A-1 predator, on their own planet they meet a low classification of a D-8 predator or a B-2 when factoring in their intelligence. For this reason, on their own planet, the humans are not considered to be venomous despite the need for immediate hospitalization upon receiving a bite from their own species.

Off planet their nature as an A-1 apex predator gives them a subclass of a G-6 venom predator. Though their saliva is not dangerous when in contact with open skin or carapace, immediate medical attention is required if bitten or spit on. Areas of danger include the eyes nose mouth, or any other orifice that allows access to the nervous system.

Additional literature on the subject indicates that bacterial presence is used as a catalyst for breaking down food in the mouth. Other bacteria exists within the gut to help with food processing. Without bacterial assistance, food processing would be almost impossible for a human. The nature of this mutualism inoculates the human against most off-world diseases.

A cautionary note: Species from the Gamma four sector are advised to keep clear of humans all together as they are particularly susceptible to human venom*.

*All non-human species are advised to avoid calling humans “Venomous” as it may be seen as an insult. Humans do not see themselves as a particular danger to others in this way.

  At any other time, Krill might have been worried about their present predicament, but after months of shenanigans with the humans including almost dying more than once, the situation they were in now was almost laughable.

Once again human reckless stupidity had brought them to their knees before an angry group of Burg. Perhaps they would have made it out alive if the “sass” of the Captain hadn’t inadvertently offended the leader of the ship; an offence, which punishment was immediate execution.

The aliens can not figure how a race that laughs and giggles over normal bodily functions, dare each other into near death experiences, and over all say ridiculous things (seemingly) on purpose, could advance past the ability to live in a cave.

Human: “Yeah, toxicology became a thing in the 1920s.  Spurred on because during the prohibition people were drinking methanol and industrial alcohol.”

Alien: why on earth would they do that?

Human: well…if you’re desprate enough…

ALien: but surly you realized that ethanol is a type of poison as well?

human: ….yeah…that became apparent after the prohibition ended and the majority of people drank themselves to death…and we just don’t care…even though alcohol is legal, people are still making moonshine and wood alcohol for chuckles and grins.

alien: ….

human: oh and about the original topic i wanted to talk about before we started talking about alcohol.  anyway, toxicology became a thing and if you look at the old photographs, they’re not even wearing any gloves when they’re dealing with the chemicals.  the window in the back of the photo is shut, and they don’t have goggles or masks.  man, just thinking about all the things we know about lab safety now amazes me.

So I don’t know if anyone’s written about this yet, but I was trawling through the humans-are-space-orcs tag and I was hit by the sudden realization that I’ve seen nothing about space chefs. 

Space chefs must be like one of the most knowledgable professions out there, think about it:

“Alright, so this is a Crexian from Norix- that means capsicum is a deadly poison, Omega-3 will cause muscle spasms and due to the atmosphere on Norix, calcium will give them terrible diarrhea- no wait, this is a male, so Omega-3 is actually delicious–”

“–a Bio-bot, model Gamma-341, so absolutely no organic oils in anything or their systems will stop working, and for Stabby’s sake do not let anything with iron in it so much as look funny at their food–”

“–Mariddian fresh out of hibernation, shove as many protein additives into that meat as you can get away with and remember not to use salt, it fries their neural pathways–”

Like. I bet there’s an Interstellar Chef magazine in circulation full of recipes that are two pages long and then all the species that can and cannot eat it are listed for the next five. And every time a new species joins the intergalactic mess, the magazine runs a special issue as all the space chefs die a little more inside. The special issue gives a brief breakdown of the new species biology and then dives straight into what’s poison, what’s nutritional, what’s considered delicious and whats considered choke-worthy. If at all possible, the special issue also includes recipies from the species native culture while all the space chefs desperately try to figure out what dishes they can jury-rig into a new definition of edible.

They probably love humans though.

“Hey Jaxki, did you hear about the new species that the Crynsu found? They’re supposedly from a Death World, can you belie–”

“Oh fuck another speices?!?! They found three last spin and I’m still trying to figure out what to feed the Hrethad. Any word what they eat? You get the Chef before me.”

“Hold up let me look, I just got it today…void and dust!”

“Oh novas, what, can they not have water or something?”

“Jaxi these fuckers eat everything! They can digest chlorogenic acid! Some of them do it every day, by the void-loving gallon!!! And that’s just the nose of the Quarlag! This thing has a whole list of chemicals these guys consider delicious or edible and I swear to you it’s like someone mixed their list of the universe’s most common compounds with its spacing deadliest poisons!”

So, I am learning about color perception in one of my classes, and it turns out the ability to see and understand color is more complex than we often think despite the limited range on the electromagnetic spectrum between 400-700 nanometers. So, I thought I would write a little story about how human color vision is weird.

  The war with the Gnar’lack had reached a critical turning point. The Finnerian council was at its wits end. They were losing the war, and badly. The Unified Galactic Assembly had sent aid in the form of additional troops to supplement their own, but all efforts had been for not, and the assisting soldiers had been withdrawn home at the order of their home worlds.

               The Finneri were on their own with no chance of aid left in the galaxy and their spirits broken. Soon the last transport ship would be sent off world with their children in an attempt to preserve their species.

The likelihood of which seemed slim.

               General Lin-Ar was camped with what was left of his men along the southern polar border waiting for, what was likely to be, their last and final battle.

               If this last ditch plan didn’t work, they were doomed to extinction at the hand of their greatest enemy. The world would be overrun by the Gnar’lak and they would become only a memory in distant histories.

               “General?” The radio signal intercepted him on his posterior receptors, and he turned to face the speaker. Infrared and thermal sensors within his eyes picked up the spot as a glowing radiant beacon of heat.

               “Commander.”

               “Are we ready?”

               “We have to be.”

               The two turned themselves to the command’s last interstellar communication tower and began the process.

               “What happens if none answer?”

               “Then we give up our last hope.” There was a long silence as the two contemplated those words before

               “How do we know the stories are even true?”

               General Lin-Ar paused to think about that for a moment. Truth be told he wasn’t really sure if the stories were true. This far out on the border of the galaxy, stories of humans were still more myth than fact, but what other choice did he have. It he had to choose between a long shot and giving up, there was only one option.

               “Send the transmission.”

               The commander gave a nod stepping up to the tower to input the message, and there they waited with bated breath. The infrared monitor on the far wall remained silent for a horrible moment before bursting into an array of blinding intensity.

               The shape sitting there was so blinding, the cameras were having trouble adjusting to the signal.

               “This is Captain Vir of the USS Stabby responding to an urgent SOS from the planet…. Uh…. Gnf…. I can’t pronounce that.”

               Relief washed over the general as he moved to the screen. The translator was working.

               “So the stories are true.” Came the static response.

               “True and serious as a heart attack, General…. Anyway what can I do you for?”

               The human spoke oddly. From what he heard they were supposed to be a barbaric and warlike race, but as far as he could tell the human was on the far side of nonthreatening even a little spacey. His hopes began to dwindle.

               “We are the Finneri, and we are close to extinction. For over millions of years we have been at war with the Gnar’lak. Despite all of our efforts, we have failed to hold them back. I represent what is left of my race begging you for assistance. You are our last hope.”

               “Well S***, that does sound bad. I warn you, General. I represent only one ship. I don’t know if there is much we can do.”

               “If all the stories I have heard are correct, than I would rather take that chance.”

               “Hm…. Well, how could I say no to that? Give us a day.” The com went dead

               General Lin-ar paused in confusion, “He had expected a measure of resistance. Any race would have. To help a people on the brink of destruction against overwhelming odds was reason for concern, but the human had agreed almost out of hand recklessly agreeing to a suicide mission without knowing anything about the situation.

               Why would anyone do that?

               What had they gotten themselves into?

               Perhaps the quick agreement had just been a cultural construct. Maybe the humans would never show up, but personal discussion required that they agree in order to avoid offending. Only time would tell.

***

Hey all. Didn’t think I would get this sort of response, but since I have. I have decided to do at least one of these “Humans are Weird or Humans are Space Orcs” every day. If you have any ideas you’d like to see me write, I’d be thankful for suggestions. 

Alien: *walks in to mess hall sees human sitting at a table crying*

Alien “Human, what is wrong. Why is your face leaking.”

*human looks up wiping eyes* 

Human: *Sorry, I’m just really upset. This is what happens when humans are upset, we cry….. There was a bombing back home, none of my family is answering.”

Alien: *walks back in later, human still crying*

Alien: “Oh no, human, are you ok? What is wrong?”

*human looks up wipes eyes again*

Human: “Oh sorry.” grins “my family just called back and they’re ok.”

Alien: *in confusion* “Why are you upset about that?”

Human: “Oh no, you misunderstand. Humans also cry when we’re happy or relieved 

Alien *rolls eyes but doesn’t question. Humans are weird after all 

Alien *returns later to see the humans in s big circle, all of them are crying so hard they are almost bent double. They have to be upset.*

Alien: “What’s wrong now?”

human: *regains breath and wipes tears from eyes, “Nothing, nothing, Jim just told a really funny joke. Laughed so hard I cried.”

Alien: *annoyed now. Walks away shaking his head*

Alien: *walks in to lab and is nearly hit by a metal trey flying towards the wall*

human: *screams in anger tears rolling down their face*

Alien: *tentatively peeks out from behind shelf* “are you alright, human?

Human: “NO I’M NOT ALRIGHT. I’M PISSED OFF!” *turns away wiping eyes*

Alien: *hurried from the room to scared to be annoyed*

human: *sneezes*

Alien: *turns around to find human’s face leaking again, exasperated* “What NOW? Why can you possibly be upset, happy, or angry NOW?”

Human: *looking confused* “I’m not any of those, my allergies are just really bad right now.”

Alien: *Sputtering in exasperation*

*out on a mission, the planet is freezing cold*

Alien: *looks at human*

Human *dribbling from the eyes and nose. this Cannot be laughter or allergies, they have to be upset*

Alien: “What’s wrong human?”

Human: *wipes nose* “Nothing, just cold.”

Alien: “You’re ****ing kidding me.”

*Human yawns. wipes eyes*

Alien “What now! What now. How can you possibly be doing this now. Are you hungry, horny or frustrated WHAT! WHAT IS THIS RIDDLE!”

*human: holds up hands wiping eyes* “nothing just tired is all”

Alien *screams in frustration*

Alien: *glares at human as human wipes their eyes*

Human: *Sees the look* “Sorry, eyes are burning. don’t know why”

Alien: *stands up* “Don’t know why. Don’t know why. Of course you don’t know why” *storms out. Opens human behavior log. scribbles our years of dedicated note taking. Writes In big bold letters*

Human, mouth already full: if they can survive my stomach acid, the microscopic bastards can take what they want

That was the saying we lived by. For untold generations our people refused to fight because we had no reason to do so. Even when we developed our technology and began our long fly into the unknown we stay true to our core beliefs. We saw the horrors and suffering that followed in other people’s wars. We thought we were above them.

We were wrong.

eighty years have passed since our people became slaves to the war machine of the Kai’tau. To them war was the only way forward. And where other people saw our philosophy as a virtue. They only saw targets ripe for the taking. They came without warning, without mercy, and without end. And we let them come without any resistance. We never lifted a finger.

How could we? We didn’t even know the word. And I ask you... How many have suffered because of our arrogance? I’m not talking about the Kai’tau! I’m talking about us! Our people! How many injustices went unanswered because we did not fight!? How many starved? How many worked to death? How many were convinced that our greatest atrocities were our greatest achievements? We were ingrained to believe that fighting was wrong that it only led to more war and more death and more suffering. But in doing so we allowed even more suffering and death to befall our people.

Now I ask you to look to the humans. They are less advanced than us, less numerous then us, they are surrounded on all sides with no allies close by to aid them. And there they are fighting a war they can not win alone. Why? What do they gain? Something that our people have lived without for millennia! Freedom! I hear some of you mock them, calling them a war species so stupid that they don’t even know how to conquer. So I say to you! So they are a war spices then, huh? Let me tell you. They are no war species! They fight for peace! No war spices ever fights for peace! We have blinded ourselves into thinking peace can be bought through laying down and accepting our fates. Well the humans have proven that false! And I say we follow their example!

An idea that occurred to me recently is that of deviousness and malicious compliance, especially with regards to war. What if there was an alien alliance has strict protocols for a declaration of war which if they aren’t adhered to mean the other species declare war on those who break these rules.

“Sire, a delegation from the Human confederation requests an audience”

The Grand Emperor of the Klargh nodded his head, “Of course show them in” He rumbled.

Through the doors to the meeting hall two humans entered, clearly a diplomat and his aide.

“Grand Emperor, I have a request of you to make before we start” The diplomat paused waiting for a signal to continue “We would like permission for one of our convoys to pass through your space as per the rules of the alliance.”

“You would not be having this problem if you let your freighters go as they please, but as you wish, you freighters and escort may enter our space. Now what else do you have to talk about?” The Grand Emperor enquired.

“I will choose to ignore your jibe at our protection of our freighter, but it is your ships that attack our freighters when they are unescorted. We will not have that! Time and again we request that you refrain from harrying ships of the human confederation and yet you refuse. Hence our escorts.” The diplomat glared at the Grand Emperor, meanwhile his aide was tapping away at his silly little communication device. Were these petty species not advanced enough to have implants yet.

The Emperor laughed, “You petty species, my people are free to do as they wish. Your freighters at not my concern”

The diplomat looked furious, a victory in the Emperors eye. He always enjoyed seeing them squirm.

“We have firm evidence that it is your ships, your military ships may I add, that harry our freighters. Is that not enough for your thick skull, we know they are your orders!”

The jibe struck the Emperor, “I will give you one chance to take back your insult, or else…” Threatened the Emperor.

“Or else what? You bone headed maggot” Replied the diplomat.

“It will be war” Said the Emperor, gesturing to the alliance delegation, who were always present during talks between species to ensure everything was done legally.

“Do not push us to war, you would not like what you see. Now order your military back into its place like a civilised nation.” the diplomat reasoned.

“So be it, terran space is light years away from here and my military will mobilise much faster than your puny ships.” Turning to the alliance delegations the Emperor states, “As per the laws of this galaxy I would like to formally write up a declaration of war against the human species”

The human diplomat looked terrified, good. Serves them right.

A few hours later the document was finalised.

“And with your signings of this document hostilities will commence between your two species” Drawled the alliance delegation.

Lavishly the Grand Emperor put his mark on the document, a little more timidly the human diplomat signed as well.

Straightening up the diplomat nodded and pulled out his silly little communicator, to prep his ship I suppose. The grin on the Emperors face fell at the next words and the following report that filtered in through his implant.

“This is General Aachen to the grand fleet, commence bombardment.”

“Grand Emperor, the human convoy. It’s not freighters, its battleships! They’re opening fire and they’re nearly in a position to launch landing craft! But you’ve only just signed the declaration!”

Panicked the Grand Emperor looked to the alliance delegation, “Is that legal?”

“You gave them permission to enter your space, and they didn’t open fire or signal hostile intentions before signing the document. This is due to your actions and the failings in your technology to recognise those ships as what they were. This is all legal and no longer an alliance matter.”

If you disagree with me, unfollow my blog, block me and never look at my blog again.

Out of 19000+ followers I have, only one of you actually reblogged about this issue, yet a lot of you have reblogged and liked a picture by playboy about catcalling and that how men should never do it.

Additionally, I have received abuse in my ask box (which I will be answering when I can) and threats. In particular death threats and rape threats.

I’m not the most eloquent writer, but I’ve had this idea kicking around for a while and figured I’d put it out into the universe.

A lot of the basis for the “humans are space orcs” stuff is the idea that we’re pretty durable compared to many species, yeah? When it comes to physical trauma, we can bounce back from most things that don’t kill us outright, especially given the benefit of hypothetical space-age technology, and adrenaline is one heck of a drug when it comes to functioning under stress. 

But that doesn’t make us unkillable, and even though we can survive debilitating injuries and not die from shock, it doesn’t mean it’s fun. Dying of shock sucks, but at least it’s probably quick.

So - Imagine a ship, adrift in space, slowly being drawn into a star or something. In order to save the ship, someone has to repair the hyper-quantum-relay-majig on the hull or in the engine or whatever. Bit of a problem though- there’s a ton of deadly, deadly radiation (Wrath of Khan style) or poisonous fumes or, I dunno, electrical current, between the crew and the repair. Like, enough to kill most species instantly, so the crew is just like, ‘welp, guess we’ll die then’. But then.

BUT THEN

They ask the human. Because everyone’s heard the stories - you’re basically unkillable, right? Could you survive long enough in there to fix it? And their human goes real quiet for a second, but still says ‘Yeah, I could fix it’. And the rest of the crew is like, ‘Whaaaaaa, it won’t kill you?’ and the human repeats “I can fix it” (which isn’t an answer, but no one catches that, not yet at least), so they send ‘em in. And the human fixes it, they come back, the ship flies to safety, and the crew is thrilled to survive. If the human is a little quiet, well, they’re entitled after pulling off a miracle. Everyone else is just excited to get to the nearest station’s bar to tell their very own human story, cuz, ‘those crazy humans, amiright?’.

The good mood keeps up until the human is late for their next shift. At first it’s just faint unease, but- but they earned a bit of a lie-in, right? No reason to begrudge them some extra rest, even if it is a little weird for them to oversleep. They’ll be fine. Humans are always fine. 

(Right?)

(…Wrong.)

- What is… help. Help!-

- ake up! You have t-

- been days. You need sleep, you-

- nother transfusion. We could-

- out of sedatives!-

A week later, the crew finally reaches the station. They stumble into the bar, haggard and haunted. And over the next months and years a new rumor about humans starts to make its way through space. A rumor unlike any before.

***

System X551b had been known about for over 600,000 cycles, it had quickly been deemed a death world. Inhabited by monstrous reptilian creatures with no coherent thoughts that attacked any delegations that landed on the world. These creatures combined with the unstable surface, extreme weather and such variances in temperature between the poles, led to the classification and warning to stay away.

But recently, within the last cycle the planet started to do something strange. It started, screaming? A wall of incoherent noise came from the planet, the kind associated with unshielded radio communication. But the last check on the planet around 500 cycles ago showed no developed species, there was life for sure but nothing to develop radio technology. That and the fact all know species took at least 1000 cycles to even begin to develop the technology. Research vessel 1076 was assigned to do an expedited scan of the planet.