So Youâve Decided to Move to the Rural South
Congratulations! However, depending on where youâre from, there are probably a few things here that will come as a nasty shock to you. Here are a few of those things. Consider this as a guide. It is by no means exhaustive.
1.      When youâre driving past your neighbors, you wave at them. This sends a signal that says âI am one of you, I belong here, I see youâ. It also sends another, arguably more important signal that says âI promise not to scrape the left side of your F150 with the left side of my F150â.
2.      Yes, everybody here drives an F150. Yes, every single one of those F150s is absolutely necessary (according to the owner).
3.      The sweet tea is going to be sweeter than you expect. No matter how sweet you expect it to be, itâs going to be sweeter.
4.      âCorn from a jarâ means moonshine.
5.      âYâallâ is a contraction of âYou allâ that means âYou guysâ or âall of youâ. âYaâllâ doesnât mean anything, as far as Iâm aware.
6.      Tennesseans WILL fight you if you say anything bad about Dolly.
7.      Please stop making Deliverance jokes. Weâve heard them all. Theyâre not funny anymore.
8.      Itâs hot. Itâs so, so hot. If youâre from a dry place, you donât even understand what I mean when I say itâs hot. Every part of you will sweat and you wonât feel any cooler because the air is so full of water that no sweat will evaporate. Youâll just be hot AND sweaty. Itâs basically a jungle. The windows fog up from the outside.
9.      If you have a house with a screened-in porch, that screen is a blessing from God. Do not remove the screen to âlet the air circulate throughâ. There is no air to circulate. There are a lot of mosquitoes, however, who are more than happy to check out your circulation. Which brings me to my next pointâŚ
10.  Look around you. Do you see mountains on every side? Thatâs right, if you live in Appalachia you essentially live in a bowl. How fast does the air move around in a bowl? Thatâs why itâs 92 degrees and 80% humidity at midnightâŚ
11.  ⌠and itâs also 92 degrees and 100% humidity in the middle of the day! So if youâre from a place that maybe is a little less humid and youâre thinking of going for a jog outside, donât bother. All the sweat-wicking microfiber in the world wonât save you when there is nowhere to wick the sweat to. Just go to Planet Fitness.
12.  You canât defeat the kudzu. Itâll come back next year. Save yourself the trouble and the Roundup exposure.
13.  You also canât defeat the insect life. A wasp or a beetle will get into your house eventually. Your best bet is peaceful coexistence, because paper wasps (the type youâre most likely to see) are not aggressive and keep other, nastier insects at bay.
14.  There will probably be a pack of free-range dogs in your neighborhood, probably without collars. Theyâre friendly. Give âem a pat.
15.  Seriously, wave at your neighbors. Itâs rude not to.
16.  A firework echoes, a gunshot doesnât. This comes up more than youâd think. Except on the 4th of July, when youâll hear both.
17.  Opossums eat ticks and are nearly immune to rabies, so if you see one making its dumb little way across the road, please do your best not to hit it.
18.  Deer hunting is actually vitally important to maintain the ecosystem. We killed off all the whitetail deerâs natural predators, and now thereâs just too god damn many of them. Hunting permits are strictly controlled by the stateâs Fish and Wildlife Department, and they give out enough necessary to maintain the deer population. If the deer population isnât maintained, they outgrow their food supply and begin to starve. You may find it distasteful but trust me, it is way better than watching deer slowly starve to death.
19.  The cooler you just bought has a ruler on top for measuring fish. See #18.
20.  Sometimes our local politicians say terrible things. If this bothers you, you are welcome to:
a.      Vote for a candidate that opposes the terrible politician
b.      Volunteer for a candidate that opposes the terrible politician
c.      Write letters to the terrible politician telling him heâs terrible and should stop that
d.      Run for office yourself
e.      Talk about how everybody who lives here is an inbred racist hick
21.  Most importantly, please do not come here and think youâre going to magically change everything thatâs wrong. Give the people here some credit. If there were easy solutions to the problems they face, they would have solved their problems themselves already. Life has its own pace here, and the problems in Appalachia and the South generally are deep-seated and far-reaching. You donât have the magic solution to the opioid crisis, racism, wage stagnation, brain drain, economic inequality, generational poverty, chronic disease, environmental contamination, resource exploitation, or any other of the issues that are endemic to this area. It is at best insulting and at worst actively harmful to have a person who has zero understanding of this region and the people who live in it come in and insist that big changes need to happen and by golly gosh, heâs the one to make them. If you want to help, listen to the people here. Support them in their fight for justice.
22.  WAVE AT YOUR FUCKING NEIGHBORS.
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