HARMONY / DISCORD

hi

       ‘ you’re pulling your punches there, pup. afraid you’ll break your old man’s brittle bones? ‘ bryce let out a chuckle through his teeth, a harmless jab at his youngest.

       taller and taller she grew as the years went by, it almost startled him how close she was to being eye level with him at times. although his old heart swelled with pride, the speed at which his two children grew tall and strong was almost terrifying. the more they prepared themselves to face the world, the more tired he felt getting out of bed every morning. still, he dared not show mairi how his joints ached as they sparred together, at least not yet. he wanted to enjoy being her hero for just a little while longer.

       ‘ you’re lucky fergus isn’t watching today, you wouldn’t hear the end of it. ‘

𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫, 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐚𝐥𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐛𝐞𝐠𝐮𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞, boiled in vic’s veins again, clouding his lungs  &  sending his mind into a dizzy spin. stopping mid-pace to spin around again, he faced evee with a WILD disbelief painted across his features, arms waving about as he moved, the breath he released merely one huff of a scoff.

❝ why do ya’ twist my words ?! ❞   this time, he shouted,  &  the volume of his own voice made him jump, something in his face twitching. all expression immediately dropped, hands coming to his face to rub at his eyes, a weary groan spilling from his chest.   ❝ for fucks sake … ❞   there was a certain MISERY in being angry with someone you cared for,  &  it tore vic in two, his sense  &  bias both pulling him in different directions. 

irritation won again.   ❝ i didn’t mean better than you, evelyn, i said someone else——–to drink, someone you trusted more than morrigan, better than any of us with you. ❞   somehow, stern words delivered through gritted teeth felt worse than shouting——–but they needed saying. she’d blown his words wildly out of proportion; he wasn’t wishing for a better inquisitor, but for someone besides his sister to be put in so much danger. he didn’t CARE who——–so long as it wasn’t his family. he had but two people in this world;  &  both seemed intent on bargaining with their lives at every opportunity, keeping him sick with worry.

❝ and you are the kid, still. ❞   tentative words, ones he knew she’d DESPISE, but delivered equally as firm.   ❝ you’re the youngest of us all, you can’t deny that. you——you’re my family, and i hate—– ❞   now his voice grew weary, choked up in a way that reminded he wasn’t so much angry at her, but at life, instead.   ❝ i hate watchin’ you put yourself in so much danger. its so fucked up that you feel that responsibility in the first place——i hate that you feel like its your job to DIE. you’re the inquisitor, yes, so it should be your job to live. we need you alive——i need you alive, and i hate … i HATE this. ❞ 

       ‘ i don’t need to twist your words to know it’s what you’re thinking, ‘ she grumbled out, the uncertainty obvious in her tone. the lie felt heavy on her tongue as she spoke each word, as if she forced herself to say it, hoping she would believe them after it was left in the air. there is no possible chance that anyone believed in her. there was no possibility that someone that was living and breathing cared about her well being. ‘ it’s all anyone ever thinks about, ‘ she said, silently cursing at the subtle quiver in her voice.

       evee’s age was always used against her and never used as a reason for keeping her safe. it was only brought up to point out her flaws and used as an argument for why she couldn’t do what she needed to do. it hurt to hear it coming from him without the context of it being a joke. it felt like an attack even though deep down she knew it came from a place of genuine worry and care. 

       his voice startled her, and despite her best attempts her small frame JUMPED up in surprise. eyes reddened but even so, she crossed her arms and puffed out her chest, trying to appear bigger than she really was. appearing like the authoritative figure during conversations was always such an obstacle she struggled to overcome each time. 

       ‘ i think i’ve come to terms with what i have to do here and i think you should too. i don’t think corypheus cares if you lose a friend or not as long as he gets what he wants, ‘ she continued, finally looking away as she was unable to hold his angry stare any longer. 

       when did she stop holding any sort of value to her own life? when did she stop caring whether she lived or died? when did the timid little evee die and when was INQUISITOR TREVELYAN born? when did she stop being a teenage girl and instead a tool for a world that would never thank her? 

       her fingers clutched her sides, stubborn crossed arms instead softened to hug herself in comfort. her anchor flared angrily but she ignored it as best as she could.

𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐞𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐞 was not one vic was inclined to believe. everyone said fine when they meant something opposite——–even he himself claimed such things. whether he was only a little down, or drowning in the depths of his own DESPAIR; it was always fine. evee had just drank of some ancient, god-binding well. she did not seem fine.

doubt was obvious in the way he shook his head, still meeting her firm gaze, his own look of disbelief holding just as steadfast.   ❝ fine. ❞   the word was SCOFFED back, half to show his uncertainty towards it, but mostly to put an end to that part of the argument. 

now more annoyed than anything, he paused after she spoke  &  began to pace, hands gripping the sides of his coat sleeves. emotions were so complicated a thing,  &  especially in that moment——–he yet worried, but remained angry, all while seeing a point to her claims;  &  disagreeing with them, too. her age was, of course, a factor in it,  &  the way vic regarded her as FAMILY. even if she was right——which she wasn’t, he was certain——it made no difference; his sister had no business putting herself in danger. 

his pace showed no signs of ceasing.   ❝ we could have guarded it, or somethin’. ❞  wrong, he thought, if the originally appointed ancient elvhen guards couldn’t manage it.   ❝ and it really doesn’t seem like the ONLY option. besides morrigan, you weren’t there alone. someone else could have, or we could have sent for someone better … ❞     breathing hitched again as he looked towards her, brows stitched together.   ❝ hell, even i would’ve drank the shit first. i’ll always be in your corner, but you—–you put yourself in danger, evee, danger none of us understood. do you not get why i’m angry ? ❞

       ‘ someone better? ‘ evee was visibly taken aback by his choice of words. her face and neck grew more pink and she bit down on her lips as several words jumbled inside of her mind to form something even remotely considered a sentence. evee hated confrontations, even ran away from them before they got even uglier than they already were. but unfortunately she couldn’t contain her thoughts any longer.

       ‘ there is no one better. cassandra TRIED looking for someone better but than I happened. you all got stuck with me, ‘ evee was slowly shaking her head, baffled by the amount of blame he was putting on her. ‘ and now hawke is dead and the hero of ferelden is off maker knows where... there can’t possibly be anyone better... ‘

       she was angry. she hated it. she was never angry. it would be at this point in time where she would cry and tell vic that he’s right and that she feels lost and that the pressure of being the inquisitor was collapsing on top of her and was suffocating her. but she wasn’t. instead she was angry and she was visibly shaking from it. anger was a new chaotic aura that she rarely felt that jumbled around inside her and she wasn’t sure how to control it or make it stop.

𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐚 𝐦𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭, 𝐡𝐞 𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫, the way she’d had some capacity to be sick with worry  &  anger at the same time. vic used to not get it, when he brought such feelings about——–are you worried about me, or angry at me ?! how defensive he’d get, shouting at her so. he most certainly got it now. grateful evee was alive, WORRIED for what her life would be now, angry that she acted without much care for herself——–&  was now scoffing at him over it all. didn’t she understand ?

he scratched at one of his arms, which did not actually itch, continuing to shake his head wildly.   ❝ you are——–but you didn’t know you would be ! ❞   the usually thick accent he sported leveled itself ; a sure sign that he was dead serious.   ❝ just ‘cause you can do somethin’ and live through it, doesn’t fucking mean you SHOULD. ❞

being angry made his head hurt, a quiet ring starting in his ears. he didn’t like it, didn’t like anger or arguing,  &  liked being fearful far less. with a sigh, a hand raised to his face to cover half of it, rub his eyes, then pinch the bridge of his nose.   ❝ maybe no-one should have taken it, the way that abelas talked. we could have found some other way. ❞

he gave evee a pathetic look, hands hovering in case she stumbled again. she was acting strangely, since drinking——–he wondered what the well had done to her.   ❝ fuck’s sake … just—–are you alright ? ❞   still-panicked eyes studied her face, searching for signs of trouble.   ❝ and i mean really, not just alive, evee. ❞

       deep down evee knew that his worry was justified here. more than justified in fact, NEEDED more like because not even she knew whether she was okay or not. but in this moment she pushed that thought aside, because she felt annoyed more than anything. she knew what she was doing! she was practically almost grown up! evee was the inquisitor and the herald of andraste!

       ‘ vic, i’m fine, ‘ she said firmly, looking him straight in his eyes to show him that she was being serious, even when it hurt her head to hold his gaze. 

       maybe i should tell him, she thought to herself, about the voices i’m hearing. no, it would only make him worry more and in turn, angrier at her. she would rather face solas and morrigan’s berating than vic’s disappointment, someone she only wanted to make proud. she expected him to be impressed by her guts, which made her all the more heartbroken by his disappointment. 

       she dared not let it show however, instead she crossed her arms over her chest and stood still.