i've been really tired lately. i don't know why.
maybe it's because i haven't been doing much these days. i haven't really wanted to. there's been no motivation, really. it's not like i could do anything with my friends. we had an argument before the break and i haven't gotten the courage to talk to them again.
it was sort of stupid. there was failed communication of whether I was supposed to be going along with them or not. they maintained they told me i wasn't, i tried to explain i hadn't heard, but either way instead of explaining themselves again they just kept ditching me. i was kind of in the wrong, and they were too, but if i try to explain that to them i'm not sure they'll listen. they didn't before. if they thought that not explaining was polite, then how do i know if they want me around at all? did they ever? have i been overstepping this entire time? am i the bad guy? i bet they hate me. do they even want to be my friends anymore?
i don't know how i feel about that.
on one hand, refusing to take any responsibility and consider how i feel isn't a great quality in a friend, plus the inability to communicate is also not the best. but on the other.. i don't have many friends anyways. and these people are usually pretty nice, cool and funny. but i don't know. obviously i love my internet friends too, but that doesn't really help when i'm sitting alone on my lunch break. i want to be around others, but i'm not sure how to even bring this up.
whenever i talk to people about this, they say "you should just talk to them. even if they don't want to be friends with you anymore, it will get better." i don't know if i can believe that anymore. whenever i get friends, i end up growing apart or losing them. i can't keep friends. when will it get better? could it happen soon?
so I talked to one of the above friends about this (the one I had the most problems with) and we talked it out. They apparently were able to glean why I was angry (wonderful) and although they didn't apologize right out, I did get the feeling they knew they messed up.
But a few days ago, this same friend and two other mutual friends (different from the ones above) invited me to join their new discord server and insisted I joined them in vc. So I did, and we talked for about ten minutes until they started telling me to get off the call. Now, this sort of makes sense, because where I was was fairly loud, and I might have said something they decided they didn't like, whatever. But then some other stuff happened and time passed.
Anyway, once I was somewhere quieter, I said I was okay to join the vc again. Without waiting for an answer, I joined, because these are my friends, they won't mind, right? Once I joined I hear utter silence for about two seconds before one drawled "Ugh, this stupid bitch.." and then I was kicked out of the server and the call. Okay, fuck you too then.
So, I don't think I want to join vcs anymore.
