strange but not a stranger

everybody please join hands with me and pray that i am accepted to volunteer at TIFF this year

wahhh i did have kind of a perfect day . first shorts weather of the season first gay nude beach of the season i got home and the grant i wrote was approved and i have a job for another year and then i called my amazing partner who let me cry to them about it and said sweet things to me and now i get to go to bed post-beach clean

8 year anniversary with my partner yesterday. we both forgot bc we are long distance rn and celebrated together while they were here 3wks ago. they called me today after work to remind me and ask if when i’d like to do something and i immediately started crying. have barely been able to keep it together on my commute home so far. 8 years is almost a third of my life. i can’t name another single thing i have willingly consciously every day chosen to reinforce and engage in for 8 years. Going To School or Having a Job is like . technically maybe but these are containers for multiple things. my friendships are not maintained this constantly and actively. i don’t know who i’d be without them and i don’t like admitting that but it is true. my drive to be good enough for the version of them i see and love has pushed me in ways that i might not have gotten to for years. i’d like to think it would have all happened eventually no matter what though. idk. idk what i am trying to say. they have loved me through so much that thinking about how young we were when we met is really doing a number on me. we were so little. we’re still so little.

if i am being really #real it is kind of meta fucked up that when i was 13-15 i spent like. a lot of time having regular autistic meltdowns and nobody recognized them as that and i was egregiously misdiagnosed such that now i do feel like i will always have an uncontrollably disordered brain that was so disordered that treatment involved overriding basic psych protocols to diagnose me