What they don’t tell you about going to weddings is that if you get The Job of pet sitting the ring bearer who just happens to be a very cute dog, you also get to avoid the Crowds and also go home early with tasty food :)
Claire Keane
Sade Olutola
Monterey Bay Aquarium
One Nice Bug Per Day

titsay

izzy's playlists!

tannertan36
AnasAbdin
we're not kids anymore.

Discoholic 🪩
Three Goblin Art
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
Sweet Seals For You, Always

#extradirty
will byers stan first human second
Show & Tell

oozey mess
DEAR READER
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"

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@bird-goofle
What they don’t tell you about going to weddings is that if you get The Job of pet sitting the ring bearer who just happens to be a very cute dog, you also get to avoid the Crowds and also go home early with tasty food :)

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how to cover letter:
polite greeting (it's me, boy)
introduction (i'm the ps5)
establish credentials (speaking to you inside your brain)
establish purpose (leave the girl, we don't need her)
describe what you can bring to the organization (cowboy times in space)
Already know I wanna send this to people on June 1
Audio:
Erika, referencing ebenezer scrooge: You, boy! What day is it?!
Brennan, as a young boy: It's Pride, bitch!
So my family has a Gay Pirate Plate.
Stay with me.
We do not know how the hell the Gay Pirate Plate was first acquired. This being a point of contention is actually pretty plot-relevant; the saga of the Gay Pirate Plate began with my grandmother and her sister, who, for some ungodly reason, both BADLY wanted the Gay Pirate Plate and believed it to be rightfully theirs.
I should back up, firstly, to establish: The Gay Pirate Plate is the cheapest, tackiest, ugliest plate in existence.
It is in no way a collector’s item. It is physically impossible for it to complement anyone’s decor, because the colors in it are garish. It’s just a ceramic plate with a gay pirate painted on it, and the painting is, this cannot be emphasized enough, extremely bad.
(How do we know the pirate is gay if he’s just posing on a plate? Listen. Fully 100% to stereotype, but he is. He is gay. There’s an energy. That pirate is a flaming homosexual. That pirate has sex with men and does it frequently. That pirate is fucking gay, all right, he just is.)
Anyway. The point is that this is an extremely cheap and ugly plate with a poorly-executed painting of pirate on it who is like a nine on the Kinsey scale.
My grandmother and her sister fought a blood feud over this plate for their entire lives. It would be on the wall in my grandma’s house, and then her sister would visit, and then it would be gone. She’d visit her sister and the plate would be on the wall and her sister would pretend it had always been there. She would steal it back, hang it up, and, when her sister visited, pretend it had always been there. This continued for DECADES.
When the sister died, the Gay Pirate Plate lived triumphantly in my grandmother’s house. And then my grandmother died. And my aunt, who had lived with her and been her carer throughout her life, rightfully inherited their house.
We visit my aunt after the funeral and stay with her for a week or two.
Me, my sister, and our dad. Her brother.
The three of us look at each other. We don’t say anything. We studiously avoid making eye contact with the Gay Pirate Plate mounted proud and ugly on the wall. We notice one another studiously avoiding looking at it. We notice one another noticing. We say nothing. We come to a silent consensus. We pack up to leave. We get in the van. Our aunt comes out to say goodbye. I loudly announce I need to use the restroom before we leave. She obviously stays outside to continue talking to my dad.
I take down the Gay Pirate Plate, stuff it under my oversized sweatshirt, go outside, and get in the van. She happily waves goodbye as we drive off.
Two days later my dad gets a phone call that opens with hysterical laughter and “You FUCKING ASSHOLE did you seriously STEAL THE PLATE–”
Anyway. The gay pirate plate lives in my dad’s house currently.
But he’s trying to get me and my sister out to visit him. And plate mounts are cheap.
The rules of Gay Pirate Plate are simple by the way.
The plate must be clearly and openly displayed in a place of great prominence whenever it is in your possession. When it is not in your possession, the display piece must remain in place. This is where you would put your gay pirate plate, IF YOU HAD ONE.
No active steps may be taken to prevent the theft of the Gay Pirate Plate. That goes against the spirit of the game, as does attempting to hide it.
The plate MUST be stolen and cannot be gifted or removed with permission. Should you witness attempted theft of the Gay Pirate Plate you are required to intervene and return it to its place.
Every time your sibling successfully absconds with the Gay Pirate Plate, you must respond with indignant fury, as if you have not also repeatedly and blatantly stolen the Gay Pirate Plate.
WOE
PLATE BE UPON YE
STATUS UPDATE
I texted this image to my family at around 2am their time last night and woke up to appropriately indignant messages about theft, betrayal, etc.
nothing could have prepared me for how gay the gay pirate plate was
daily affirmations
this is not my beautiful house
this is not my beautiful wife
where is that large automobile?
how do i work this?

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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A common theme in science fiction is that if you're in space, don't trust a corporation. And Earth is in space
holy shit have you evver tried this new substance called album in order
it magically turns songs you don’t like into songs you like!!!
Tell me an inside joke between you and a friend, without context.
I beg of everyone to read the tags to this post, as they are all random and hilarious and read kind of like a poem, if the poem was written by someone who was on a lot of drugs.
So one of my neighbors has a lawn Roomba or whatever they're called, and this thing trundles around looking like a background robot in the background of the original trilogy, and ABSOLUTELY BAFFLING THE DOGS.
They have concluded, I think, that it's some kind of prey animal because right after this video ended they decided to crouch down and stalk it, which means I'm 90% sure I'm going to have to stop Arwen from eating it at some point.
Of course it's a prey animal it fucking eats GRASS
While I can’t fault your reasoning on robot taxonomy, apparently we’re both wrong: Arwen, as much as she is a high-prey-drive animal, is foremost, a herding dog, and has decided that the Lawn Roomba is a SHEEP.
What happened is the lawn roomba belongs to the guy that does most of the maintainence on the neighborhood park, and he had it out grazing on a different section of lawn when my parents came down for a walk and Arwen was siezed by 200 years worth fo Kelpie Instincts, rolled out of her Harness and proceded to herd the shit out of this tiny, oblivious robot.
Everything was on display- mock-stalking, intimidating eye contact, barking, running in front of it to try to get it to balk, the scariest barking she can muster (which is actually. pretty scary if you’re not used to Loud Dogs), looking back at my parents for directions. or rather, looking at my Mom while Dad tried unsuccessuflly to capture her.
After about ten minutes they realized she wasn’t biting it, and decided to let her play Sheep Simulator 5000 for a while. She eventually figured out that
It doesn’t respond to Yelling, Posturing or Aggressive Eye Contact
It does respond to having it’s wheels or bump hazards hit
It would respond to its side being nosed or slapped by moving in a different direction
Conent that this was apparently some kind of blind, deaf and particularly stupid sheep, she could now manage the robot by smacking it if it got too close to the creek bed or fence for her liking, and was eventually content to sit on the highest point of the field and Supervise (TM) it.
“Hey.” Said Roger, owner of the robot. “Do you think if I put the ramp down she’ll herd it into the back of my pickup?”
Arwen was mostly asleep in the afternoon sun as roger put the ramp down but woke right up when mom Whistled, then pointed at the truck. She immediately went after the robot and did something that wouldn’t have occured to me, an allegedly more intelligent being: the robot is roughly triangular, and when it hits an obstacle, will change direction so that one of its other sides (rather than points) is now the ‘front’. So to get it to move in a straight line in the direction she wanted, Arwen would smack the two sides of the robot that she didn’t want it to go in in quick sucession, and got it across the field, over a small hill and up the ramp as fast as it’s clumsy little wheels could go.
“I didn’t know you had a fully-trained sheepdog!” Said Roger
“Me either.” said Mom.
So Arwen now has a Semi-Weekly Appointment to play with Sheepbot.
Going for a walk in this area and hearing both wood thrushes and American robins is like:
Hush! Hush! Listen to the various thrush!
Me watching the starlings devour the grass and clover seeds my mother just planted: the so-called trash birds are feasting rather than taking baths, but their lustrous feathers sure are petroleum-colored

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I’ve once again been reminded that a not insignificant chunk of my joke de vices- hang on.
Post cancelled, joie de vivre autocorrecting to joke de vices is funnier than anything I could have said anyways
Turns out joke de vices really is my joie de vivre, I live for the bit
…she vices on my de till I joke
I’ve once again been reminded that a not insignificant chunk of my joke de vices- hang on.
Post cancelled, joie de vivre autocorrecting to joke de vices is funnier than anything I could have said anyways
Turns out joke de vices really is my joie de vivre, I live for the bit
Going for a walk in this area and hearing both wood thrushes and American robins is like:
Hush! Hush! Listen to the various thrush!
tbh a lot of my advice boils down to “hey you know that terrible horrible looming thing you’re doing your best to avoid and distract and escape as much as possible but no matter what you do it just keeps looming and looming and ruining your life”
“just, fuckign, run straight at it screaming.”
i needed this as a background
I’ve once again been reminded that a not insignificant chunk of my joke de vices- hang on.
Post cancelled, joie de vivre autocorrecting to joke de vices is funnier than anything I could have said anyways

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Me, talking to my parrot about his spring molt: yes, you have so many personal identification numbers :)
More things I’ve said to my tiny feathered nuisance:
Hey quit eating my hair
Poor guy, won’t your toy give you scritches?
Nooooooo it’s too early for this, why have you forsaken me?
Yes yes, you make the most obnoxious alarm clock, thank you
Hello meep, how are you meep?
Ooh, world’s tiniest most terrifying piece of lettuce… you should try it
boobs should have a toggle on/off feature