i need kerosene

Nobody told me that I was dying or that there was anything wrong with me. I’m okay. As far as I know, I’m okay. I got a surgeon who wanted to operate bc he recognized the infection could’ve gotten worse. I got a neurologist who didn’t minimize my seizure just bc it was a one time event. I can’t read the future. I don’t know how to read EEGs. I don’t know anything besides I’m home right now and I actually don’t feel too bad right now. And if I did feel bad I could go to the ER right now.

And it’s like I have a fear that’s if it’s not epilepsy, then it’s ALS or MS or anything that could be fatal and life ending. And it’s not even dying that’s scary, its the fear that I wasted so much of my life being suicidal without realizing that it’d be over soon

Another theory they have about my seizure is that the infection being near my spinal cord could’ve triggered it. Hopefully that’s a one time trigger and didn’t permanently lower my seizure threshold. Because I’m honestly really afraid. I just don’t know a lot. Or if I have triggers or things I should be avoiding. And my medicine has side effects, some of which align with seizure symptoms

I hate that some auras for seizures are like looming dread and fear like that’s a theme for me

Not to be like this medical incident has given me a new outlook on life, but it has reinforced that I cannot freak myself bc of realities that haven’t happened yet. I can’t fast forward to when I’m better. I have to exist where I am as I am so that I can meet my needs right now. When I stop having to pack my wound, I will. But until then, it’ll be packed carefully.

Why I have a dream that Charlie Kirk’s grandpa was tryna rent me a studio apartment in a historical building and I was like yk I think your grandson was batshit racist and he was like yeah that’s okay, I didn’t really fuck with him fr, I thought he was weird